Dragon Laffs

Good Thursday Morning Campers,

Another one of those weeks.  But next week looks better.  Yeah, I keep telling myself that, let’s hope that one of these weeks I’m right.  Got an exercise planned for this week, a special training session planned for Saturday and then classes all weekend long.  I’m working all week, all weekend, and all next week.  But, by NEXT weekend, I’ll hopefully be taking a long weekend … if I’m still alive by then.  I guess we’ll see when we get there.  In the mean time, this one is full of stuff to do.  Doctor’s appointments, eye appointments, dentist appointments, … shesh.  When am I supposed to sleep? 

Don’t say it!!!!!!

Let’s laugh instead, shall we?

Here’s a road I wouldn’t want to live on.  Hey, give me your address and I’ll come pick you up … I live on Butthole Lane.

Yeah, that would be the expected reaction.

Papa Dragon Most Senior sent this one in:

And he’s damn right! 

I want to share w/ you an exclusive excerpt from my book “Speaking for Myself” – now available at SpeakingForMyself.com – about my Christmas trip to Iraq with the president: “Nearly twelve hours later in the pitch-black of the night, with no lights on the plane or the runway, we landed at Al Asad Airbase in the war-torn Anbar province of western Iraq. We quickly unloaded into vehicles and as we drove away and looked back Air Force One was barely visible in the desert darkness.
The president and first lady entered the dining hall filled with a hodgepodge of Christmas decorations. Hundreds of troops had gathered, thinking they were about to be joined for dinner by some of the generals leading the battle against ISIS. Instead, they got their commander in chief. The room erupted. The men and women of our armed forces were spending Christmas away from their families and instead spending it with the First Family.
The president and first lady went by each table individually thanking the troops and wished them a Merry Christmas. A member of the US Army told the president he rejoined the military because of him, and the president said, “And I am here because of you.” When the president moved to the next table, the soldier walked over to me and said, “Thank you, Sarah. I love the way you handle yourself. You have a tough job.”
I politely corrected him and said, “Thank you, but what I do is nothing compared to the sacrifice you make. You’re halfway around the world risking your life for the rest of us. That’s a tough job.”
The US Army soldier silently reached up, tore the Brave Rifles patch representing the 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment from his arm, and handed it to me. “We’re in this together. It’s an honor to meet you.”
Overwhelmed with emotion and speechless, I just hugged him. I probably held on for longer than I should have, and walked away with tears in my eyes more grateful than ever for the brave men and women of our armed forces. Their selfless sacrifice represents the best of America. I still can’t think about this night and not feel the tears well up, and it’s a memory I will cherish for the rest of my life

Sarah Huckabee Sanders – White House Press Secretary under President Donald Trump from 2017 to 2019 – Amen Sister.

I knew I matured when I realized that every situation doesn’t require a reaction.  Sometimes you just gotta leave people to do the lame shit their going to do.

And laugh to yourself.

We have a rare Bozo case today. Both a Bozo criminal and perhaps even a Bozo judge. Here’s the story. 41 year old Francis Glancy of Pittsburgh was held on trial on drunk driving charges after he crashed his bicycle on his way home from a local bar. The bozo could avoid trial and have his record cleaned if he would attend alcohol rehabilitation classes and would agree to have his drivers license suspended for 30 days. The catch is the bozo does not have a drivers license and does not want one. The judge disagreed and ordered him to take a test to get a drivers license just so he could then suspend it.

Ummm…. how’s that again?

 

If Pelosi is the Wicked Witch of the West, this is her evil Step Sister from the East, someone just needs to drop a fucking house on her ass! 

Remember a few years ago when TV undercover journalists exposed that Planned Parenthood was selling aborted baby body parts ( A felony), and the California attorney general prosecuted the journalists and never did anything against Planned Parenthood?

That attorney general was Kamala Harris.

This Bitch be Hillary Level Evil!

This might be the most important vote since the one in 1776.

Well, I got through Thursday, thanks for all your prayers and good wishes, even if you didn’t know you were giving them!  All went well with the exercise.  Now … if I can get through my eye surgery tomorrow and this weekend.  Which reminds me … depending on my eye surgery tomorrow and how “non-evasive” it is, there may or may not be an issue on Saturday.  Fair warning. 

I don’t feel like I’m getting older … it’s more like my warranty has expired and my parts are wearing out.

Here’s one for the books …

Daily black licorice habit kills Massachusetts construction worker.

Sept. 24, 2020, 1:25 AM EDT

By The Associated Press

A Massachusetts construction worker’s love of black licorice wound up costing him his life. Eating a bag and a half every day for a few weeks threw his nutrients out of whack and caused the 54-year-old man’s heart to stop, doctors reported Wednesday.

“Even a small amount of licorice you eat can increase your blood pressure a little bit,” said Dr. Neel Butala, a cardiologist at Massachusetts General Hospital who described the case in the New England Journal of Medicine.

Here’s the rest of the story here … https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/daily-black-licorice-habit-kills-massachusetts-construction-worker-n1240902

And I’m a big fan … but not anymore.  Gonna stay away.

That is the honest truth.  Life is what you make of it.

Amen!  Which is why God invented coffee!  How do I know God invented coffee?  Just think about if for a minute or two and you’ll get it.

Now, Stephanie sent this to me, with the following line …

A protocol error. Doesn’t surprise me.

Okay, I get that there’s nothing secure about Dragon Laffs and that we are occasionally invalid … but a protocol error?  Really?  I think your server wouldn’t know proper fucking protocol if it sat up and bit you on your sweet round ass!  How’s that protocol for you!?! 
Okay, that was fun!  What else can we make fun of???

Well, the very next email offers the very next opportunity!!!

Stephanie sends us a bit o’ poetry…

Ode to the Penis

I’ll tell you a short poem; I’ll try to make it quick.
You might think it quite harmless; You might well find it sick.
The subject is quite simple: The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things; You ladies should be jealous.
Ever since the early days, When it was small and hairless;
I’ve looked upon that bit of flesh, As something very precious.

It starts to grow dramatically, When you’re about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side; Your willy in between.
When erect it’s quite a sight; A purple love machine.

It dangles neatly down below; Obedient and loyal.
Its seeds are hidden well within; Awaiting some fresh soil.
At the slightest hint of lust, It’s ready to uncoil.

It has a mind all of its own; It’s like a wild beast.
It squirms and writhes and stretches out; When you expect it least.
You can’t control its energy; You must wait ’til it’s ceased.

Handle it with love and care; For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend? And when did you last measure?
Still, no matter what its length; It’s something you should treasure.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves; Erecting when it shouldn’t.
A bumpy train ride sets it off; Just when you wish it wouldn’t.
Did that lady notice it? You blush and hope she couldn’t.

Some people fret about its size; They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough? It makes blokes quite distraught.
They peek across in public loos, And try not to get caught.

Masturbating is a sin; That’s what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives’ tales; Outdated and naive.
And if you’re feeling tense or stressed, A quick wank does relieve.

Without this fabulous device, No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best; But must admit defeat.
And what a handy tool it is, When one needs to excrete.

The penis is quite marvelous; It has so many uses.
For women it is special too; Excitement it induces.
And babies can be procreated, From its sperm-filled juices.

And always it remains with you; Until you’re old and frail.
Don’t take it out in public though, Or you’ll be thrown in jail.
Just look at it and feel proud; And thank the lord you’re  male.

Finger snaps!

And about this one Stephanie says …

And some think romance is dead.

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their Seventies when they got married.
They had to wait for Millard’s mother to pass away first.
Back in those days there was no hanky panky before  marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.
Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years.
However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it.
Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part.
Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her silk satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie.
She blushes just as red as her silk satin nightie. She is really concerned  about telling Chester about her heart condition.
In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mother’s. It is hanging there down to her belly button: gravity having taken it’s course over some sixty years.
He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more. Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him.
Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, “Chester I have acute angina.”
Chester says, “I sure hope so. Cuz you’ve shore got ugly tits.”

And I can see why she might think that.

I’m finished with Debbie!” Tom exclaimed to his friend.
“What did she do?” asked his buddy
“She broke down and told me she was bisexual.
“That bothers you that much?”
“Yeah!!! Who the hell wants to screw just twice a year???”

YAY, BROTHER!!!!!

And that is the mostest bloodiest perfectest place to end this one!!

I hope to see you all again sometime this weekend.

Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Monday.

Already.  I can’t believe it.  It just seems like yesterday it was Friday.  Wait.  … today is Saturday that I’m writing this, so it was just yesterday that it was Friday.  No wonder it seems like it.  I still have all day tomorrow off!!  Hot damn!  Woo Hoo!!

That means it’s time to laugh!!!!!!

Maybe my mom was right all those years ago.

Maybe I won’t be happy until someone loses an eye.

Maybe that’s what’s been missing.

Well played little 2 year old!  Well played.

Asked my wife if I could use toys during sex.  Should’ve seen her face when I rolled my hotwheels car across her titties…

Duct Tape ………… $2.00
Rope…………………$3.00
Blind Fold …………$1.50
Garbage Bags ……..$3.50
Look on cashiers face …….Priceless!

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 2020, 3500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new “feel” before they become extinct…

The salesman (a man wearing a Biden lapel pin, sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its “wonderful” options… and the seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership.

A really great salesman is one who can actually make his wife feel sorry for the girl who lost her panties and bra in his car.

A doctor and his wife were out walking when a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting halter top and skirt nodded hello from a nearby doorway.

“And who was that?” questioned the wife.

“Oh, just a young woman I know professionally,” said the doctor, reddening slightly.

I see,” said the wife.  “Your profession or hers?”

My longtime boarder was moving out, and I needed an advertisement posted at the local college.

A friend agreed to make one up on her computer and put it on the school’s bulletin board.

I went out of town for a couple of days, and when I got back, I found a number of strange messages on my answering machine.

Deciding I had better check out my ad, I went over to the college.  And there it was:  “Room and Broad, $400 a month.”

What do you never want to hear while having good sex?

Honey, I am home!

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.

“I suppose you’re going to tell me now that you’re waiting for ‘Mr. Right’,” he said dejectedly.

“That’s a silly old romantic notion,” laughed the coed.  “I’m just waiting for Mr. Big.”

There’s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it’s usually a prescription.

What kind of society do we live in where we have homelessness in the first place?

The woman said to her beautician as she sat down for her appointment, “When you’re finished with me, will my husband think I’m beautiful?”

“Maybe,” replied the beautician, “does he still drink a lot?”

“Mom!  He’s touching me!”

Yeah … I’d really be interested in knowing too.

Early Retirement Policy for all Current Employees

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on the number of personnel.  Under this plan, older employees will b asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future.  Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. 

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).  Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.  SLAPPED employees can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place.  This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management.  This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).  Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse).  As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).  This company takes pride in the amount of  SHIT our employees receive.  We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.  If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND.

Thank you.

Yeah … reading does that for me, too.

Does anyone know which page of the Bible explains how to turn water into wine?

Asking for a friend.

From Vernon, British Columbia, Canada comes the story of bozo Charles Hanson who held up a flower shop, getting away with a small amount of cash. Our bozo immediately took the money and went next door to the 7-11 to pick up some much needed supplies (probably a beer). As he was walking out he remembered he had left something important behind in the flower shop so he returned to pick it up. Bad idea. The police were already there investigating. And just what was it that was so important that he had left behind? His gun.

Actually, that’s pretty good advice.

The rising new trend is “Anal Bleaching”.  Usually I’d be against such an activity, but … Some assholes do need to lighten up.

Drinking at home instead of the bar isn’t working out.  I almost asked my wife for her phone number.

Very few things upset my wife.

It makes me feel rather special to be one of them.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, lots of comments to get to and lots of other stuff to say, but what there isn’t lots of is time.  I’m afraid that’s all I have time for today.  May your Monday be filled with love and happiness, fun and games, but mostly, may your week be filled with laughter.

Cheers my friends.

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,
Welcome to Saturday Morning!  Well, Thursday has come and gone and you’re reading this so I’m still alive and not in jail, so THAT’s a good thing, right?

So, at the out-briefing today it was officially stated that I have an excellent program.  That’s nice.  I knew I had an excellent program, but did you have to put me through hell for two days and stress for two weeks leading up to it to tell me something I already knew?

I really need some time off.

But, while you guys are reading this, I am at working teaching CBRN Defense class.

Sigh.

I really need to laugh.

Let’s do this thing.

I love this meme … simply because it puts the three of them in the same category. 

I want this shirt.  But I’d have to go armed… but I do that anyway.

I have a friend who has a trophy wife.  By the looks of her, it wasn’t for first place.

I’m not turning my clock back an hour on November First because seriously, none of us need an extra hour of 2020.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.  Because communication is key.

I need this next one for work …

That’s just wrong!

This one is from Bill E.  Thanks very much for sharing it with me and sharing what scumbags the NFL is made of.

Some Folks Have Come to Despise the NFL…

For fans who follow the sport, most of this will be a simple reminder of things you already know. For the rest, it’s a wake-up call:

In 2012 the NFL had an issue with Tim Tebow kneeling before each game to pray, they also had an issue with Tebow wearing John 3:16 as part of his eye-black to avoid glare, and made him take it off.

In 2013 the NFL fined Brandon Marshall for wearing green cleats to raise awareness for people with mental health disorders.

In 2014 Robert Griffin III (RG3) entered a post-game press conference wearing a shirt that said “Know Jesus Know Peace” but was forced to turn it inside out by an NFL uniform inspector before speaking at the podium.

In 2015 DeAngelo Williams was fined for wearing “Find the Cure “eye black for breast cancer awareness.

In 2015 William Gay was fined for wearing purple cleats to raise awareness for domestic violence. (Not that the NFL has a domestic violence problem..).

In 2016 the NFL prevented the Dallas Cowboys from wearing a decal on their helmet in honor of 5 Dallas Police officers killed in the line of duty.

2016 the NFL threatened to fine players who wanted to wear cleats to commemorate the 15th anniversary of 9/11.

So tell me again how the NFL supports free speech and expression. It seems quite clear based on these facts that the NFL has taken a position against any action by NFL players demonstrating RESPECT for any issue:

For God, social causes such as mental health, cancer, domestic violence, for cops killed arbitrarily, for being cops, or for the Memory of 9/11…

BUT they will allow demonstrations of DISRESPECT for our National Flag, our National Anthem, for America, and for the American People, if it will help mollify a particular Group and its supporters. That is who and what the NFL now has shown itself to be.

Pass this post along to all your friends and family, if you believe it worthy of sharing. Honor our military; too many of whom have come home with the American Flag draped over their coffin.

Very well said.  Very nicely said.  Much nicer than I would have said.  I would would have called them the boot-licking, cock sucking, assholes that they are … but that’s just my gentle dragon ways.

Q:  My child doesn’t want to eat meat.  With what can I replace it?

A:  A dog.  Dogs love meat.

Just found out there’s no popcorn in popcorn shrimp.

Guess there’s no reason to try pot roast.

I love people who make me laugh, make me think, and make me coffee.  Not necessarily in that order.

I don’t judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, gender, ability, age, or size.

I base it solely on whether or not they’re an asshole.

Men think women dress for them … dude please!  We dress according to our waxing schedules, periods, mood swings, location, season, matching shoes, matching bags, matching lipstick, availability of suitable underwear.

You’re not even on that list, so chill.

Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2.  I paid my $2.  And he says, once upon a time there was this lobster….

And that is it for today.  I know it’s not up to my usual standards, but it’s been one of those weeks.  Love to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Welcome to thirsty Thursday!  Tonight is definitely going to be a night for Jameson!  I have a visit from higher headquarters bigwigs today, so you know what that means!  Yup, double shots tonight!  Some big visit with big inspections and all kinds of silly puzzle palace type stuff… yup, I can hardly wait.

Soooooooooo …. between now and then, what we have to do is …

I’m going with the car wash

I’m not really an asshole.  My parents just didn’t teach me how to say “FUCK YOU” politely.  Sorry about that.

Wait … No I’m not.

The “L” in my luck has been replaced with an “F”.

Boy, ain’t that the truth!  How many working class people out there can agree with that one!

I have to share this one with you.  My good buddy Wheats is back east at the moment, in a blue state where they are doing a really, really stupid thing.  Let me show you the picture first:

You can’t really tell, but the straw is a paper straw, because you know, plastic is evil … but they have it shoved in a PLASTIC LID!!!  Can you please tell me WHAT FUCKING SENSE THAT MAKES???  Paper straws suck!  Or actually, they don’t suck … AND THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO!!!!

Geez!

I don’t do well with hints.

You’re an adult.

Speak your fucking mind.

She passed on the scalloped potatoes because, “I don’t really like seafood.”  It was at that moment where I knew she was dumb enough to sleep with me.

This truly and seriously PISSED ME OFF!!!!!!

PBS journalist suggests that a paralyzed man standing up is racist https://thepostmillennial.com/pbs-journalist-suggests-that-a-paralyzed-man-standing-up-is-racist

PBS Newshour’s White House correspondent Yamiche Alcindor criticized Madison Cawthorn, a paraplegic congressional candidate, for standing up out of his wheelchair at the conclusion of his Republican National Convention speech last night.

One wonders if Alcindor would have had the same sentiments for the many disabled veterans who stood for the national anthem at the end of the evening as she did for Cawthorn.

“It was a direct rebuke of actions by ppl—including black athletes who are currently sitting out games—protesting police brutality,” tweeted Alcindor.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  He stood up to prove that if he can stand for the Pledge of Allegiance and the National Anthem when he is in a wheel chair then anyone can.  And this fucking bitch is going to turn it into something FUCKING RACIST!  The only racist here is you, you stupid disgusting piece of shit.  What the fuck are you doing being a White House correspondent?  YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!

Sitting in a recliner, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos, minding my own business, and Walmart calls the cops.

But it was indeed what you asked for.

So it’s Tuesday, leading up to my Thursday … and if today was any indication … it’s gonna be a crappy week.

Ladies, you can tell a lot about a man by how dogs react to him.  For example, if the police K9 is biting him, he may not be ideal.

Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving past, just in case it’s an intervention.

Husband:  Why are defective condoms lying on the sofa??

Wife:  What??  Where??

Wife goes to find them and comes back angry.

Wife:  I will kill you if you don’t stop calling our children “Defective Condoms.”

Yeah, I know.  But, it was a hell of a party!

You can’t stay you forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.

Yup, the cops did.  And the firemen did.  Those evil bastards.  Those guys we have to protest against, right?

Absolutely!  That is definitely worth burning and rioting and looting over!

Is my fucking sarcasm coming through strong enough for you?

Okay, I’m gonna have to take a break, cause I’m REALLY getting pissed off again.

Sigh….Wednesday and work has come and gone and another stress filled tough day and tomorrow is the day I’m not looking forward to … but by the time it gets here you guys will be reading this and it will all be in the past and I’ll have already gotten through it … or be in jail.  Those have got to be my only two choices … don’t they?  I’m sure there are probably other choices available to me, but those are the two I like best, so I’m going with them.

Oh my dear God, I need brain bleach!!!

Now that puts a whole new spin on the Wizard of Oz

I’m great at multitasking, I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

Give a man some BBQ, and he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to BBQ, and he’ll sit by the smoker and drink beer all day.

Yeah, definitely no weirdoes wanted.

After six months of listening to people talk with masks on I finally understand what Charlie Brown’s teacher was saying.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Boston, Massachusetts where it is illegal to intercept police radio transmissions. As you might think, it is rather difficult to capture people using these illegal scanners. Police came up with an ingenious plan. They sent out hoax messages on police radio frequencies about little green men in flying saucers landing in the downtown area. When carloads of bozos showed up looking for the aliens, police confiscated their scanning equipment and warned the bozos that scanning police frequencies was against the law.  Why doesn’t this even surprise me?

And Tuesdays … and Wednesdays … and …

This one is from Sasquatch … but I agree 100%.  He’s called it: Here’s a good question:

The Democratic leaders of Congress kneel in the halls of Congress for about 9 minutes, for the death of a black man named George Floyd and other persons.

I have never seen them kneel for a fallen Police Officer.

I have never seen them kneel for a fallen Soldier.

I NEVER SAW THEM KNEEL FOR THE SOLDIERS THAT HILLARY AND OBAMA LEFT TO DIE IN Benghazi!!

I have never seen them kneel for the thousands of (black and white) babies aborted EVERY DAY.

I have never seen them kneel for a murdered white man or woman.

I have not seen them kneel for the thousands of black-on-black murder victims.

I have not seen them kneel for the thousands of elderly people that died in nursing homes due to the Corona Virus.

I have to ask: WHY are Democrats putting the life of George Floyd as more valuable than the lives of everyone else?

In fact, Democrats have put so much value on the life of George Floyd, they have allowed rioting, looting, arson, murder, and mayhem in communities Nationwide…

ASK YOURSELF – WHY NOW?”

IF YOU HATE AMERICA, VOTE FOR THE DEMOCRATS.

The family (brothers and sister) of George Floyd opened a Go Fund Me account to “help the family”?  It has already raised $14,455,100.00 and still counting from donations as of June 22, 2020.  Yes, almost $14 1/2 MILLION.

This is for a guy who was arrested NINE times; was a convicted drug dealer (and at a drug deal the day he died); held a gun to the stomach of a pregnant lady while his five buddies robbed her home; did prison time three different times totaling about eight years, and obviously didn’t learn from our penal system.  And America is memorializing him by painting murals of the guy on the sides of buildings like he’s a hero?  Unbelievable!!  You got to be kidding me.

Crime does pay!  …..and to pour salt in the wound, Pelosi presented his brother a folded American flag flown over the Capitol in his honor in a beautiful tri-cornered presentation case.

Pleosi is a fucking bitch and should be ashamed of herself, but we all learned a long time ago, that bitch has no shame.

It’s time to REMOVE ANYONE from Office who can not or will not take the Oath of Office on the Bible, swear allegiance to our flag, and follow the laws of the Constitution of the United States.

Time to call it a night.  May you all have a great day until we meet again.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

It’s a beautiful day to share laughter with friends … so let’s do that … on a Monday morning!

I was so drunk last night …

When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers, and underwear.  I crept upstairs very quietly …

It was only when I got to the top of the stairs, I realized I was on a fucking bus!!!

That’s always worked for me.

Best Relationship Advice:  Make sure you’re the crazy one.

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested in you … OR you’re level 99 friend zoned.

OR … she hasn’t spotted you in the tree outside her window yet.

COP:  Are you drunk?

Me:  Could a drunk person do this? [farts 3 times and pisses in pants]

COP:  Actually – yes …

Me:  That was supposed to be a backflip.

That’s about right … but I will admit that it’s usually B more often than A.

Thanks to many Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this story in a recent Ann Landers’ column. From Ottawa County, Michigan comes the story of a bozo who set the new Bozo World’s Land Speed Record for quickest return to jail. Twenty one year old bozo Reginald Phillips was released from the Ottawa County Jail Saturday morning at 12:01 AM. At 12:09 AM our bozo was spotted climbing over a chain link fence, back onto the jail grounds, and attempting to pass a cigarette to an inmate through a steel grate covering a window. At 12:10 AM our bozo was back in custody, charged with illegal entry into a prison facility and disorderly conduct. That’s nine minutes flat, bettering the previous record of 45 minutes held by a bozo who got busted for drinking beer to celebrate his release as he was driving home from jail.

Has COVID-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?  You may be entitled to condensation.

Today I tested positive for SICKOFTHISSHIT-20.  There’s no cure and I may or may not be contagious.

And I’m pretty sure a fucking mask isn’t going to help.

I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger.  Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.

I tried.

Okay, so we haven’t done this for a long time.  My bad…so let’s do it now.

Some of these may go back a bit … like I said at the end of the last issue, I’m a bit behind in my work.  If I was a porn star that wouldn’t be a bad, thing, but being a dragon answering emails and comments?  Not so much. 

This first one is from issue #1797:

Dave

The kid at looking at the 2 monitors while mom watches him with a stick, is watching his computer defragment the hard drive. It can take hours.

That’s pretty detail oriented viewing Dave.  Thanks.

Stephanie

Do you think we could get a member of Rolling Thunder to enter as a 3rd party candidate?

I think they would be an excellent choice!  Hell, at this point in time, I think anyone would be an excellent choice.  It amazes me that these are the best we have to choose from.  Where are our modern day Adams and Jeffersons?

Stephanie

Love the ant.
The Irish saying is perfect. I passed it on to a friend who recently lost her daughter to cystic fibrosis. It says a lot. Thanks for posting.
Love you much.
Still praying for you and the Mrs.

Thanks dear friend.  Thought the ant was cool … almost dragonesc

Larry S

II have to agree whole heartedly with your position on pro sports. I love the NFL, but I won’ t be watching again until these so called PROFFESIONALS learn to grow up!! There is a time and place for everything, but a sports field or arena or whatever is NOT the place!

Thanks Larry.  I don’t mind if they protest even if they take a minute on the field to bow their heads, kneel, do whatever.  It’s their show.  But not ever, NEVER during the playing of the National Anthem.  I’d rather see them stop  playing it before the game entirely than see it played and allow them to degrade it.  If you can’t be grown up enough to be respectful during the playing of it, then fuck you, you don’t get to have it played before your game.  And it is a privilege to have it played that you just LOST!  That is one way of handling it.  In fact Larry, that’s a movement that we can start right now.  If you can’t be respectful of our National Anthem while it’s being played, then your team loses the PRIVILEGE of having it played for the rest of that season.  How about them apples you over paid prim donnas! 

Okay, so I just got myself wound up again.  Sorry.

Leah D.

Post anything in Facebook, it can get shared and shared, and shared . . . Or Facebook can judge it unsuitable, delete it, and ban you. Ask one who knows . . .

I do have to ask someone who knows.  I have to call Izzy Dragon over and ask her, because I really don’t do Facebook.  Like I said, if it wasn’t for darts, I wouldn’t even have a Facebook account.  Can you imagine the following I’d have as Impish Dragon?  I’d break the internet.  I’m not getting anything done now!  It’s my duty as a respectful citizen of the earth to NOT have an account.  Thanks and love to you Leah!

Dave

The 4:20 watch tattoo is on the wrong arm, but he probably won’t notice!

Like I said, very detail oriented viewing.  Yeah, pretty much a given he won’t notice.  I always wanted to take a stoner while they were asleep and tattoo a Dorito Chip on their arm.  Something really life like.  Cause I know it would drive them crazy.

Thanks Dave and thanks for the oh-so subtle comments

Oh sure, looks legit to me.

More true to life?

Thanks to John S. for this interesting picture.  I’ve actually had one of these in my hands.

A bank teller shared this photo of a rare $1000 bill from 1934. The teller told the customer he could accept the bill at face value, but urged the customer to try and find a collector that would likely pay more than face value for it.

$500, $1,000, $5,000, $10,000 and $100,000 bills were in circulation. After the last printing of those denominations in 1945, the Treasury Department and the Fed discontinued them in 1969.
First printed in 1928, this $1,000 bill features two-time United States President Grover Cleveland. He was the nation’s 22nd and 24th president, earning him the distinction of being the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms.

My cousin Edna’s new baby.  Isn’t he adorable?  (Actually, I think he’s as ugly as a mud fence, and in that regard he takes right after my cousin Edna, but you know, you have to be polite to the family)

That is too funny, requires a lot of dedication, and probably gave that poor lady apoplexy.  But still … incredibly funny!!

She said, “Go to the store and get a gallon of milk.” and then complains when I bring this back.

I know, right.  And the court costs …

Now THAT’S a great mom!

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys, and phone.”

I do too!!!

You really gotta admire good architectural design.

So, while I was out playing darts yesterday I got these two comments…

Stephanie

Prayers lifted for Tom, his family, and all those affected by the fires.
Imagine how the parents will explain how this happened when someone mentions the gender reveal fire.

No doubt that is going to be a bit embarrassing, but good news on the other side.  I heard from Tom about the same time your comment came in Stephanie. Here’s the email I got from him.

Hello Impish; My family and I are all okay. My wife and I did not have to leave our home. Both of our daughters live about ten miles closer to the fire area and they both had to take their families to a safer place. They went to Salem and stayed with friends for a few days and are back in their homes now. The girls live about a half mile apart in the same town and found smoke and ash had gotten into their homes, but no fire damage. As they were evacuating they said it was a frightening time because the heat from the fire could be felt all over town.

The smoke was worse that you could ever imagine. Days of darkness and falling ash everywhere. The ash reminded me of 1980 when Mt. St. Helen’s exploded. We finally got some rain and the air is much better now. So far over one million acres have burned in Oregon and 40,000 people have been evacuated. Ten are confirmed dead and many more are still missing. The fires are still burning, but the rain will help quite a bit and the wind has slowed down too. Of course now the great media shit heads say the rain will cause flash floods. I never heard of a mountain side being flooded. It will be unfortunate for the media when the fires are under control because then they will have to go back and start to report on the “peaceful” riots again.

These fires are NOT the result of climate change, global warming, or angry fire gods. They were deliberately started by idiots. I doubt that anyone will be prosecuted for this disaster. I remember the fire in 2017 that burned 50,000 acres. It was started by a fifteen year old using fireworks when they were banned. The judge fined him nine million dollars. Do you suppose his daddy wrote a check for him? What a joke!

These pictures are the same shot on different days. (Date and time are shown). The first was just after 10 in the morning when it should be bright and sunny. The second one was yesterday after some rain cleared the smoke at a little after 5 P.M. This is looking west, away from the fires.

Well Tom, as you can see, we’ve all been praying fro you and are glad you are safe and sound.  And I’ll have words with my cousin Harvey about flying over the Oregon forests with a head cold.

I also heard from Leah yesterday.  She had this to say:

Leah D.

So glad to hear you are having a day off, good food, lots to drink and darts to top it off! I know there are things you can’t talk about, but still, have been curious WHY you have such a heavy work schedule lately? Is it because you are playing catch-up after time off to attend to family affairs? Or just filling in for people on vacation?

Hi Leah.  Yup, you’re absolutely right. 

I can’t talk about it.

Cause if I did, I’d have to … I’m just kidding.

Actually, it’s more of a case of when it rains, it pours.  A lot of inspections and classes and exercises and such that are spread out throughout the year got pushed back due to the “COVID Crisis” and are all coming due now and with the time off I had to take and all the shit in my personal life that has gone on … it’s just been the perfect storm.  It’s stacking up like Jenga blocks just waiting for someone to take the wrong one and have it all come crashing down.

There are other things going on in the world, that you can probably figure out if you watch the news, that keep anyone associated with the military on their toes right now, that I, of course, am not going to talk about here, that are also keeping me busy.

And it’s the end of the fiscal year, always a busy time in government work.  We have to make sure that we spend every bit of the rest of your money that we took from you for this fiscal year before we start planning on what we are going to do with the money we are going to take away from you next fiscal year.  Oh shit!  Did I actually say that out loud!  Did that go out in the issue?  Stop!  Stop printing!  Oh crap!  Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!  I am so fired!

Hey … can .. um, you guys pretend like you didn’t hear that last bit?

LOL!  ANYWAY!  Back to more of THIS stuff …..

Hey Larry (and everyone else) this next one goes really well to what we were talking about earlier…

AMEN!

Even a “new” weatherman has to be aware enough to know what this must’ve looked like…

Yes, these are the beers we’re looking for.

And for every single strange fetish you can think of, there’s a website on the internet for it somewhere.

I’m gonna say, that depends on which class you are teaching.

I am DEFINITELY bringing this idea up at the next league meeting!!!

So?  Anybody get the reference?

This is such an awesome political cartoon.  (Thanks to Leah for sending it in) She mentions that Social Media is becoming just another host for rumors and fake news and of course it is.  If not more so than Main Stream Media because Social Media is put out there by people who have no obligation to fact check (not that it seems that the MSM does either lately).  But what I like about this cartoon is that you can use this guy as an “anyman” and say that now-a-days a lot of people are using Social Media as their main news source.  I constantly say that to my Izzy Dragon.  Who isn’t so little anymore.  She just celebrated her 19th birthday and she’ll come up to me with some wild ass thing like “Dad, I think it’s terrible that Trump is going to close down all the Taco Bells because he thinks they are all Bolivian spies!”  And my response is always the same: “Izzy, you have GOT to stop getting all your news off of Twitter.”  And I think a lot of today’s young people are the same way.  They don’t watch the news, read a legitimate news source, or do any serious research of anything on their own.  It’s like Mrs. Dragon says, they are learning in blipverts.  You get 30 seconds on a topic.  You have 140 characters.  LOL!  Can you imagine me limited to 140 characters.  I couldn’t eloquently tell a rude client to go fuck themselves with less than 500.  But, that’s what makes a picture so great.  A picture is worth a thousand words.  And that’s what this one does.  Thanks Leah.

OUCH!

What if they’re not stars, but holes poked into the top of the container so we can breathe?

And I think I just found the premise for my next book …

2020’s been a wild year man, I don’t know if I need a face mask, a Glock, or a generator.

Do like I do … all of the above.

So… I’ve got enough of these to do this, so … let’s do this.  It’s Sunday and I’m in a pissy enough mood.

I want this shirt!

If all the accusations against President Trump were true, he’d damn near qualify to be a Democrat.

They tell you straight to your face, “We will take your guns and raise your taxes!” and still the morons vote for them.

And one more thing to think about … Muslims want Biden.  China want Biden.  Iran wants Biden.  Abortionists want Biden.  Felons want Biden.  Illegals want Biden.  Are you getting it yet?

For Sale

Parachute – Only used once

Never opened

Small Stain

Probably aren’t sitting in front of a computer screen reading Dragon Laffs either … is that what you’re implying Lamborghini?  Yeah, well screw you Lamborghini!  I didn’t want one of your lousy cars anyway!  I could … what’s that?  How much?  Are you friggin’ kidding me!?!  Who in their right mind would pay over $418,000 for a damn car?!?  WHAT!!!!!  That’s the stripped down model?!?!  Yup.  They were right.  People who buy Lamborghinis aren’t sitting around in front of computer screens reading Dragon Laffs, because if they were, they’d know how fucking stupid that was to spend that much money on a car. 

Who am I kidding.  That’s pure jealousy.  LOL!

Paging Alanis Morissette…

I’m afraid that has to be it for this fine Monday morning.  I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and has as good a week as can be expected.  Be well, be safe, be happy, laugh a little, love a lot.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon