Dragon Laffs #1780


Header1780

good morning 3

Good Morning Campers,

If we are holding to schedule than today is Thursday and all is well with the world.  I went to Indianapolis on Monday to take Izzy Dragon to see a specialist, I played darts on Tuesday for week one of this season’s playoffs and many, many meetings at work, Wednesday where … well … I’m not sure … but see, none of this has happened yet, even though you are reading this on Thursday, I am writing this on Sunday night, just getting the next issue started and set up and ready to go.  Mostly because it’s too early to go to bed, Mrs. Dragon isn’t feeling well and has gone to bed, and I’m bored.

So, I’ll add to this as the days go on, and I’ll fill in the details of the stuff that I mentioned above, but let’s put some laughter in right now, while I wait for things to progress for the week.

LetsLaugh

401

I'd walk a mile

A special note to Aussie Peter … These claim to be Aussie sayings no claim to their authenticity is made by this dragon, but they are funny.  Thanks to Stephanie for sending them in.  There sure is a lot of them.

Aussie sayings
In case ‘ya ever yerself ‘down-under’………..
I’m Hungry
“I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper’s undies.”
“I could eat the horse and chase the jockey.”
“So hungry I’d eat a shit sandwich, only I don’t like bread.”
“I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair.”
“So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck.”
I’m thirsty:
“I’m dry as a dead dingo’s donger.”
“I’m drier than a nuns nasty.”
“I’m dry as a f**k with no foreplay.”
“I’m as dry as a pommie’s bath mat.”
“I’m as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards.”
“I’m drier than an Arab’s fart.”
I need to go for a pee:
“Gonna drain me dragon.”  Hey wait a damn minute!
“My back teeth are floating.”
“Need to syphon the python.”
“Takin’ the kids to the pool.”  That’s wrong
“I got to take a snakes hiss.”
“Gotta go have a slash.”
“Gonna go water a horse.”
“I’m off to drain the main vein.”
“Time to splatter the bladder.”
“I’m dying for a piss ! so bad I can taste it.”
“Shake hands with the wife’s best friend.”
I need to do a poo:
“I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi.”
“I’m takin’ a stroll to the gravy bowl.”
“It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly.”
“Off to the bog to leave an offering.”
“Time to snap off a grogan.”
“Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave.”
“I’m gonna strangle a brownie.”
“There’s a brown dog barking at the back door.”
“I’m going to give birth to your twin.”
“Need to choke a brown dog.”
“Going for a Rodney.”
“Taking out the garbage.”
“I gotta back one out.”
“Release the Chocolate hostage”
“i gotta lay some cables for telstra”
Vomit:
“Calling for George.”
“I was driving the porcelain bus this morning.”
“I left him a lawn pizza.”
“Toss a tiger on the carpet.”
“Gotta go Ralph”
Insults:
“I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders.”
“Not enough brains to give ‘imself a headache!”
“About as useful as tits on a bull.”
“You must be the world’s only living brain donor.”
“He’s a few wanks short of an orgasm.”
“She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard.”
“He had a head on him like a sucked mango.”
“May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down.”
“He’s got a few roos loose in the top paddock.”
“So stupid that he wouldn’t know a tram was up him ’til the bell rang!”
“Couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery.”
“Pull your lip over your head and swallow!”
“As ugly as a hat full of arseholes.”
“If I had a dog that looked like him, I’d shave it’s arse and make it walk backwards.”
“Got a face like a bashed in shit can.”
“Couldn’t tell his ass from a hole in the ground.”
“Couldn’t drive a greasy stick up a dog’s arse.”
“Couldn’t organise a fuck in a brothel with a fist full of fifties.”
“About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition.”
“I’ll kick your! bum till your nose bleeds!”
“A stubbie short of a six pack.”
“Seen better heads in a piss trough.”
“You’re as handy as shit on a stick.”
“Tighter than a fish’s arse.”
“So tight that he wouldn’t shout if a shark bit him.”
“Face like a smashed crab.”
“As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp.”
“He could talk a dog off a meatwagon.”
“Fucked in the head.”
“You’ve got a head like a half-eaten pastie.”
“He wouldn’t go two rounds with a revolving door.”
“Mate, she’s as rough as a pigs breakfast.”
“Your face is like a twisted ugg boot.”
“He’s got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle.”
“She’s been hit with the ugly stick too many times.”
“She’s two pick handles wide.”
“An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag.”
“As ugly as a bag of spanners.”
“You’ve got a head like a dropped pie.”
“He thinks his shit don’t stink, but his farts give him away.”
“I wish his dad had settled for a blow job.”
“Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on  the way down.”
“Your the load your mother should have swallowed”
“If I had a head like yours I’d circumcise it.”
“Wouldn’t know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck chairs.”
“As thick as two short planks!”
“you got a head like a busted watermelon”
Compliments:
“Ya bloods worth bottling!”
“He’s True Blue.”

Whew!  Glad that’s over with.

1961

1962

Me:  Can I have a pizza with live and onions please.

Dominos:  We don’t do liver

Me:  [hand over phone whispering to wife] I thought you said they do the liver?

Wife:  I said they do deliver

Me:  Not according to this guy.

402

403

Bitches be trippin’ … okay, maybe I pushed one.

404

405

I just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens …

That’s 12 months of training completely wasted!!!

406

1963

Three girls are walking through the desert, a blonde, a red head, and a brunette and they come across a genie.

They ask the genie if they can have something to drink.

The genie tells them to go down the slide and yell what drink they want and they will land in a pool of it.

The red head goes down and yells, “soda!!”, so she lands in a pool of soda.

The brunette goes down and yells, “lemonade!!”, so she lands in a pool of lemonade.

The blonde goes down and yells, “weeeee!!!!”

407

408

Stephanie sent this to me … not really sure how she got this story and I’m not sure I want to know, but here it is …

Be Careful When You Masturbate!
Let’s just say, *hypothetically,* that I decided to flog my dolphin last night just before retiring for the evening.
And let’s just say that when I went to pee in the morning, some dried manchowder might have dried up around the opening to my prick, blocking the flow of urine.
And let’s just say that that blockage, might have caused urine to back up inside my rod for a second or two, creating an unusually fierce spray of piss pressure once said blockage was busted.
And let’s just say that this high velocity piss-stream shot off at a 45-degree angle to the left because of said blockage.
Let’s just imagine that this 45-degree angle cause me to hit the ear of the cat who was perched not too far away, causing said cat to FLIP OUT, screech, and perform a 4-legged leap with a half-twist and quarter roll (difficulty of 6.8).
Let’s just say there may have been an empty glass resting on the back of the toilet, which may or may not have been tossed off the back of the toilet by said cat in the aforementioned jump.
That glass, we might say, falls really close to my foot, lodging a small shard of glass into my left foot.
This lodging of said glass shard may have caused me to immediately grab said left foot, creating a situation of hopping on one leg (while still relieving myself, mind you) on a tile surface which is becoming increasingly wetter by the second.
Let’s just say that it only takes a few hops on one foot on a slippery surface to end a physical event of such fashion.
AND LET’S JUST SAY that once my foot was taken out from underneath me, that I crashed into the shower door, knocking it off it’s tracks and causing me to fall in the shower and somehow ending in a back down, face up position, legs elevated, with blood running down my leg, pee streaming down my body to my neck, and a new head-welt with massive headache to boot.
Let this be a lesson to you, next time you feel like rubbing your pole.

409

410

And another amusing story from Stephanie … this is becoming a thing.

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’.  .  .perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again.  “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh I was thinkin…….perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again.  “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh I was thinkin…perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand oon your laig.”
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he blushed and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again.  “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
The young man knit his brow.  “Wahl, nouh,” he said, “My thoughts war a bit moor ser’ous this time.”
“Really?” said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
“Aye,” said the lad.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.  “An’ wha’ wus tha’?” she asked.
“Din’na ye think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?” he asked.

411

412

My town’s mayor sent out a robocall the week before Thanksgiving to let us know that “Thanksgiving falls on a Thursday this year.”

413

1964

I worked at a BBQ restaurant in Texas, and everyday I was asked at least twice about the difference between pulled pork and chopped beef.  When I knew I was gearing up to quit, I started to get mouthy and would respond, “One went ‘moo’ and the other went ‘oink’”

1965

1966

A woman told me our chicken is good, but she prefers it bloody.  She straight up said, “I like to hear my chicken moo.”  I didn’t say anything because I was speechless.

1967

1968

So, it’s all the way around to Wednesday before I got a chance to come back to this.  Monday’s appointment with Izzy was crazy long.  We got there, after an hour and a half drive at 8:30 in the morning and didn’t leave until 5 in the evening.  It was all day testing.  I won’t go into what she is being tested for … because she has asked me not to talk about it and because I don’t want to throw oil on a smoldering fire.  The way our past couple of weeks have been going, I’ll let sleeping dogs lie for the time being.

Then yesterday, Tuesday, as I was getting ready to leave work, we went into a tornado warning situation, severe thunderstorm … well … as the Emergency Manager, I couldn’t really leave at that point in time, I kinda had to hang around and see how everything played out … you know … just in case.  By the time I got home, it was time to get ready to go to darts.  We won, by the way, so we moved up into the playoffs, which means we are playing for at least fourth place next week.  But that didn’t leave ANY time yesterday to work on this.

And that catches us up to today, which means I need to finish this issue today if I’m going to keep to my schedule of having this published tomorrow for you guys to be reading this on Thursday … which you obviously are, so I must have … or you aren’t and I didn’t.

Hmmm … how does that work out for you who are now reading this … I guess it depends on what day you are reading it.  Unless you aren’t reading it on the day that I published it … in which case, why did you WAIT to read this wonderful bunch of sunny happiness?

Anyway, let’s get back to that sunny happiness, shall we?

1969

1970

Answers men would like to give to woman’s stupid questions, but never will

1.  No, we can’t be friends;  I just want you for sex.

2.  The dress doesn’t make you look fat, it’s all that fucking ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3.  You’ve got no chance of me calling you.

4.  No, I won’t be gentle.

5.  Of course you have to swallow.

6.  Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7.  I hate your friends.

8.  I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

9.  I’d rather watch a porno.

And not every man would rather give those answers to a woman … well … maybe some of them.

1971

1972

Why are things typed up, but written down?

We had cured ham for Christmas dinner.  We all wondered what illness it was cured of.

1973

Why do people say they “worked like a dog”?  Our dog just sits around all day.

How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out that the wheels on luggage would be a good idea?

1974

I’m a light eater.  As soon as it’s light, I start to eat.

Why are you “in” a movie, but you’re “on” TV?

1975

How come you never see Cupid with a girlfriend?

Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?

1976

I’m going to try the Atkins Diet in 2021, because my end no longer justifies the jeans.

1977

motivational wooden sign

Poverty2

power

Power_Projection

powerleveling

Pragmatism

Prank

pregnant

Preparation

Preparedness

Preparedness2

Presents

previously

priceless

Priorities

Priorities1

Priorities2

Priorities3

1978

1979

Okay, it’s time to say thank you again… and to give a nudge for you all to donate 0a2some money to my worthy cause.  It’s time for me to pay my bills for the year, so I have to ask you guys to help me out.  Every little bit helps.  It really does.  If everyone donates just a little bit, then the bills get paid and I don’t have to throw ads in here … which I will never do.  I will stop publishing this ezine before I will put ads in here because personally, I HATE that.  Anyway, the place where you donate is in the upper right hand column and looks like the picture to the left.  It goes through PayPal and you don’t have to have a PayPal account.  You just need a credit card or a debit card.  If you don’t want to do that, you can write to me at impishdragon@gmail.com and I will give you my snail mail, regular old street address and you can send me something in the mail.  For obvious reasons I won’t print that here.  Or if you don’t want to do any of those things, you can just wish me well the next time you are doing your wishing well thing and I will appreciate that as well.

Anyway …. thanks to the following very special people who have donated so far from the beginning of this year!!!!!  You are all great!!!!

William E.     Donald G.#1     Donald G.#1     Chuck G.     Ronald W.     Theodore K.     Mark M.     Donald G.#1     Michael C.      Steven H.      Joseph P.      Henry S.      Leah H.      Scott H.      Donald G.#2      William E.     Dan T.
thankyou2

I can’t really say thank you enough.  You guys are just awesome.  As you can see, and which I feel like I must point out, some of you have been multiple donators throughout the year.  I am so blessed by you guys.  Thank you so much for your support.  And I can’t wait to add more names to the list!

1980

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

1981

Anything worth fighting for, is worth fighting dirty for.

1982

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

1983

If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

1984

Not one single shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

1985

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

1986

The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a “do it yourself” thing.

1987

You better make sure there are no firearms around.

It doesn’t matter how old you are, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

1988

 

1989

Me:  [Donating my body to science]

Science:  [Donates my body to Goodwill]

1990

1991

405

401

402

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn’t familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
13 I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week. (your life!)
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It’ll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand…
23. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory Some just don’t have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37 Just remember – if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

403

404

Q:  Why do sharks live in salt water?

A:  Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

406

Dammit!  I friggin’ knew it!!!!  And with that depressing thought, I will end it here today so that I will be able to allow you guys to read this on time.

Love and happiness to you all.  May you laugh your way through your day.  Until we meet again.  Cheers!

400

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1780

  1. Danny says:

    Somehow, you keep them coming. Your efforts are highly appreciated. It’s good to start the day with a few Laffs. Always good stuff.

  2. Leah D. says:

    Today is the 23rd. In Utah, the 24th is when we celebrate the day the Mormons arrived in 1847. We do that, because it’s too cold to celebrate the day we became a state, January 4th, 1896.
    That means we have two holidays in July when fireworks at legal..
    For those July holiday periods, people can launch fireworks between 11 a.m. to 11 p.m., and up to midnight on the day of the holiday.
    That means fireworks can be launched from 11 a.m. to 11 p.m. Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday, as well as 11 a.m. to midnight Friday.
    I am so tired of fireworks!

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