Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Before I go any further in this issue, I have to correct something I forgot to do and something new that just came up.  I need to say thank you to

Carlos W – Not sure if I remembered to say thanks or not, but I am now.

And I’m not sure who this even is, but Blast Specialties, Inc. – Thank you guys very much for your very generous donations.  It is DEEPLY appreciated.  (and extraordinarily timely) thank you, I’m heartfully touched.

I normally don’t ask for donations until August –ish for when the website bills come due, but of course welcome them at any time. So, thanks for all that you guys do.

Now, on to other things.

Let’s jump into the laughter.

I used to be a Crastinator… But then I decided to go Pro.

“You know, I’m sick and damn tired of you telemarketers waking me up when I’m trying to get some sleep!”

Best game of Risk EVER!

What’s the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?

The literalist takes thing literally.  The kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

I never finish anything.

I have a black belt in Partial Arts.

I pulled a muscle digging for gold…just a miner injury.

This one is really cool!  Thanks for passing it on, Lynn!!

What a difference 76 years can make!  What a difference between war and peace.
Lest we forget!
Now this is an incredible use of technology. Like traveling back in time!
Directions:  
Just click on the photo anywhere and it will become 2020.
Click again and it will go back to 1944.
Scroll down for next photo.

< http://interactive.guim.co.uk/embed/2014/apr/image-opacity-slider-master/index.html?ww2-dday >

Buddy and Mick worked together and were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Buddy answered, “Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs.” The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80.00 a week unemployment pay. Mick was next in, and when asked his occupation, replied, “Diesel Fitter.” Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160.00 a week. When Buddy found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the Unemployment Office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his unemployment pay. The clerk explained, “Panty Stitchers are unskilled laborers, and Diesel Fitters are skilled laborers” “What skill?” yelled Buddy. “I sew da elastic on da panties and thongs. Mick puts ’em over his head and says, “Yep, diesel fitter”.

Yup, that’s the way that I always found it worked.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas, where paramedics had been called to an apartment complex. While they were dealing with the emergency, our bozo jumped into the ambulance and drove off. Unfortunately for him, the ambulance was equipped with GPS technology and the cops were able to pinpoint exactly where he went. To the nearby Jack In the Box drive thru. He had the emergency lights on and was ordering food when he was arrested.

You don’t know what fun is until you’ve witnessed a drunk on the Edinburgh to Glasgow train screaming, “A fucking hate hedgehogs, come at me ya jabby wee cunt,” while angrily circling a hairbrush that’s been dropped on the floor…

Just heard an American woman angrily tell an airport employee, “If you don’t speak English, then why are you working here?”

“Ma’am … you’re in Shanghai, China.”

I got myself a seniors’ GPS.  Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.

Earlier today, I saw a bumper sticker that said “I’m a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal.”  Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the roads …

You knew there was gonna be some of these …

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another “Economic Stimulus” payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I’ll explain it by using a Q&A format:

Q:  What is an “Economic Stimulus” payment?

A:  It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q:  Where will the government get this money?

A:  From taxpayers.

Q:  So, the government is giving me back my own money?

A:  Only a smidgen of it.

Q:  What is the purpose of this payment?

A:  The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q:  But, isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?

A:  Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

**If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.

**If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

**If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan, or China …

**If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala …

**If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

**If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

**If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer, or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me, I’m just glad I could be of help.

Before I call today’s issue complete, I want to leave you with a very important thought…

4,408,226

PEOPLE IN THE WORLD THIS YEAR

Have died from hunger.

There is a vaccine for hunger, it’s called FOOD.

It works straight away and has no side effects.  Shall we solve hunger first and then worry about a virus that has a more than a 99% survival rate?

It’s just a thought my friends.  We have a horrible homeless problem in this world that we have a vaccine for, also.  It’s called homes.  Just another thought.  Should we really be sending millions, billions of our dollars to other countries for things like abortion counseling?  Is that really where YOUR priorities lie?

Peace, love, and happiness to you and yours.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Boy, has it been a weekend.  It’s Sunday night and I was going to pass on Monday’s issue, but I want to throw something together for you guys.  I’m afraid it won’t be much.  But, I figured something is better than nothing.  It has been bloody cold cold today as this snap shot of our weather this morning shows you.  Minus 4 degrees with a wind chill of negative 20.  NEGATIVE FRIGGIN’ TWENTY DEGREES!!!!  I was truly amazed that my car actually ran at that temperature.  I sure as hell didn’t run at that temperature.  I moved really, really slowly.

I have a really nice insulated coffee cup, that is like guaranteed to keep hot stuff hot for a minimum of 6 hours.  Two miles down the road I heard the coffee cup give out a little hiccup and then it just gave up.  The coffee was an iced coffee by the time I got to work fifteen minutes later.

The heat on the car never really did get what one would call “hot”.  Maybe luke-warm is the best that it could be called.  Yup, it was friggin’ COLD!!

But, anyway, let’s get a couple of laughs in before I have to hit the hay and start another day.

 

It’s only fair that we try to get along with the world’s Muslims

​

 New American President Joe Biden says Americans should create harmony by learning Arabic. Basically, the Democrat Party wants us to learn more about Muslims and accept them into our culture.
 
Well, as Americans we might as well get on the band wagon. 
 
This is my very first attempt…

You had one job …

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub
It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering

Today’s Bozo crime team comes from Kansas City, MO, where a couple of Bozos got the idea to rob a convenience store. They didn’t have a weapon, just walked up to the cashier and demanded money. They obviously didn’t look too frightening as the attendant just laughed at them and told them to get out. As they were heading out the door, one of the bozos decided he was going to steal something and grabbed a hot dog off the rotisserie near the door and stuffed the whole thing in his mouth. They hadn’t taken more than three steps outside the door when the bozo fell to the ground, choking on the hot dog. The other bozo rushed back into the store and asked the clerk to call 911. She did. Cops helped the bozo cough up the dog before loading them both up and taking them in.

The quiet, very smart kid in my science class (25 years ago …) never really said much, got good grades, tried to keep his head down so as not to get picked on for being the nerd.  One day he corrected the teacher on some chemistry point.  I don’t even remember what it was.  The teacher says, “Young man, I have forgotten more about chemistry than you currently know.”

“Well at least now we have identified the problem.”

Whatever the teacher said after that was lost in the uproar.

 

Let Do some mail…

Dave

Your “I remember that” list reminded me of something. During my senor year in high school, in 1969, (there’s that number again), I had a 1952 Oldsmobile Rocket 88. It had 2 of those buttons. The “other” one tuned the radio stations.

Now, that I had never heard of before.  Thanks Dave!

alan

“I remember that” the one next to the gas pedal; I’m 64 but have no idea what it is.

tomw

In reply to alan.

It’s a head light dimmer switch

And I think it’s cool that we are answering each other!!!

Marsha Mastrangelo

I never wanted to be a Democrat before till now..but I may be to old to stick my head up my ass and act like everything is getting better. I just shake my head….so much so my neck hurts…anyone know where there is an island for sale? I got 10 extra bucks….but a real strong desire to get away.

If it’s a big enough island, I’ll go in with you … I can come up with ten bucks.

Here’s a really nice essay sent in by Tom W….

Tomw

I really enjoy your laffs. Thought you might like this.

Even if you do nothing else today, please read this.

And Pass it on

WHAT IS GASLIGHTING?

The term originates in the systematic psychological manipulation of a victim by her husband in Patrick Hamilton’s 1938 stage play Gas Light, and the film adaptations released in 1940 and 1944.

In the story the husband attempts to convince his wife and others that she is insane by manipulating small elements of their environment and insisting that she is mistaken, remembering things incorrectly, or delusional when she points out these changes.

The play’s title alludes to how the abusive husband slowly dims the gas lights in their home, while pretending nothing has changed, in an effort to make his wife doubt her own perceptions.

The wife repeatedly asks her husband to confirm her perceptions about the dimming lights, but in defiance of reality, he keeps insisting that the lights are the same and instead it is she who is going insane.

Today we are living in a perpetual state of gaslighting. The reality that we are being told by the media is at complete odds with what we are seeing with our own two eyes. And when we question the false reality that we are being presented, or we claim that what we see is that actual reality, we are vilified as racist or bigots or just plain crazy. You’re not racist. You’re not crazy.

You’re being gaslighted.

New York State has twice as many deaths from Covid-19 than any other state, and New York has accounted for one fifth of all Covid-19 deaths, but we are told that New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has handled the pandemic better than any other governor. But if we support policies of Governors whose states had only a fraction of the infections and deaths as New York, we’re called anti-science and want people to die. So, we ask ourselves, am I crazy?

No, you’re being gaslighted.

We see mobs of people looting stores, smashing windows, setting cars on fire and burning down buildings, but we are told that these demonstrations are peaceful protests And when we call this destruction of our cities, riots, we are called racists. So, we ask ourselves, am I crazy?

No, you’re being gaslighted.

We see the major problem destroying many inner-cities is crime; murder, gang violence, drug dealing, drive-by shootings, armed robbery, but we are told that it is not crime, but the police that are the problem in the inner-cities.We are told we must defund the police and remove law enforcement from crime-riddled cities to make them safer But if we advocate for more policing in cities overrun by crime, we are accused of being white supremacists and racists. So, we ask ourselves, am I crazy?

No, you’re being gaslighted.

The United States of America accepts more immigrants than any other country in the world.  The vast majority of the immigrants are “people of color”, and these immigrants are enjoying freedom and economic opportunity not available to them in their country of origin, but we are told that the United States is the most racist and oppressive country on the planet, and if we disagree, we are called racist and xenophobic. So, we ask ourselves, am I crazy?

No, you’re being gaslighted.

Capitalist countries are the most prosperous countries in the world The standard of living is the highest in capitalist countries. We see more poor people move up the economic ladder to the middle and even the wealthy class through their effort and ability in capitalist countries than any other economic system in the world, but we are told capitalism is an oppressive system designed to keep people down. So, we ask ourselves, am I crazy?

No, you’re being gaslighted.

Communist countries killed over 100 million people in the 20th century. Communist countries strip their citizens of basic human rights, dictate every aspect of their lives, treat their citizens as slaves, and drive their economies into the ground, but we are told that Communism is the fairest, most equitable, freest, and most prosperous economic system in the world. So, we ask ourselves, am I crazy?

No, you’re being gaslighted.

The most egregious example of gaslighting is the concept of “white fragility”. You spend your life trying to be a good person, trying to treat people fairly and with respect. You disavow racism and bigotry in all its forms. You judge people solely on the content of their character and not by the color of their skin. You don’t discriminate based on race or ethnicity. But you are told you are a racist, not because of something you did or said, but solely because of the color of your skin. You know instinctively that charging someone with racism because of their skin color is itself racist. You know that you are not racist, so you defend yourself and your character, but you are told that your defense of yourself is proof of your racism. So, we ask ourselves, am I crazy?

No, you’re being gaslighted.

Gaslighting has become one of the most pervasive and destructive tactics in American politics. It is the exact opposite of what our political system was meant to be. It deals in lies and psychological coercion, and not the truth and intellectual discourse. If you ever ask yourself if you’re crazy, you are not. Crazy people aren’t sane enough to ask themselves if they’re crazy. So, trust yourself, believe what’s in your heart. Trust your eyes over what you are told. Never listen to the people who tell you that you are crazy, because you are not, you’re being gaslighted.

Sophocles said: “What people believe prevails over the truth.” And that’s what the media are trying to exploit.

If you have read this far let me say one thing. I did not write the above and I am not sure who the author is.

I sent this to you because you are hopefully smart enough to understand what is being done to you on a daily basis from many directions. I do not care about your political party affiliation. Just think through what you are being told. Don’t listen with a deaf ear, or see with a blind eye. Question everything — even things from people who you think you can trust. Question why you are being told whatever, by whomever. Question their motives.

Question who benefits. Question if there is a hidden agenda behind the propaganda. Question, Question, Question.

Then do your own research, and use some of your own critical thinking skills to get to the truth. Listen with your heart and with your mind.

Sadly, 95% of the masses don’t even know that they are being gaslighted. At least now you do. If this makes sense to you, then forward to your friends who you think might ‘get it’.

Thanks Tom.  Pretty much the same thing we’ve been saying all along, but much more eloquently.  Thank you for sharing.

Leah D

Nothing in the English language starts with an N and ends with a G????.
“noodling” starts with an ‘n’ and ends with a ‘g’.
“nodding” does too, which is what I am doing, since I had a very bad night, and the reason I can’t give you any more NG words.

Leah … maybe you didn’t see where the joke was going … “NothinG” also of the English language starts with the letter N and ends with the letter G … as well as “noodling” and “nodding”

Stephanie

I’m curious about something. Biden has stopped allowing flights from Africa. Why isn’t he called a racist? Perhaps it has nothing to do with color or race, just safety. You and I know that if Trump had done the exact same thing, he would have been vilified in multiple ways.

It’s the normal double standards … why were they “peaceful” demonstrations over the summer and terroristic attacks in Washington D.C.?  Why was Obama never called out on being a racist when he was the worst of the bunch?  They’re even doing it to each other.  Pelosi fined a Republican $5000 for using the wrong door and not going through a metal detector in the Senate the other day.  A new rule SHE made up to protect everyone after the Capitol Riots.  And then she did the exact same thing and now is refusing to pay the fine.  They are liars and thieves and cheaters and don’t even play fair with each other.  It’s all bullshit.  There’s not a single one of them who can be trusted.  They all need to be held to a four year term limit and they need to fired when they don’t do the job they were hired to do.  And right now, I don’t think a single fucking one of them is.

And now that I’ve pretty much run out of time and am already on a roll, let’s end with these:

And that’s it my friends.  Sorry so short.  But I’m wiped out.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers.

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Not sure what the storm are all about.  Might be my mood for having to deal with idiots all day, might be the new round of really stupid weather we are dealing with here.  Today is Thursday … with lots of snow still on the ground, this afternoon we got a little rain, then sleet and now it’s snowing.  The temperature, has been hovering around 32 degrees but is supposed to plummet over the weekend to below zero and stay there for the next week.  Adding a couple of inches of snow to the total we have.  BUT, this is a UTA.  So we have a bunch of people coming in from out of state and it’s going to be a bit dicey for them.  So, it’s going to be an interesting weekend.

And it might also be all the crap that Biden is doing to PISS ME OFF! 

But who knows …

It could just be my sparkling personality.

So … let’s see if we can’t do something to cheer me up.

Nothing in the English language starts with an N and ends with a G.

I swear, people at coffee shops are just saying random things.  “Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad oy hexagon vortex hypotenuse.”

I heard there’s a culture that worships the number zero.

Is nothing sacred?

I heard today that President Trump declined their kind offer of testifying at their faked impeachment trial.  Good for him.

Some people age like a fine wine.

I aged like milk – I got sour and chunky.

If you had to choose between eating bacon everyday, or being skinny for the rest of y9ur life – would you choose Applewood or Hickory Smoked?

“So … the plantiff can now make his opening arguments …”

That’s one hell of a drive home!  You better be stone cold sober!

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Andover, MD, where police feel sure they have solved a string of vending machine robberies. Bozo Sam Frabian was arrested and charged with robbing vending machines. He promptly paid his four hundred dollar bail–entirely in quarters.

More Fairy Porn

People think their luck just could not get any worse, and they go around feeling sorry for themselves. 

They think everyone else life’s is problem free, and so much better than theirs.

Those are the times to look around at other peoples misfortunes, and suddenly, your life does not look so bad after all?
Next time you think you are having one of those bad days, and things just could not get any worse, I want you to think of this guy!

There has got to be one hell of a story that goes along with this … or one hell of an angry farmer.

I’m now going to give you an extra large edition of …

Or maybe in this case it should be …

The amazing thing is, that I’ve already seen polls where Biden’s approval rating is at like 36%.  Now, most of the news media is reporting it as “adjusted” to around 51%.  Why the hell do you have to adjust it?  Just like you “adjusted” the election results?  But, the surprising thing is that there are one or two media sources who are actually reporting the actual results and telling the truth.  It seems that some people are already tired of his bullshit and putting people in other fucking countries before Americans and his buddies and cronies ahead of the people who he’s supposed to be taking care of.  It’s like I’ve said before, if his mouth is movin’ Biden’s lyin’!

I must be extremely tired, but I laughed like hell at that one.

Sadly, I’m running out of time and have to work all weekend and it’s going to be a nutty friggin’ weekend … and I can’t talk about it.  So, let’s just I’m going to throw the most stuff I can in here in the shortest amount of time and call it an issue.

And that my friends is it.  I gotta go.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

So … Bernie Sander’s mittens are a display of white privilege, male privilege, and class privilege.  Well, this is a humor site and I have to say that is one of the funniest things I’ve heard in a long, long time.  Thank you Ingrid Seyer-Ochi, a former UC Berkeley professor, for giving me a good long belly laugh.  And thanks also for being a former teacher, glad you no longer have an influence on our impressionable young people. 

Oh, and thanks to Stephanie, who I think has made it her life’s mission to send me every single Bernie meme ever created.  I don’t particularly like the man, but if I find any of them appropriate, I might use them, but I do appreciate all the sends.

There are more than enough things to be pissed off about.  I think it’s friggin’ hilarious the amount of people who are now pissed off at Biden because he promised them $2000 checks if they voted the way he wanted them to vote in Georgia, made out right promises to them (which is illegal, by the way) and now is saying that they might … MIGHT get $1400 to equal $2000 if you add the $600 we already gave you.  But it wasn’t you that gave us $600, that was Trump, they all scream!  You LIED!  Well, no shit!  You didn’t see that coming?

Hmmm, let’s see.  Anyone who uses Executive Orders is a dictator … that’s a quote by Mr. Biden (and yes, you are correct, I have yet to put the word President along with his name because I don’t believe he deserves it) and yet I think we are up to 40 EOs from the office so far.  So … LIAR again. 

And … oh, let’s just skip to the punch line.  We all know he stole the damn election, whether through the media, the fake ballots, or the dominion electronics, or what all…he still wasn’t elected fairly.  So … the biggest lie of them all.  I would ask, how could he look himself in the mirror, but evil people don’t give a shit about stuff like that.  Look at Pelosi,  she can’t possibly have any mirrors anywhere near her, they’d all crack anytime she glanced their way.  That’s why she has to go  to the salon so much, someone else has to do her hair, she can’t look in a mirror.

Anyway, I’ve tried to be as gentle in this opening as I can … I didn’t even mention how pissed off I am with Biden sending millions of our hard-earned money overseas to pay for abortions while we have over 37,000 homeless Veterans … men and women who literally swore to give up their lives to protect each and every one of us… or the fact that he put over 100,000 people out of work by shutting down the pipeline so he could pay back his supporter by shipping the oil by rail … oh … at three times the cost.  Or the fact that he has thrown open our borders while we are in the midst of a (supposed) pandemic all while 1 in 7 adults are worried about not having enough food to feed their families.  Nah, I didn’t even mention HOW FUCKING PISSED OFF I AM ABOUT ALL OF THAT!!!!

Well … I am.

So … we better get to the laughter, because I’m getting madder and madder thinking about it.

I misplaced my pizza cutter, so I used my Bryan Adams CD …

… it cuts like a knife.

If you die in the same Hospital in which you were born, your average velocity will be zero.

Someone asked me what to do with left-over bacon.  I have never heard of that kind of bacon.  Is it new?

This made me laugh so hard I cried.  Maybe because it’s me …

Threw out my back sleeping and tweaked my neck sneezing so I’m probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis.

Sometimes it’s fun to shrink down and play with the kids next door.

Well played, sir.

The Keystone pipeline.  Cancelled by Biden on first day.  Warren Buffet owns the railroad that is now transporting all that oil.  Warren Buffet donated 58 million to Biden campaign.  Warren Buffet would lose billions in transport fees if the pipeline is completed.  See how politics works?  It is not an environmental issue, it is a money issue … it is ALWAYS About THE MONEY!

And it’s our money!  It costs $3 dollars a barrel by pipeline and $10 a barrel by train … who’s going to pay the difference?  WE ARE!!!!

Fairy Porn

You really gotta wonder

Looking for a married woman, recently cheated on, mad and scorned, who is willing to sell her husband’s tools for cheap.

A homeless guy asked me for money today.  I looked in my pocket and all I had was a $20 bill.  “Do I really want this money going towards drugs?”, I thought to myself.  “Nah!”  So I gave him the $20.

Yeah, no shit…

A news reporter asks Michael Jordan if he thought the 90’s Bulls could beat Lebron’s Lakers …

MJ said yes …

Reporter asks by how much?

MJ replies by 2 or 3 points.

Reporter asks why such a close game?

MJ … well most of us are almost 60 now …

Wow … you think that the news is unbiased, open, and uncontrolled … watch this: https://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/what-happens-when-one-company-owns-dozens-of-local-news-stations/86562567/

And I have to call it a night.  I’m sorry this was a short one.  Working again this weekend, we’ll have to see how it goes for the next two issues.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon.

Good Morning Campers,

Well, it’s Saturday morning and we’re waiting on the biggest snowfall of the season.  Right now … nothing.  They (the elusive “they”) are predicting 4 to 9 inches.  Or 5 to 7 inches or 3 to 112 inches.  It all depends on who you listen to.  Northern Indiana Weather Service at the last is calling for 4 to 9 … and they’ve been the most accurate in the past, so that’s what I’m going with…

…but like I said, right now … nothing.

So, we’ll see.

And the craziness just keeps on coming.  The latest?  A Norwegian lawmaker has nominated the Black Lives Matter movement for the 2021 Nobel Peace Prize for bringing racial inequities around the world.

Yup, I shit you not.  The same group that felt it was appropriate to burn down a Walgreens because a thug basically killed himself and that it was the right thing to do to riot and loot and steal 70 inch TVs are the right folks to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

I am continually amazed at how fucking stupid people can be.  That’s like rewarding your 10 year-old kid for burning down your house.  That’s how we get stuff like the story we were talking about a couple of issues ago.  The family that was killed in Indianapolis and a teenager was arrested for it.  Turns out it was their own 17 year-old son who did it because he was going to get in trouble for being out without permission the night before.  Again … I shit you not.

Welcome to the world of doing what you want, when you want, for whatever reason you want.  For, gone is doing the right thing, at the right time, for the right reason.

Integrity, you lovely lady, I do so miss you.  You held on as long as you could, didn’t you?

But, how do we, at Dragon Laffs, battle these ridiculous problems we’re facing?  This overwhelming stupidity that seems to be prevailing against not only Common Sense, but the actual Laws of Nature?  How do we handle all of that here?

Why, with laughter of course! 

We laugh in the face of bullshit!

   

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps – Lickie Stickie
Defibrillators – Hearty Starty
Bumble Bees – Fuzzy Buzzy
Pregnancy Test – Maybe Baby
Bra – Breastie Nestie
Fork – Stabby Grabby
Socks – Feetie Heatie
Hippo – Floatie Bloatie
Nightmare – Screamy Dreamy

This is so bad, I’m almost ashamed to print it here … I’m going to, but I’m also going to blame it on Stephanie…

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten…”
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, “Your wish is granted”, and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does…) and Justin found himself Becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn’t realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can’t believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail – it’s much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. “Where’s Christian?” he asked.
“He’s at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark”, came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian’s house.
As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.
“Christian replied “No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re a shark, the enemy and I’ll not be tricked. ”
Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed.”…
……”I’ve found Cod, I’m a prawn again Christian”.

Yeah, I know, right?

Why does my wife always wait until I’m at the opposite end of the house before asking me to: “Merm Frner Mernferr Brnerfer:?

That special time spent with friends.

And amazed that it is so.

I believe in you!

I also believe in Bigfoot, so don’t get all fuckin’ excited.

Another member of the Dragon Laffs Security Team.

Yup … and still around and still kicking.

Yup, remember that, too.

Behind every husband who thinks he wears the pants …

Is a wife who told him which pants to wear.

These weekends are starting to feel like a 30 minute lunch break.

And God yet gives us hope for the future.

I’m giving up wine every day all month!

No wait!  That came out wrong.
I’m giving up.  Wine every day, all month.

Yup, passed that one, too.

TODAY’S WORK FROM HOME TIP:

Blowing on the wine in the mug will help convince your Zoom Meeting that your tea is hot.

PS: Still no snow

Yup, passed that one, too.

Me:  Please bring me a screwdriver.

Her:  Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew she was THE ONE.

And again for that one!  Damn, I’m old.

Why do eggs come in flimsy Styrofoam cartons and batteries come in a package only a chainsaw can open?

If they put the vaccine in beer and opened up the pubs, the whole country would be vaccinated by next Thursday.  Just trying to help.

Not me…

Well, it’s Sunday morning and we got some snow … about 6 inches it looks like.  Although with blowing and drifting there are places where it’s a lot deeper.  And we’re supposed to get some more.  So…we’ll see.  Just got back from clearing the front and back porch, the car and making sure I can get the car out if I have to … and I learned an important lesson … I’m too fucking old to shovel snow!

Stephanie

You know, my Dear Imp, there have always been idiots in our country. I wish news and legal channels had the cojones to call an idiot an idiot and don’t give them a second thought. I’m so sick of media manipulation. Once you could trust what was broadcast, might not like it, but you knew it was the truth. Now, just follow the money and selectively offend.
Love you

You are so right, dear friend.  I miss the days of unbiased reporting.  When watching the news was actually watching what happened instead of someone’s screwed up opinion of what happened.  And passing that off as the news.  How about just telling us what happened and letting us decide what it means?  I think it started because people became too stupid to think for themselves…or too lazy.

Anyway, prayers and love still headed your way my dear friend. Love you right back.

Glad to see he rushed right out to report her missing.

Leah D

I have put on way too many pounds since covid hit. I know a LOT of other women have too. How? Because every time I go online to buy some ‘comfortable’ knit pants, my size is all sold out!
I’m blaming Walmart and Smiths Grocery. I place my order online, and bless their hearts, they get it all ready for me to drive up, open my trunk and go.
When I get home, after I have sprayed the invoice, I see they were ‘out of’ my milk, or some other item I really need. So I have to put in another order, and since it has to be over a certain amount, I buy more than I need. Now I can’t stand to waste food, so I end up waisting it!

Thanks Leah, that was probably one of the most amusing emails I’ve received in a while.  Cheers, dear friend.

Looks like I’m not the only one who got “a little snow” … got this email from Steve H.

Impish, we had one hecka of storm come through. Most people think it doesn’t snow in Arizona. But here in Prescott, we’re at 5600 ft in elevation. And this was the largest storm since 1980 and finally our drought is over. The photo is my driveway and that’s a van that’s completely covered.

Steve … that’s a lot of snow.  Thanks for sharing.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Virginia Beach, VA. Bozo Allen Hansen was due in court to face charges of auto theft. Police detectives watched in amazement when the Bozo pulled up in front of the courthouse driving a beautiful new Volvo with New York license plates. Since the cops knew the Bozo couldn’t afford a new car and wasn’t living in New York, they decided to run a license plate check on the auto. Sure enough, our Bozo had stolen a new car to drive to his court appearance on the auto theft charges.

On Jan 28, 2021 …

A new study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits.

And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims.

As well it should.  I saw a shirt the other day that said that I am a Veteran, I can fix stupid, but it’s gonna hurt.  I think we see an example of that above.

And with that last nice tribute to dragonkind, we’re going to end this issue here.  Have a wonderful week, until we meet again.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon