Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Forty Days!  God made it rain for forty days before he allowed the sun to shine.  Moses spent three consecutive periods of forty days and forty nights on Mount Sinai, Jesus fasted for forty days and forty nights, Minus 40 degrees is the only temperature that is the same in both Fahrenheit and Celsius, When the bubonic plague gripped Europe during the Middle Ages, ships would be isolated in harbor for 40 days before passengers could go ashore.  The Italian word for 40 is quaranta- hence quarantine.  Want some more forties?

A typical pregnancy is not really 9 months, it’s actually 40 weeks.  There were 40 thieves that Ali Baba fought in Arabian Nights.  It took chemists 40 attempts to develop that magical spray we know as …wait for it…WD-40.  Do you know it’s full name?  Water Displacement, 40th formula.  AND…the standard American work week is 40 hours.  Although, I personally don’t know ANYONE who actually only works 40 hours a week, but there you go, everything you always wanted to know about 40, but were afraid to ask.

All that is to say is that I’ve been at this telework thing now for forty days.  Forty days of working from home.  Forty days of providing you guys with with an almost daily dragon laffs.  I really didn’t see this going on this long.  And the way it looks right now, although people are talking about getting us back to work, I don’t know when that’s going to be.  I could be wrong.  I could go in to my meeting tomorrow and the boss could say that he wants us all back in the office on Wednesday…I don’t really see that happening, but … who knows.

So, I guess the key here is to enjoy it while it lasts.  I, of course, am actually writing this to you on Sunday, because I am a time traveler.  My words reach you in the future.  I am predicting what is going to happen tomorrow and how you are going to react to them when you read them.  So…enjoy the laughs and the fun and try to get by as best as you can.

And another democrat is about to be created in 3, 2, 1

This is a really good essay sent to me by dear Stephanie… well worth the read…give us a greater understanding of our grandparents

This brings a good perspective to today.

 

For a small amount of perspective at this moment, imagine you were born in 1900.

 

When you are 14, World War I starts, and ends on your 18th birthday with 22 million people killed. Later in the year, a Spanish Flu epidemic hits the planet and runs until you are 20. Fifty million people die from it in those two years. Yes, 50 million.

 

When you’re 29, the Great Depression begins. Unemployment hits 25%, global GDP drops 27%. That runs until you are 33. The country nearly collapses along with the world economy.

 

When you turn 39, World War II starts. You aren’t even over the hill yet. When you’re 41, the United States is fully pulled into WWII. Between your 39th and 45th birthday, 75 million people perish in the war and the Holocaust kills six million.

 

At 50, the Korean War starts and five million perish.

 

At 55 the Vietnam War begins, and it doesn’t end for 20 years. Four million people die in that conflict.

 

Approaching your 62nd birthday you have the Cuban Missile Crisis, a tipping point in the Cold War. Life on our planet, as we know it, could well have ended. Great leaders prevented that from happening.

 

As you turn 75, the Vietnam War finally ends.

 

Think of everyone on the planet born in 1900. How do you survive all of that? A kid in 1985 didn’t think their 85 year old grandparent understood how hard school was. Yet those grandparents (and now great grandparents) survived through everything listed above. Perspective is an amazing art. Let’s try and keep things in perspective. Let’s be smart, help each other out, and we will get through all of this.”

 

Be kind.

Watch your words.

 

My father was born in 1935 and my grandfather was born in ** and it is amazing to me the things that both of those men lived through.  We think we have it so hard.  Perspective is an amazing art.  To be able to see through other’s eyes is an ability that few ever achieve, but it has been said before that those who do not learn history are destined to repeat it and perhaps, it is also true, that those who do not study history cannot appreciate the history they are making today.

 

 

My Pal tells me he always cries after having sex.  I told him it was his own fault for getting sent to prison in the first place.

If two cheaters with the CLAP have sex…is that considered a round of applause?!

Is another name for a police uniform a …

Law Suit?

How do you get a fat girl in bed?

Piece of cake.

You gotta love an ezine with math humor!

The Dr says, “man….you gotta quit masturbating!”

“Why?” says the patient.

The Dr. says,“so I can examine you!”

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I’d go up to a bank teller with a mask on asking for money.

A woman goes into a cafe and orders a hamburger. The waiter is a big hairy Neanderthal that hasn’t shaved, or showered, anytime recently. “BURGER!” he hollers. In the kitchen, an even hairier, more disgusting man is the cook. He takes a handful of ground beef, sticks it under his armpit, pumps it twice to flatten it, and on the grill it goes. “THAT,” she says, “has gotta be one of the grossest things I’ve ever seen!!!!” “”The waiter says, “that’s fuck all. You should be here in the morning when he is making donuts!”

I called your house the other day and was told you were down at your favourite biker bar with some friends.
I wasn’t sure where that was, but was told I wouldn’t have much trouble finding it.
Sure enough, I drove just a couple blocks and there it was…
There is nothing like the feel of the sun on your face and the wind in your hair, is there?

Got up this morning and ran around the block five times.  Then I got tired, so I picked the block up and put it back in the toy box.

Just got a comment from Leah, let’s see what she has to say:

Leah D

Am I crazy or what? I heard the jets from Hillfield, before I saw them. The sound is so exhilarating! it grew louder and louder and as it roared over my head, my whole body experienced the rumble reverberating through it! So gloriously satisfying. . . . . I swear I’ll never see my husband in the same way again.

Is that because your husband was a pilot?  Geez, I hope that was the reason, cause any other reason just doesn’t make a lot of sense.  Yeah, working on those big beasts was a lot of fun.  I actually got an incentive ride in a T-38 once and we got to play dog fight out in the New Mexico desert.  There were five jets up with five non-pilots along for the ride.  The deal was that whichever pilot didn’t make his rider puke had to buy the beers, (it was a different Air Force back then, lots more fun) so needless to say, it was a WILD ride.  Everybody puked but me.  I’ve always had a cast-iron stomach.  Still love roller coasters to this day.  He gave me everything that little jet would do and I wanted more.  I’d chalk that one up to one of the best days of my life.

And so I have received another comment from Leah, and this one has got me in tears…you guys have got to stop doing this to me.

Leah D

I used to send out jokes, ‘toons, whatever, in an issue I called Odds ‘n Ends.
I’m guessing 80 – 90% was stolen from Dragon Laffs.
My brother teaches at the college. He often used material from those emails in his lessons, which went out over the internet to students around the globe, some of which were our soldiers.
He forwarded my emails to many people. One of which was a radio personality, who used the material every morning to entertain his audience. He suffered major withdrawal when I stopped sending Odds ‘n Ends out.
So you indeed, have touched the world!
I salute you, for it became too had for me to do anymore, and I quit. I have stood in awe of you, for all that you have had to deal with, and yet you still persevere!

Thank you Leah, you do an old dragon proud.  What I do and what I deal with is minor in comparison to what others do and deal with.  I try to do my very small part.  If I can put a smile on someone’s face or make them think about something in a new or different light, then I feel like I have accomplished something for the day.  If I can teach a GI how to stay alive in a crappy environment and they can come home safe and sound to their family and loved ones, then I feel like I’ve accomplished something.  If I can give my supervision information or direction that helps them make decisions that helps them support the mission, that our base supports, then maybe, in some small way, I feel like I’ve accomplished something.  What I do is very, very minor.  I no longer run to the sound of gun fire, or sirens.  I am not the calm voice on the other end of the radio for the men and women in harms way, as I used to be.  I might try to do it again when I retire…maybe.  It was, probably the most satisfying job I ever had.  But, all of that led me to where I am now.  And I am very pleased to have touched the lives that I have touched and extraordinarily blessed to continue to do so for as long as God will let me.

Thank you for your letter.

Public Service Announcement: If you or a loved one died from injecting disinfectant, call the law office of Ura, Moron, & D’Zervit.

If breweries can produce sanitizer, why can’t newspapers produce toilet paper?  Half of what they print is crap anyway.

There is probably more truth in that statement than not.

When Algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

So, there’s a row of workers, each making a hole in a piece of paper and passing it on.

[…]

That’s it.  That’s the punch line.

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

This drinking at home instead of the bar is not working out.

Last night I almost asked the wife for her phone number.

Math humor and science humor…we’re moving up in the world!

It’s a good thing our bodies age slowly.  It’s so much easier to be horrified just a little bit each day.

There’s nothing scarier than the split second where you lose your balance in the shower and think “oh god, they’re going to find me naked.”

As for me and my house, we will stay where we at.

          –1st Isolations 24:7

It’s really sad that people have to be told not to consume disinfectants.  By the way, don’t stick a cactus up your ass, either.

Yesterday I saw an ad that said, “Radio for sale, $1, Volume stuck on full”

I thought, “I can’t turn that down”

And that’s it for today’s issue.  I hope you all got a good laugh.  Love to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Yeah, not sure where the whole Harry Potter stuff has come from lately.  Great series of books.  Okay series of movies.  I guess I just liked the font and the logo.  Anyway, wonderful weekend…well, so far.  Right now it’s still early on Saturday morning.  I’m the only one up in the house.  I’ve already been out to the base to pick up something and the person I was supposed to meet wasn’t there.  So, I left a message and came back home, and, wouldn’t you know it, as soon as I got back in the house, the person called and told me they were there and had been there the whole time and had no idea why they didn’t hear the phone ring when I called.  They’re going to be there the whole weekend, so I’ll probably pop out some other time.  It’s only 15 minutes from here, after all.

So, some of the states are opening up today and the rest of the week.  Some in steps different then others.  Today is also the day where there are supposed to be marches on capitals…ought to be an interesting day and weekend.  Here at the Dragon household we hope to keep things simple and easy.  Going to fire up the grill and do up some burgers, dogs, pork chops, chicken breasts, or anything else I can find that will grill.  It’s going to be a fat-making weekend.  I’m excited to get started.  I hope you all have as much fun as I’m going to have.

And with that, I think it’s time we got to why you are all here…the laughter and the break for the bullshit.

I’ve just wrote a book on reverse psychology.

Do not read it.

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.  How can you go out in public that way?  And call yourself a human being?

 

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion!

They say he will be given a tough sentence!

I know, I know…the younger crowd doesn’t get it….sorry guys.  Listen to some good music.  Ask your parents.  Or your grandparents.

Grandpa complained that his new trousers fitted him like a cheap castle.

There was no Ballroom.

Slut jokes are just whoreable.

Did you know that they won’t be making yard sticks any longer?

Joined a Nudist Colony.
The first day was the hardest.

I need to social distance myself from the refrigerator so I can flatten my curve.

March did NOT come in like a Lion.

It came in like a T-Rex…
with PMS…
And hemorrhoids…
Wearing Barbed Wire Undies

 

So since the government is busy should we try raiding Area 51 again?

 

“The itsy-bitsy paycheck just post to my account.

Down came the bills and wiped the money out.”

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette’s boyfriend buying flowers.  She sighs and says, “Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.  Now, I’ll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”
The blonde says, “Don’t you have a vase?”

 

This morning my son said his ear hurt and I said on the inside or outside, so he walks out the front door, comes back in and says both.  Moments like this got me wondering if I’m saving too much for college.

“So, are you seeing anyone?”

“You mean…like a therapist or hallucinations?”

Let’s do some mail, shall we?

Marsha M

Do you remember the older song …knock 3 times if you want me? Twice on the pipe if you ain’t going to show? Well I work with alot of younger folks that have heard it wrong…Cough 3 times on the boss if you want off, twice on his desk if he won’t let you go. Don’t want to be an E worker anymore….just want the money…Funny how it’s all connected. Maybe I should change my political party…They B Home…with ice cream….. thanks I enjoy these they get me through my day…

Marsha, I do remember that song….cause I’m that old.  And now it will be stuck in my head for the rest of the day.  LOL.  Yeah, I’m a teleworker and it ain’t working out the way everyone seems to think.  What it ends up being is me being on call 24/7.  BUT (and it’s a big but [are you saying I have a big butt?!-oh shut up! – Damn voices are speaking up again]) I do get to play with you guys every day instead of just once a week.  So, that’s a big plus.  I am glad that you enjoy my simple offerings.  Thanks for the very kind words, Marsha.

Leah D

Hillfield pilots flew their F 35’s over the entire State of Utah, to honor First Responders and all Health Workers on Thursday!
Finally, there was a reason to step out of the house.
My friends did not get their stimulus check. His brother is super rich, just recently moved back to Utah from New York where he headed a powerful group. He told them to “Contact their Representative.” Say what!?
I am going to the government website to check on it for them.
And while I’m at it, I will order them the free masks Utah is giving everyone.

In case you didn’t know, what Leah is talking about was an F-35 demonstration flying team consisting of four of the new Lightning II jets from Hill Air Force Base flew over the state of Utah on Thursday celebrating health care workers and residents.  Here’s a good article from KSL.com https://www.ksl.com/article/46747297/f-35-team-from-hill-afb-salutes-utah-health-care-workers-residents-with-flyover and here’s a picture:

The F-35 is a cool jet.  One, of course, I never got to work on.  After my time.  But, I have seen it up close and personal.  Way cool.  As far as the rest goes, Leah.  I’m sorry about your friends stimulus checks…did they file taxes this year?  Did they make too much money this year?  There’s lots of reasons.  I hope it works out.  It’s awfully nice of you to help them out.

Doesn’t look comfy, it looks fucking rude and self centered.  I’d say that I hope she was having a heart attack or a medical emergency, but I don’t think so, because I don’t think someone would have just taken the picture and she doesn’t look in distress.  Just fucking rude.

Day 12 without chocolate: Lost hearing in my left eye.

Your scent alone is enough to get me excited.  Having something hot and creamy in my mouth, trickling down my throat…Mmm.
Coffee, I love you.

Okay, that was probably the wrong one to put after that last cartoon.

Husband: Babe, after work I had an accident.  Sabrina took me to the hospital.  After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, left arm broken, multiple facial injuries.  And they will have to amputate my right leg.

Wife: Who is Sabrina?

“You’re too old to ride that skateboard!”

Me: “Hold my Ensure.”

They say that “Flexibility is the key to Air Power” but it also seems to be the key to several of our Motivational Posters today…and bacon bras…so, what’s not to like!

Oh, and Footballs…don’t forget the Footballs…

I know a lot of people who need to read this book.

That’s not how you get a dragon.  I promise.  That’s not the way.

REMEMBER: WHILE YOU ARE HAVING STRUGGLES WITH STAYING AT HOME – SOME PEOPLE WISH THEY HAD ONE.

Just a thought:  What about carrying a box of plastic sandwich bags in your car.  Put one of those over your hand when you’re pumping gas and punching in your PIN code.  And then toss it in the garbage.  Save the latex gloves for the first responders.

Shout out to all the parents who never taught their kids respect and now they are stuck at home the little shits.

Okay, so city folk want to come out to the country and rob houses of groceries.  You all know that country folks will dress in camouflage from head to toe, climb 30 feet up a tree, and sit silently all day, year after year on the coldest days just to kill something, right?

My 4 year-old came downstairs and asked me what his stuffed bunny did for a living.  Over the next few minutes I guessed farmer, fireman, astronaut, and racecar driver until my son deadpanned, “he doesn’t have a job because he’s not real,” while glaring at me like I’m an idiot.

Today a man knocked on the door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.  I gave him a glass of water.

This next one made me laugh until I cried!

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was REALLY good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

BEST MASK YET!!

Okay, I have to share this with you guys.  I got the bestest of emails from Wayne in Drayton Valley Alberta, Canada.  It made my whole WEEK!!!  Here it is.  I’ll remove Wayne’s last name, but I imagine everyone at ACR will know who he is, since I’m leaving the logo and stuff in…

I’ve been working at our shop full time while this insanity is going on. Your jokes and cartoons get posted into a binder at the waiting counter on a regular basis. I swear we have customers coming into the rental shop just to see what gets put into the binder, ( and free coffee!! )

Keep up the great work!

 

Wayne L

Inside Sales Representative / Purchasing

Drayton Valley Alberta, Canada

 

Okay, so that’s got to be one of the greatest compliment I’ve received.  Thanks for that Wayne…and to all the customers at ACR…cheers to you folks!

I need to come up with some signed pictures of me or something… lol.  “Suitable for framing” or wrapping fish.  You too can have your, highly valued copy for just $19.95, plus a small, shipping and handling fee. 

Yeah, right!

But it is cool to think that you guys are printing some of my stuff out…actually, you are printing out other peoples stuff, all I do is collect it together, and repost it in one spot and add a little of my own sarcasm to the pot, stir and serve, so I can’t even say that it’s my stuff, but it sure is nice to hear that you like what I do.  Thanks Wayne!  It is nice to see that my efforts are appreciated.

Oh, and by the way…. I really did like the videos you sent.  Thanks, they made me smile.  I just wish I had a way to share them with these guys.

 

 

Back in my day, the only time we started panic buying was when the bartender yelled “Last Call!”

 

Yeah, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say, probably not…

I wasn’t sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and shit myself.

For a small price, I can do that without the LSD.

I’m going to end today’s issue on this next note…and I want you all to take it to heart…

Go out and have fun.  Laugh and enjoy yourselves.  Even from the comfort of your own living room or your own backyard.

Love and laughter to you all.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

So, did you miss me? 

Yeah, it was a crazy day for me yesterday, but I’m back now.  At least for a little while.  So, lots of excitement up in Michigan where people marched on the state building and demanded their freedom.  I didn’t know you were allowed to carry firearms inside the capital building in Michigan so long as you carried them openly and you had no ill intent.  I think that’s what I read.  How can they tell what your intent is by the way you carry them?  I guess if you start shooting people, you have ill intent and if you don’t you have good intent.  Works for me.  The Supreme Court up there overturned the Governor’s crazy orders for forcing the people to stay at home.   There’s smart ways of doing things and then there’s draconian ways of doing things.

How many of you got a chance to watch that video I posted the other day?  Those doctors made an awful lot of sense, didn’t they?  Why are we quarantining healthy people?  Now, I’m in that danger zone, I’m over 60 at a whooping 61, but I’m healthy as a horse.  A fat, diabetic, horse with a little bit of high blood pressure that is nicely controlled with medication, I smoke too many cigars, and have too much arthritic pain, but still a friggin’ horse, OKAY!!!  (Sorry, got a little carried away there.)  Anyway, what I’m saying is, I’m not overly concerned with myself, but Mrs. Dragon and Izzy Dragon both have compromised immune systems, so the longer I can telework and keep the nasty shit away from them, the better I feel about all of this. 

But even at that, I have taken them both out shopping and stuff.  We wear face coverings to protect ourselves.  And after three months of data, we find out that this thing really isn’t any more dangerous than the flu, and I looked up the numbers, we really do loose more people than this to flu every couple of years.  And if they really are over inflating the numbers, i.e. everyone who dies, dies of COVID because the hospitals and states get more money that way and because it perpetuates the madness that way, then are we terribly over reacting at this point?  Or have we reacted appropriately UP TO this point and now that we KNOW the facts, is it time to unwind and put things in perspective?

I don’t know. 

But, I do know that there is still one party who is trying to use this, and anything else they can use to gain control and it makes me sick to my stomach every time I see it.  They are even using they’re own democratic candidate.  Does anybody actually believe that Biden will be anything other than a puppet for Pelosi and her gang of thieves and monsters?  If he even lives long enough to make it through the first year of his presidency…if he were to be elected?

Okay, I’m sorry.  I’m not usually so political.  Especially so early in the morning.  I don’t think Trump is such a great prize either…just so you know.  But, I do know that he is a hell of a lot better than the other side. 

But, seriously, these guys are the best this country has to offer?  This is the best?  This is the United States saying to the rest of the world, HERE! *Drum roll and Flourish* (whatever the hell a Flourish is) HERE IS THE BEST OF THE UNITED STATES WE OFFER UP TO REPRESENT US!!!!!

Oh hell no!

If I was an artist and this was a canvas, I’d scrape off the whole thing and start over again.

But we have to deal with what we have…. and I said I would stop.  It must be the caffeine low level light…it was flashing amber in the corner of my eye when I started, now it’s flashing red and there’s a sweet little female voice I can hear in my ear saying, “warning, caffeine levels are at dangerously low level.  warning, caffeine levels are at a dangerously low level.” over and over again.  If I could find out where the circuit breaker is on that warning button I’d pull it to shut her up because she’s getting annoying and about twenty minutes ago when she started up, the dogs went and hid in the bedroom.  So, before I jump into more stuff that pisses me off…dammit, she’s added a klaxon…I’m going to go get more coffee.  Yes, I said MORE coffee, because I’ve already had some coffee, but it obviously hasn’t been ENOUGH coffee or I wouldn’t be getting all the damn warnings (WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE SHUT THAT STUFF OFF!!!!!) and you guys start in on the funny stuff.

Okay, so maybe that wasn’t the funnies thing to start with…let’s try this again.  Something funny this time.

Well, I don’t know if it’s funny or not, but I GOTS TA GET ME ONE of those cups!!!!  I like that one!  LOL!  And that, my fellow campers, is called TRUTH IN ADVERTISING!

Okay, one more try to get something funny out there…

Okay, not bad….  I’ll give it a B+ …. now … Onward, Ho!

(who you calling a Ho, bitch!)

It’s going to be one of those days…the voices in my head are talking back!

Another good one.  Looks like there might be a website out there somewhere.  With my luck they’re probably made in China.

No one should be allowed to drive again until there are no fatal accidents for 14 consecutive days.  Then we can slowly begin to phase in certain classes of people who can begin driving again, but at only half the posted speed limit.

Oh, I see what you did there…that’s called sarcasm.  And it’s not bad.

Awww, she’s smiling in her sleep again.  I wonder how she killed me this time.

A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says, “What’s your name, son?”  He replied, D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”  The Officer looked at him suspiciously and said, “Oh, do you have a stutter?” The guy replied, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole.”

Me: It’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

If you ever fall over in public, pick yourself up and say, “sorry, it’s been a while since I inhabited a body.” and just walk away.

Okay, that may be true…but I’m pretty sure, when I was a kid … I tried that one at home…just sayin’

Hugh Hefner became a multi-millionaire staying at home in his jammies…I’m not having the same results.

Why is it called “Boob Sweat” and not “Humidititties”?

Oh, well they promise.  Haven’t they had long enough!

Some kids are starting to notice they haven’t seen their “UNCLE” since their DAD has been home.

If you wear your jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight.  Follow me for more quarantine life pro tips.

My goal in life is to piss off at least on person a day.

So far I’m about 4 years ahead of schedule.

Wife: Did I get fat during quarantine?

Husband:  You were never really skinny!

Time of Death:  4/25/2020 11:23 p.m.

Cause of Death:  Corona Virus

You know…I was sitting here thinking, no that’s not true…then I remembered and went … oh yeah.

This next one is an oldie, but goodie.  I’ve seen it a couple of different ways, but here’s the Cajun version…

An old Cajun man, Boudreaux, who had been a retired crawfish farmer for a long time,  became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic in Mamou. He put a sign up outside that said:

“Boudreaux’s Medical Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”

 

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old Cajun geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Boudreaux’s clinic.

 

This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: — Mr. Boudreaux, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??

Boudreaux:  —  “Nurse, please bring duh medicine from dat box 22 and put tree drops in Dr. Young’s mout.”

Dr. Young: — “Aaagh !! — This is Gasoline!”

Boudreaux: “Congratulations! Mais you don got you taste back you. Dat will be $500.”

 

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Boudreaux: “Nurse, please bring duh medicine from dat box 22 and put tree drops in duh patient’s mout.”

Doctor Young:  “Oh no you don’t,  —  I’m not falling for that again! That’s Gasoline!”

Boudreaux: “Congratulations! You don got you memory back you. Dat will be $500.”

 

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak  —  I can hardly see !!!!

Boudreaux: “Well, Mais I don have any medicine for dat so —  “Here’s your tousand dollars back.”

Dr. Young: “But this is only $500?”

Boudreaux: “Congratulations! Mais you don got you sight back you! Dat will be $500.”

 

Moral of story  —  Just because you’re a “Young doctor” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old Cajun man!!!

 

I’m buying this T-Shirt for Mrs. Dragon.  She loves all those murdery shows

Day 45:  The garbage man stuck a pamphlet for AA on my recycling bin.  Judgmental prick, mind your own business.

I’ve never been so thankful to be low maintenance.  No nails, no lashes, no crazy hair upkeep, no tanning, no Botox.  I’ll just be the same hot mess coming out of all this as I was going in.

Have we tried giving 2020 a snickers?

Are we thinking it’s just hungry?

Let’s not tell some people when the quarantine is over.

I can’t believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick.

How low can you go.

Parents: Why don’t my kids listen to me?

God: LOL

I said to the salesman, I’d like a car for my wife.  He said, I’m sorry sir, we don’t do swaps.

Wow, a two-fer…

Okay, here’s one for the kids to ponder…

I thought I heard “Tubular Bells” wafting over the farm last night.  It was just my cold field.

And nope.  I’m not helping with this one

I was home for Christmas and my parents cooked a beef tenderloin.  I said, “Man, Budapest is going to love this.”  They asked who Budapest was.  I said, “I named my stomach Budapest because it’s the capital of HUNGRY” and that’s when they stopped calling me son.

When we come out of this and I ask you where you want to eat, I do NOT wan to hear, “I don’t know”.  YOU HAD 45 DAYS!

The Lysol commercial told me to disinfect the things I touch the most.

I have a feeling this is going to burn.

Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me!!

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil…

So many people these days are too judgmental.

I can tell just by looking at them.

My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom.

 

Hey, can’t blame me for that last one, it’s from Aussie Pete.

 

 

Feels good to have your shit together.

Personally I wouldn’t know, but I bet it feels good.

Okay, wait…. I have a question.  How did the movie Ground Hog Day finally shift to the next day for Bill Murray?  Have we tried that yet?

Courage is knowing it might hurt, and doing it anyway.

Stupidity is the same.

And that’s why life is hard.

Everyone keeps saying there is going to be a baby boom when this is all over…There may be a lot of Divorces and Justifiable Homicides, too.

I’ve eaten 14 meals and taken 6 naps and it’s still today.  Are you kidding me!?

 

Okay, I want blame to be squarely placed where it needs to be for this next one!!!  This one is NOT mine!  It is truly and totally horrible!!!  In the interest of protecting her, I promised Stephanie I wouldn’t tell anyone who sent this in because I was afraid someone would have to hunt her down and smack her!!

Home schooling went well yesterday:  For science class we studied the effects of Nyquil on students…

And that, dear campers, is it for today.  I hope you enjoyed the extra-large issue.  I tried to make up for missing yesterday.  Until we meet up again.  Stay safe, stay warm.  Be helpful and happy.

Love to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Fair warning, this is the last issue you will have before the weekend.  While you are reading this, I will be out on the base dealing with a VIP visit.  That will pretty much occupy my day.  Even though he will only be in the area for about three hours, it has been tying up my whole week so far.  But, I will say, it is no where NEAR as bad as when Obama and Biden came to town a couple of years ago.

Anyway, that’s what’s going on with me this fine morning, what’s going on with you?

Well, why don’t we find out, while we laugh a little, share a little and have some fun with the day?

Let’s go!

“When the law doesn’t apply to the lawmakers you’re not being governed: you’re being ruled.”

So…. I received this yesterday from Stephanie…

Well, I’m in the Hospital This has not been a good morning.

 

After spending the last 4 weeks quarantined inside the house, Limited contact with anyone since mid March. Enough is Enough, so I decided to go Motorcycle riding, something I haven’t done in a long time. It turned out to be a horrible mistake! I got on the motorcycle and started out slowly, or so I tried, but then it got crazy and went a little faster; and faster, before I knew it, we were going as fast as the that bike could go. I couldn’t take the pace and fell off, but caught my pants on the foot peg beside the crash bar. I was being dragging and bounced all over the place. The motorcycle just would not stop!

 

Thankfully the manager at Dollar General came running out and unplugged the machine. Then he actually had the nerve to take the rest of my quarters, so I wouldn’t try to ride the Fire Truck or Clown Car…

 

A few scrapes and bruises but nothing was broken. I will wear leather and a helmet next time. Well, the helmet was suggested by the doctor.. and I only have to stay in here for the mandatory 72 hours required by the mental health people….

 

Well, I have to tell a story on myself.  I got that email and the way my email is set up, I can see the first line of the email in the list of emails in my outlook.  So, I see that I have an email from Stephanie, and I look and see that it says, Well, I’m in the Hospital.  This has not been a good morning.  Now, Stephanie and I have been friends for many years and immediately my heart starts racing and I open the email and it’s the joke that you see above, so I write back to her, laughing and using some uncomplimentary words telling her that she scared me to death when I saw the email, figuring we’d both get a laugh out of it.  About ten minutes later I get a text message on my phone, and all it said was: if it was serious, I’d text

And that was it.  And I thought…Awww…Yeah….. I shoulda known better right from the friggin’ start.  Touched me right there.  You know. 

Sniff!

But it still damn near gave me a HEART ATTACK!!!

lol!

See, I had no problem staying home because I’m a homebody.  But now, since I’m being TOLD to stay home – I’d like to go out.

I went to Walmart today for cat treats, they were out of human food.  As I stood in line some lady made a smart ass remark to me for coming in the store just to buy cat treats.  I told the lady I had to fatten up my cats before I eat them because all you assholes are hoarding all the food.  Her little girl started crying.  I didn’t even feel bad.  Next time, mind your own business.

More from our CAT brother, James C… who has a very funny story to tell…. fair warning!  Put down your coffee first, before you start reading!!

The cartoon of the guy asking when its due, happened to me in reality. My buddies wedding, and I see his sister standing at the food trough, stuffing her face. I say, “I thought you were due a month ago!” She pauses, and turns to face me, and at that moment I see a kid, maybe 5 weeks old, sleeping in a baby carrier on the table beside her.

Yeah….that was uncomfortable. Hey, is it just me, or is it hot in here?

I thought things had cooled off, and I see she had posted on Facebook that she was pregnant again, and she had a photo of the ultrasound. “TWINS!” Was the caption.

I commented, “Congratulations! 2 kids from the same father!”

She Unfriended me. Was it something I said? Sheesh. No sense of haha.

I need to invest in plastic sheeting.

First, we hear alcohol may prevent the virus.

Then, we’re told possibly heat and humidity.

Now, they say that sunlight might quickly kill the virus.

So, if you drive by my house and I’m standing in the front yard, intoxicated and naked, just leave me alone.  I’m conducting important medical research!!

Him:  This is my ex-girlfriend, Lauren.

Her:  Stop introducing me like that.

Her:  I’m his wife.

My generation grew up looking for frogs and shit.

Your generation grew up looking for Wi-Fi connections

We are not the same.

I drink a ton of water.

Filtered water.

Filtered through coffee grinds.

…Coffee.  I drink a lot of coffee.

Amen!  Keep that in mind whenever you have a choice in where you shop!

This next one is an oldie, but goodie…

Why do supermarkets and drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do banks leave the vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline, “Psychic Wins the Lottery”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do “practice”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invest all your money called a “broker”?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called “rush hour”?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called “apartments” when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal”?

God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world….

….then he made the world round and laughed and laughed.

Aussie Peter sent us this great email…kind of a travel guide for our next trip down under to Deception Bay

When you come to Australia you need to know that there are lots of stuff here that is very dangerous.

We have deadly snakes, spiders, crocs and of course one of the deadliest ……..  DROP BEARS.

Don’t be lulled into a false sense of security when you see cute little bears

[  PHOTO ONE ]

 

 

because they can grow up to be  Drop Bears  as in photo  number TWO.

 

 

 

Photo number three is a sign near my house in Deception Bay

 

 

and photo number four shows the spray can that all Aussies carry with them.

 

 

 

Looking forward to you visit.   Keep smiling.

 

Peter.    

 

Thanks Peter!  Very useful indeed.  Definitely enough to keep the drongos busy.  Can’t wait until our next visit!

Cheers!

 

 

I was going through a box of old papers and found a social studies exam that I got 99% on.

The question I got wrong was….

“Where is women’s hair mostly curly?”

The right answer was Africa.

I was sent a very, very interesting video by Hank on lifting the stay at home orders and the closing of the businesses by two very respected doctors out in California.  Now, I’m not a doctor, but these guys make a lot of sense in opening the country back up.  They have given me an awful lot to think about.  Very long video, but well worth watching.  Quarantine the sick and the compromised, not the young and the healthy.  Everyone should watch…I’d love to know what you think: https://youtu.be/vJprwe_rWeM  Thank you Hank for sharing this with me.

Sometimes I agree with Suzie… a lot

Boy, ain’t that gonna be the truth!

Yes, and sometimes we don’t

A mother’s love is the only thing that keeps her from drowning you at birth.

And that’s it for me for today.  I’m calling it quits early since I have a lot to do to get ready for tomorrow.  Hopefully, I’ll have some pictures to share with you guys.  Remember, you can reach me at impishdragon@gmail.com or by leaving a comment on the blog.  And as always, I’m sending you off with lots of love and wishes of joy and happiness.  See you again on Saturday!

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

I have to warn you now, that you will probably not have an issue on Friday because I will be very busy and away from my computer on Thursday.  We have things going on on the base that I must attend to, so that will preclude me from being available to attend to you.  Yes, I know that my priorities are skewed and that you all should be my primary focus, but at times, I must attend to my other duties.  I apologies profusely for that and hope, in some small way, to make up for it.

I’ll be heading out shortly to go to the base to attend to some meetings that I have so why don’t we get to laughing while we have a chance?  What say you?  Well, I do believe that I have heard a rousing cheer amongst the throng, so it shall be done!

Okay, there is way too much going on in this area! 

If you ever think mythology is boring …

Just remember that Cerberus, the hell-hound and guard dog of the Underworld, comes from the root Indo-European word Kerberos, which evolved into the Greek word Kerberos, which got changed to Cerberus when it went from Greek to Latin …

Kerberos means “spotted”

that’s right …

Hades, Lord of the dead, literally named his pet dog Spot

All I want to do is lose weight and gain money.

Yet, here I am gaining weight and losing money.

The word “overmorrow” is an obsolete term meaning “The day after tomorrow”

I like that.  I may have to start using that!

I went to go to the vagina museum but accidentally went in the building next door. – The place was a shit hole.

If you show me your boobs, I’ll show you my tattoos.

Tit for tat …

I had this one night stand and I felt so bad about it…so, the next morning, I raced out and bought another one for the other side of my bed.

Back in my day, “buttlicker” was a top shelf, break in case of emergency, schoolyard insult.  Nowadays, it is a selectable option on most dating sites.

Yup, I get it…and Izzy Dragon calls me a Boomer all the time.  That’s alright, I call her a Tweezer.  It’s driving her crazy trying to figure out what it means.

And yet another reason I’m not on Facebook.

Now I’m being told of a protest being planned for this Saturday to get out and March on State Capitals and State Parks and such to protest the lockdown.  Now doesn’t that make perfect sense.  Let’s all get together to protest a fucking virus that is transmitted by being close together!  Do you people not understand what’s going on?  Why not protest the weather?

Okay, I understand that it’s hard on a lot of people.  Truly I do.  And that we need to start opening up the states, and put people back to work.  I know that.  But, we need to be smart.  We need to do it the right way. 

Like out on our base, we’ve been talking about this exact thing.  You bring back the people first who are young and healthy and able to withstand the abuse this virus is liable to throw at them.  You maintain social distancing, you keep face masks on, and the older, more vulnerable population, those with conditions that make them more vulnerable are the last group of people to come back to work, the ones who continue to telework the longest.  You take steps. 

You do the same thing throughout the community.  You take steps.  You open back up slowly and with rules.  You don’t just open up the doors and say everything is the way it used to be.

And how in the hell do you think a PROTEST is going to help?  It’s like a five-year-old throwing a temper tantrum, lying on the floor and kicking his feet because he can’t have a candy before supper!  And just like a five-year-old, you people deserve to have your butt walloped!  Yes, it’s not fair.  Yes, it’s hard.  But again, what are you going to do about it?  You have just as much success protesting the wind!

Here’s a better plan!

This Saturday, let’s take the time to help each other out.  Check with your friends and neighbors and see if someone needs something that you can supply.  Maybe they need someone to do some shopping for them, a car repair that you can help with, mowing the lawn that one of your kids can do, cooking a meal, sharing some food, I’m sure there are a hundred more things that you can think of, without getting hundreds of people together to pass a virus along to infect me and my loved ones!

This whole thing has been pushed along by the far right wing nut jobs who are looking for excuses to rile people up.  Half of them are the gun nuts and the second amendment crazies.  And yes, I am a strong believer in the second amendment, and I am a believer that you can have my gun when you can pry it out of my cold dead fingers, but what in the HELL does that have to do with the lockdown or the coronavirus?  And the other half of them are just plain crazy.  They want to see anarchy for anarchy’s sake!  They don’t care if it’s the whole 5G bullshit (which is idiocraty in it’s own right), flat-earth, aliens, white-supremacy, or the conspiracy of the month club!  If we can get people riled up about something, all the better.

People, go out and do something nice for someone.  It doesn’t have to be something really awesome.  Hold open a door for someone.  Are you going to the store for something?  Ask your neighbor if there’s something you can pick up for them.  Let someone ahead of you in line. 

Okay, I’m gonna kick this soapbox back under the counter where it belongs.

Yes, I’m sorry youngsters…it’s another one.

A quick note from James I had to share…

Hi.

This is going to be a solemn, no nonsense, no laughs, email.

I just clicked on the link to the lady singing “God bless the USA”. I IMMEDIATELY teared up.

Most of my working life has been in the US, I have tons of friends there, my office was in Mira Loma for 12 years, and with all the experiences I’ve had while down there, I am, in a lot of ways, a US citizen. Even without all that, we are neighbors, and what affects you, directly affects me. I would only wish good for all of you there, and I am hoping that things will improve for you all, soon.

God Bless the USA.

James.

I agree….It’s always a great song.  I don’t care who sings it, even if it’s a terrible rendition, it’s a great song.

Thanks for sharing brother.

And an Impish Dragon appendum… send pictures…we’ll review, rate, and share the best ones.  Extra points for those of you who show special care taken to impress.

Okay, I’m sure that’s for the last one, or two, or three, or …

Yeah….it’s been one of those days.

Here’s one from Bill:

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke’s Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, “The Cambridge Distorter”, told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”

He said, “WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!”, said the other.

“Now get a little closer together”, said the cameraman.

Again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE” – So they wiggled up close to each other.

“Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus a little”, said the photographer.

YET AGAIN – “WHAT DID HE SAY?”

“HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!”

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, – “OH MY GOD – BOTH OF US?”

Did you hear about the new Playboy magazine for married men?

It has the same centerfold every month.

What about the guy with 5 penises?

His underwear fit like a glove.

And there was a hole discovered in the fence that surrounds the nudist colony.

The police are looking into it.

One must wonder what required this sign to be posted.

And that is it for me for today.  Remember, you can reach me at impishdragon@gmail.com or by leaving a comment on the blog.  Comments have been lagging lately, it’s like you guys don’t love me any more.  This will all be coming to an end some day and then what will happen, huh?  You sure will miss me when I’m back down to one day a week again!  Take advantage of me while I’m here!  Write to me now!  You ever wanted to ask a dragon a question?  Now’s the time!  Get in while the gettings good!  Love to you all!  Cheers!

Impish Dragon