Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Thursday.  Almost the weekend.  And the header above has clues to what yesterday was.  Yesterday was the 12th of August and it was … are you ready?  National Creamsicle day! 

NATIONAL CREAMSICLE DAY

National Creamsicle Day on August 14th celebrates the creamy citrus dessert on a stick. During the height of summer, what better way to enjoy refreshment than with a creamsicle!

“Creamsicle” is the brand name of an ice cream treat.  It consists of vanilla ice cream on a Popsicle stick with an outer coating of sherbert. While many other flavors now exist, the original flavor was orange. 

Today, recipes abound with creamsicle flavors. From beverages to desserts, the flavor has long been a favorite.

An 11-year-old Frank Epperson inspired the creation when he invented the original popsicle back in 1905. After mixing up a powdered soda, he left the beverage overnight with the stirring stick in it. Temperatures dropped unusually low that night and the next morning, Epperson found the liquid frozen on the stick. He dubbed the creation the Epsicle. Sometime later, he changed the name to Popsicle.

Several generations have enjoyed the fruity, frozen treats and they continue to do so!

So, come on!  Who doesn’t love a creamsicle on a hot day? Anyone?  EVERYONE!  Okay, okay… so that’s way too much about creamsicles.  So, instead…

Y’all ever be at work for 5 hours and check the clock and it’s been 46 minutes?

I came home and my dog peed a little because he was happy to see me.  None of my friends pee when they see me.  I’m surrounded by fakes.

The war on drugs brought in more drugs and the war on terror created more terrorists.  Maybe next year we can have a war on money and jobs and see where it goes.

Don’t forget, tonight the Moon will be visible from Earth.  The last time this happened was last night.

A RETIREE’S LAST TRIP TO KROGER’S.

 

Yesterday I was at my local   Kroger’s buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

What did she think..I had an elephant?

 

So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. 

 

Kroger’s won’t let me shop there anymore.

 

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

 

Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends..

 

Bozo criminal for today violated bozo Rule #0023: For obvious reasons, donut shops are not the best places to rob. bozo Antoine Cook of Chicago learned this the hard way. Our bozo was standing in line at the neighborhood Dunkin’ Donuts and when it came time to place his order he pulled a gun from his waistband and ordered the clerk to “Give it up!” The next thing our bozo knew he had been grabbed and wrestled to the ground. That’s because standing directly behind him in line at the donut shop was a Chicago police officer. He’s been charged with attempted robbery and assault on a police officer.

Donut shops are the safest places in the world.  And they will be until we defund the police.

Good Morning Campers,

I hope everyone had a great weekend.  Welcome back to Monday.  The new fridge is working well so we returned the mini-fridge we had borrowed.  I hope that is not the incentive that the new fridge was waiting for to stop working … that is the way things have been working around here … not that I am trying to borrow trouble, but still …

I have buddies coming over on Sunday to help hook up the water on the new fridge to get that working the way it’s supposed to work and then Mrs. Dragon’s sister and nephew are supposed to come over Sunday afternoon for a burger burn so that will be fun, so it should be a good weekend all the way around at the dragon cave.

So, let’s get this Monday started off the right way, shall we?

A little girl says, “Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?”

“Why sure you can,” her grandfather replied.

As she is sitting on her grand dad’s lap she says,  “Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?”

“A sound like a frog?  Well, sure.  Grandpa can make a sound like a frog.”

The girl says, “Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?”

Perplexed, her grand dad says, “Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?”

And the little girl says, “Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we’re going to Florida!”

Whenever my wife uses the phrase, “I was thinking.”

That means I either have to move, build, paint, or buy something.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Peters, Missouri where bozo Paul Snider held up a 7-11 and got away with 100 bucks in cash. Well, he didn’t quite get away. He got his money and headed for his car, which wouldn’t start. Panicking, he came back into the store and gave the money back, telling the clerk that the robbery was just a joke. He then asked if the clerk could give him a jump start. Clerk said no, but maybe those nice policemen that were driving into the parking lot could help.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.  Now they drink like their fathers.

My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order … I probably should have stopped when I got to her name.

WebMD is updating its server because of a virus.  Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

Sounds legit to me.

What to know what God thinks of money?

Look at the people he gave it to.

We’re in the R’s and we couldn’t do the R’s unless we hit …

Hey look!  Somebody DID caption that picture.  I just didn’t know it.  Not bad …

It’s often been said that I want a love like Gomez and Morticia had.

Yes, that is the proper expression on that baby’s face.

He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.

“You have the communication skills of an alarm clock.”

Who woulda thunk it?

Okay, I’ve decided that this is going to be my final pitch for the year.  It’s now August, when I traditionally do my yearly pitch for everyone to help out with the upcoming bill from WordPress and whoever it is that bills me for being able to have the term dragonlaffs.com as my own and in order to make it so that there isn’t advertising all over the website, and every year you guys are generous enough that I don’t have to pay anything out of my own pocket to continue to do something that I love to do, but that takes up a lot of time every week.  You guys seem to understand when I miss an issue here and there and we all know that life gets in the way of what we really would rather be doing.  So, anyway, here’s my last pitch for the year:

Please donate, hit the donate button on the top right column (you can actually do that year round if you like, throw me a buck or two here or there, I usually just let it accumulate throughout the year unless I run across hard times, which has happened once or twice) or you can write to me at impishdragon@gmail.com and I will gladly give you my snail mail address and you can send me something that way as a couple of our campers have done.  Every little bit helps.  And that’s it.

And here’s a HUGE thank you to the ones of you who have seen it in your hearts to help out this year and to those of you who wanted to but couldn’t … I completely understand.  It’s tough out there right now for a lot of us.  It truly is!

William E.     Donald G.#1     Donald G.#1     Chuck G.     Ronald W.     Theodore K.     Mark M.     Donald G.#1     Michael C.      Steven H.      Joseph P.      Henry S.      Leah H.      Scott H.      Donald G.#2      William E.     Dan T.     Philip S.     Joe L.     LTC (Ret) Bob B.   
Lona T.     Justin     Daniel W.

You guys are really too awesome for words.  Thank you from the bottom of my dragon heart.  Now, before I start shedding dragon tears, let’s move on to some other stuff, shall we?

Two clips from the show, “Whose Line Is It, Anyway?”  One of the greatest comedy shows on TV.  If you’ve never seen it … you’ve been deprived.

When my daughter was little (about 4), we spent the night at my parents and I was brushing her long hair after her bath.  My dad told her she had such pretty hair, and asked if he could have a little to cover his bald spot.  She didn’t even look up and said, “I think you have enough on your back to cover that.”

Ouch!

Okay, all of those were so bad … let’s go check the mail, I KNOW I’m behind in that.  Maybe that will be better…

First one from Stephanie … goes back a little bit.  Told you I was behind.  But then again, I like getting a little behind in the mail.  … anyone? … anyone?  … ba da dump – tish! … Sigh.  Okay, sorry.

Stephanie

Love the mask. You can partially expose your Dragon nature behind it.

Thanks Steph.  Problem being, when I expose my dragon nature, it tends to get me in trouble.  I was wearing the hat, glasses, and mask to the store the other day and this 40-something lady either didn’t see me or didn’t care and stepped in front of me in line at the check out, since we were maintaining our six-foot social distancing.  She looked a little harried and only had one item, and I had … not a lot, but a few more than she did.  I wasn’t going to say anything to her, being the kind and benevolent dragon that I am, but without even thinking, this low, deep growl came out of my mouth for just a second or maybe two.  And I guess it was loud enough for her to hear as she was putting her stuff down on the conveyor belt at the checkout.  She turned and looked at me and her eyes got real wide and she  … squeaked…  and just looked at me, frozen.  I had to say, “Well, you’re already there, go on then.”   She couldn’t say anything to the cashier, the best she could manage was an “eep” and paid for her … whatever it was … and ran out of the store like a little girl who had to pee.  When it was my turn and I went to pay the cashier, the cashier wouldn’t look at me and treated me like I had just beaten the lady before me in line.  So yeah, I gotta be careful.

This next one is from our own Leah D…

Leah

So when I posted the Every Problem Has a Solution funny you have on this edition, on Facebook, first, they had a message pop up saying it could be disturbing . . . then, they deleted it.
Most of the political cartoons have been deleted.
My friend posted pictures of the July snow at his place . . . no wonder, ’cause those snowflakes are out there in full force!

Some of you have asked me in the past, “Why isn’t Dragon Laffs on Facebook?”  That is the exact reason right there.  LOL!  Can you imagine how much of my stuff would get taken down?  If it wasn’t for my darts league, I wouldn’t even have a Facebook account.

And another from Stephanie …

Stephanie

When are you going to make another trip down south to teach the boys?
Pray for you and yours on a daily basis my dear friend.

Wow, haven’t been down to your neck of the woods in … many years.  With all the government restrictions on travel right now, I’d say it might be a while before I do it again.  We aren’t playing the games … I’m sorry, having the exercises, like we used to but hopefully we will again someday because I think it’s one of the best ways to keep our troops tuned up and ready to go.  I will do my best to get on any trip that heads that way and I’ll buy you a drink.  I’m sure I owe you a half dozen or so.

And I do appreciate the prayers more than I can express, dear friend.

And from Leah D … seems as though the two girls are trading back and forth. 

Leah

Here’s my plan to make life better for you. You take a picture of your self, send it to me. I will remove that cloud of doom that has been hanging over you with photoshop.
I got that great idea from protesters who say if you get rid of cops, it will make everything right.

Oh my dear Leah…I think we are WAY beyond PhotoShop’s help at this point.  I think I’ve pissed off all the old gods, all the new gods, mother nature, most of the mythological creatures roaming the earth and approximately 78% of the female population of the world.  Other than that, I think I’m okay.

Hey, here’s one from Ed R:

Ed R

Good luck with the new fridge tomorrow.

Thanks Ed.  As you guys know, the Fridge got installed and all went well.  By the time you guys read this, the water SHOULD be hooked up and it will be giving me ice water, ice cubes, and crushed ice…either that or the house will be flooded and we’ll be living in a tent out back, one or the other.

And finally, I’ve got a couple more from Leah D … our most prolific commenter, that I’m going to put all together in one last post:

Leah D

Don was disgusted with players on their knees, so I called our satellite company to remove the Root Sports access from our programming and bill.
In the past, when I have made any changes, they have always asked why? They didn’t. I suspect they already know.
Now we are free to Root for you getting your range!

and

I’m excited! I haven’t had a sit down talk with my youngest daughter, since early March. She is coming over today to sit 6 feet away, underneath the apple tree.

Good on you and Don, Leah.  If we had a sports package I would do the same thing, but we only ever watched the games that came on the regular channels.  And you can root for the range on Tuesday the 18th.  That’s when it is supposed to be here.

Good luck with your daughters visit.  It should be an exciting day for you.

And now back to the fun stuff now that we are all caught back up again.

Oh dear Gawd, they’re still awful!

Okay, that one was cute!

Boss:  “Are you on drugs?”

Me:  “You and I both know you don’t pay me enough to have a drug problem.”

You are one sick bastard.

They are now starting to force this bullshit down our throats:

Post corona romance novels might go something like this:

“Hands glistening with sanitizer, he reached out and gently removed her mask…

As he pressed closer against her, she felt a certain stiffness near his trouser pocket.  ‘Is that what I think it is?’ she asked breathlessly.

‘Yes,’ he replied.  ‘I brought my digital thermometer in case I need to take your temperature.’”

Like many people in lock down, I’ve been getting my clothes online.  My neighbors now take their washing in at night.

I know, right.

Studies have shown that intelligent people swear more than stupid motherfuckers.

And with that brightly painted picture I will call it an issue.

Thanks for being here on a Monday morning with me.  I hope you had a terrific weekend.  And I will hopefully see you again on Thursday!

Love and blessings to you all.

Cheers!

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Saturday.  My real day off in two weeks. I’m hoping to take advantage of it, but I guess we’ll see.  I won’t really know until after you guys are reading this, so it will be a bit of a moot point.  Next Saturday I’ll be teaching class again, so I better take advantage of this Saturday while I can.  I’m supposed to have a buddy of mine come over and help me hook up the water to the new Fridge (which seems to be working wonderfully, by the way) so that the ice maker and water to the door will work.  We shall see.  I hope he shows.

Anyway, it’s been a long hard week and I really need to laugh, so let’s get this party started shall we?

 

If I was a plastic surgeon, I’d put a squeaky toy in every boob implant.

I will be posting telepathically today.

So, if you think of something funny, that was me.

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, “It’s my husband, you have to leave!”

The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something.  He goes back to the house and says to the woman, “Wait a damn minute!  I’m your husband!”

She replies, giving him a dirty look, “So why did you run?”

Today I found out that if you treat others how they treat you … they seem to get very upset.

During WWII, an American Army Captain stationed in England met and fell in love with a British Lieutenant in the WRENS.
After a whirlwind courtship, they became engaged and his fiancée wanted him to spend the weekend at her parents’ home in the country so they could meet him.
When they arrived at a huge estate, a Rolls Royce was parked in front of a circular driveway with a staff of a dozen maids, butlers, gardeners, etc., standing at attention awaiting their arrival.
It was obvious to the Yank that his fiancée was no ordinary Brit, but of the nobility.
Her parents were absolutely taken by her choice of a husband and a delightful weekend was enjoyed by all.
When the Yank returned to his headquarters outside London, he went to the British liaison officer’s office, explained what had happened, and asked what the proper protocol would be for him at the wedding.
“At the wedding, pretty much the same as your American weddings, I would say, but a bit more elaborate.
The big difference would be after the wedding.  You will both have connecting rooms in  Claridges.
You will both go to your separate rooms, where you will bathe, apply cologne, put on your pajamas and robe, and go to the door connecting your two rooms.
You will rap on the door. She will answer, ‘yes,’ and you will say, ‘I offer you my honor.’
She will respond, ‘I honor your offer.’
That is your permission to enter her room.
After that, it’s honor and offer All night.” 

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

This is a transcript of an actual cyber sex session. As all of you are well aware, online computers are often used to engage in cyber-sex. Detailed and erotic fantasies are typed into the computer to be instantly transmitted over the Internet. Sometimes these harmless fantasies become fairly raunchy.

This is not the case with the following transcript of an actual on-line cyber -sex session. Either this guy is clueless or has the greatest sense of humor known to mankind.

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black leather mini skirt and high-heeled boots. I am tanned and very buffed. I work out everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I’m 6’3 and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought at Wal-Mart. I’m also wearing an old T-shirt, it’s got some barbecue sauce stains on it and it smells kind of funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up into your eyes and I’m smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I’m gulping. I’m beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest

Wellhung: Now, I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.

Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and I’m sliding it softly off. Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off of my warm body. I’m rubbing your bulge faster now, rubbing and pulling.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.

Sweetheart: That’s, OK. It wasn’t really too expensive.

Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it! I’m wearing a lacy black bra, my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and harder.

Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it’s stuck. Do you have scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind my back And undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air caresses my breasts, my
nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and Inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know,breasts. They’re neat!

Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered With spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I’m so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I’m wiping your phlegm off of my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I’m taking your sopping wet blouse from you and throwing it in the corner of the room.

Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold! Yeee!

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties

Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out and nibbling on you. Ummm, wait a second.

Sweetheart: What’s the matter?

Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.

Sweetheart: Is there anything I can do to help?

Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen. Choking wildly. Looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups??

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink!

Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There that’s better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now. Sweetheart: I’m aching for you lover.

Wellhung: Now I’m drying the cup. I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait it’s dark, I’m lost. Where is The bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I’m tugging off your pants. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don’t you take your glasses off?

Wellhung: OK. But I can’t see very well. I’m placing my glasses on the nightstand.

Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly to the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet and lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?

Wellhung: I just realized I peed in your hamper. Sorry again I’m walking back to the bed now. Blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: Now I’m going to put my, you know, thing in your umm, woman’s thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, Baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. Ma’am, I’m having a little problem here.

Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth. I can’t wait another second.  Slide it in! Screw me!

Wellhung: I’m flaccid.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I’m looking for my glasses to see what the problem is.

Sweetheart: NO! Never mind. I’m getting dressed, I’m putting on my underwear and my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait. I can’t find the night table. I’m reaching across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. I’m putting on my shoes

Wellhung: Now I’ve found my glasses. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain! The curtain is on fire. I’m pointing at it with a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell! I’m logging off, LOSER!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Nooooooo!

It’s a bad idea to take a dog named Shark to the Beach.

So, a burglar broke into the house … I put the red dot on his chest … and the cat did the rest.

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.  As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

“What are you doing out hear at 2 A.M.?” asked the officer.

“I’m going to a lecture.” The man said.

“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.

“My wife,” said the man.

And that, dear friends, describes most old men.

Found out two things today:

1.  Kitchen sex can be wild and exciting.

2.  The staff at McDonald’s are quite narrow minded.

If she eats her French Fries with a fork, she’s probably not going to do that thing you like.

I’m told to treat others as I want to be treated.
Now I’m facing Sexual Harassment Charges.
Thanks.

1950:  I bet in 70 years we will have flying cars.

2020:  This syrup is racist

Did You Know: In Medieval England, EELS were used as currency, specifically for rental agreements. (A slippery snake-like creature for housing?) (Apparently) (How weird is that?)

I work at a hotel.  A guest asked why there was no Fourth of July parade or any fireworks in town.  We were in Australia.

I think I need to lose a little weight.  I tried to sit up in bed this morning and ended up rocking myself back to sleep.

 

These next two are for Papa Dragon Most Senior…

This is a really special picture and it’s especially cool because it’s what Papa Dragon Most Senior (My Dad) used to do for a living for Jersey Central Power and Light Company.  He started out as a Lineman and did that for many years.

This award-winning 1967 photo, taken by Rocco Morabito, was titled “The Kiss of Life.” It shows two electrical operators, Champion Randall and JD Thompson, on top of an electricity pole.

They had been performing routine maintenance when Champion brushed one of the low voltage lines at the top of the power pole. More than 4,000 volts entered Champion’s body and his heart was instantly stopped (an electric chair uses about 2,000 volts).

His safety harness prevented a fall, and Thompson, who had been ascending below him, quickly reached him and took a mouth-to-mouth breath. He was not able to perform cardiopulmonary resuscitation, given the circumstances, but continued mouth-to-mouth breathing, keeping Champion’s lungs active until he felt a slight pulse, then unfastened the harness and descended with it on his shoulder.

Thompson and other workers performed CPR on the floor at Champion, whose breathing and heart rate were gradually restored.

Then the paramedics arrived and Champion’s recovery was complete.

His partner had saved his life with what the picture looks like a kiss.

Champion survived and lived until 2002, when he died of heart failure at the age of 64. Thompson is still living. The photograph was published in newspapers around the world and won the Pulitzer Prize in 1968.

There are friends who are not friends, and there are friends who are more than brothers.  (Thanks Lynn)

Yeah … I’ve got questions, too.

That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even autocorrect is like, I’ve got nothing man.

Women Love Mythical Creatures:

Vampires
Werewolves
Unicorns
Men Who Listen

Abso-friggin’-lootely!

I gently pushed my hand into my pocket and pulled the last one out.  It trembled at first and clung to my hand.  “Go on, it will be ok,” I whispered.

Encouraged, it flexed its wings and I knew the time was right.  It flew up towards the blue, blue sky and I looked on proudly as it made its way to freedom.

The last of my fucks was finally given.

Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for him.

I’m starting up a new restaurant that serves curry poured over French Fries.  It’s called “Curry On My Wayward Spud” and yes, There’ll be peas when you are done.

I was going down the store aisle the wrong way and this guy screams at me, “DIDN’T YOU SEE THE ARROWS?!”

Ducking down, I said, “I didn’t even see the Indians!”

And that’s it for today dear friends.  I hope I was able to give you all a smile today.  May you all be blessed with your weekend.

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Well, today is the day … for me, anyway.  For you reading this, it has already happened.  You should be able to tell how I already feel about this day by the little clues I’m leaving for you.  It’s Tuesday morning and they are supposed to be delivering my new refrigerator sometime today.  You can see me up there standing next to the floor model with drink in hand … just waiting.  Well, the day is already not going well.  They were supposed to call me between 0800 and 0830 to give me an idea about what time they were going to show up today.  Well, it’s now 0900 and still no phone call. 

Not that it really matters I suppose.  I took the whole day off work anyway.  But, you know.  I’m a military man at heart.  I like things planned out.  I want to stick to a schedule.  I want to know how much time I have to fume and worry.  And besides, I need to make sure that I pace myself and am not too drunk by the time they get here.

Okay, so I just had to know, so I just called and was told that they are loading up the trucks and will be making their phone calls shortly … so I guess I jumped the gun a little bit. 

So, while we’re waiting to find out when I’ll be getting my fridge, why don’t we get some of the laughter started, shall we?

 

BREAKING NEWS:  Opening night for baseball season, a foul ball killed 2 cardboard fans!  They will be listed as COVID-19 deaths.

Yup … me, too.

I got this next email from Tom in Oregon.  I thought it was important enough and poignant enough to share with you all.

Hello Impish, I’m sure you’ve heard about the “peaceful” protesters in Portland, Oregon and you likely have seen a few pictures or videos too. Our governor and the mayor of Portland blame everything on Trump and his “thugs.” The governor has told us to all wear masks, don’t have any outdoor cookouts or celebrations for graduates and don’t gather in groups of more than ten. Bars and other businesses are ordered to close at 10 P.M. I guess the virus knows how to tell time and comes out at 10:00.

Of course none of this applies if you want to riot, loot and destroy property. All those who want to “peacefully” destroy and burn their city are immune to everything. You are welcome and encouraged to gather in groups of a thousand or more to riot, but if you go to church or have a wedding you will get sick and die. Then the governor says we don’t live in a dictator state and she wants the federal troops to leave us alone.

These guys are not military. They are federal police and are here to help. I think most of the sane people realize that. Anyway, I wanted to share a few pictures so you can see just how peaceful these great citizens really are. You might not see these on the news.

Thanks, Tom.

Yeah, Tom.  They look like quiet, peaceful protestors to me.  Thank you for sharing your perspective with the rest of us.  These are definitely pictures that we wouldn’t get a chance to see on the main-stream media.

Okay, that is scary as Fuck!  If I saw that rising in the morning I would know it was the end of the world … or 2020.

Oh, damn.  There it is!  Been looking for that.

And speaking of stupid shit.  (We were speaking of stupid shit, right?  Yeah, okay, right) So, speaking of stupid shit, this is the headline that popped up on my tablet last night as I was heading to bed …

“Grandfathering” to no longer be used due to “racist origins”, says Massachusetts appeal court

Are you fucking kidding me?  Now the term Grandfather is racist?  

Here’s the exact quote the court used, “Specifically, the phrase ‘grandfather clause’ originally referred to provisions adopted by some States after the Civil War in an effort to disenfranchise African-American voters by requiring voters to pass literacy tests or meet other significant qualifications, while exempting from such requirements those who were descendants of men who were eligible to vote prior to 1867,” Milkey wrote.

In lieu of the “grandfathered” phrase, the court wrote that they law “provides a certain level of protection to all structures that predate applicable zoning restrictions.”

Oh my god, you pussy, snowflake, cupcakes!  The word is used to describe a situation in so many other times and places, but because it was used in this one time and place you are now going to say it is racist?  ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MINDS?

You know the slaves were put into chains and whipped while they were in the fields … are the terms “whips” and “chains” now racist terms?  I think there is a whole S&M community out there who might take umbrage with that.  They were forced to pick cotton, are we now going to say that cotton is a racist plant?  Do we have to rename it?  Or do we have to start making our clothing out of something else?  Are present-day cotton farmers racist because they continue to traffic in this evil, devil weed? 

The word “Grandfather?”  For crying-out-loud!  Is there nobody out there with a lick of common sense.  This was a state court of appeals who came up with this!!!  YOU FUCKING COWTOWING PUSSIES!!!

Grow a pair of balls and stand up for yourselves and stop parading in front of the damn cameras!  Yes, racism is a horrible problem that we have in the world right now, but do you honestly think you are helping by making this stupid shit up?  The term “Grandfathering” and the word “Grandfather” IS NOT RACIST. 

As long as we keep bringing stupid shit up and those of you who keep finding stupid racist shit where there isn’t any?  YOU ARE THE RACISTS!!!!  Leave the rest of us the fuck alone.

Okay, so yeah…I did jump up on the soapbox and rant a bit.  It just started out as being a bit of a funny thing I read and the more I wrote the more pissed off I got so … I almost deleted it, but decided to leave it in.  You guys will let me know whether I made the right decision or not, I’m sure.

Nothing says “Unity” like playing a separate National Anthem for black people and white people at NFL games.

Yeah, no shit.

Want to come over and watch porn on my flat screen mirror?

Do you know what really makes me smile?

Facial muscles.

Think about it – laugh for the day: The federal government which has the “Tomahawk” cruise missiles and the “Apache,” “Blackhawk,” “Kiowa,” and “Lakota” helicopters and used the code name “Geronimo” in the attack that killed Osama bin Laden, officially object to the name of the Washington “Redskins”.

Really?

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, “For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who got up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat’s water and food dish. And now that you’ve decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I’m only going to  say this one more time. “I haven’t made the porridge yet?”.

Quick fridge update…1030 … still no phone call … alcohol level has risen substantially, has stayed pretty much on par with my stress level.  I think I might just be freaking out a tiny bit.  Not 100% sure, but my two dogs are telling me that day drinking is a pretty good sign of it.  Okay, back to the laughter.

Assistant:  “Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”

Boss:  “Certainly not!”

Assistant:  “Thank you so much sir!  I knew you would be understand.”

Another quick fridge update – I can’t believe I missed that I had a voicemail waiting on my phone – seems Luke, the delivery guy called and said that he would be delivering the fridge between 1200 and 1400 and had my address and could I please call him back to verify that someone would be home and the address.  Seems he called the same time I was calling to see if I was going to get a call.  Now, don’t I feel stupid?  Nope, just S.O.P. for the way I figure today is going to go.

Yup … I saw something else … and they are both one of my greatest pleasures in life.  And I don’t need to consult a psychologist.

Traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station.  The attendant asks the old man, “Where you folks from?  I know everybody in this town.”

The old man says, “We’re from Nebraska.”

Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, “What did he say, papa?”

The old man answers her, “He asked us where we are from.”

“Oh,” replies the old woman.

The old man tells the attendant to fill up the tank and check the tires.  When tat’s all done, the attendant tells the old man, “You know, the worst piece of ass I ever had was from Nebraska.”

The old lady nudges her husband once more and asks, “What did he say, papa?”

The husband replies, “He thinks he knows you, mama.”

My friend told me that he had the body of a Greek god.  I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

Wow!  The miracles of modern medi … er … um  … cooking?

Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one.  Break their bones; they have 206.

Stephanie sent this next one and said, “You were asking for it.”

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.
“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.
“That’s ok Master.” Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”
Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!” 

Stephanie was right.  It was awful and I deserved every bit of it.  I’m sorry Steph.  I do love you, though.

Stephanie sent me this one next…I’m sure it will be better.

So a horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm. One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on. The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, they’re inspired.

So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but there’s one problem: I’m a horse.” The employee says “no problem come right down we’ll teach you everything you need to know” and before you know it, he’s jamming out on the guitar. After that the cow calls too and says “hey I want to learn how to play the bass but there’s a problem: I’m a cow” to where the employee replies “awesome! We have special bass lessons just for cows this week come on down!” And before you know it the horse and cow are jamming in harmony with their guitar and bass. Lastly the chicken calls and asks for drum lessons, to where he is accepted with open arms. They are now all jamming in the barn and having a blast.

A few days later, a record producer coincidentally walks through town and sees the horse, cow, and the chicken making music. He instantly knows he has to make them famous and offers them a deal. Now the horse, cow, and chicken are famous, worldwide rock stars making millions of dollars and even moved off the farm to a luxurious estate. With the fortune came fame and life was great.

One day, on the way to tour before boarding the plane, the horse gets a phone call, his mom is sick! The cow and the chicken say “don’t worry we’ll go without you, catch up and the tour will continue it’ll be fine” so the horse goes to check on his mother. It turns out it was a false alarm, but the plane crashes and the cow and chicken die.

The horse is devastated, the money power and fame is gone, the music is in the past, and he is back to the barn, but alone without his friends. In agony and desperation after such a long journey, he decides to get a drink. He walks into the bar and the bartender asks:

“Why the long face?” 

 

Come on Steph!  I said I was sorry!

Elon Musk and Bill Gates should partner up to make a medicine that makes your dick long.

And name it ElonGates

Cop:  “Turn around.”

Me:  “Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never comin’ round”

Cop:  “TURN AROUND!”

Me:  “Every now …” [gets tazed]

 

1245 hrs.: Still no joy…

Okay … I got a bunch of these all in a row.  For your special entertainment.  Anyone who doesn’t think Florida is the most screwed up state in the union doesn’t know what they are talking about:

I think I’ve actually thrown up in my mouth a little

Un – freaking – believable

A miner rests his bones after a very long shift.
“I don’t think I can keep doing this for much longer,” he tells his buddy at the bar.

“You just need a little pep in your step,” his friend says, handing him a prescription bottle. “Take one of these twice a day and then see how you’re feeling tomorrow.”

Hesitantly, but without much to lose, the miner takes his friend’s advice. The next day, he gets more done than he ever has before.

“You were right!” he later tells his friend. “That was the easiest day of my life!”

“Right?!” his friend exclaims. “If you think that was great, try taking an extra tomorrow!”

Trusting him again, he then proceeds to dig out even *more* coal than the previous day. Seeing a trend, he decides to double up his current dose to get even more yield the following day.

But within just a few hours, he begins to sweat vigorously. His heart races. He fills more and more minecarts with coal. Eventually, his reckless motions with a pickaxe lead to a cave-in!

Escaping with his life, he leans on his knees, gasping for air, as his friend claps him on the back.

“What did I tell you! You mined more coal today than the rest of the men combined have done in three months!”

“But we lost 17 men in there!” the miner exclaims.

His friend just shrugs. “Eh, coal-Adderall damage.” 

 

Yup … you guessed it … Stephanie.

 

 

It’s here!  It’s here!  Woo Hoo!  Lucas and Lukas came and delivered the new fridge.  Well, first they came and picked up the old fridge and in order to do that they had to take the kitchen door off the hinges, take the doors off the old fridge and move it out to the street.  Then the two guys had to take the new fridge mostly apart, take the doors off, and all kinds of other stuff off of it to get it through the door.  They got it all in the kitchen, in the right spot, then put it all together … well … except the water line for the ice maker and such, I got a buddy coming over on Saturday to help me out with that.  Then they had to put the kitchen door back on the hinges and clean everything up. 

One hour and twenty minutes.  I was truly impressed.  Now, all I have to do is wait on the oven … well, range.  Whatever the hell it’s called.  And that is supposed to be delivered on the 18th … in two more weeks!!!!

Sigh.

Patience Impish.

Patience.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way.  So, I turned the air-conditioning on.

I’m proposing if Halloween is cancelled, kids just dress up and sit on their front lawns and adults drive by and throw candy.

And I think that is an AWESOME idea!  If you don’t have a front lawn of your own, like if you live in an apartment, I’ll bet you have a friend who has a lawn!

We can work this out.

I read a stat that the average person eats forty-six slices of pizza a year.  This is the first time in my life I’ve been above average at anything.

If Black Panther and Storm had kids … wouldn’t that make them Thunder Cats?

YOU MATTER

Until you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you energy.

Math humor.

ENGINEERING FACT

An opinion without 3.14 is an onion.
You’ll understand.

I Hate waiting in lines …

I wish this woman would just hurry up and pick a suspect.

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I’m sure of … it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

And that’s it for today my friends.  More people to thank that I didn’t get to, but I’m so minus on sleep and I’ve got to get this out so you can have it tomorrow to read.  Eyes are closing and I can’t see to type.  Love and peace to you all.

Cheers ~ Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

I’m going to warn you now that this is probably going to be a short issue if I’m going to put this out for Monday.  I’ve been teaching class all weekend, haven’t had a spare minute to myself and now it’s Sunday evening and I’m just now getting to the point where I’m getting this started, so I’m going to get as much of an issue done as I can so you guys have something to chuckle about on Monday and then … well … I guess we’ll see.

Tuesday, the new fridge is supposed to be here, I hope and pray that that goes well.  I really, really need for something to go well.  So… here’s all your instructions:  All of you … good wishes, prayers, anything that you can send my way on Tuesday will be deeply appreciated.  I know that they are just dropping off and picking up a silly fridge and what could POSSIBLY go wrong, but we’re talking about Impish Dragon here and my luck over the last month.  What could possibly go wrong?  The world has taken that as a challenge lately!

So, enough about that and let’s get on with the laughter, shall we?

If rioters come to your area, please remember, don’t be a litterbug.  Pick up your brass.

Sounds like me!

All men like to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs.  The problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves and the maniac stays.

A foolish man complains of his torn pocket while a wise man uses it to scratch his balls.

It’s called Karma and it’s pronounced “Haha, fuck you!”

I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said, “If you can read this the wife fell off.”

I couldn’t believe it today, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year old son wasn’t actually mine … she says I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

He asks the barman, “Why are those two pieces of meat hanging fromt eh ceiling?”

The barman replies, “It’s a competition which we run every night.  If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night.”

“Great!” says the man, “But what if I can’t reach them?”

“Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night,” the barman answers.  “Do you want to try?”

“No, but thanks anyway.”

“Why not?” asks the barman.

“The steaks are too high.”

If your boyfriend is cheating on you, don’t worry yourself my sister.  Just go through his phone and find the number of the girl, call her and pretend to be his sister and thank her for helping my brother understand that having HIV is not the end of the world.  Then sit back, God will do the rest.

A guy stole my car last nigh and before I tried calling the police I thought:  “Fuck it, let him explain the bodies in the trunk.”

My uncle picks a fight with me like he doesn’t know how evil I can be.  I’m going to steal his phone and save my two numbers as “Jenny Sweet” and Naomi Big Ass” then repeatedly call him and hang up at 3am.

His wife will do the fighting for me.  Me, I don’t’ fight with my elders.

This woman in Walmart just told her kids, “You’re campaigning for an ass whopping and you ‘bout to win the election.”

Some angry guy with road rage just yelled out his window, “I’m gonna make your life a living hell!”

I yelled back, “Thanks but I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”

A new supermarket opened near my home.  It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.  Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.

I saw 4 guys beating up a kid, so I decided to step in and help.  Little fucker didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us.

And that’s it for today I’m afraid.  Let’s hope it’s better for Thursday my friends.  My love to you all.

Cheers ~ Impish Dragon