Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Saturday morning and I am writing this as most of you are reading the last one.  I have the news on and I really shouldn’t.  It’s pissing me off.  They are talking about the NFL football season, which I’m not going to watch because of the whole pandering to the kneeling thing, which, as a Veteran is wrong on SO many levels and the playing of the black anthem.  I don’t have a problem with the black anthem, but there is ONE NATIONAL ANTHEM OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.  PERIOD.

And just as an aside.  If we play a black national anthem, isn’t that as racist, since we don’t play a white anthem, and a red, yellow, etc.?  And don’t tell me that The Star Spangled Banner is the white national anthem because it’s not.  It’s everyone’s national anthem because it is a song about the creation of this great country that so many of you seem so intent on tearing apart.  (Yes, I’m talking to you, Democratic National Party! and George Soros!)

Okay, let me kick that soap box back under the table before I climb up on it for the next hour or so … anyway, what was I saying … oh yeah … news on the TV and shouldn’t be … we have a thing here, not sure if it’s everywhere or not … “knozone no action day”  … the heat index and the humidity and the sun divided by the time of day times the season and the square root of the month means that you aren’t supposed to fill up your gas tank at the gas station or mow your lawn until after 7 pm unless you are a left handed vampire in which case you can … I don’t know.  There’s so many screwy rules… but yet they are also running some Indy Ultimate marathon in down-town Indianapolis with 1500 people participating in some 6 mile obstacle run (wearing masks or maintaining their 6 foot social distancing) in weather where they say you will get burnt to a crisp by the sun in fifteen minutes or less.

I’d like to raise my hand and ask a question … cause I see a little bit of a problem with this situation … sigh.

I don’t normally agree with kitties … but yup… I’m on your side kitty cat. 

Oh … and one more thing before we get started … let’s play school … spelling bee …

Moderator:  Impish your word is Hypocrite, Hypocrite …

Impish Dragon:  [Leans into the microphone] Hypocrite, that would be  … can you use it in a sentence please?

Moderator:  Certainly, A person who says one thing and does another is a hypocrite.

Impish Dragon:  Okay, thank you … um … hypocrite … yes … hypocrite …
F … A … U … C … I …  Hypocrite!

Moderator:  That is correct!

Does he not have a public relations guy that tells him, “Look, Doc, under no circumstances let anyone take your picture tonight at this game without a mask on.”  What a dumb ass.

Okay,  now at long last, it’s time to laugh.

REMEMBER THAT TIME

REPUBLICANS RIOTED

BEAT INNOCENT DEMOCRATIC VOTERS,

DESTROYED PROPERTY

AND TORCHED AMERICAN FLAGS?

ME NEITHER.

The news is so disturbing and anxiety inducing … so to relax, my husband and I are watching The Shining.

I’ve gotten quite good at ventriloquism.

Scared the shit out of my gynecologist today…

I have no problem admitting when I’m wrong.

Like that one time I got married …

Did You Know:  (You’ve been gone for a while…)  Similar to Déjà vu, which means “already seen”, the term Deja reve is French for “already dreamed” and is used to describe the sensation that you’ve experienced something before in a dream.  (I’ve actually done that quite a bit.  I have a recurring dream … you’re really not interested at all, are you?)  (Not … not really)

The media is NEVER going to tell you the truth.

And this one logically follows the last one …

1952 Dodge Pickup Truck with an old-style swamp cooler mounted on the window.

The technology of an evaporative cooler was certainly simple and reliable enough: A canister with a ram tube, some kind of pad of porous material, and a reservoir of about a gallon of water to keep the pad wet. The cool air was then routed into the interior. The drier the air, the better they worked, so they were particularly popular in the southwest and not so much in the south or southeast.

There were several main manufacturers, and Thermador was one of the biggest. Firestone sold them in their chain of stores, back in the day. These swamp coolers were first made in the 1930s and finally petered out in the late 1960s or so, although one can still buy new ones for that typical overdone look, with every available and conceivable accessory that so many restored old cars sport.” (Curbside Classic, “Cold Comfort: Firestone Thermador Car Cooler (Evaporative “Swamp Cooler”)

by Paul Niedermeyer) When I was stationed at Holloman AFB in New Mexico, and lived in base housing, the houses didn’t have air-conditioning, they had swamp coolers on the roof.  There was no thermostat or adjustments, just a single light switch like on-off switch on the wall that wasn’t even labeled.  But you know what?  That house was the most comfortable house I’ve ever lived in before or since.  They work really well and they are really cheap, but they only work in places that are really dry.  It’s just a fan blowing air across water.

Man and Cockroach talking …

Man:  “My penis is ten times longer than your whole body.”

Cockroach:  “Yet I make your wife scream louder than you do.”

“You are what you eat.”

I don’t remember eating anxiety and back pain but okay.

I’m on a light diet.  I eat by daylight, I eat by moonlight, and sometimes, I eat by refrigerator light.

Tribal Wisdom

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”
However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead
horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead horse’s performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And, of course…
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

If you love something set it on fire, if it … no wait, is that right?  Shit!  Be right back …

Just think … somewhere out there someone is thinking of you.  Trying to figure out how to make your death look like an accident.

I think the term “Shelter in Place” came from up North.  In the South we call it “Hunker Down.”

Just so we’re all on the same page.

A woman was spending a long time looking at the greeting cards, finally shaking her head “no.”

A clerk came over and asked, “May I help you?”

“I don’t know,” said the woman.  “Do you have any ‘Sorry I laughed at your dick’ cards?”

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stamford, Connecticut where nothing went right for bozo Carlos Perez who tried to rob a Staples office supply store. Our bozo hid in the store until it closed for the evening, then donned a rubber mask similar to the one worn in the movie “Scream” and, brandishing a pistol, confronted a warehouse worker. The worker called his supervisor who came over and, thinking the whole thing was a prank, simply ripped our bozo’s mask off. This so surprised the bozo that he dropped his pistol, which was promptly picked up by the supervisor who took it and ran to his office to call the cops. Meanwhile our bozo pulled out yet another gun, which the warehouse worker immediately took away from him. The bozo then decided it might be time to get out of there and made a break for the door where he was met by the police.

Now that’s a guy who should’ve never gotten out of bed.

What … the … hell …???  Never in my life …

A distraught patient phoned her doctor’s office.

Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life?

She was told that it was.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is.  This prescription is marked, ‘NO REFILLS.’”

DUE TO COVID-19

We are asking

RIOTERS

TO WORK FROM HOME
AND DESTROY THEIR
OWN PROPERTY.

DO YOU KNOW THAT AWESOME FEELING WHEN YOU GET INTO BED, FALL RIGHT ASLEEP, STAY ASLEEP ALL NIGHT, AND WAKE UP FEELING REFRESHED AND READY TO TAKE ON THE DAY?

Yeah, me neither!

A Wise Man Once Told His Son:

My boy, when you accumulate the understanding to know why a pizza is made round, to be put in a square box, and is eaten in triangles, then and only then will you be able to understand women. 

Trump could rescue a drowning child from the ocean and Democrats would accuse him of starving the sharks.

If she’ll be “riding six white horses when she comes,” she’s probably a little more woman than you can handle.

My uncle is explaining to me, a final year genetic engineering student, that preferring a boy child is not sexist because, “boys carry the most important genetic components of the family line” and “a girl’s genetic code changes when she is married off to another family.”

Masturbation is the only thing that isn’t taxed, regulated, or illegal.  That’s your “freedom”.  You’re free to go fuck yourself…

Taylor Swift has 500 songs about guys leaving her and 0 songs about blowjobs.

See where I’m going with this?

So I got pulled over in the HOV lane and when the cop asked me where my passenger was, I told him due to social distancing he was in the car behind me.

And that’s it … It’s been a strange assed weekend … truly it has.  I have a few more people to thank … I don’t think I got to that today, did I?  I’m not sure.  But it’s late, this needs to go out and I’m out of time.  So good night, until we meet again, my love to you all.

Cheers! ~ Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Saturday!  And it’s been a heck of a week!  Had a dentist appoint on Thursday afternoon.  Which for me writing this was only a little while ago.  And of course … it didn’t go anywhere near like it was planned.  Another friggin’ expense.   And now the damn fridge isn’t keeping things cold anymore either and it’s another two weeks before the new fridge is coming!!!

Come on God!  Give us a little bit of a break here!!!

Sigh!  When it rains it pours.

We need to laugh!

I got exactly this far when all hell broke loose last night … and now it’s Friday and I have less than a couple of hours to build a whole issue.

I swear if there were any cliffs around here I’d jump off!  Except dragons can fly, but it would still be fun to jump off.

I was wondering if the guys that were going to deliver the new fridge were going to have a hard time fitting the new fridge through the door, so I went on line to look at the one we ordered and saw that it was 36 inches wide … AND FREAKED THE FUCKED OUT!!!!!

Why you may ask?  Well, I may tell you.  Because I KNEW, that we had bought one that was 33 inches wide because THAT IS THE SIZE OF THE OPENING IN THE COUNTER WHERE THE NEW FRIDGE IS GOING TO GO!!!!!!!!!

I immediately got out the tape measure and ran (I don’t run very well) and RAN to the kitchen and I was right!!!! the opening is only 33 inches wide.  And I knew I had double and triple checked that when we ordered it at Lowes.

I literally screamed, like a teenaged girl.  I scared the hell out of Mrs. Dragon and I think I set Izzy Dragon’s therapy back by at least 2 years.  I won’t bore you with the infuriating phone conversation that I had with customer service (an oxymoron at best) at Lowes who tried to connect me to the appliance section 5 times before I finally got ahold of a FANTASTIC manager named Tim who fixed the whole thing.  Come to find out that we ordered the right fridge and the clerk wrote the number down for the one right beside which was the one bigger one.

But … I didn’t get done with that until almost ten pm and didn’t get done freaking out until much later.

So please … God … no more.  At least for a couple of weeks.  Preferably a couple of months and I seriously wouldn’t complain if you waited a couple of years, cause I am seriously out of money, not to mention nerves, patience and strength.

okay… onward.

Dear Child,

See ya!

I swatted a bee today.  I was kind of a buzzkill.

Did you hear about the Army Commander who planted 1500 saplings near the North Korean border?  Yeah, he felt the key to security in the region was more infant-tree on the ground.

Ouch!

You had one job?

A horse walks into a bar.  The bartender says, “Hey, you’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?”

The horse ponders for a minute then responds, “ I don’t think I am.” And poof, he disappears.

This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they’re familiar with Descartes’ famous postulate, “I think, therefore I am.”

But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Oh my dear gawd!

A woman walks into the ER and sits down in chairs.  After a moment of silence, she shouts, “Shouldn’t!”  A minute passes.  “Can’t!  Wouldn’t!”  Another minute.  “Oughtn’t! Could’ve!  Won’t!”  A doctor hears her shouts and dashes over to her.  “Somebody call the maternity ward!  This woman’s having contractions!”

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. ‘Just Released – New LP -Wasps of Europe & the sounds that they make – available now!’
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
‘I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I’d very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window.’
‘Certainly, Sir,’ says the young man behind the counter. ‘If you’d like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I’ll put the LP on for you.’
The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, ‘I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those.’
‘I’m sorry Sir’, says the young assistant. ‘If you’d care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes.’
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. ‘I don’t understand it’, he says, ‘I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can’t recognize any of those!’
‘I’m terribly sorry, Sir’ says the young man, ‘perhaps if you’d like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes.’
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.
‘I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognized none of the wasps on this LP.’
‘I really am terribly sorry’, says the young assistant,
‘I’ve just realized I was playing you the bee side.’

 

Before you try to hurt my feelings…

Please keep in mind that I don’t have any and you probably do.

If you go to the store without a mask to purposely trigger Maskers, does that make you a Masker Baiter?  Asking for a friend.

Today I decided to cause trouble!

I went to a restaurant and after seeing every table being occupied by couples, I took out my phone and made a very loud phone call saying, “Yes Girlfriend, your man is here with another woman!  Just come and see!”

Eight men got up and left …

A woman cut in front of me at the store with a box of tampons, ice cream, and wine in her cart.

I wasn’t about to mess with that situation.

Your STD results are in, you may want to sit down … just not on my couch.

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got distracted on my way back, have no idea what’s going on and now I have to pee.

Oh my God!  Weren’t those fucking depressing!

The gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian.

Oh don’t say that!!!!!

Costume Party …

Host:  What are you?

Me:  A harp.

Host:  Your costume’s too small to be a harp

Me:  Are you calling me a lyre?

Thank you again to all the wonderful people who have donated and contributed this year.  You are the best.  There is still time to send your dimes and nickels in to help pay the bills this year.  I know it’s a tough year for a lot of folks and I don’t want anyone to do anymore than they can … that’s for sure.  Any little bit helps, though and you will be thanked equally for a little or a lot.  Because I know each and everyone of you have done what you can and I appreciate that more than words can EVER express.  The donation button is in the upper right hand corner of the blog … that goes to PayPal, or, as several of you have already found out, if you don’t want to use your credit card or just want to use snail mail, or just want to find out where I live (if I start getting junk mail or bomb threats, I know who you are who asked for my address, dammit!) all you have to do is send me an email and I will gladly send you my real address – I obviously won’t put it on here – but my email is impishdragon@gmail.com

Now … here’s our special bunch for so far this year:

William E.     Donald G.#1     Donald G.#1     Chuck G.     Ronald W.     Theodore K.     Mark M.     Donald G.#1     Michael C.      Steven H.      Joseph P.      Henry S.      Leah H.      Scott H.      Donald G.#2      William E.     Dan T.     Philip S.

Oh dear … am I gonna get hate mail over that one …

When I worked in the post office, a lady barged in

and started complaining that she’d got home

to find a note from the postman –

he’d tried to deliver a package but nobody was in.

“My husband was home all day!” she fumed.

After I gave her the package, she said,

“Oh, I’m so excited – it’s my husband’s new hearing aid!”

I think about you all the time …

Well, not all the time;  mostly just when I’m using my woodchipper.

My question is … How in the fuck …

If you line up your Ex-Lovers in a row, you can see the flow chart of your mental illness.

Um … No Shit FAIL!

What a crappy-assed school!!

I gotta stop saying “How stupid can you be?”  I’m beginning to feel like people are taking it as a challenge.

Imagine if they took the Statue of Liberty down and found loads of skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a Trojan Horse mission.

If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be UNSTOPPABLE!

I’m either going out for ice cream or to commit a felony … I’ll decide in the car.

Help!  My wife got wine drunk and tried to set our marriage certificate on fire saying, “Good luck trying to return me without the receipt.”

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary?  Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

Why are there never any good side effects?  Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle and see, “May cause extreme sexiness.” or  “Can cause devastating handsomeness.”

And that’s it folks.  Time for this dragon to call it a night!  I need my beauty rest.  Otherwise, God alone knows how ugly I’d be!

Until next we meet again.  Love and happiness to you and yours.

Cheers!

Good Morning Campers,

If we are holding to schedule than today is Thursday and all is well with the world.  I went to Indianapolis on Monday to take Izzy Dragon to see a specialist, I played darts on Tuesday for week one of this season’s playoffs and many, many meetings at work, Wednesday where … well … I’m not sure … but see, none of this has happened yet, even though you are reading this on Thursday, I am writing this on Sunday night, just getting the next issue started and set up and ready to go.  Mostly because it’s too early to go to bed, Mrs. Dragon isn’t feeling well and has gone to bed, and I’m bored.

So, I’ll add to this as the days go on, and I’ll fill in the details of the stuff that I mentioned above, but let’s put some laughter in right now, while I wait for things to progress for the week.

A special note to Aussie Peter … These claim to be Aussie sayings no claim to their authenticity is made by this dragon, but they are funny.  Thanks to Stephanie for sending them in.  There sure is a lot of them.

Aussie sayings
In case ‘ya ever yerself ‘down-under’………..
I’m Hungry
“I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper’s undies.”
“I could eat the horse and chase the jockey.”
“So hungry I’d eat a shit sandwich, only I don’t like bread.”
“I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair.”
“So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck.”
I’m thirsty:
“I’m dry as a dead dingo’s donger.”
“I’m drier than a nuns nasty.”
“I’m dry as a f**k with no foreplay.”
“I’m as dry as a pommie’s bath mat.”
“I’m as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards.”
“I’m drier than an Arab’s fart.”
I need to go for a pee:
“Gonna drain me dragon.”  Hey wait a damn minute!
“My back teeth are floating.”
“Need to syphon the python.”
“Takin’ the kids to the pool.”  That’s wrong
“I got to take a snakes hiss.”
“Gotta go have a slash.”
“Gonna go water a horse.”
“I’m off to drain the main vein.”
“Time to splatter the bladder.”
“I’m dying for a piss ! so bad I can taste it.”
“Shake hands with the wife’s best friend.”
I need to do a poo:
“I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi.”
“I’m takin’ a stroll to the gravy bowl.”
“It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly.”
“Off to the bog to leave an offering.”
“Time to snap off a grogan.”
“Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave.”
“I’m gonna strangle a brownie.”
“There’s a brown dog barking at the back door.”
“I’m going to give birth to your twin.”
“Need to choke a brown dog.”
“Going for a Rodney.”
“Taking out the garbage.”
“I gotta back one out.”
“Release the Chocolate hostage”
“i gotta lay some cables for telstra”
Vomit:
“Calling for George.”
“I was driving the porcelain bus this morning.”
“I left him a lawn pizza.”
“Toss a tiger on the carpet.”
“Gotta go Ralph”
Insults:
“I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders.”
“Not enough brains to give ‘imself a headache!”
“About as useful as tits on a bull.”
“You must be the world’s only living brain donor.”
“He’s a few wanks short of an orgasm.”
“She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard.”
“He had a head on him like a sucked mango.”
“May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down.”
“He’s got a few roos loose in the top paddock.”
“So stupid that he wouldn’t know a tram was up him ’til the bell rang!”
“Couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery.”
“Pull your lip over your head and swallow!”
“As ugly as a hat full of arseholes.”
“If I had a dog that looked like him, I’d shave it’s arse and make it walk backwards.”
“Got a face like a bashed in shit can.”
“Couldn’t tell his ass from a hole in the ground.”
“Couldn’t drive a greasy stick up a dog’s arse.”
“Couldn’t organise a fuck in a brothel with a fist full of fifties.”
“About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition.”
“I’ll kick your! bum till your nose bleeds!”
“A stubbie short of a six pack.”
“Seen better heads in a piss trough.”
“You’re as handy as shit on a stick.”
“Tighter than a fish’s arse.”
“So tight that he wouldn’t shout if a shark bit him.”
“Face like a smashed crab.”
“As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp.”
“He could talk a dog off a meatwagon.”
“Fucked in the head.”
“You’ve got a head like a half-eaten pastie.”
“He wouldn’t go two rounds with a revolving door.”
“Mate, she’s as rough as a pigs breakfast.”
“Your face is like a twisted ugg boot.”
“He’s got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle.”
“She’s been hit with the ugly stick too many times.”
“She’s two pick handles wide.”
“An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag.”
“As ugly as a bag of spanners.”
“You’ve got a head like a dropped pie.”
“He thinks his shit don’t stink, but his farts give him away.”
“I wish his dad had settled for a blow job.”
“Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on  the way down.”
“Your the load your mother should have swallowed”
“If I had a head like yours I’d circumcise it.”
“Wouldn’t know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck chairs.”
“As thick as two short planks!”
“you got a head like a busted watermelon”
Compliments:
“Ya bloods worth bottling!”
“He’s True Blue.”

Whew!  Glad that’s over with.

Me:  Can I have a pizza with live and onions please.

Dominos:  We don’t do liver

Me:  [hand over phone whispering to wife] I thought you said they do the liver?

Wife:  I said they do deliver

Me:  Not according to this guy.

Bitches be trippin’ … okay, maybe I pushed one.

I just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens …

That’s 12 months of training completely wasted!!!

Three girls are walking through the desert, a blonde, a red head, and a brunette and they come across a genie.

They ask the genie if they can have something to drink.

The genie tells them to go down the slide and yell what drink they want and they will land in a pool of it.

The red head goes down and yells, “soda!!”, so she lands in a pool of soda.

The brunette goes down and yells, “lemonade!!”, so she lands in a pool of lemonade.

The blonde goes down and yells, “weeeee!!!!”

Stephanie sent this to me … not really sure how she got this story and I’m not sure I want to know, but here it is …

Be Careful When You Masturbate!
Let’s just say, *hypothetically,* that I decided to flog my dolphin last night just before retiring for the evening.
And let’s just say that when I went to pee in the morning, some dried manchowder might have dried up around the opening to my prick, blocking the flow of urine.
And let’s just say that that blockage, might have caused urine to back up inside my rod for a second or two, creating an unusually fierce spray of piss pressure once said blockage was busted.
And let’s just say that this high velocity piss-stream shot off at a 45-degree angle to the left because of said blockage.
Let’s just imagine that this 45-degree angle cause me to hit the ear of the cat who was perched not too far away, causing said cat to FLIP OUT, screech, and perform a 4-legged leap with a half-twist and quarter roll (difficulty of 6.8).
Let’s just say there may have been an empty glass resting on the back of the toilet, which may or may not have been tossed off the back of the toilet by said cat in the aforementioned jump.
That glass, we might say, falls really close to my foot, lodging a small shard of glass into my left foot.
This lodging of said glass shard may have caused me to immediately grab said left foot, creating a situation of hopping on one leg (while still relieving myself, mind you) on a tile surface which is becoming increasingly wetter by the second.
Let’s just say that it only takes a few hops on one foot on a slippery surface to end a physical event of such fashion.
AND LET’S JUST SAY that once my foot was taken out from underneath me, that I crashed into the shower door, knocking it off it’s tracks and causing me to fall in the shower and somehow ending in a back down, face up position, legs elevated, with blood running down my leg, pee streaming down my body to my neck, and a new head-welt with massive headache to boot.
Let this be a lesson to you, next time you feel like rubbing your pole.

And another amusing story from Stephanie … this is becoming a thing.

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’.  .  .perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again.  “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh I was thinkin…….perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again.  “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh I was thinkin…perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand oon your laig.”
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he blushed and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again.  “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
The young man knit his brow.  “Wahl, nouh,” he said, “My thoughts war a bit moor ser’ous this time.”
“Really?” said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
“Aye,” said the lad.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.  “An’ wha’ wus tha’?” she asked.
“Din’na ye think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?” he asked.

My town’s mayor sent out a robocall the week before Thanksgiving to let us know that “Thanksgiving falls on a Thursday this year.”

I worked at a BBQ restaurant in Texas, and everyday I was asked at least twice about the difference between pulled pork and chopped beef.  When I knew I was gearing up to quit, I started to get mouthy and would respond, “One went ‘moo’ and the other went ‘oink’”

A woman told me our chicken is good, but she prefers it bloody.  She straight up said, “I like to hear my chicken moo.”  I didn’t say anything because I was speechless.

So, it’s all the way around to Wednesday before I got a chance to come back to this.  Monday’s appointment with Izzy was crazy long.  We got there, after an hour and a half drive at 8:30 in the morning and didn’t leave until 5 in the evening.  It was all day testing.  I won’t go into what she is being tested for … because she has asked me not to talk about it and because I don’t want to throw oil on a smoldering fire.  The way our past couple of weeks have been going, I’ll let sleeping dogs lie for the time being.

Then yesterday, Tuesday, as I was getting ready to leave work, we went into a tornado warning situation, severe thunderstorm … well … as the Emergency Manager, I couldn’t really leave at that point in time, I kinda had to hang around and see how everything played out … you know … just in case.  By the time I got home, it was time to get ready to go to darts.  We won, by the way, so we moved up into the playoffs, which means we are playing for at least fourth place next week.  But that didn’t leave ANY time yesterday to work on this.

And that catches us up to today, which means I need to finish this issue today if I’m going to keep to my schedule of having this published tomorrow for you guys to be reading this on Thursday … which you obviously are, so I must have … or you aren’t and I didn’t.

Hmmm … how does that work out for you who are now reading this … I guess it depends on what day you are reading it.  Unless you aren’t reading it on the day that I published it … in which case, why did you WAIT to read this wonderful bunch of sunny happiness?

Anyway, let’s get back to that sunny happiness, shall we?

Answers men would like to give to woman’s stupid questions, but never will

1.  No, we can’t be friends;  I just want you for sex.

2.  The dress doesn’t make you look fat, it’s all that fucking ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3.  You’ve got no chance of me calling you.

4.  No, I won’t be gentle.

5.  Of course you have to swallow.

6.  Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7.  I hate your friends.

8.  I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

9.  I’d rather watch a porno.

And not every man would rather give those answers to a woman … well … maybe some of them.

Why are things typed up, but written down?

We had cured ham for Christmas dinner.  We all wondered what illness it was cured of.

Why do people say they “worked like a dog”?  Our dog just sits around all day.

How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out that the wheels on luggage would be a good idea?

I’m a light eater.  As soon as it’s light, I start to eat.

Why are you “in” a movie, but you’re “on” TV?

How come you never see Cupid with a girlfriend?

Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?

I’m going to try the Atkins Diet in 2021, because my end no longer justifies the jeans.

Okay, it’s time to say thank you again… and to give a nudge for you all to donate some money to my worthy cause.  It’s time for me to pay my bills for the year, so I have to ask you guys to help me out.  Every little bit helps.  It really does.  If everyone donates just a little bit, then the bills get paid and I don’t have to throw ads in here … which I will never do.  I will stop publishing this ezine before I will put ads in here because personally, I HATE that.  Anyway, the place where you donate is in the upper right hand column and looks like the picture to the left.  It goes through PayPal and you don’t have to have a PayPal account.  You just need a credit card or a debit card.  If you don’t want to do that, you can write to me at impishdragon@gmail.com and I will give you my snail mail, regular old street address and you can send me something in the mail.  For obvious reasons I won’t print that here.  Or if you don’t want to do any of those things, you can just wish me well the next time you are doing your wishing well thing and I will appreciate that as well.

Anyway …. thanks to the following very special people who have donated so far from the beginning of this year!!!!!  You are all great!!!!

William E.     Donald G.#1     Donald G.#1     Chuck G.     Ronald W.     Theodore K.     Mark M.     Donald G.#1     Michael C.      Steven H.      Joseph P.      Henry S.      Leah H.      Scott H.      Donald G.#2      William E.     Dan T.

I can’t really say thank you enough.  You guys are just awesome.  As you can see, and which I feel like I must point out, some of you have been multiple donators throughout the year.  I am so blessed by you guys.  Thank you so much for your support.  And I can’t wait to add more names to the list!

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Anything worth fighting for, is worth fighting dirty for.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

Not one single shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a “do it yourself” thing.

You better make sure there are no firearms around.

It doesn’t matter how old you are, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

 

Me:  [Donating my body to science]

Science:  [Donates my body to Goodwill]

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn’t familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
13 I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week. (your life!)
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It’ll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand…
23. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory Some just don’t have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37 Just remember – if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Q:  Why do sharks live in salt water?

A:  Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

Dammit!  I friggin’ knew it!!!!  And with that depressing thought, I will end it here today so that I will be able to allow you guys to read this on time.

Love and happiness to you all.  May you laugh your way through your day.  Until we meet again.  Cheers!

Good Morning Campers,

If I had to guess, I would guess that you would get this issue on Monday.  I think that I will be able to publish on the following schedule … Saturday (because that is my usual day to publish and I am using that as my base point),  Monday (because that is two days after Saturday), Thursday (because that is two days after Monday if you skip Tuesday because that is darts nights and there really isn’t anything else that can go on that night because it’s pretty busy that night) and that brings us back around to Saturday again.  Does that sound fair to everyone?  Now, that’s with me working my regular work schedule.  If I have to go out of town, like I might have to do the first week of August, that might change things.  It might make it easier to publish, it might make it harder, I won’t really know until I get there.

They have asked me and a couple of other guys to drive out to Andrews AFB to help them build an exercise.  Usually a 9 to 5 kind of thing and depending on what kind of night life they have there, I may have plenty of time to write to you guys.  We’ll have to see.

If nothing else, I got the app on my phone so that I can send you guys some updates and some pictures from my trip.

ANYWAY … enough of that crap…let’s get to the fun stuff!!!!

I always like, “Oh, did you ever do Porn?”

Okay, we’ll do some beer quotes for the next little bit …

How do you know a man is thinking about his future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

And there she is …

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.

Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent to losing a balloon.

24 hours in a day …

24 beers in a case …

Coincidence?

Life / Beer

are very similar …

CHILL

for best results.

Beergasm:  The climatic moment when you take that first sip of BEER at the end of the day.

I tried to be good …

But then the bonfire was lit and there was beer.

Therapy might help.  But so does sitting around a bonfire with a beer and the people you love.

When I was little I learned what schizophrenia was from TV and for a while I wa really afraid because I thought I had it since I always heard my own voice in my head so finally I told a doctor and he informed me that what I was experiencing was called thinking.

And obviously run-on sentences.

Yup, that’s how it’s done.  I’ve got friends like this … if you’re lucky, you do, too.

Burglar’s relative says: “He could have used a warning shot first…”

From WTTC News in Dallas, we get this heartwarming tale of a long-time criminal 33year old Deyfon Pipkin, who tried to climb in a window of a Texas home.

 

The elderly owner occupant saw him and fired one shot, ending Deyfon’s criminal career.

As the police do, they came by to investigate, gathered the corpse, then went to notify Deyfon’s family of his unfortunate demise. It seems that the family was very upset, because they showed up at the scene.
 
“He could have used a warning,” Lakesha Thompson, Pipkins’ sister-in-law, complained. “He could have let him know that he did have a gun on his property, and he would use it in self-defense.  How’s he gonna make a honest living for his family if some old dude who don’t need the money caps his ass first without a warning shot?”

COMMENTS FROM THE SIDELINE:

“That’s certainly true, Lakesha. He could also have invited him in and given him a beer, then helped him cart the TV out to the curb”.
 
“Unfortunately for Deyfon, Texas is a Castle Doctrine state, and the homeowner chose to shoot Deyfon, as is right and proper to do in Texas.
 
“For that matter, Lakesha, you could have warned Deyfon. Why didn’t YOU tell him: “Deyfon, yo’ needs to quit breakin’ into those peoples’ houses and stealin they shit.  Someone is goins to pop a cap in yo’ ass'”
 
“In light of the steadily increasing cost of ammunition, coupled with the rising scarcity of ammunition, a warning shot is a frivolous and unnecessary expense.”
 
“And, in this case a substantial savings of taxpayer money was a side result… no investigation expense, no jail time awaiting trial, no expense of a trial, and no prison costs after sentencing.

As a taxpayer … maybe not a Texas taxpayer, but a taxpayer none-the-less, I appreciate the savings.  And folks … I just pass the stories on, you can’t make this shit up.

Doctor said if I have the vasectomy, I wouldn’t have any kids … I had the operation, got home … they’re still fucking here …

The following is not a political ad …

Just an excuse to post boobs.

Exactly what we deserve at this point.

Got this special email from Tom J.

Greetings to you Impish and Mrs. Dragon also. I know I’m late, but I still want to say “Happy Anniversary to you both!” It’s hard to capture dragons in love on film but I have a special camera and was able to get this;

I celebrated with my special girl in June when we had our 42nd year of marriage. And you sure are right about the “best friend” because there could never be a better one!

I wish you another happy 25 years as you move towards the golden one.

Thanks for all the laughs and other things you bring us. You are the best.

Tom

Thank you ever so much for that Tom.  That’s very special and much appreciated by Mrs. Dragon and I.

Coincidentally, I received an email from Joe L in Beesley’s Point, NJ who is also celebrating 42, but his and Mrs. Joe are in November.  Lots of 42’s this year!  Congrats to you all!

It’s that time of the year again … well, it isn’t really, but we are doing it a little early this year due to popular demand … to pay the bills and we are looking for donations.  Every little bit helps.  Look for this link:

It resides in the upper right hand column.  And your donation helps to keep this little endeavor of mine going and keeps it ad free.  I’ve resisted for many, many years putting ads in here because I hate ads when I go to websites.  I truly do and I resolved that if I ever got to that point that I would quit doing it.  With your help over the years I haven’t had to do it and so far it’s worked out fairly well.  Here are the people we’ve got to thank so far this year:

Chuck G.     Donald G.     Ronald W.     Theodore K.     Mark M.     Michael C.     Steven H.     Joseph P.    Henry S.    Leah H.    Scott H.     William E.

What you have done is so generous, thank you so very much … and for those of you who are going to donate, thank you, also.  And for those of you who wish to, but can’t, thank you too.  No worries.  I understand and don’t wish anyone to do more than they can.

Now, let’s get back to the good stuff, shall we?  Yes, I think we shall …

How am I supposed to trust you, when you keep running away every time I untie you?

PUBS:  The official sunblock of Ireland

Never laugh at your wife’s choices … you are one of them.

I’m so busy I don’t whether I found a rope or lost a horse.

I’m more confused than a chameleon in a bag of skittles.

My heart says chocolate and wine but my jeans say, for the love of God woman, eat a salad!

No, I don’t need Anger Management, you need to stop PISSING me off!

A little gray hair is a small price to pay for all this wisdom!

Some days the supply of curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.

Lynn sent me this link to a YouTube video that I believe is well worth watching.  Whether you believe or not, it will give you information you didn’t have before:

YouTube already trying to censor this video.

Watch before that happens and they take it down.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/-fhGV1LxeKQ

I imagine this is a favorite place for couples to have pictures taken.

And with that lovely picture fresh in your brain, we are going to end this issue right here and call it a day.

Love and Happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Saturday.  The weekend, and I can’t believe how fast this week has gone by!  It’s friggin’ amazing!  Took the week off to be with my lovely wife, even if we didn’t really do anything and the time has just flew past.  Just being able to spend time with her is enough. 

What am I saying?  We didn’t do anything!  We bought a new Range and a new fridge, repaired a bunch of stuff around the house and just had a LOVELY 25th wedding anniversary!  So, I suppose it’s all relevant. 

But, it has been fun.  Of course, it’s been fun.  We’ve actually had several of the people that have waited on us tell us what a “fun” couple we are.  Which is nice to hear.  If only they knew the real truth.  I need a meme or a gif for “evil laughter” or maybe “maniacal laughter”… there’s always this one from Princess Bride.  Truly a classic.  But, it just doesn’t fit right in with what I’m trying to put across.  I’ll have to keep looking.  Maybe the Brain from Pinky and the Brain.  Except he never laughs, he just wants to take over the world.  Best evil laugh ever though has to be Ted Danson  from The Good Place.  If you haven’t seen the show, it’s worth watching for his laughter alone.  Overall, it was a pretty good show.  I’d give it 4 out of 5 fireballs.

Anyway, I think it’s time to get on to more important things … like laughter and forgetting that the world is a strange and unusual place right now and that we have to wear a mask to go to the grocery store and that George fucking Soros is trying to take over the world. 

So onward t’ward the laughter then …

‘Tis this way …

Okay, so not a funny picture … but certainly an awesome one!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Plantation, Florida where bozo Alfred Flemming walked into the World Savings Bank and demanded money. When the teller told him she had nothing to put the cash in, our bozo reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out an envelope and handed it to her. Unfortunately, in his haste, our bozo didn’t notice that when he pulled out the envelope, a business card and a blank check fell out also. He didn’t bother to pick them up but the cops did and were waiting for him when he arrived home.

Yup, you’re a right friggin’ idiot.

Okay, this next one is all me …

The previous has been an Impish Dragon creation. LOL!

The ONLY thing I dig about wearing a mask is it covering my double chin … I can see why you men like beards …

That is really gross!

Waiter:  “How do you like your steak, sir?”

Sir:  “Like winning an argument with my wife.”

Waiter:  “Rare it is!”

More than 300 men and women have died in the line of duty in Philadelphia since 1828.

I’ve opened a can of worms.

They just sit there, the worms.

Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

I have a “WTF is wrong with people” moment at least four times a day.

Let’s do the mail …

Lona

Happy Anniversary …25 more HAPPY YEAR

Thanks Lona!  Much appreciated.

I got an email from Dave that’s really to Leah D.  It goes like this…

Leah D.

I wanted to send you a gift of silver to celebrate a quarter year of marriage . . .

 

Shouldn’t this be quarter century?  Do you really want to start over?

Dave

Ouch!  Although … starting over does have its advantages … especially if I have the knowledge that I have now … nah, I got these scars and wrinkles, I think I’ll keep them.  Thanks Dave!

It’s a good point to make my reminder and my plea for funds.  I gotta pay the bills and I’m asking for your help.  This is coming a little early this year, (usually it’s in August) but you guys have asked for it early to help out with my Range and Fridge, which I appreciate, so this is me doing that.  The donation button looks like what I copied here on the left.  It is located on the top right column of the web page and goes through PayPal.  If you’d like to donate in some other manner, you can write to me at impishdragon@gmail.com and I will send you my snail mail address.  For obvious reasons I don’t wish to publish that here.  Every little bit helps. 

I would like to humbly thank the following for their very generous donations:

Mark M.     Donald G.     Michael C.     Joseph P.

Now … back to the show!

This next one is by Grace Mary Fein … I don’t know Grace, but she wrote a great essay and I hope she doesn’t mind me reprinting it here.

A nation that has lost its collective mind!

 

Let’s see if I got this right.

 

� If a dude pretends to be a woman, you are required to pretend with him.

 

� Somehow it’s Un-American for the census to count how many Americans are in America.

 

� Russians influencing our elections are bad, but illegal Mexicans voting in our elections are good.

 

� It was cool for Joe Biden to “blackmail” the President of Ukraine, but it’s an impeachable offense if the President inquires about it.

 

� Twenty is too young to drink a beer, but eighteen is old enough to vote.

 

� People who have never owned slaves should pay slavery reparations to people who have never been slaves. This after 250,000 white union soldiers died to free the slaves and the subsequent freed slaves had already been given 40 acres and a mule to stimulate their life of freedom.

 

� Inflammatory rhetoric is outrageous, but harassing conservative people in restaurants is virtuous.

 

� People who have never been to college should pay the debts of college students who took out huge loans for useless degrees.

 

� Immigrants with tuberculosis and polio are welcome, but you’d better be able to prove your dog is vaccinated.

 

� Irish doctors and German engineers who want to immigrate must go through a rigorous vetting process, but any illiterate Central-American gang-banger who jumps the southern fence is welcome.

 

� $5 billion for border security is too expensive, but $1.5 trillion for ‘free’ health care is not.

 

� If you cheat to get into college you go to prison, but if you cheat to get into the country you go to college for free.

 

� People who say there is no such thing as gender are demanding a female President.

 

� We see other countries going Socialist and collapsing, and it seems like a great plan to us.

 

� Some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, and other people are not held responsible for what they are doing right now.

 

� Criminals are catch-and-released to hurt more people, but stopping them is bad because it’s a violation of THEIR rights.

 

� Prisoners in prison should be released into the community to avoid Coronavirus, but citizens who want to go to work or patronize a business in the community should be jailed.

 

� And pointing out all this hypocrisy somehow makes us “racists”?!

 

Think that about covers it!!!

 

—

Grace Mary Fein

 

And we are expected to accept that all of this makes perfect sense.  As a dragon I’ve got a big mouth and gullet, but even I can’t swallow this load of bullshit.

 

 

Four out of five voices in my head think you’re an idiot.  The other one is deciding where to bury you.

Yes this pisses me off!

Deleting your Facebook is like running away from home.

You’re just doing it for attention and you’ll be back in an hour.

Sorry kids!  Times are hard!  For Halloween, I’m giving out ketchup and taco sauce packets!  Would you like hot or mild?

I went out to this restaurant not long ago and met the waitress of my dreams.
About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, “Ma’am, this potato is bad.”
She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it. Then she put it back on my plate and said, “Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know.”

My shrink just killed himself and blamed me in the note.

When a cop asks you, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”  It is never a good idea to respond, “Because my tires look like donuts?”

I don’t let my age define me, but the side effects are getting harder to ignore.

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices.

He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.

Let us end today’s ezine with a non-quote from Thomas Jefferson, “Beer, if drunk in moderation, softens the temper, cheers the spirit, and promotes health.”  This has often been quoted as Thomas Jefferson and occasionally Benjamin Franklin.  Actually, neither gentleman can be found to have actually said those words.  Kinda like Captain Kirk never actually said, “Beam me up, Scotty.”  But it’s a nice attribution and a great thought.  And a wonderful adage to end today’s issue with.

Thank you all for your wonderful comments and your donations.  May they both continue aplenty to pay the bills and stroke my enormous ego.

Love to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon