Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

The above picture was from George AFB in California at about the same time that I was there in the late 70s, best as I can tell.  The last active unit of the old F-105 Thunderchiefs in the old Wild Weasel configuration.  Nicknamed the Thud it was an awesome old jet.  Sadly, we lost an awful lot of them while I was stationed out there in the Mojave desert.  Which kind of inspired it’s inspirational nickname.  Rumor has it, it was named after Chief Thunderthud from the Howdy Doody cartoon show.  It was a triple threat aircraft.  It could bomb you, strafe you with it’s 20mm gun, or it call fall on you.  We proved that quite well while I was stationed there.  We dropped quite a few of them into the Mojave Desert sand while I was there.  But, by the late 70s those girls were well over 20 years old by then.  But, fast loud and proud they were.  The pilots that flew them loved them.

 

 

I’m about to start telling people different stories about my life so when they get together and gossip about me they end up arguing…

If bedbugs are found on beds, who ever came up with the name cockroach?

I was telling a woman about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

“Really,”  she said, “Go on then … try.”

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come one, what day was I born?”

I said, “Yesterday.”

Bozo News Hawk award goes out today to Larry Kent of Tyler, Texas, who found this bozo story on the Associated Press wire and passed it on to us. From Mesa, Arizona come bozos John Largo,16, and Lee Burner, 17, who went to the local Wal-Mart and purchased a couple of strobe lights, red and blue in color. The bozos thought it would be fun to place the lights on top of their car and see if they could fool any other motorists into pulling over, thinking them to be police. Sure enough, the first car they tried the trick on pulled over. One problem–they pulled over an off duty police officer who arrested them for impersonating an officer and reckless driving.

Okay, can you all say it with me …

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boise, Idaho, where Harlan Collinsworth called the police to his house to report a number of things that had been stolen in a break-in. The bozo told police the thieves had taken a VCR, a bong and a marijuana pipe– but, he pointed out proudly, the thieves had missed a film canister full of marijuana. The cops asked the bozo to show them the canister full of dope and when he did, the police arrested the bozo for drug possession.

Can everyone repeat … ah never mind.  You say to yourself, how friggin’ stupid can they get and it’s like they’re taking it as a personal challenge.

 

That is absolutely disgusting!  True and funny as hell, but also disgusting!

Did You Know:  (No I did not) (Don’t start this shit with me already)  In 2019, a man in India was rushed into surgery after it was discovered that he had swallowed two screwdrivers, two toothbrushes, eight spoons and a kitchen knife?  (WTF?  No forks?  That’s hardly a proper table setting!)  (THAT’S what you come away with?)

Did You Know:  (No I did not) (I’m really warning you) (What?) The “D” River in Lincoln City, Oregon, only measures 440 feet!  (Why bother?) (Why bother what?) (Why bother being a river, if you’re only going to go downstream a whopping 440 feet, why bother) (You make it sound like the river has a choice) (Well, doesn’t it?) (I’m … speechless … ) (Okay then, moving on)

Did You Know:  (    ) (?) (I thought it, but I didn’t say it) (You’re so fucking weird) “DREAMT” is the only English word that ends with “MT” (No it’s not) (Yes it is) (No it’s not) (Name another one) (Another what?) (Another word that ends in MT) (Dreamt) (Besides Dreamt) (I don’t think there are any besides Dreamt) (That’s what I said) (No you didn’t) (Yes I did) (No you didn’t) (I’m not doing this) (See, I win) (That’s not what …) (Exemt) (There’s a “P” in it) (There’s no “P” in it, then it would be Pit) (No, there’s a “P” in Exempt) (Pexemt?  That’s not even a word.  Dude, just admit you don’t have a fucking clue what you are even talking about, do you?)  (Nope.  Not anymore)

 

April and I got kicking around living wills the other day.  She got me to sign one.

You know what a living will is, don’t you?  It’s a document that gives her the legal right, if I become attached to some mechanical device, to terminate my life.

So, yesterday, I’m on the exercise bike and …

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

The New Uber Drivers

So, I just figured out 2020 and it’s pretty obvious what happened … “Baby Shark” is an ancient chant that opens a portal to hell.

Do…do…do…do…do…do…

So, it turns out that being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.

I miss the 90s when bread was still good for you, and no one knew what kale was.

If you see me talking to myself,

I’m having a staff meeting.

Bozo criminals for this morning come from Larch Barrens, Maryland where police interrupted a robbery in progress at a local grocery store. The bozos had broken in and were hard at work trying to get into the safe when police arrived. It would have been a long time before the bozos got into the safe with the tool they were using. They had stolen a lazer tag gun from a local amusement center and, thinking the gun was an actual laser, they were shining the light on the safe, waiting for the laser to cut through the metal and open the safe.

Can you say it with me?

Ever wonder why you don’t send cash through the mail?  Because it’s not safe nor secure!  Which is exactly why you shouldn’t vote by mail.

Did You know;  (No I …)  (Just stop!)  (Damn … touchy)  A fast-food burger may contain meat from as many as cows!  (No way!)  (Way)  (Do you realize how big that burger would have to be if they used that many cows!)  (They don’t use the whole cow … oh never mind.)

When I go to the casino, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says, “If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER.”

So, I call them and say, “I have an ace and a six.  The dealer is showing a seven.  What do I do?”

I’m normally pretty quiet…

One day a guy calls a lawyer and asks how much he charges for a consultation.

The lawyer says he’ll answer three questions for $350.

“That’s kinda steep, isn’t it?” the guy asks.

“Yes,” the lawyer responded. “Now what’s your third question?”

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

Sadly, I do my best proofreading after I hit send.

Did I tell you that my old range is now supposed to be picked up on Saturday?  What a cluster … I’m so sick and tired of this mess.  It’s now 730 Friday night and I’m still waiting for the call from New Jersey that is supposed to tell me what time they are going to be here tomorrow to pick it up.  I’m not overly concerned yet since last time I didn’t get the call to tell me what time they were going to drop it off until about 830.  No.  Some people don’t go to bed early because they have to be up at 5 am to go to fucking work in the morning.

Customer Service?  You can’t even fucking spell customer service!

Couple more than I need to get ready to call it a night.

Although … ending on a great pic of Kay Perry’s tits is pretty tempting … nah … then what’s in it for the girls?

LMFMO = Laughing My Fucking Mask Off

Apparently, referring to latex gloves as Corona Condoms at work is frowned upon.

And that is where we’re going to call it an issue.  Until Monday my dear friends.  Be well, be happy, be safe.

Be Loved.

Impish

Good Morning Campers,

As I’m writing this, I’m waiting for the delivery drivers to arrive to bring our range and to finally put our cave back together again after almost two months after the lightning EMP that put such a huge crimp in our summer.  Got a recorded call last night that said they would be here between 8 am and noon today.  I guess Lowes has changed their delivery service.  So, we got our refrigerator under the old contract and the range under the new one.  And I already told you how pleased we were with the guys who delivered the fridge … so far I’m not happy with the range service.  A recorded call is not very personable.  Giving me a 4 hour window instead of a two hour one.  And then not even calling me at a decent hour.  I got the call at like 830 last night.  To me, that’s a bit late to be making calls to schedule deliveries.  But, we’ll see how it goes.

In the mean time, let’s get on with the laughter, shall we?

I heard the government is putting chips inside of people.  I hope I get Doritos.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gordon Galbraith for sending in today’s report. From Robbinsdale, Minnesota comes the story of bozo Paul Harris who walked into a pawn shop with several power tools he had just stolen and asked for cash for them. The man behind the counter took a look at the tools and thought, “These are pretty nice. I’ve got one just like that…and that…and that!” Finally it dawned on him-he was looking at his own tools. The bozo had broken into the pawnbroker’s house, stolen his tools, and, as fate would have it, brought those tools to his shop to pawn them. The pawnbroker called the cops who detained our bozo on a previous warrant while he hurried home to confirm that those were indeed his tools. They were. The bozo was arrested

Okay, so what are the odds?

Did You Know: (No I didn’t) (I haven’t said anything yet) (Oh, sorry) (‘s alright) During the 1957 Flu Pandemic, hundreds of thousands of fertilized chicken eggs were required each day to produce the vaccine! (No I didn’t) (Never mind)

Starting baby off right.

Did You Know: (No I didn’t) (Is this going to become a thing now?) (Not any More) The Filet-O-Fish has been on the McDonald’s menu longer than the Big Mac! (No I … never mind…)

…

…

Dammit!!

Therapist: [over the phone] How have you been coping?

Me: [quietly carving tiny swords to help the squirrels in their war against the birds] Oh, you know – just keeping busy.

Guess what happens when you’re offended?
Nothing!  That’s it!
Now be an adult and move on.

Did you hear about the painter who is hospitalized?
Reports say it was due to too many strokes.

What happens if life gives you melons?
You’re dyslexic

What did the blanket say to bed?
Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!

Why do you take a pencil to bed?
To draw the curtains.

What do you call a frozen dog?
A pupsicle.

What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I’ll hang around.

What goes through towns, up and over hills, but doesn’t move?
The road!

Why did the crossed eye teacher lose her job?
Because she couldn’t control her pupils.

What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A Clausterphobic.

What three candies can you find at every school?
Nerds, DumDums and Smarties.

What stays in the corner but travels all over the world?
A stamp.

What do you call a man with nobody and just a nose?
Nobody nose.

Why did the computer go to the doctor?
Because it had a virus!

Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
It’s dread-full.

And so were those puns!!!!!

May I add, Fuck you, you stupid bitch. 

It annoys the shit out of me, when ignorant, privileged snowflakes say something like that that casts aspersions on people that gave up EVERYTHING in order for them to be able to say such stupid shit.  You aren’t good enough to clean those men’s shoes.
Dumb ass.

And here’s another one who’s not worthy to wipe the ass of any of the boots coming out of basic training.  Why is anyone listening to a word him or any of his athlete buddies is saying. 

YOU DO NOT KNEEL FOR MY NATIONAL ANTHEM.  PERIOD!!

Are there too many illegal aliens in the United States?

YES                              22%
NO                                17%
NO COMPRENDE      61%

Went to the bathroom without my phone.  There’s 118 floor tiles and the longest word on a Shampoo bottle is “methylchloroisothiazolinone”

My therapist told me, “Write letters to the people you hate, then burn them.”  I did that, but now I don’t know what to do with all the letters.

Joe:  Why don’t you play golf with Bob any more?

Mike:  Would you play with someone who curses after each shot, cheats in the bunkers, and enters false scores on his card?

Joe:  No!

Mike:  Neither will Bob.

Well, 10 am and still no range.  I could’ve slept in this morning … gotten a couple of hours of work in at the job, not wasted leave time … but then again, I did get to spend the time with you guys and I have had a chance to laugh quite a bit.  But right now it’s time to stretch the legs, get some more go juice and then if I still haven’t heard anything thing, I guess I’ll come back and keep laughing with my favorite campers.

God, that is so wrong!

Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and says, “You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn’t agree with me!”

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen.  He asked her about it.

“This is the Masterson diamond,” she said.  “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”

“What’s the curse?” the man asked.

“Mr. Masterson.”

What a cluster fuck!  Like six monkeys fucking a football.  So the Range showed up at about 1230, I showed the guys the old range that they needed to take away and the first question they asked was, “Is it disconnected?” and I said, “No. You guys said you couldn’t hook up the new range because it’s gas and the whole liability thing, but no one said anything about not being able to disconnect the old range.”

“We can’t disconnect the old range.  We don’t even have any tools.”

Long story short, I didn’t have a wrench big enough to disconnect the old range.  So the guys dropped the new range and took off.  I called the appliance guy that I was going to have hook up the new range and asked him to come over and disconnect the old range and hook up the new range, but now the old range is still sitting in my dining room.  And I’ve been playing Jolly-fuck-around trying to get them to come and pick it up (today is now Wednesday).

They wouldn’t return my call last night.  They haven’t returned my call this morning.  I spoke with the manager this morning and he said that I am scheduled to be picked up today and they would call me with a time … that was three hours ago.  I really like the products, but the delivery service sucks.

So, Mrs. Dragon and I ran out early this morning, leaving Izzy Dragon at home in case they showed up, and got our blood draws out of the way and now they can go and do what they need to do while I wait on them to pick up the old range.  And I’ll bet dollars to donuts that it’s not until late this afternoon or this evening before they show.

So, let’s get back to the issue before I get even more pissed off than I already am.

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up.

Which I did not appreciate.

Christopher Columbus died in 1506.  If he’s ruining your happiness in 2020 you need to seek therapy.

And under the category of “How’s that again…?”

You can say “please” and “thank you” a million times and your toddler will never repeat it, but if you say “ass-faced mother fucker” ONCE …

Said in Bill Murray’s voice from Caddy Shack.

The only time it’s good to yell “I HAVE DIARRHEA” is when you’re playing Scrabble because it’s worth a shitload of points.

Thank You For Your Service!

Next week has been exhausting.

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who should’ve taken a nap, but didn’t take a nap, and just got triggered by something that makes absolutely no sense.

Every teenager needs to see the above cartoon and see it for what it really is.

Mice die in mouse traps because they do not understand why the cheese is free.

The same thing happens with SOCIALISM.

They say sniffing Rosemary will improve your memory.  I sniffed Rosemary once.  She hit me.  I don’t remember anything after that.

Marriage Tip #2:  When your wife is mowing the lawn, that’s not the best time to ask when dinner will be ready.

Instructor:  Welcome to salsa class!  Who’s ready to learn how to dance?

Me:  [hiding a bag of tortilla chips] There’s been a misunderstanding.

Got this one from Bill G …

William G

I think that someone somewhere might think that this is as funny as I did:
Ethel runs over to a co-worker: “Did you tell Helen that I was a bitch?”
“No I did not! I wonder how she found out?”

All the best.
Bill

And yup … I found it funny, too.  So we’re both equally cracked, Bill.

And to be fair, I’ve been called out three times now on one of the memes about Obama not attending the funeral for the General … here’s the “truth” according to Snopes.

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/greene-report/

Thanks to all of you who sent this in and thanks for keeping me straight.

Yeah, I’d slap him.

Oh my … okay, and with that, I think I have to call it an issue.  Still waiting for the pick up guys.  I guess you’ll find out on Saturday how it all works out.  Until then, keep smiling and keep loving each other.

Cheers,

Good Morning Campers,

Welcome to Monday.  It’s got to be the very worst day of the week.  I am really beginning to hate Mondays.  They come around way too quickly after Fridays.  Especially on weekends when I have to teach class…like this one.  And what a class it was.  A whole class of new people, never having had the class before.  Quite interesting.  And long.

So, that was Saturday.  I’ll tell you about Sunday when it happens.  And Tuesday my new Range is supposed to be here, so there’s that….

Between now and then …

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies.  Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”

Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.  When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!

I was so traumatized I couldn’t sleep properly.  I had terrible nightmares.  I was terrified of being alone.  I couldn’t sleep without a night light for many years.

I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.  It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.

Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.

The dead bastard had a twin.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Paddy said to Mick:  “My wife left me last week, she said she was going for milk and never came back.”

Mick says:  “Oh Paddy, how are you coping?”

Paddy:  “Not bad.  I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff.”

Are we still calling it white bread?  Or did that change, too?

You’ve already put up your Christmas tree?

That’s nothing!

I’m already drunk for St. Patrick’s Day.

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in a body that doesn’t.

Listen To Your Lawyer
Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor,”You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can.”
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, “You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was so guilty, so I told him to split.”

Did You Know:  (Well, this has been a long time …)  (Yeah, well shut up and listen)  (Wow, attitude …)  The North Star is between 323 and 521 light-years away from earth, meaning the light we see from the star was emitted sometime between 1499 and 1697.  (Okay, so that was pretty cool)  (Yes it was, now back off.)  (Wow, dude …what the hell?  We need to talk.)  (Hey, I get paid by the “Did You Know” and they’ve been few and far between.  I’ve got kids to feed and my mother-in-law has been living with us since this whole COVID thing has started up and … ) (Yeah, yeah, I get it.  I’ll talk to the editor.  We’ll get it worked out)

Did You Know: (Welcome back) (Thanks bro) Prince played 27 different instruments on his debut album.  (Cool!  I did not know that.)  (I know, right.)

Did You Know:  (Hey!  There you are again!)  (My family thanks you!)  About three-quarters of all volcanic eruptions occur underwater.  (Um … we’re reaching a little here)  (Yeah, we are)

And THAT is the call of the dragon!!

Every time we try to eat healthy, along comes Christmas, Easter, summer, Friday, or Tuesday and ruins it for us.

My wife has asked me to help her with her diet …

So I’ve hidden her teeth!

That has been my problem far too many times.

Enough of that, let’s do some of this…

I’m in!  It’s bound to work!

My generation’s zombies didn’t run.  They walked.  Uphill.  In the snow.  They ate what brains they could find and they liked it.

Yeah, I’m working my way up to that level right now.  Can’t cross my legs yet.

Got an email from Joe L. in Beesley’s Point, NJ.  It came in at 3:26 am on Saturday morning and he explains why …

Impish,

Just finished reading the latest issue at 3am.

My wife couldn’t find her car keys at 1:15am when she finished work in Ocean City, NJ. I had to shake the cobwebs and bring her my key. OC is a 20 minute ride from Beesley’s Point. Slow going thanks to the 25mph speed limit and traffic light.

But once I returned home I was wide awake. Seeing your new issue gave me a reason to stay up awhile and not attempt to fall back to sleep.

Bummer……Now I won’t have anything good to read tomorrow. Oh well, I can read this issue again.

Thanks for entertaining me in the middle of the night.

Wait….that doesn’t sound quite right.

…Joe in Beesley’s Point

———————————

Beesley’s Point is so small we don’t have a town drunk. We have to take turns.

Joe, since we are 747 miles and/or 10 hours and 50 minutes away from each other, I don’t mind if you say I entertained you in the middle of the night.  Yeah, I looked it up on Google maps.  I noticed you said traffic light – singular – is there only the one?  And I thought I lived in a small town.  But, I’m glad I could entertain you…middle of the night or not.

I’d almost rather have those kinds of directions than the kind you get around here.  There’s a lot of people that have been here for generations and you things like, “You gotta turn left where the old Smith farm burned down in the 50s”

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bound Brook, New Jersey where bozo Brendan Snider had a rather busy day when he broke into a residence early the other morning. First he went into the kitchen and cooked himself some sausages. He then ransacked a downstairs bedroom, finding a pair of jeans he liked and putting them on. He then went out into the backyard and lit the grill to cook a couple of steaks he had found in the refrigerator. While the grill was warming up he went upstairs and awoke the family’s daughter while he was rummaging around her bedroom. He apologized for waking her, introduced himself and locked himself in the bathroom where he proceeded to take a shower. The daughter then awoke her parents who confronted our bozo behind the locked bathroom door. The bozo replied, “I’m taking a shower. I’ll be out in a few minutes.” The cops were waiting when he finished his shower.

Would it surprise you if I said it doesn’t surprise me to hear he’s from NJ?

Did You know: (He’s Back!) (Rollin’ In it!) Richard Cadbury invented the first heart-shaped box of chocolates in 1861.  (I like his eggs better) (I know, right)

Someone made up dinosaur sounds without ever hearing them.

Well, let’s go read some comments before we run out of time, shall we?

EdR

Regarding your commissary story.. saw that in the Commissary in Newport RI when I was in OCS. Woman barged in to the front of the line next to the one I was in, with “I’m Mrs. LT So-and-So”. Middle aged woman from two lines over came up, said to her “I’m not ‘Mrs Admiral Johnson’, I’m just Mrs. Johnson. My husband Admiral Johnson and I will see you and your husband for dinner tonight at . Eight o’clock, don’t be late.” Then she walked back to her grocery cart. Mrs. LT So-and-So’s face went pale. Then she moved to the back of the line. I would loved to have been a fly on the wall at that dinner.

You and me both Ed!  Hell, I’d have paid good money to wait the table and served the dinner!

Stephanie

Please express my prayers to Paul. I cannot imagine being without my other half.
In regard to census, yes dome of the questions are idiotic, but sadly are many people. Because of those who claim there’s more than 2 sexes, they must ask.
Please be nice. Stan is one of the workers.

I told Paul that all of us express our deepest condolences.  He said that Dragon Laffs was one of the things that Ginny missed doing and reading the most.

LOL!  We’ll all be nice to Stan if he shows up at the door, but other than that …

Seems lots of people had stories about or felt strongly about my commissary story…

Leah D.

At Fort Hood, she didn’t crowd in, but loudly proclaimed that being an officer’s wife, she shouldn’t have to wait in lines. I was ahead of her, turned, said “You’re an officer’s wife?” Saluted her and turned back around.

Dave

The window sticker – You will address me by my husband’s rank.
That would be . . . second class!

That is one thing with working with the Reserves, even on a full-time basis, I don’t interact with the spouses much, but when I do, they seem to be a bit … tightened up, maybe that’s the right way to put it.  They have their shit together.

Maggie

Impish,
A great issue!! It was sad to read about Ginny, I am sure she will be greatly missed.
I hope that you and Mrs Dragon and Izzy are all doing well and staying safe.
Maggie

Thanks Maggie.  We are doing okay.  Can’t complain.  Only cause it doesn’t do a damn bit of good, anyway.  Thanks for saying nice things about the issue, and for asking about us.  And yeah, Ginny will be missed.

Leah D.

WOW! This issue was like an anniversary celebratory one! So Round, So Firm, So Fully Packed!

Leah, I feel sexy now!  Dang girl.  Chicka wow-wow!

Think About This:

Condoms are made by humans, for humans, to prevent humans.

I before E

Except when you foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.

Weird

An American success story .

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.  He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.  One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director: – What do you think about the situation in the stock market? The Director asks in turn arrogantly:  – Why are you so interested in that – that topic?

“I have a million dollars in your bank,” the shoeshine says, “and I’m considering investing some of the money in the capital market.”

– What is your name?  –Asks the Director.

– John H. Smith.

The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager – Do we have a client named John H. Smith ?

– Certainly –answers the Customer Service Manager–, he is a highly esteemed customer.  He has a million dollars in his account.

The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says:  – Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life.  I am sure we will have something to learn from you.

At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members:

– We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner;  But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account.  I invited him to tell us the story of his life.  I am sure we can learn from him.

Mr. Smith began his story:- I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name.  I got off the ship without a penny.  The first thing I did was change my name to Smith.  I was hungry and exhausted.  I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail.  Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk.  I bought an apple.  I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business.  I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money.  I also sold them and continued in business.  When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.  I didn’t spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive.  I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele.  I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny.  After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients.  I did not spend a penny on the joys of life.  I kept saving every penny.  A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.

Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars.

Mom:  If a stranger came up to you and said, “I’m your mom’s friend, she told me to pick you up.” What would you say?

Kid:  I’d say, “You’re lying.  My mom has no friends.”

Mom:  Not where I was going, but Ok.

Now that we know who the essential workers are, explain to me why Professional Athletes make so much more money if they are basically useless when it matters.

And just before we close, here’s me in my new mask…

I don’t know if I like this one as much as the last one or not.  What do you guys think?

And in conclusion…

Good Morning Campers,

Welcome to the weekend.  You guys are reading this and I am teaching class.  Another wonderful weekend for yours truly.  But, that is part of the job.  The best part of the job, but man … I need a break!  Geez.  I’m getting too old for this stuff.  This is a young persons gig, it truly is.

Anyway, not much to report.  Been a buys week.  Everybody wants something, it seems.  Not sure why, but it seems like a lot of things are all coming to a head at the same time, I guess we’ll figure it out as it comes up. 

We live in exciting times.

So, let’s get some laughs in before it all goes to hell in a hand basket.

Oh my Gawd, what the fuck is that!?

Shipped 10,600 miles to be packed and then shipped another 9,000 miles to be sold.  You gotta wonder if there ain’t a better way.

 

Gee … I wonder what changed?  Maybe the political climate?

Imagine if trees gave off Wi-Fi signals, we would be planting so many trees and we’d probably save the planet too.

Too bad they only produce oxygen we breathe.

Man named Harold; and a president named     Barack.

This summarizes how most liberals view the US military:

 

Harold was a bright child.  He grew up in  America.  He went to school and had a bright future ahead of him.  Harold was full of life but was cut short in a violent moment.  While few people had ever heard of Harold before his death, many did afterward  And in death, something very shocking happened.  What was so shocking, especially when it is compared to the death of someone else recently in the news?   
    
Harold was Harold Greene, Major General, United States Army.  On Aug. 5, 2014, Major General Greene was killed by a Taliban terrorist.   
    
He was returned to America with full military honors.   
    
It has been a tradition that the president attends the funeral of General and Flag officers killed in the line of duty.

Richard Nixon attended the funeral of a Major General Casey killed in Vietnam and George W. Bush attended the funeral of Lieutenant General Timothy Maude, who was killed in the 9/11 attacks.   
    
While Major General Greene was buried, Barack Obama was golfing.  The Vice President wasn’t there either.  Neither was the Secretary of Defense.         
Flags were not even lowered half-mast.   
    
Four days after Harold Greene gave his life for America, Michael Brown was killed in Ferguson, Missouri.   
    
Brown was at best a young thug.  In the minutes before his death, he committed a robbery at a local convenience store.  According to other reports, Brown struck Officer Darren Wilson and shattered his orbital bone.  Obama sent a three-person delegation to Brown’s funeral!   
    
Neither Obama nor Biden would attend the funeral of the highest ranking military officer killed in the line of duty since 9/11, yet he sent a delegation to the funeral of a thug.   
    
When Margaret Thatcher, one of America’s staunchest allies and Ronald Reagan’s partner in bringing down Soviet communism died, Obama sent only a small low-level delegation to her funeral.  The snub was not missed by the British.   
    
When Chris Kyle, the most lethal American sniper in history was murdered, there was no expression of sympathy from the White House.   
    
But when Whitney Houston died from drug overdose, the Obama/Biden administration ordered all flags be flown at half-mast.   
    
There was no White House delegation at the funeral of an American hero.  American heroes die and Obama goes to the golf course.   
    
A thug dies and he gets a White House delegation.   
    
No wonder most “REAL” Americans hold Obama in such contempt, especially members of our Military.

And Biden is now expounding on how great the Obama/Biden administration was.   
    
Stand up for the “Harold’s” in America.   

These are the kinds of things we need to keep in mind when we vote in November. 

A Professor was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscular Contractions” to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

H pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, “Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”

She replied, “Probably deer hunting or playing golf with his buddies.”

Many of you may remember Ginny K. and her husband Paul and many of you may have noticed that we haven’t heard anything from dear Ginny for a long time.  Well, Ginny has been ill since about October and we had been hoping and praying that she would get better.  She had some ups and downs but went down hill and to make a long story short, I heard from Paul today, Thursday, that our dear friend and very long time fellow camper Ginny passed away on Monday.  Ginny has been a dear, dear friend and has been following Dragon Laffs for about as long as Dragon Laffs has been around.  She has contributed so many cartoons and pictures, I’m sure I still have many of them in rotation to send to you guys. 

It is such a strange world we live in.  Another loved soul whom I never met in the real world, probably never came within a thousand miles of, but touched my heart, made a difference in my life and I will miss till the end of my days.

It only makes me want to take the  opportunity to tell each and everyone of you how important you all are to me. 

The Casinos are now offering curbside pickup.  Call ahead and they come out and take your money right from your car.

Okay, this next set is a bunch of really fucked up signs.  Some of them are from Aussie Pete … and some of them are from other places.  But all of them are pretty screwed up … you’ll see.

This one should be near my cave …. but isn’t.

This one is wrong … and from Pete.

… Aussie Pete …

… Pete…

Not Pete, but still really screwed up.

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.

Still, a few fireflies followed us in.

Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “it’s too late grandpa, the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

“Lead me not into TEMPTATION …”

Oh, who am I kidding?  Follow me, I know a shortcut.

Someone needs to sit this kid in the corner, take away her cell phone and ground her for a month until she learns her place.  Who the hell is listening to her, anyway?

Whoever decided a liquor store is more essential than a Hair Salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic!

And what’s wrong with bald-headed alcoholics?!

Be good to your spouse, remember, right now they could poison you and it would be counted as a COVID death.

I’m going to stay up on New Year’s Eve this year.  Not to see the New Year in, but to make damn sure this one leaves.

It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to pick one of your own.

I know that now.

Got a great letter from Tom J. that I just have to share with the rest of you.  I think you will probably laugh just as hard as I did.

Hi Impish, I hope you are getting along well with your new fridge. I’m wondering if the census people have been to your cave yet, or If they still count dragons? I also wonder if the same questions are asked everywhere across the “FRUIT FILLED PLAINS” !  They stopped showing up after I ate the last couple that showed up.  It works for dragons, not sure it works for people.  Now I just get the form in the mail.

I was having a nice, peaceful time under the shade trees waxing my car when I got interrupted by a census taker today. It didn’t go well and my attitude was partly to blame, but for crying in the beard, I just don’t get it.

After the introduction and badge presentation and all the signs in her car windows etc. I knew she was not going to rape me or rob me. I asked why I couldn’t do this by mail like I always did before? She said they need to get it done right away and because of Covid, the mail is too slow.  I don’t think she liked my response. “The mail is too slow to do the census but the nation is going to be forced to VOTE by mail because of Covid?” She said something about needing to do this or others would come to do it until it was done. Blah, blah, I knew that so I said, “What do you want to know?”  Hmm, see my comment above.  Mail seems to be good enough for dragons.

The first question was; “Are you at least 15 years old or older?” I said, “Lady, if you have to ask that you need help and shouldn’t be allowed to drive a car. This is not going to work!” (I’m 65) 

Some questions were normal and I answered them but too many were just plain shit. She wanted to know my gender and had to put down that I refused to answer. BECAUSE I DID. And the same for my wife. Other stupid questions got bad answers and she knew I was pissed. Then the real “killer question” was; “Did you live somewhere else before you lived here?” 

I thought, what the Fuck is wrong with this person? I said, “No, I never lived anywhere before this. I was born here three years after my mother died and I never knew her.” That ended the interview and she said I would probably be contacted again. If you think I’m making this up, you are wrong. It’s just pitiful what goes on and so many people go along with it. I DON’T!

Thank You for your time,

Tom

That is way too funny.  Did you live somewhere before you lived here?  Like a cop asking, “Have you stopped beating your wife?  It’s a yes or no question.”

Never, ever underestimate the power of human stupidity.

Of course not.

That’s alright, go get Biden, he’ll buy it!

Leah sent the last cartoon and immediately writes …

That ‘toon reminded me . . . I have to tell you a story that took place back in the early 70’s.

It was so hot!  Too hot to sleep, even though we had the windows wide open, along with everyone else in the circle we lived on.

Definitely too hot for sex . . .

Then there was this noise of squeaking . . .  I asked my husband, “who do you think that is?”  It goes on and on, along with a slight breeze, and soon the pictures in our mind . . . well, you know.

The next day or so, I’m in my backyard, with a neighbor, when that squeaking starts again . . . only now we see it is the swing set!

I laugh, and tell my neighbor how we wondered if it was their bed squeaking.  She laughed, said she and another neighbor thought it was ours.

I didn’t have any car oil, WD-40, nothing, so greased it quiet with shortening.

Three babies were born 9 months later, they were real swinging kids!

 

 

Stepping on Legos isn’t as bad as everyone says it is.  It actually brought me joy and laughter after my husband did it.

Sent my wife nudes and she made me a doctors appointment.

Tom H writes in the comments …

TOM H

Am I wrong or did Harry and Megan say they would never set foot in the United States as long as Trump was President?

You may be right Tom.  I did find a sleazy showbiz article from May that said that Meghan Markle said she would never live in the United States if Trump were President.  Not sure if that counts or not.  I did like her on “Suits” but really have very little interest in the Royals other than they tend to have castles with gold that line my caves quite well.

 

That is one strong friggin’ fly!

Portland cops handcuff female protester, get asked if female cop is there for pat-down.  Male officer quips, “How do you know that I don’t identify as a female?”

I can see that.  I’d leave a small tip and a lousy review.

Hey!  Me, too!  What are the odds?!

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them three inches to the left.

That ain’t right and it ain’t funny.

We used to have these ladies cut in line at the Commissary on base and throw their noses in the air and say something like, “My husband’s a Colonel.” like that gave them permission to cut the line.  And most of the ladies in line back then didn’t want to get their husbands in trouble and would keep their mouth’s shut.  Not my first wife.  She saw what was going on, took her little Jersey ass right up to that old battle axe and told her with that thick old Jersey accent, and said “Look, Bitch, my husband is an Airman and he ain’t here, but this Jersey girl will kick your fat ass, if you don’t move it to the back of the line, which is THAT way!”
And she did.

This is what happens when your child is exposed to too many commercials on TV.

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon.  During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.  Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking is dangerous.  Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand …

The pastor called on him and the little boy said, “I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

And that’s if for today my friends.  I hope you all have a great rest of your weekend.  May God smile upon and bless you.

Cheers!

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Thursday.  Almost the weekend.  And the header above has clues to what yesterday was.  Yesterday was the 12th of August and it was … are you ready?  National Creamsicle day! 

NATIONAL CREAMSICLE DAY

National Creamsicle Day on August 14th celebrates the creamy citrus dessert on a stick. During the height of summer, what better way to enjoy refreshment than with a creamsicle!

“Creamsicle” is the brand name of an ice cream treat.  It consists of vanilla ice cream on a Popsicle stick with an outer coating of sherbert. While many other flavors now exist, the original flavor was orange. 

Today, recipes abound with creamsicle flavors. From beverages to desserts, the flavor has long been a favorite.

An 11-year-old Frank Epperson inspired the creation when he invented the original popsicle back in 1905. After mixing up a powdered soda, he left the beverage overnight with the stirring stick in it. Temperatures dropped unusually low that night and the next morning, Epperson found the liquid frozen on the stick. He dubbed the creation the Epsicle. Sometime later, he changed the name to Popsicle.

Several generations have enjoyed the fruity, frozen treats and they continue to do so!

So, come on!  Who doesn’t love a creamsicle on a hot day? Anyone?  EVERYONE!  Okay, okay… so that’s way too much about creamsicles.  So, instead…

Y’all ever be at work for 5 hours and check the clock and it’s been 46 minutes?

I came home and my dog peed a little because he was happy to see me.  None of my friends pee when they see me.  I’m surrounded by fakes.

The war on drugs brought in more drugs and the war on terror created more terrorists.  Maybe next year we can have a war on money and jobs and see where it goes.

Don’t forget, tonight the Moon will be visible from Earth.  The last time this happened was last night.

A RETIREE’S LAST TRIP TO KROGER’S.

 

Yesterday I was at my local   Kroger’s buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

What did she think..I had an elephant?

 

So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. 

 

Kroger’s won’t let me shop there anymore.

 

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

 

Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends..

 

Bozo criminal for today violated bozo Rule #0023: For obvious reasons, donut shops are not the best places to rob. bozo Antoine Cook of Chicago learned this the hard way. Our bozo was standing in line at the neighborhood Dunkin’ Donuts and when it came time to place his order he pulled a gun from his waistband and ordered the clerk to “Give it up!” The next thing our bozo knew he had been grabbed and wrestled to the ground. That’s because standing directly behind him in line at the donut shop was a Chicago police officer. He’s been charged with attempted robbery and assault on a police officer.

Donut shops are the safest places in the world.  And they will be until we defund the police.