Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Sunday…a day of rest.  A day to recharge and get yourself right.  Today is also Mother’s Day.  One day out of the year to celebrate the contributions of moms everywhere.  Yeah, like one day is enough for that!  Not hardly!  If it wasn’t for Mom’s, none of us would even be here.  Could the same be said for dads?  I don’t know.  I’d hate to get into THAT debate, but none of us would argue that moms are special.  Moms make the world go round, so for all of you Mothers out there…

May your day be filled with joy and laughter.  Momma Damian, Love you!

And I saw this and thought it was funny…

Now, on to some other things. 

Gonna get this out of the way before the media spins some shit. 

Drinking insect repellent will not save you from Murder Hornets.

Coronavirus was created by Spirit Halloween Stores so a bunch of businesses would go under and they could move into the vacant buildings this fall.

Coffee is vital for survival.  Dinosaurs didn’t have coffee, and look how that turned out.

So, I was flying a kite and this guy actually asks me, “So ya flying a kite?”

I replied, “Nope, fishing for birds.”

So, I just got home from running my errands…it was an exciting morning!  The first part was kinda dull.  Left early so I could run to the pharmacy and pick up some medicine.  Yeah, it sucks being old.  Then ran to the grocery where people were jacked-up-crazy!  Fuckers were NUTS!  Like it was the last day anything was going to be open and everything was on sale!  And this was my little grocery store in little ole northern Indiana!  Glad I only stopped in for a couple of things.  So, I had enough time before my eye appointment that I ran back home and dropped off the couple of things and then drove back along the river, listening to a podcast that I like and had this doe run RIGHT out in front of me!

Slammed on the brakes!  Locked them suckers up!  Skid marks and everything.  Missed her by that much.  Finished driving to the eye doctor and they had the nerve to tell me I looked a little flushed!  Ya think! 

The appointment was my long awaited final follow-up to my cataract surgery and I didn’t realize that they were going to dilate my pupils and I didn’t bring along any sunglasses.  I was also the last patient of the day and when I realized how bright the sun was and turned around to get one of those cheapy ones that they had inside the door was locked.  I had to drive to my next stop squinting out of one eye into the bright sun…it was exciting. 

My next stop was the Dairy Queen drive-thru where I picked up an ice cream cake for Mother’s Day tomorrow (today, for you guys) and damn near dropped it before I could get it settled in the seat beside me cause I couldn’t FRIGGIN’ SEE!  I kept thinking that damn deer was a premonition.  All this for a damn surprise cake!

But, I made it home, safe and sound, as you can see from me writing to you.  I’m pretty sure that’s the cake I bought.  At this point, I really don’t care, I spent about 5 minutes kissing the ground when I got home.  Got some grass in my mouth, but I don’t even care.

Anyway, let’s get back to the laughs.  I’ve got some letters and stuff to share with you guys today, so it should be a good issue.

My morning coffee makes me feel like I’ve got my shit together.

I don’t.

But it makes me feel like I do.

Really good advice follows… PAY ATTENTION:

Taking care of yourself is an essential part of taking care of others.
The healthier the tree, the better the fruit it can offer.

The fuck you say!

Okay, I can print this next one because it was sent to me by a woman, who is also a dear friend, so that absolves me of all responsibility…just sayin’…

Let’s take a moment to recognize all the women who went the extra mile today and put on a bra.

If you can’t look back at you’re your younger self and realize that you were an idiot, you are probably still an idiot.

Okay more really good, really IMPORTANT advice coming…

I don’t care if we are all wearing masks, you should still be putting on deodorant.

Come on, people… really?

Okay, YUCK!

Husband admiring his naked body in the mirror, says to his wife, “Look at that 14 stone of pure dynamite!”

Wife replies, “Fucking shame about the 2 inch fuse!”

If I was a superhero I’d be the Typoman.
”The Writer of Wrongs”

Okay, let’s do the mail….

Thank you for ALL  your efforts and laughs, really am enjoying the daily version. Was just reading your intro to the Saturday edition about R&R or R&R&R…when I was in VietNam we went on I&I..Intoxication and Intercourse.

Chris

 

Thanks Chris, Yup…missed Vietnam by about two years myself, but I have definitely been on some of those “tours”.  Glad you are enjoying the ezine.

 

This is from part of an email from Leah D.

 

I got a call from my friend who lives in a pricey assisted living apartment, in Orem, UT.  They were told “someone” has the virus so they are all in quarantine.  Before, they were quarantined to the building.  Now they must stay in their own apartments.

I get it Leah.  My dad lives in one of those in Florida.  They have to stay in their apartment and their meals are delivered to them.  It’s keeping them safe, but it’s driving them crazy.  But, it’s keeping them safe.  I’m just glad he’s not in some nursing home somewhere.

 

Next is Bill, trying to offend me.

 

Bill G

Sorry, but I have not been offended by anything in your newsletter so far. Perhaps this will help your quest to be more offensive:

Three pals are at a bar discussing their families. The Protestant announces that he has three daughters “one more and I’ll have a volleyball team. The Catholic claims to have five sons “one more and I’ll have a hockey team. The Muslim proudly announces “I have 17 wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course”.

Keep up the good work. All the best.
Bill

Thanks Bill, glad you are enjoying the ezine and nope, you haven’t offended ME.  But, I don’t offend easily.  Cheers!

 

Next, from our buddy down in Deception Bay..

 

Aussie Pete

HEY…. DON’T FORGET THE DROP BEARS MATE !!!!

NO!  Na-Uh!  Pete, you made it sound like those were NATURALLY occurring beasties!  NOT something new!  Now, which is it?! 

nogardcimsoc

May you live as long as you love, and love as long as you live.

Thanks Donnie!  And the same to you and to all of our campers!

Leah D.

Don’t know if you are ready to handle more truth yet . . . But Japan asked the US to share our UFO information with them.
Since back in November, the US asked Japan to pay billions more for our troops being there, I’m thinking they are looking for a new ally?
When I was a teen, the Uintah Basin in Utah, was a hot spot for UFO’s. MY mother and sister had quite the UFO experience. I am an avid UFO enthusiast.
I don’t know how far reaching the Documentary about Skin Walker Ranch on TV is, but it is, of course, where I speak of as “out home.”
Then there is Bigfoot . . . .

Okay, aliens I can deal with.  I’ve been fiercely interested in UFOs myself for a VERY long time.  Ever since I was a little dragon.  I read portions of the original Project Blue Book, for a while I watched everything and read everything I could get my hands on, then I kind of dropped it, but Marvin and I stayed friends and I stayed mildly interested.  When the show on the History channel came out, I watched it and realized that I was familiar with every story that they told, although a few of them were told a little differently then I remembered.  So yeah, Leah…. I’m ready, lay it on me.  Oh… and Bigfoot…a member of his extended family is already a fellow camper here, Sasquatch, so yeah, no big deal.

And to wrap it up, I got another email from our buddy Dave at Accidental Fire.  You remember him…he’s got another one of his to share with us…Seems he’s having a festival:

I think we ought to join in!!! Feel free to drop by his website at https://accidentalfire.com/2020/05/09/announcing-2020-dumpster-fyre-festival/

and leave him a nice little comment

Fitness Instructor:  Have you ever done a marathon?

Me: You mean like on Netflix?

Netflix should change it’s message from “Are you still watching” to “You should shower and come back”

I might have a slight drinking problem…

My husband asked me to toast some bread for him.  I raised my wine glass and said, “Here’s to bread.”

Remember: Having sex on a regular basis helps keep your memory alive.  I wish you all a great 2016.

Okay, you can’t make this stuff up.

And that’s it for today.  Remember to wish your mom a wonderful day and to have a bit of a great day yourselves.  Remember, you can reach me at impishdragon@gmail.com or by leaving a comment on the website.  But, most of all, remember to be good to one another, until we meet again and have another lovely day to spend together.  Until then, love to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

It’s the weekend!  Time to rest, relax, and recharge!  The three Rs!  You remember hearing about GIs going on R&R, well, nowadays we go on R&R&R!  Okay, so I’m stretching it a bit, but it’s true.  We all need time to chill and we all do it in different ways.  Whatever ways it is for you, make sure you make time to do it.  My day is not going to be that restful today, I have an eye doctor appointment, which brings to bear some unpleasant hoops to jump through, then I have to go to Dairy Queen to pick up an ice cream cake that Mrs. Dragon has requested for Mother’s Day (why she has requested an ice cream cake, I don’t know, but she has, for the first time ever, so she shall have one).  Then I have a few other chores and errands to run, so needless to say, Saturday is shot to hell.  Izzy Dragon has made a very special card for her mom, Izzy is a bit of a digital artist, you’ve seen some of her art work here before, here’s the cover of her card, based on an owl from an online game, or so I gather.

She is not happy with it, but I think it is great.

Anyway, what were we talking about?

Oh yeah, R&R&R.  Make sure you get some.  It’s important!  But, make sure you wish mom a happy day, too.

And now, let’s get some laughs started, shall we?

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.  Unless you are prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.

Mick says, “Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?”

Paddy says, “well me and Mary haven’t been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor.”

If you take all of the marshmallows out of a box of Lucky Charms, you’re left with a box of Purina Cat Chow.

At the store was an X on the floor by the register for me to stand.

I’ve seen too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that crap.

I’m so confused about people who don’t drink coffee.

What in the world do they do?

Get an appropriate amount of sleep?

Nerd.

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

“I wish to live forever,” I said.

“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.”

“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people’s best interests!”

“You crafty bastard,” replied the fairy.

Standing up for yourself doesn’t make you argumentative.  Sharing your feelings doesn’t make you oversensitive.  And saying no doesn’t make you uncaring or selfish.  If someone won’t respect your feelings, needs, and boundaries, the problem isn’t you; it’s them. ~ Lori Deschene

Every day, I say to myself, “Susan, you have to stop drinking wine.” Thankfully, I’m not Susan.

At least we don’t have to hunt for our food, I don’t even know where Tacos live.

I’m a little scared cause Biden said that “people are dying that never died before” … and I’ve never died before.

Make it stop!

Does anyone know how to lower the difficulty setting on my life?

Okay, my head just FUCKING exploded!  Let me explain….first, I saw this cartoon:

And I thought…nah… I remember reading something about some Navy pilots getting in a jam recently for talking about something, but UFOs is another thing that I’ve been interested in for a while, so I did a quick Google search, … Type in [Pentagon confirms UFOs] and bam got a hit…Here’s my top hits

So, I just spent the last hour reading through and watching the videos, and I was right, it was the same Navy videos with more information, but the biggest deal was that instead of calling the pilots crazy, which has always been the plan in the past, or saying that it was a weather balloon or some sort of weather or spatial phenomenon, the government has come right out and said that the videos are real, and the objects are unidentified aerial phenomenon or UAPs…what are now the new UFOs.  So yeah, the cartoon was right.  The Pentagon just confirmed the existence of UFOs and it never even made a blip on the news!  I had to look it up on Google to confirm it.

O H   M Y   F R I G G I N ‘   H O R S E    F E A T H E R S ! ! !

I need to go rest now.

Mind completely blown…

Why are we not talking about this on all the news channels?  On all the talk shows?  I know they waited until April to say anything and we’re in the midst of all this coronavirus stuff, but still!!!

Maybe the aliens have the cure!  Maybe the aliens are the cause!  Maybe I need another drink!
Maybe it’s time to change the subject!

Yes, we really do.  But, do you know how rare that is?  Or how uncommon?  Yes, common sense is very uncommon…or as a wiser man once said: “Common sense, isn’t.”

So…to eliminate the Murder Hornets, do we just run a giant Sting Operation?

So, I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
”Are you sure?”
”Yeah, I’m definite.”

You’re the only two people on the road and you hit each other…yup, that’s the definition of 2020.

No problemo dude, been there.

And that’s with commercial breaks!

Okay, wait…. Let me see if I’ve got the order right:

• Coronavirus
• Murder Hornets
• Sentient Apes
• Land Sharks
• Grizzly Gators
• Murder Death Kill Bunnies

Did I leave any out?  Seems like I’m missing something….
Well, we haven’t seen killer tomatoes, they’ve hinted at aliens, no one has said anything about killer clowns, although the movie It just had a sequel, so we can’t discount that…gosh, why do I feel like I’m leaving something out.  The mythological creatures are all on our side.  Oh yeah!  There was that one sighting of Godzilla….but I haven’t heard any more about him.  I’m not sure if he falls under mythological or not.  He was kinda a good guy and kinda a bad guy, so hard to say where he falls on the hero/villain spectrum.  We’ll just leave him as an unknown for now.  None of the rest of his genre have been heard from, Mothra and the rest.  Bill Gates is probably cooking up some Microsoft 20 where laptops come to life and start eating people or something.

Well, I have to warn my dogs about these new Murder Death Kill Bunnies for when they are on perimeter patrol.  It is their sworn duty to protect the premises from bunnies of all kinds although I’m not sure how they’d fare against these bunnies.

Anyway, I’ll brief the pups, you guys laugh some more

Not sure you’re getting that right.

 

So, it’s time to go to the mailbox and get the mail from the creepy hand.  Our first letter is from Dave…

Dave

Your comment about making fun of yourself, reminded me of years back. When she ask, “Who do you think you’re going to satisfy, with that little thing”? I replied, “ME”!

Yup, and he rolls over afterwards, looks at her quizzically and says, “What?  I got mine. You get yours.”  And the relationship didn’t last long after that.

Leah D

Aha! Now I know where to get the jar of common sense and unopened can of competence the Governor of Utah seriously needs. He opened the State Parks . . . we are surrounded by states like Nevada, Arizona, and California that have strong stay at home orders because their virus count is too high. So guess where they all went for some fun . . . .?

Leah…dear, dear Leah.  You know I love you.  But I am not, under any circumstances, giving you my jar of common sense, nor my unopened can of competence for a Governor who you and I both know will mix it in a friggin’ casserole and then burn the damn casserole!  Sorry, dear.

 

I’m about 5 pounds away from Google Maps listing me as a roundabout.

NO!  WAIT!  None of that was on the fucking list!!!

I ain’t startin’ over!

NOW WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!?!  Come On!  This shit has got to stop!!

• Coronavirus
• Murder Hornets
• Sentient Apes
• Land Sharks
• Grizzly Gators
• Murder Death Kill Bunnies
• Sharknadoes
• Flamethrowing Turtles
• Aircraft Carrier Snails

DID I FORGET ANYBODY????  COME ON!  NOW’S YOUR CHANCE!! SPEAK UP!!!!

I need a freaking break!!!!

And that will do it for another episode of Dragon Laffs.
I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed putting it together.
May your day be filled with Love, Laughter, and Life.
Cheers!
Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Friday!  Already!  Well, for me, it’s Thursday and if the truth be told, it’s actually Wednesday night and I decided to get a little bitty jump on Friday’s issue … just to get the tent pegs set and the fire started, as it were.  I like to get a good base down before I really jump into things so that I don’t waste a lot of time, early in the morning when I’m not really all there and I’m still groping for the coffee cup setting the issue up and getting the header in and the issue lined up on the runway.  It’s a whole lot easier for me if I can just jump right in and get started.  And the way it normally works, it is so seamless, you guys don’t even know where I leave off Wednesday night and start up Thirsty merning…damn!!!  I have GOT to fine me som coffee!!!!!!

SEE!   SEEEEEMLy ness!  

Okay, where was we?

Right, Thursday morning!

Right….Right…  Okay…here we go…

My God, I need to start getting more sleep at night or something.  Mrs. Dragon and I have been binge watching Justified on Hulu.  We are down to the last two episodes which I’m sure we will finish tonight.  I’ve also been reading…a lot.  I’ve been keeping track…hang on, let me look.  I’ve read 18 books since the first of April.  That’s 18 books in 37 days or a book every other day, so long as I finish the one I’m currently reading by tomorrow.  Mrs. Dragon sent me this and says this is me…
Personally, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten higher praise.

But, that is one of the reasons I don’t get enough sleep at night.  I start in reading in bed and before I know it, a couple of hours have gone by and I’m well past my bed time.  It’s easy to disappear into a good novel and my tastes are VERY eclectic.  I read everything.  The only thing I haven’t really been able to get into are romance and western, but I have even dipped my talons into those upon occasion. 

I also don’t just stick to fiction, although I will confess that it is my main source of consumption.  But, I do find myself reading things that interest me in in all categories.  Anyway, enough about my hobbies and interests…what are you guys doing to keep yourselves busy?  I mean, other than reading and laughing with me here at Dragon Laffs?  And speaking of laughing, shouldn’t we get to some of that this morning?  But first, maybe we should get something out of the way…  I had this deeper in the issue, but moved it to the top where I thought it would be more appropriate.

Okay Stop!  It probably goes without saying at this point in time that I am very politically incorrect, socially incorrect, sexually and genderly (is that even a word?) incorrect and just all around, INCORRECT.  We pick on everyone around here and we are not serious in any of it, so please…don’t get your panties (or boxers) in a twist about it.  I have actually gotten a couple of emails lately that I haven’t shared hinting that I’ve gone a little too far with some of my jokes and cartoons.  If you are in that category, then I’m sorry.  If a little bit of nudity bothers you, then I’m sorry for that as well.  Trust me, the ones that bother me, don’t get put on here.  And yes, there are some that bother me.  I don’t want you to not complain if you feel like I’ve offended you in some way, but at the same time, you need to understand that this is not an offensive ezine.  We need to laugh at each other and in turn, be able to laugh at ourselves.  I’m a fat old man  and you see plenty of fat old man jokes in here.  Because I think they are funny.  If I was a left handed dwarf who liked ice cream porn, then you’d also see that because, come on, who doesn’t like ice cream porn!  I guess what I’m saying is…

Another issue to be addressed with home schooling

I can look directly at someone, nod when they’re talking, maybe even throw in a “yeah” or an “uh huh” and still not hear a single word they said…

I think I believe it’s her, more than I believe it’s Dr. Evil.

I’m like a drug.  Use as directed.  Misuse will get you into trouble.  Can be addictive.  Use care when mixing with alcohol.

The other day I heard someone say, “Murder Hornets, Fuck Me, what could possibly be next!” and I thought to myself, you don’t EVER say that!  That’s like a cop or a dispatcher or a hospital worker saying, “It sure is a Quiet shift.”  Don’t ever use the Q word!  As a matter of fact, they did a whole episode of that on The Rookie the other night.  So, then I saw this…

…And I know just who to blame for this shit!!!

So, this next one is an oldie, but it made me crack up, so it’s still funny and therefore made it into today’s issue.

As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

As I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to cry. They cried, I cried, we all cried together. When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost….

As we end week 5 of the lock down, I’ve been thinking of Osama bin Laden.  He was stuck in his house with three wives for five years.  I’m beginning to wonder if he didn’t call those Navy Seals himself.

An Indian wants his son to have it better than him, so he sends the son away to trade school. The kid comes back after finishing electrician’s training.

The father takes him to the chief and is bragging about how smart his son is. The chief says to the kid “Look, every time I gotta go at night in my outhouse, I can’t read because it’s too dark unless the moon is out. Is there any chance you could put electricity and lights in the outhouse?”

The young Indian replies, “sure thing, Chief,” and he does as asked.

Thus, he became the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation!

And under the category of …

NO FUCKING WAY: A single parking space at The Center, a prestigious office building in Hong Kong, sold for almost $1 million!

 

Every once in a while someone amazing comes into your life.

…And here I am.

You’re welcome.

Somebody was asking for me?

Okay, so I’m just a sick enough puppy …. or dragon…that I found this extraordinarily funny.

Now wait!  Let’s think about this!  What if we could use this power to restore balance to the world?  What if, right here, we had the cure to the Coronavirus?  The means to halt the influx of the Murder Hornets?  And the ability to stop the Land Sharks from ever starting?  What if we could defeat the democratic party?  What if a Gang of Ass is all we ever really needed?  We need to conduct experiments!!  First, we need volunteers!  Ladies, our future depends on you!!  Send pictures to impishdragon@gmail.com and I will start the vetting process…

There’s my baby!  And I’ve had you apart on my work bench in to each individual part, many, many times, haven’t I?  ….. no…. the picture above…above…

Maybe the hoarding of toilet paper is a fact of nature that I just don’t get

Yup, let’s do some of this.

Joe

From today’s column. (Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.Wife: I am coming with the broom.
Husband: It ain’t urgent. You can come on foot) Funny variation: A man comes staggering home at 2am all drunk & hung-over. His wife is standing on the porch with a broom. He says ‘Wow, are you still cleaning or going for a ride?

Many good broom jokes.  I remember the first black eye…or maybe the second …. I received from my ex when we were arguing and I held out a broom to her and said, “Oh, it’s time for you to go, see, your ride is here.”  I was laughing so hard at my own wit, I didn’t keep my hands up and got popped for my own just desserts.  There is another really good cartoon of a guy standing on the front porch eyeing a broom leaning against the railing as he says to his wife, “When did your mother get here?”  I like that one, cause it’s subtle.  Thanks for sharing Joe

This next one is from Leah D and she’s got a complaint!

Leah D

I just found out I can give you 4 excellent star votes! My friends and associates thank you for the laughs they will get out of what I stole from you.
I, however, do not appreciate your total lack of compassion! I broke a rib this morning, and here you MAKE ME LAUGH OVER AND OVER!

Well Leah, thank you very much for the nice words, the excellent reviews and that you are sharing this with your friends.  As to your complaint, I do have compassion…I’m sure I have it here somewhere…oh yeah, I have an envelope of compassion right up on there on the shelf between the jar of common sense I stole from the Scarecrow and unopened can of competence I keep meaning to send to the democratic leadership.  In other words, I’m an evil bastard that will continue to make you laugh long past your broken ribs until you crumble to the ground in a small heap that can do nothing more than shake and giggle!

**Evil laughter echoes through the campground**

(Okay, that suddenly took a really dark turn—you guys look at a couple more cartoons, I need to go self medicate.)

Okay, it’s a couple of days late, but it’s still funny

So, we’ve taken another turn…

I’m not helping, you ought to be able to figure this one out on your own.  There’s enough clues there, after all.

And with the idea of eating Moe fresh in your heads, with that, we’ll call it a day.  I hope you had as much fun with today as I did.  I can’t wait for tomorrow’s issue.  Let’s all have fun for the rest of the day and be good to one another.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon!

Good Morning Campers,

Well, I got a chance to get some of this issue done on Tuesday and some of it done on Wednesday so this is going out to you on Thursday, so it’s going to be a Wednesday/Thursday issue.  Not as good as I had wanted and not as bad as I had feared.  But, it ended up being a bit longer issue than normal, so in the end…I hope it’s a wash for you guys.  I was trying to finish up an issue on Tuesday so you guys had something for Wednesday, but ended up with technical issues and had to have my internet provider overnight me a modem because mine bit the dust.  I guess, in the scheme of things it couldn’t have happened at a more opportune time since it worked out on the two days that I was working on base, but man oh man were Mrs. Dragon and Izzy pissed off. 

They still had TV and they still had data service on their phones, but no Wi-Fi for almost two whole days!  Well, intermittent Wi-Fi.  It would come on for 30 minutes and then die for an hour or so.  The guy on the phone and I troubleshot the problem for an hour or so and we both decided the modem had to go.  It was a couple of years old and since I worked for the government (okay, so I played it up a teeny bit more than was accurate) and I was teleworking currently, he would overnight the modem at no cost to me.  He was actually as nerdy as I was and we got along really well on the phone.  Anyway, long story short, Wednesday afternoon I was back up and running and all is right with the world…well, as of Wednesday evening, anyway.

So, wadda say we get to the stuff that you want to see and I’ll throw some stuff in here now and then…

Why does Waldo always appear in stripes?

Because he does not want to be spotted.

Justice is best served cold.

Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

At the lingerie store… Customer: Are these panties satin?   Salesperson: No, they’re brand new!

Alexander Graham Bell’s invention of the first telephone was completely useless!

… Until he invented the second one!

A Roman walks into a bar, holds two fingers up and says, “5 beers, please.”

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

Look!  More science humor!!!

Kitchen Sex – Because it’s probably my only chance to ever get laid on an island.

I’ll never forget the look on the cashiers face, when she scanned the packet of bird seed, and I asked her how long does it take for the birds to grow once I plant them.

Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.

Wife: I am coming with the broom.

Husband: It ain’t urgent.  You can come on foot.

Someone’s Therapist knows about you.

Some days I amaze myself.

Other days, I look for my phone while I’m talking on it.

This next one is from Lynn and it’s going to bring some of us back…it’s g0ing to bring some of us Way back, and some of us aren’t going to know what the hell we’re talking about.

Lost Words From Our Childhood

 

Mergatroyd!     Do you remember that word?  Would you believe the spell-checker did not recognize the word Mergatroyd?  Heavens to Mergatroyd!

 

The other day a not so elderly (I say 75) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy;     and he looked at her quizzically and said, “What the heck is a Jalopy?”  He had never heard of the word jalopy!  She knew she was old … But not that old.

 

Well, I hope you are   Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.

 

About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology.  These phrases included:     Don’t touch that dial, Carbon copy, You sound like a broken record, and Hung out to dry.

 

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie .  We’d put on our best bib and tucker,  to   straighten up and fly right.

 

Heavens to Betsy!     Gee whillikers!         Jumping Jehoshaphat!       Holy Moley!

 

We were in like Flynn and  living the life of Riley; and even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill.   Not for all the tea in China!

 

Back in the olden days, life used to be       swell,       but when’s the last time anything was swell?   Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and pedal pushers.

 

Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, but he isn’t anymore.

 

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say,  “Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!” Or,  “This is a fine kettle of fish!”      We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

 

Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we’ve left behind.  We blink, and they’re gone.  Where have all those great phrases gone?

 

Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey!  It’s your nickel.     Don’t forget to pull the chain.  Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks!   Going like sixty.           I’ll see you in the funny papers.  Don’t take any wooden nickels. Wake up and smell the roses.

 

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than  Carter has liver pills.   This can be disturbing stuff! (Carter’s Little Liver Pills are gone too!)

 

Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth… 

See ya later, alligator!     Okidoki.

 

You’ll notice they left out       “Monkey Business”!!!

 

WE ARE THE CHILDREN OF THE FABULOUS 50’S … NO ONE WILL EVER HAVE THAT OPPORTUNITY AGAIN .. WE WERE GIVEN ONE OF OUR MOST PRECIOUS GIFTS:  LIVING IN THE PEACEFUL AND COMFORTABLE TIMES, CREATED FOR US BY THE “GREATEST GENERATION!”

 

Lynn adds at the end…

Carbon paper reminded me of my early work days – 6 copies of a letter required.  5 sheets of carbon paper but check for mistakes – you had to pick them up before taking out of the typewriter because you had to go through each sheet, erase the character/s carefully and then type correct characters.  How things have changed. 

I remember carbon paper, too…and not too fondly I might add.  Thanks for sharing, Lynn.

 

 

Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.  I thought to myself, That’s a little condescending.

Q: When did humans first discover the benefits of marijuana?

A: During the Stoned Age.

Have you guys heard about these things!!!  Murder Hornets!!

A giant Asian hornet, 2 inches long with a giant stinger, called the “Murder Hornet” has been spotted in Washington state.  Okay, who the hell started playing Jumangi!!!  Come on!  This things are nasty!  They have killed off entire hives of honey bees and have even been known to kill humans!

I guess they are a real problem in Asia where they kill a couple of dozen people a year.  Here’s how they compare in size to other flying insects…

Now, I saw some bumble bees this week end that looked like the size of flying ping pong balls (lower right hand corner) so I can’t imagine this ugly fucker being that much larger than one of those things.  And this is one ugly son-of-a-bitch!  Take a look at this thing close up!

Yes, those are mandibles on the front that he uses to tear the heads off of honey bees!  I’m a friggin’ dragon and this thing scares hell out of me!

The hornet can sting through most beekeeper suits, deliver nearly seven times the amount of venom as a honey bee, and sting multiple times. 

This is a real problem.  Let’s hope they can eradicate it before it gets a foothold here.

Okay, I’m sorry….#7 made me laugh until I cried.  Does that make me bad?  I think it does, but it doesn’t matter.  I still did!

Don’t join dangerous cults; practice safe sects.

You can’t tell me anything about déjà vu —- I’ve seen it all before.

Personally, I think it’s awesome!  They’d have gotten a prize from me.  Like an empty ice cream cone or something.

Raining cats and dogs isn’t as bad as hailing taxis.

Okay, let’s go back to being a little political again.  This one was also sent in by Lynn and it’s very telling who it’s written by…

5/4/2020

Pelosi’s Coronavirus Power Grab

By Bradley Byrne

For nearly two months, my staff and I have been fielding calls from the people of southwest Alabama—small-business owners, bankers, seniors and many others. The government’s response to coronavirus is affecting their livelihoods, and their congressman may be the only voice they have in Washington. But when the lights are turned off in the committee rooms and on the floor of the House, who’s watching out for them? Who’s holding Washington accountable? More important than the flawed message Congress’s absence sends to the American people—that their representatives value personal protection over their constituents’ interests— is the reality. When nobody is around, it is easier to make backroom deals, and Speaker Nancy Pelosi is taking advantage. She has consolidated the power of the institution in her person. Without lawmakers there to speak up for their districts and influence the legislative process, Mrs. Pelosi has made herself the sole voice and negotiator for the House, as it passes massive funding and regulatory bills.

As Congress sits at home, we don’t hear about legislative compromises and breakthroughs between a chairman and ranking member. Instead what matters is when and how often Mrs. Pelosi has been on the phone with White House officials.

Her mode of operating is crystal clear. Once the speaker feels she has gained maximum concessions from President Trump, she calls the House back to Washington to be quickly and quietly herded into the chamber to cast an up-or-down vote—bypassing committees, markups and every process that gives most lawmakers a voice. We’re told no amendments are possible and we shouldn’t even get close to the floor of the House until it is our turn to vote. We have added trillions to the nation’s debt and affected millions of American lives in this ridiculous sham of a process.

The coronavirus has given Mrs. Pelosi the greatest control over the House of Representatives of any speaker in U.S. history. Fear of the virus has given her an excuse to send 434 of us home and essentially say, “See you when I need you.” Before Republicans objected two weeks ago, she even sought an amendment to House rules to allow for proxy voting. Under this plan, representatives wouldn’t even need to return to Washington to vote and pass legislation. They could simply hand over their voting cards to Mrs. Pelosi or one of her lieutenants.

I am not saying the House should throw caution to the winds. Common-sense steps could help with social distancing and prevent the spread of Covid-19 in Congress. But the Founders couldn’t possibly have wanted a government in which the speaker replaces the House she is supposed to lead.

Maybe we should have expected this. Mrs. Pelosi has always enjoyed holding power. When ObamaCare passed the House, she made a good show of asking committees to mark up bills. But none of those bills ever reached the floor. Instead, they were tossed aside and the real bill was rewritten behind closed doors by the speaker’s office. Mrs. Pelosi then blocked all but one Republican amendment before jamming that bill through.

After eight years in the minority, Mrs. Pelosi returned as speaker in January 2019. House Democratic arms were twisted to vote her back into the chair, with promises that things would be different, that her highhanded manner was a thing of the past. But given power again, it only got worse.

While the Senate works in Washington this week, the House will again be told to stay home and wait on the speaker to let us know when she has cut the next deal. Mrs. Pelosi has made clear that she thinks America’s elected representatives are nonessential. That’s fine with her. No doubt her job is easier when she doesn’t need to worry about us—and our constituents.

Enough is enough. It is time for the people’s representatives to have a voice in their federal government.

Mr. Byrne, a Republican, represents Alabama’s First Congressional District

 

As I’ve said, many, many times before….she needs t00000000o go!

 

 

I accidently gave my wife a glue stick instead of a chap stick.  She still isn’t talking to me.

I want it written in my will that upon my death, I’m dressed in a superman outfit and thrown from a plane.

If you want to save money this year, tell your kids that Santa didn’t make it through the pandemic. 

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

 An elderly couple was at home watching TV.

 

Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

 

Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said:

“For god’s sake Phil, Leave it on the porn channel.

 

You know how to fish!”

 

 

I just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.  Her boyfriend would have done it, but he’s out of town.

Nope, not helping the kids with this one,either.

We have a six phase plan to reopen the state.  The plan will be a phased plan that we will plan to utilize in phases.  The phases will be planned and the planning will be phased.  We will move quickly and slowly to open but remain closed.  I have created a staff of staffers who will plan the phase and planning while phasing their phases.

And that is our reopening plan.

Thank you.

And that, is how the government works.

Everyone is freaking out about the National Guard in their towns.  Relax Karen, it’s not Seal Team 6, that’s Kevin, the bartender from Applebees drinking a White Claw and driving a Humvee at 9 a.m. They aren’t coming for your 86 rolls of toilet paper.

After all the stupid things I’ve done in my life, if I die because I touched my face I’m gonna be pissed!

Boy, ain’t that the truth.

Kids already eating the emergency groceries…

…We ain’t gonna make it!!!

Okay, be honest…how many of you are already at level 3 or even level 4?

Because of the huge demand and increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces and are now Fed-UP.

The world has turned upside down.  Old folks are sneaking out of the house and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

For many years, China has denied the Tiananmen Square Protests of 1989 ever happened.  Following increased pressure to come clean, they Chinese government has finally released the following official photo of the event:

And yet another, of the many reasons, why we cannot ever trust the Chinese government.  Thanks to Aussie Peter for uncovering this photo.

You’re not being oppressed, you’re being inconvenienced.  Learn the difference.

 

Waiting on my Murder Hornet Stimulus Check.

I need to get me some of this.

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently the sign “Stroke Patients Here” meant something completely different than I assumed.

Remember: Mother’s Day is this weekend.

A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier…

“Got any two watt bulbs?”

“For what?

“That’ll do, I’ll take two.”

“Two what?”

“I thought you didn’t have any.”

“Any what?”

“Okay then!”

I wish I could drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Cincinnati, Ohio where Bozo James Skinner held up a branch of the Kenwood Savings Bank. He flashed a gun at the teller and demanded cash. She gave him what she had and he turned to leave, but suddenly the Bozo walked back up to the teller. He asked the teller, “I’m not from around here, could you tell me how to get to Interstate 71?” She gave him instructions and then watched as he left in his car, taking note of his license plate number in the process. She then called the police, who were waiting for the Bozo when he found his way to the interstate.

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Tuesday…and Tuesday means meetings.  Meetings on base.  But, since I’m a time traveler and today is actually Monday, it won’t really affect you until Wednesday when you get the time bounce the day after…wow…all this time shifting is giving me a headache. 

And speaking of Wednesday, you may or may not get a Dragon Laffs issue on Wednesday because I may be at work all day on Tuesday…which is today for you and tomorrow for me…and, oh my aching head.  Geez, I haven’t had enough coffee for this to be going on yet.  At any rate, that’s the scoop … or the cup … or whatever the heck it is this early in the morning. 

It’s Monday for me and I had a good weekend.  We didn’t end up doing much this weekend.  Barbequed out a couple of times.  Grilled some brats and some burgers, mowed the lawn, defrosted the freezer, sat out on the back deck with a big glass of Jameson, a cigar and a good book, that was a nice evening.  The weather cooperated beautifully.  It even was polite enough to wait until after midnight to rain and then quit by sunrise.  Didn’t get too hot, but it was warm enough to enjoy the out doors.  ALMOST decided to turn on the air conditioner, but decided to open the windows in the house and turn on the fans and that was just about perfect.

Anyway, enough about me and my nice weekend.  Why don’t we get to why you guys are really here, shall we?

 

So, camping may or may not be a big thing with you guys, especially right now, but here’s some funny tips sent in by Stephanie…

Warm weather brings out the urge to go camping. Here are a few tips to make your trip successful. Author is unknown. .”CAMPING TIPS”

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.  I would think that a trombone or a set of drums work equally as well.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.  Yuck.

Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.  Double Yuck.

When smoking a fish, never inhale.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.

Steer clear of parks named for landfills.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that “breathe” enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.  And with today’s COVID environment, is likely to get you looked at funny by your fellow campers.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.  Good advice.  Having a dragon with you when camping also makes a good fire starter.

You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese. 

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.  Also works for your backpack

Do you remember the movie?

I found this next VERY interesting…

Linda Gibson

April 24 at 5:17 PM ·

So as a Respiratory Therapist….I watched the clip about the “disinfectant that Trump talking about”. People need to listen closely….and before I say this, I will tell you that I am not registered to vote and I don’t vote. I am neutral.

 

He is basically brain storming for an idea to help the lungs. He stated that the disinfectant kills the virus in one minute, so he proposed the question can we inject disinfectant (not Lysol), he used the word “disinfectant” …in the lungs, but that is for the doctors to figure out.

 

Now a lay person like Trump will say disinfectant and a medical person would say “medicine”. Medicine dumped into the lungs happens all the time!

 

I personally have dumped respiratory medicine down an Endotracheal tube directly into the lungs. When babies are born prematurely, guess what? Yes we “inject” the lungs with a medicine called surfactant that helps keep the alveoli open to oxygenate the lungs.

 

Antibiotics are sometimes injected into infected parts of lungs through a chest tube.

 

So what I want the general public to know, is that we do “inject” medicine into peoples lungs, that yes, act like a disinfectant (antibiotics), so why is everyone in uproar over this?

 

If you are a lay person and don’t understand what he said then ask a medical person. His statement was so twisted around and misinterpreted, and this is coming from a Respiratory Therapist that has injected medicine in peoples lungs.

 

Lysol brand has perpetrated misinformation and panicked the general public who doesn’t know anything about lungs. And Trump never used the word “Lysol”. So why did Lysol brand think he was talking about them, that’s narcissistic on their part. Why would Lysol brand embrace that? they look ignorant.

 

So people, yes we do inject medicine into the lungs! This is why people need to know the facts and stop panicking people.

 

Thank you Linda Gibson, whoever you are.  She didn’t send this to me herself, it was forwarded to me by a fellow camper, Lynn.  So, thanks Lynn for sharing this with us.  What Linda is saying makes a lot of sense and is a good admonition for all of us (are you listening MSM?) to stop trying to find problems … or create problems…where there aren’t any.

 

 

Me in Heaven

God: You’re about to get your wings.

Me: Garlic, Parmesan, or Honey BBQ?

God: Get out.

I want to put a little bit (just a little bit) of special emphasis of this next one and not just because this is what I do for a living, teaching these guys how to wear this gear and wearing it myself, but to put things in a tiny bit of perspective…

And the masks that those guys are wearing aren’t even the new masks.  Those aren’t even the next oldest.  Those are the masks that I wore back twenty years ago when I was active duty.  They aren’t near as comfortable as the ones that we have now!  Here’s what the new gear looks like:

The mask is more comfortable (by a thousand percent!!!) the suit is lighter, doesn’t have the rubber hood and … well … lots of other things.  And you complain because you have to wear a mask when you go to the grocery store?  So, on a really bad day, what?  Two hours?  My personal record for staying in MOPP 4 without coming out to eat, go to the restroom, smoke, … you CAN drink out of the canteen… is 13 hours and 15 minutes.  My guys a couple of months ago, went out and played Frisbee dressed liked that, and then went and did a couple of exercises BEFORE climbing out of their gear.  We do it because our lives may depend on it.  We want to be very, very comfortable in this gear.  So, tell me again how hard it is to breath in that cloth mask.  Oh… and for the record, when I set my own personal best, I was not a young man, fresh out of basic training or anything like that.  I was a civilian CBRN Instructor and I was 55 years old.

Okay, I’m done.

I think he’s lucky he got the front half.

Louisiana now has a new parish.  It’s called Bayou Self.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Kennesaw, Georgia where Bozo Robert Carter stole the cellular phone out of Jennifer Brown’s car. When Jennifer went to a pay phone to call her husband Bob to tell him of the theft, her husband told her that he was talking to the Bozo phone thief at that very moment on the other line. It seems the Bozo had just started hitting buttons on the phone and hit one of the speed dial buttons for Jennifer’s home. The Bozo told Bob he was holding the phone hostage and if he ever wanted to see his phone again, he should bring $80 dollars to a nearby park. Bob went to the park with the money and with the police. They found the Bozo right where he said he would be, sitting on a park bench and playing with the phone.