Good Morning Campers,
It’s Saturday! And it’s been a heck of a week! Had a dentist appoint on Thursday afternoon. Which for me writing this was only a little while ago. And of course … it didn’t go anywhere near like it was planned. Another friggin’ expense. And now the damn fridge isn’t keeping things cold anymore either and it’s another two weeks before the new fridge is coming!!!
Come on God! Give us a little bit of a break here!!!
Sigh! When it rains it pours.
We need to laugh!
I got exactly this far when all hell broke loose last night … and now it’s Friday and I have less than a couple of hours to build a whole issue.
I swear if there were any cliffs around here I’d jump off! Except dragons can fly, but it would still be fun to jump off.
I was wondering if the guys that were going to deliver the new fridge were going to have a hard time fitting the new fridge through the door, so I went on line to look at the one we ordered and saw that it was 36 inches wide … AND FREAKED THE FUCKED OUT!!!!!
Why you may ask? Well, I may tell you. Because I KNEW, that we had bought one that was 33 inches wide because THAT IS THE SIZE OF THE OPENING IN THE COUNTER WHERE THE NEW FRIDGE IS GOING TO GO!!!!!!!!!
I immediately got out the tape measure and ran (I don’t run very well) and RAN to the kitchen and I was right!!!! the opening is only 33 inches wide. And I knew I had double and triple checked that when we ordered it at Lowes.
I literally screamed, like a teenaged girl. I scared the hell out of Mrs. Dragon and I think I set Izzy Dragon’s therapy back by at least 2 years. I won’t bore you with the infuriating phone conversation that I had with customer service (an oxymoron at best) at Lowes who tried to connect me to the appliance section 5 times before I finally got ahold of a FANTASTIC manager named Tim who fixed the whole thing. Come to find out that we ordered the right fridge and the clerk wrote the number down for the one right beside which was the one bigger one.
But … I didn’t get done with that until almost ten pm and didn’t get done freaking out until much later.
So please … God … no more. At least for a couple of weeks. Preferably a couple of months and I seriously wouldn’t complain if you waited a couple of years, cause I am seriously out of money, not to mention nerves, patience and strength.
I swatted a bee today. I was kind of a buzzkill.
Did you hear about the Army Commander who planted 1500 saplings near the North Korean border? Yeah, he felt the key to security in the region was more infant-tree on the ground.
You had one job?
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, you’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?”
The horse ponders for a minute then responds, “ I don’t think I am.” And poof, he disappears.
This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they’re familiar with Descartes’ famous postulate, “I think, therefore I am.”
But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Oh my dear gawd!
A woman walks into the ER and sits down in chairs. After a moment of silence, she shouts, “Shouldn’t!” A minute passes. “Can’t! Wouldn’t!” Another minute. “Oughtn’t! Could’ve! Won’t!” A doctor hears her shouts and dashes over to her. “Somebody call the maternity ward! This woman’s having contractions!”
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. ‘Just Released – New LP -Wasps of Europe & the sounds that they make – available now!’
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
‘I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I’d very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window.’
‘Certainly, Sir,’ says the young man behind the counter. ‘If you’d like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I’ll put the LP on for you.’
The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, ‘I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those.’
‘I’m sorry Sir’, says the young assistant. ‘If you’d care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes.’
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. ‘I don’t understand it’, he says, ‘I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can’t recognize any of those!’
‘I’m terribly sorry, Sir’ says the young man, ‘perhaps if you’d like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes.’
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.
‘I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognized none of the wasps on this LP.’
‘I really am terribly sorry’, says the young assistant,
‘I’ve just realized I was playing you the bee side.’
Before you try to hurt my feelings…
Please keep in mind that I don’t have any and you probably do.
If you go to the store without a mask to purposely trigger Maskers, does that make you a Masker Baiter? Asking for a friend.
Today I decided to cause trouble!
I went to a restaurant and after seeing every table being occupied by couples, I took out my phone and made a very loud phone call saying, “Yes Girlfriend, your man is here with another woman! Just come and see!”
Eight men got up and left …
A woman cut in front of me at the store with a box of tampons, ice cream, and wine in her cart.
I wasn’t about to mess with that situation.
Your STD results are in, you may want to sit down … just not on my couch.
I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got distracted on my way back, have no idea what’s going on and now I have to pee.
Oh my God! Weren’t those fucking depressing!
The gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian.
Oh don’t say that!!!!!
Costume Party …
Host: What are you?
Me: A harp.
Host: Your costume’s too small to be a harp
Me: Are you calling me a lyre?
Thank you again to all the wonderful people who have donated and contributed this year. You are the best. There is still time to send your dimes and nickels in to help pay the bills this year. I know it’s a tough year for a lot of folks and I don’t want anyone to do anymore than they can … that’s for sure. Any little bit helps, though and you will be thanked equally for a little or a lot. Because I know each and everyone of you have done what you can and I appreciate that more than words can EVER express. The donation button is in the upper right hand corner of the blog … that goes to PayPal, or, as several of you have already found out, if you don’t want to use your credit card or just want to use snail mail, or just want to find out where I live (if I start getting junk mail or bomb threats, I know who you are who asked for my address, dammit!) all you have to do is send me an email and I will gladly send you my real address – I obviously won’t put it on here – but my email is firstname.lastname@example.org
Now … here’s our special bunch for so far this year:
Oh dear … am I gonna get hate mail over that one …
When I worked in the post office, a lady barged in
and started complaining that she’d got home
to find a note from the postman –
he’d tried to deliver a package but nobody was in.
“My husband was home all day!” she fumed.
After I gave her the package, she said,
“Oh, I’m so excited – it’s my husband’s new hearing aid!”
I think about you all the time …
Well, not all the time; mostly just when I’m using my woodchipper.
My question is … How in the fuck …
If you line up your Ex-Lovers in a row, you can see the flow chart of your mental illness.
Um … No Shit FAIL!
What a crappy-assed school!!
I gotta stop saying “How stupid can you be?” I’m beginning to feel like people are taking it as a challenge.
Imagine if they took the Statue of Liberty down and found loads of skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a Trojan Horse mission.
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be UNSTOPPABLE!
I’m either going out for ice cream or to commit a felony … I’ll decide in the car.
Help! My wife got wine drunk and tried to set our marriage certificate on fire saying, “Good luck trying to return me without the receipt.”
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary? Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle and see, “May cause extreme sexiness.” or “Can cause devastating handsomeness.”
And that’s it folks. Time for this dragon to call it a night! I need my beauty rest. Otherwise, God alone knows how ugly I’d be!
Until next we meet again. Love and happiness to you and yours.