Good Morning Campers,

Well, Christmas Day has come and gone … that was yesterday and we are marching towards New Year’s Day.  I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.  We had an interesting holiday here  at the Dragon residence.  Talked to my son and the Grand Kids, and got a chance to talk to Papa Dragon Most Senior and his wonderful wife.  That was awfully nice.  Spent the day with family.  The day before Christmas, which was my birthday, we had some friends stop by and do a wonderful thing for us.  Which we really needed since we also got some really bad news on my birthday…of course, since it’s still 2020, but that is going to bleed over to 2021 … all the way to August.  But, we keep saying God has always provided and we’ll work this out, too.  More about that another time perhaps.  Since I’m writing this on Christmas Day with my lovely wife taking a nap and Izzy Dragon doing something up in her room that is eliciting a bunch of thumps upstairs … I should really find out what that’s all about … and both dogs napping near my feet, I don’t want to go into personal bad crap right now.

There’s enough stupid shit going on in the real world.  People setting bombs off on Christmas Day.  You guys here about this dump stuff?  Nashville, TN outside the AT&T building, someone parks an RV Thursday night and about 5:30 am Christmas morning there is the sound of gunfire, although when the police investigate no evidence of gunfire.  Then at about 6:15 this RV starts announcing: “Evacuate now.  There is a bomb.  A bomb is in this vehicle and will explode.” and then starts this 15 minute countdown.

And then blows the fuck up! 

And one witness who lived across the street and had her windows blown out on Christmas morning said, “Well, they did give fair warning.”

Okay … is it just me … am I the only one who thinks that, even WITH “fair warning”, you shouldn’t be setting off bombs in people’s neighborhoods?  Or am I just wrong thinking? 

“We gonna be blowin’ your shit up, but we gonna give you fifteen minutes to move outta the way.”  And she thinks that’s okay?  Now, mind you, I’d rather get the warning than NOT get the warning, but still people…WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING????  I gotta know who’s behind this crap and what kind of friggin’ statement they were trying to make.  This is insane.

Anyway … I hope you guys had a nice Christmas at your house.  I got all kinds of wonderful Christmas messages over the BIG Christmas issue that was put out on the 24th.  That was a huge amount of fun to do, even if it took a whole lot out of me.  Don’t expect anything like that for New Year’s…first of all, I don’t have anywhere NEAR that many New Year’s cartoons and second of all, I don’t have anywhere NEAR that much time and third of all, I don’t have anywhere NEAR that much energy and third of all … no … fourth of all … damn, I lost my train of thought … I lost something and don’t have enough of something else.  Let’s just leave it at that.

So, without too much fanfare or further ado, it’s time to get this issue started.  So, as we head into Boxing Day … do you know why it’s Boxing Day?  Well, first of all, Boxing Day won’t REALLY be until Monday because it’s supposed to be the first weekday after Christmas, which this year will be the 28th.  And according to wikipedia, the term Boxing Day MIGHT refer to the alms boxes set up in churches to give to the poor, but the holiday basically celebrates the fact that anyone who might, in some small way, work for you, should, could, and shall expect a small gift from you or Christmas Box.  A gratuity, if you will, for the tradesmen, postal workers, servants, and the like.  So, in-other-words, nobody friggin’ knows where the term Boxing Day came from, but it’s a damn Bank Holiday in England, so … enjoy!

 

Stephanie sends us this article … which may not be that surprising to most of us.

Are Men Idiots Who Do Stupid Things? Study Says Yes

A new study shows what at least some of us might have suspected for a long time: Men are idiots and do stupid things.

Okay … I don’t know about you, but I don’t really need a study to tell me that Men are idiots that do stupid things, but the article is funny and worth reading and here is the link and thanks Stephanie, dear friend.

https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2014/12/12/370414365/are-men-idiots-who-do-stupid-things-study-says-yes

Does the fertilizer make my hands bigger or give me more hands?  I’m not sure I like it either way?

Well, there’s your explanation, right there.

OMG!  And here’s another great story from … wait for it … Stephanie.  Thank you dear for ANOTHER really good story.  The headline above tells you all, but like any good reporter, Stephanie chases the whole story and here it is:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/02/05/wife-crashes-her-own-funeral-horrifying-her-husband-who-had-paid-have-her-killed/

That is a GREAT prank!

Don’t blame you brother, sounds like you are running out of time.

This next one is from Papa Dragon Most Senior and has some repeats, but some new ones and all funny

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter.  I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers.  Is that true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

If 2020 was a math word-problem:  If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.”  That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Cronacoaster – noun:  the ups and downs of a pandemic.  One day you’re loving your bubble, doing workouts, baking banana bread and going for long walks, and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast, and missing people you don’t even like.

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.  Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

That’s my excuse.

Okay, that is sad, scary, and hilarious all at the same time.

Okay, breaking news … although by the time you guys see this, it probably won’t be breaking any more, have any of you guys who live in Nashville seen this RV?  This is the first picture of what the FBI thinks is the RV that had the explosives in it.  I couldn’t find it on line after it was on the TV, so I rewinded the TV and took a picture.

Just figured I’d do my part to get it out there.

Back to the issue.

Amen

A ballsy move to put up this sign, but I applaud them.

We’re going to war!  Time to get the tanks … and stuff!

The past few years {25 – 30} I always felt the news was spoon fed to the masses, to see what they would swallow.
It all becomes a little clearer now.
*YES, the Governor of Michigan used to work for George Soros
* YES , CALIF GOV. GAVIN NEWSOME IS NANCY PELOSI’S NEPHEW.
* YES, ADAM SHIFF’S SISTER IS MARRIED TO GEORGE SOROS’ SON.
* YES, JOHN KERRY’S DAUGHTER IS MARRIED TO A MULLAH’S SON in IRAN
* YES, Hillary’s daughter Chelsea IS married to George Soros’ nephew.
* YES, ABC News executive producer IAN CAMERON is married to SUSAN RICE, Obama’s former National Security Adviser.
* YES, CBS President DAVID RHODES is the brother of BEN RHODES, Obama’s Deputy National Security Adviser for Strategic Communications.
* YES, ABC News correspondent CLAIRE SHIPMAN is married to JAY CARNEY, former Obama White House Press Secretary
* YES, ABC News and Univision reporter MATTHEW JAFFE is married to KATIE HOGAN, Obama’s former Deputy Press Secretary .
* YES, ABC President BEN SHERWOOD is the brother of Elizabeth Sherwood, Obama’s former Special Adviser.
* YES, CNN President VIRGINIA MOSELEY is married to TOM NIDES, former Hillary Clinton’s Deputy Secretary
THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL A “STACKED DECK.”
IF YOU HAD A HUNCH THE NEWS SYSTEM WAS SOMEWHAT RIGGED AND YOU COULDN’T PUT YOUR FINGER ON IT, THIS MIGHT HELP YOU SOLVE THE PUZZLE.
This is “Huge” and is a ‘partial’ list since the same incestuous relationship holds true for NBC/MSNBC and most media outlets.
Trump has been right all along. Fake News is generated by this incestuous relationship.
YA THINK THERE MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIAS IN THE NEWS?

And here is a bunch of funny AOC … it’s also a bit scary when you think of how true it might be…

TOP 10 REASONS WHY CYBER SEX IS BETTER
10. If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then changing your real name.
9. Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.
8. If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard.
7. You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself.
6. Viagra! Who needs Viagra?
5. Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends.
4. Three words: No shotgun weddings.
3. All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela Anderson.
2. They never have to know you live in your parents basement.
1. If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.

Who would’ve thought one day we’d be smoking weed at a family gathering, but the illegal part would be the family gathering.

Me:  This show is boring.

Boss:  Again, this is a Zoom conference.

Extraordinarily accurate analysis from a foreign country?  

 

Some people have the vocabulary to sum up things in a way that you can quickly understand them. This quote came from the Czech Republic. Someone over there has it figured out. It was translated into English from an article in a Prague newspaper.

 

 

“The danger to America is not Joseph Biden, but a citizenry capable of entrusting a man like him with the Presidency. It will be far easier to limit and undo the follies of a Biden presidency than to restore the necessary common sense and good judgment to a depraved electorate willing to have such a man for their president. The problem is much deeper and far more serious than Mr. Biden, who is a mere symptom of what ails America. Blaming the prince of the fools should not blind anyone to the vast confederacy of fools that made him their prince. The Republic can survive a Biden, who is, after all, merely a fool. It is less likely to survive a multitude of fools, such as those who made him their president.”

At 12:01 am on January 1, 2021, for the first time ever, Hind Sight will actually be 2020.  Thanks Lynn

Okay, you can’t read this, so I’m going to reprint it here:

Request Type

Inquiry Type Problem
Category Receiving Mail
Topic No Delivery/No Attempt > My Mail Was Delayed

Additional Detail:

How late was your mail:  Over 7 days

Type of Mail Piece: Package

What was the Class of Mail: Priority Mail 3-Day

Additional Information: I paid $110 for PRIORITY and it took EIGHT DAYS to get my parcel from downtown San Francisco to the San Francisco airport, a distance of 14.8 miles.  A turtle could have done that in four days.  Seriously, I looked it up.  An ordinary box turtle cruises 0.17 mph; it could make it from the Rincon Center post office to the cargo terminal of SFO in 87 hours.  The United States Postal Service took 179 hours to make the same trip.

And I had to wait in line at the post office.  There is no line at the turtle store.  I could have popped in, bought a turtle, strapped the parcel to its shell, and it would have gotten there in less than half the time.

Can I get a refund here?  A partial refund?  A complimentary box of turtle food?  Anything?

I laughed so hard at this.  I love this guy. 

There are allegedly around 6.5 million Finns, right?  That’s out of 7.125 billion humans.  That means Finns make up 0.0912% of the planet.

That’s not 9% – that’s point zero nine percent, less than a percent, less than a tenth of a percent.

To put it another way, 99.9% of the planet are not Finns.  How do we know this?  Government censuses.

Now, the best government censuses have a margin of error of a least 1%.  So Finns make up .0912% of the planet, plus or minus one percent.

In conclusion: there is a 50/50 chance Finland doesn’t exist. ~ Perkele

Yeah … me, too.

I love Christmas lights! They remind me of

the people who voted for Biden.

They all hang together, half of them don’t work, and the ones that do, aren’t all that bright.

This was sent to me with the subject line: You’re stupid, but I like you anyway.  Which intrigued me … to say the least.  I am going to reprint the entire email here as an almost finale to this email so I can get it set up for tomorrow… thanks to someone named Sandy who sent it to the person who sent it to me.  I had a lot of fun going through it.

Do Not Cheat:  Answers Below:

Something for seniors to do to keep those aging gray matter cells active…not that YOU’RE that old

1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.

What was the third child’s name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the President’s name in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,

how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

 

 

 

Here are the Answers: (No peeking!)

1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.

What was the third child’s name?

Answer: Johnny, of course.

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn’t discovered yet. [You’re not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can’t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President’s name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now – Donald Trump

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,

how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

 

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can’t count your hair.
2) You can’t wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can’t breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human..

3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

You have received this e-mail because I didn’t want to be alone in the idiot category.

 

TO ALL MY ” INTELLIGENT ” FRIENDS

Keep that brain working; try to figure this one out….

See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common.

 

1.          Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess

Give it another try….
Look at each word carefully. You’ll kick yourself when you discover the Answer. This is so cool…..

REMEMBER I ONLY SENT THIS TO MY SMART FRIENDS:

No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters….
Answer is below!

Answer:
In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards,

2.          it will be the same word.

Did you figure it out?

No? Then send this to more people and stump them as well.

Then, you’ll feel better too…..!

 

 

 

      Kilroy Was Here:

 

 

And one final thought for the day …

The Difference Between Rich and Poor People

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, “How was the trip?”

“It was great, Dad.”

“Did you see how poor people live?” the father asked.

“Oh yeah,” said the son.

“So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father.

The son answered, “I saw that we have one dog and they had four.  We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.  We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.  Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.  We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.  We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.  We buy our food, but they grow theirs.  We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.”

The boy’s father was speechless then his son added, “Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are.”

Isn’t perspective a wonderful thing?  Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don’t have.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

Thank you my friends.  You make it all worthwhile.  Life is too short and friends are too few.

My Dear and Wonderful Campers,

Tomorrow is the big day!  Happy, happy Christmas Eve!  A wonderful time to spend with family and friends and I can’t think of anyone I’d rather spend it with than all of you!  I have a few days off and I hope to spend that time filling this issue with fun and laughter and maybe … maybe even a few secrets!  Shhhhh!!! 

Okay, so first of all, how many of you noticed that the headerover the last couple of days, wasn’t the same header at all, but the presents kept growing day after day?  Come on.  I was kinda proud of that. 

Oh, and did anyone notice Santa sneaking around the campground last night?  I sure hope not.  Him and I had a couple of clandestine meetings over the last couple of weeks.  Mostly I’ve gone up to see him at the North Pole, but last night he had to come see me and, well, I just hope that none of you caught site of him sneaking around.  None of your kids mentioned him or anything?  Okay, good.

Anyway, today’s issue will mostly be about Christmas, but there will be some other stuff mixed in, too, I’m sure.  Plus, before it’s all over there will probably be some letters and comments from you guys, as well as maybe even some Santa Sightings.  Who knows?  It’s going to be an exciting issue, don’t you think?

  So what do you say we get this party started, shall we?

Some of you guys wondered if there were dragons at the North Pole … well, yeah!  And we have really special jobs, too.

Yeah, but that can be a bad thing, too.  Which is why duct tape is so important to keep in your bedside table.

This next one is not really a Christmas story … but so stupid I just had to pass it along.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this story in a recent Ann Landers column. From Salina, Kansas comes the story of several plainclothes police officers who were at a residence conducting a search for illegal drugs. Their task turned out to be tougher than they thought it would be. You see, they kept getting interrupted by all the walk up drug traffic and phone calls from would-be buyers. Finally, the cops called in reinforcements in the form of several officers who parked their marked cars in front of the house. This still didn’t stop the steady stream of bozo drug buyers. Finally, the cops set up an assembly line type operation where they let the bozos in the front door, arrested them and led them out the back door to be carted off to jail.

Stephanie writes and says:  Dear Impish, What animal do they milk to get Mountain Dew?
Dear Stephanie, Those would be the florescent green cows. 

Now, let’s do ….

Isn’t it weird that people living paycheck to paycheck are expected to have months worth of savings for emergencies while billion dollar corporations are so poorly managed that they are on the brink of bankruptcy after a week of reduced profits?
And then they expect a government bailout!

Santa is over-serving the reindeer

People always say, “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.”  … Yeah, but I’ve got my eye fixed on that specific, emotionally distant salmon who has commitment issues.

I’ve been trying to avoid this part, but maybe it’s best to just get it out there and get past it.  Christmas is a melancholy time of year for me and this morning especially it seems, I’ve been brushed by the Ghost of Christmas Past.  Dear friends and family gone … taken too soon.  Seems they’ve all come to pay me a visit this day.  I started to name them here but thought that wasn’t fair … to either them, me or you.  Very teary morning, but something both made it worse and helped it immensely.  Ted sent the following to me called Missing Someone At Christmas.  It’s by one of my favorite all time groups … the Piano Guys.  Although I have no idea why they call themselves the Piano Guys when one plays the Piano and the other the Cello.  But there you have it. 

Anyway, here is Ted’s email, and Ted, I know I said thanks, before, but I’d like to publicly say thanks, believe it or not, as much as this song hit me in the heart, it also went a very long way to putting it back together again.  Thank you!

Missing Someone At Christmas (biggeekdad.com)

Missing Someone At Christmas

The Piano Guys “The Sweetest Gift”, a special song dedicated to those who have lost a loved one. The Christmas holiday can be a wonderful time to spend with family and friends but for many people, it is also a time of grief as they are missing someone very dear to them at Christmas. “The Sweetest Gift” was written by Craig Aven. I hope that you can find comfort and peace by listening to this song.

And in case the link above doesn’t work … here it is again in traditional format:  https://biggeekdad.com/2017/12/missing-someone-christmas/

     

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The last date I had was a court date.

It’s those Chinese hackers!!!

Tinder is for rookies.  Go to Facebook Marketplace and search for wedding dresses.  It’ll show you recently divorced females in your area.  From there you can filter by size.

That’s both wrong and brilliant!

*You follow her*

*She follows back*

*You like a pic of her*

*She likes a pic of you*

*You send her a dick pic*

*She sends one back*

A true love story

My town had a really bad storm two days ago and my neighbor lost the roof of his house and the poor guy doesn’t have insurance.  I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise money so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s going to start construction and I hate being around all that noise.

One of my favorite parts of Christmas and one of the most beautiful things ever said:

Charlie Brown:  I guess you were right, Linus.  I shouldn’t have picked this little tree.  Everything I do turns into a disaster.  I guess I really don’t know what Christmas is all about.  ISN’T THERE ANYONE WHO KNOWS WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT?!

Linus: Sure Charlie Brown.  I can tell you what Christmas is all about. 

Linus:  Lights please.

Linus:  And there were in the same country shepherds, abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.  And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them; and they were sore afraid.  And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.  For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.  And this [Shall be] a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manager.  And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. 

Linus:  That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

And there isn’t anything more that I can say that Linus didn’t already say.

That’s just wrong!!!  And a bit pervy stalkerish

Stop giving new moms diaper cakes and onesies.

Give those mamas what they need to survive.  Extra strength painkillers, dry shampoo, borderline illegal strength coffee, and ear plugs.

Slap a bow on it if you’re feeling fancy.

Here’s the true meaning of Christmas:

Thanks for sharing that one Dear Stephanie.

Okay, this next one isn’t Christmassy, but it is fucking ingenious, so I’m putting it in … right … HERE:

Now that is a grandson’s love!  And an absolutely brilliant ploy to make sure grandma was alright.  I can sort of understand that the police and fire department are too busy after a hurricane to check on everybody, and spending … what? $20 on a pizza is a cheap way of making sure that Grandma is alright, especially if you’re willing to throw in a nice tip for the driver to bring his cellphone along (which he more than likely had with him anyway) and spend five minutes to let you talk to grandma)… you know, there’s probably a need out there for people to check on loved ones for other people during emergencies.  If we just had an organization to do that… hmmm.

 

 

 

How about some Christmas Puns from Stephanie?

1. How much did Santa’s sleigh cost? It was on the house!
2. What does Santa do when his elves misbehave? He gives them the sack!
3. Why doesn’t Santa use reindeer milk in his coffee? He’s on a deery-free diet!
4. What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus!
5. What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa Claus when she looked up in the sky? Looks like rain, dear!
6. Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can “ho ho ho”!
7. What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker!  Okay, I know what a Christmas Cracker is from when I was stationed in England, but I don’t know what that has to do with Speed Dating?
8. Who do Santa’s helpers call when they’re ill? The National Elf Service!
9. What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas quacker!
10. How you can tell that Santa is real? You can always sense his presents!
11. What do you call a broke Santa? Saint Nickel-less!
12. What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate Clauses!
13. Who delivers presents to cats? Santa Paws!
14. Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!
15. Who is Santa’s favourite singer? Elf-is Presley!
16. What’s Santa’s favourite type of music? Wrap!
17. Why don’t you ever see Santa in hospital? Because he has private elf care!
18. What’s Santa’s favourite type of crisps? Kringles!
19. What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause!
20. What is Santa’s drag name? Sleigh Queen!
21. What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet!
22. What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”? Santa walking backwards!
23. Why does Santa go through the chimney? Because it soots him!
24. What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his underpants? Saint Knickerless!
25. What is Santa’s favourite US state to deliver presents? Idaho-ho-ho!
26. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claus-trophobia!
27. What did Santa say to the smoker? Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!
28. What does Santa spend his wages on? Jingle bills!
29. What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish!
30. What’s the difference between Santa Claus and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!
31. How does Santa take pictures? With his Pole-aroid camera!
32. What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!
33. What does Santa do with out of shape elves? Sends them to an elf clinic!
34. Where do Santa and his reindeer go to get hot chocolate while flying in the sky? Star-bucks!
35. What did Santa say to his wife? It’s going to reindeer!
36. What secret society would Santa never be a part of? The Illuminaughty!
37. Why does Santa Claus always carry that big bag of gifts? That’s just how he presents himself! 

“Hey nerd, who brings a friggin’ book to a bar?”

[My eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls]

Her:  How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?

Me:  I don’t know, half an hour?

Dear Santa,

Please bring me a baby brother.

Love,

Jimmy

Dear Jimmy,

Please send me your mother.

Love,

Santa

This issue is getting huge!  And I’m not anywhere near done with my Christmas file yet!!!  Ha! Ha! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!

Hey fat dragon, who you calling a ho?

Let’s go, go, go!

Yeah … I’m just a little tired this morning.

Which is why Impish Dragon ain’t getting nuttin’ for Christmas…

Tonight, let’s do something your memory foam mattress will never forget.

Did You Know:  Alcohol increases the size of the “send” button by 89%

Posted a photo of my clean house and it was flagged and removed as “Fake News”

I went to the paint store to get thinner.

It didn’t work.

Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me everyday.  He is from India and is very concerned about my car warranty.

Bozo criminal for today wins the Bozo Weapon of the Week award. From Oklahoma City, Oklahoma comes the story of bozo Lyle Burton who walked into a convenience store carrying a small snake. Threatening the clerk with the snake, which he said was a dangerous copperhead, our bozo demanded cash. Figuring the snake was not worth much, the clerk gave our bozo $40 and a pack of cigarettes, calling the cops as soon as he was out the door. The police were nearby and quickly arrested the bozo and his snake, which turned out to be harmless.  The part that cracked me up was “Figuring the snake was not worth much …” are we rating the criminals now on what their firepower is worth when they come in the door?  A .45 is gonna get you more cash than a .22?  LOL!

Lynn’s List of Things She’s Super Good At:

1.  Forgetting someone’s name 30 seconds after they tell me.  Yup, I’m super good at that one, too, Lynn.

2.  Running.  Late, that is.

3.  Making plans … then regretting making plans.

4.  Thinking of a great comeback line – an hour later.

5.  Digging through the trash for the food box I just tossed, because I already forgot the directions.  That’s another one I’m good at.

6.  Adding items to online carts.  Then deleting.  After waffling about it for an hour. Yeah …

7.  Googling my ailments.  Then panicking.

8.  Leaving laundry to wrinkle in the dryer.  Aren’t we all Super Good at that?

9.  Forgetting why I walked into the room.  No comment.

10.  Calculating how much sleep I’ll get if I can just “Fall asleep right now.”  That’s my favorite game show that plays in my head almost every night.

It’s an old joke, but it’s a good one … with a good moral at the end.

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS.
and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows,
I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”
Curtis & Leroy replied,”Well, then just give us our money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”
The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a
dead mule?”
Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”
Leroy said, “We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody
he’s dead!”
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy
at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
“What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”
Leroy said, “Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars
apiece and made a profit of $998.”
The farmer said, “My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”
Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset.  So we gave
him his two dollars back.”
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They’re overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.
Limit all US. politicians to two terms.
One in office
One in prison

The Casinos are now offering curbside pickup.  Call ahead and they come out and take your money right from your car.

I’m so high I went to Target because why not.  I reached for some cookie dough and so did someone else at the same time.  I said, “Sorry, you can go ahead” to only realize I had just seen my own arm in the mirror and I apologized to myself … I’m going home.

What do you call a Christmas wreath made with $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

Apparently, walking around WalMart with an Alka-Seltzer in my mouth yelling, “THE VACCINE ISN’T WORKING” isn’t funny.

Got a flat tire … pulled over to change it.  Stupid guy says, “Did your tire go flat?” I said, “No, I was driving along and the other 3 just swelled up!”

I’m going to share this as fair warning to the rest of you…it is the God’s Honest Truth and should not be taken lightly …

A man reaches a certain age where he doesn’t want any drama.  He doesn’t want to fight anyone – and if force to, he will not fight fair.  He will not quit and there are now weapons he will not use.

It’s best to leave him alone with his coffee, bourbon and cigars.  Don’t poke the old men.  They will hurt you.

The problem is … the friggin’ government doesn’t realize that there are more and more of us “old men” now than there ever have been before.  And we just want to be left alone and they just won’t stop poking us.

I see penguins with Santa in Christmas displays.  Since penguins only live in the South Pole, would Christmas penguins be Bipolar?

Did You Know:  A Polar Bear’s liver contains so much Vitamin A that eating a small amount can kill a human being.

I dig,
You dig,
We dig,
He dig,
She dig,
They dig…

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

If you say something is “indescribable”, you’re describing it.

I just got a Christmas present in the (e) mail:

Impish,

What comes after super?

Extra Super? Whatever, you nailed it. You are a key component to what’s left of my quarantined mental health. Greatly appreciated!

…Joe in NJ

Thank you, Joe.  That really means a lot to me.  More than I can even say.

Here’s another comment from Leah:

Leah D

I am so relieved! I’m slow I know (started falling into a song) but I hadn’t made the connection your numerous work hours are because of limits in the classroom. Until I understood that, I have been quaking in my boots, wondering what you know that we don’t know about why we need so many trained in survival skills.
However, speaking of being relieved . . . once they are in that suit (I watched the video) how do they pee?
On Sunday, we drove North to deliver gifts, made porch deliveries to three different homes. Had planned on driving up the mountain to deliver to my sister . . . but I had to pee! I decided there was no ‘safe’ place, so we came home instead.
I emailed my two sisters and brother (the crappy one) saying we wouldn’t be delivering to them, because 180 miles out, and the same back, will take too long for me to hold it, so since there is no ‘safe’ place to pee . . .
A friend of mine said if she has to be out of the house more than two hours, we wears diapers. NO! I am not going there!
PS, I stole some of what you said, and posted it in FB.

Well, Leah, maybe I didn’t make it clear, but there is nothing new going on with training people in survival skills.  It is a recurring requirement that everyone in the military has to take part in so they don’t lose those skills.  So, it’s nothing new.  They all have to do it over and over again.  Call it job security on my part.  And as to how do you pee in those suits …. you don’t.  Normally that’s not a problem.  You allow yourself to become just a tiny bit dehydrated and your body doesn’t have to pee.  You just keep hydrating yourself to the point of slight dehydration.  My personal record is 13 1/2 hours in MOPP 4 without a break and I didn’t have to pee once.  Only drinking water through the mask by a canteen.  Realistically, there is a 12 step process for peeing in the suit, but it’s such a pain that nobody does it.  Those of us who have been doing this for a while learn to balance our internal hydraulics and sweat it out rather than pee it out.

PS … you can’t steal my stuff, since all of my stuff is already stolen.

 

Here’s one from Marsha:

Marsha M

After working 6 days straight my boss had the nerve to say I was being a little negative…I told him he was lucky…cause if I was positive right now he would be paying me and giving me 2 weeks home alone….I do have 24th and 25th off then 6 more to do… starting to want a close encounter so I can quarantine. Would like to purge every room in my house. Ya all be safe out there. Wear your mask and wash your hands…MERRY CHRISTMAS!

A lot of people taking the close encounter two week vacation around here, Marsha.  Maybe you ought to try it yourself.  And a Merry Christmas to you, too.

Stephanie

I appreciate the ..If you look for me….” letter. Just imagine how peaceful if we all followed His teachings. No liars, thieves, or people abandoned. Loving all and being servants to each other.
I feel sorry about your accident, but ice slides happen. Myself and another lady were once in a wreck and neither one of us were anywhere near our cars. We were both at work.

Now, that sounds like an icy parking lot!

Bozo criminal for today probably should have just used his weapon for lunch. From Nashville, Tennessee comes the story of bozo Leonard Feldman who walked into a bank, pointed a small silver object at the teller and told her to hand over all the cash. If she didn’t, our bozo told her, he would set off the bomb he was carrying. While he got away with a small amount of cash, the police quickly caught up with him and his bomb. That silver object he called a bomb turned out to be a hot dog wrapped in aluminum foil.

Let’s take a second to say thank you to Carlos W. for your Christmas donation.  It was very thoughtful and quite timely as well.  Thank you very much, my friend.

I have never before attempted an issue this huge!  This ought to be quite interesting when it it all said and done.  I have a few more cartoons that I want to put in here before it is all said and done, so let’s see if we can’t squeeze them in before we call this an issue and then see if the website will take it, shall we?

This one is from Ted with my deepest thanks:

US Air Force Band as a flash mob at DC’s Union Station.

This is what Christmas was like before COVID.   Hard to remember that long ago ……

Jingle Bells like you have never heard it before!  

https://www.youtube.com/embed/ khQN5ylb3H0?rel=0

Click on the link … it is WELL worth your time!

My good friend is a hypochondriac.  What can I give this woman who has everything?

And that, my dearest friends and loving family, brings me to the end of this incredible Christmas extravaganza!  I truly hope it loads like it should and that all of you get this gift that I have created for you.  I would guess that there is probably 12 hours or so of work put into this issue…so I hope you enjoy. 

So, Merry Christmas my dear, Campers.  My Love to you all.  Thank you for your support all year and may you all have a truly wonderful and blessed holiday.

Good Morning Campers,

I’m not sure when you’ll be getting this issue.  Simply because it’s still Friday, I just finished up the last issue.  The girls aren’t home.  I’ve got one dog lying asleep on one side of the room and the other lying asleep on the other side of the room.  I don’t feel like watching TV. I SHOULD be wrapping Christmas gifts, but I have NO idea how long the girls are going to be gone.  With my luck being the way that it has been.  I’ll get everything out and be just started and they’ll pull up in front of the house and I’ll get caught.  And before you ask, our house is laid out in such a way as for me to have no real place to hide out to do that…so …

DRAGON LAFFS!!!!

HA, HA, HA, HA!!!!!!

I do have some stuff to get caught up with you guys anyway, so after we get some laughter out of the way, maybe we can get some of that out of the way.  First of all, let’s get some personal notes out of the way, right up front…

Thank you Tom for the books.  They came in the mail the other day.  I haven’t had a chance to start them yet, but I am really looking forward to it.  As an explanation to the rest of you, Tom J. knows how much I like to read, as do the rest of you who pay attention to this e-zine (88 books since April 1st or 1 book every 3 days)  (even with my busy work schedule)  and offered me a couple of books that he had written.  And I, of course, said I’d LOVE to give them a shot.  I can’t wait to sit down and read them.  I kind of want to hoard them because they are REAL books rather than the electronic books that I normally get.  There are times when I am locked in “secure” locations for 12 hours at a time that I am not allowed to have electronic devices and I search my house for a paperback that I haven’t read more than a hundred times.  So, part of me really wants to hold these back for one of those times.  The other part of me says, in a screaming little girls voice in the back of my head, “A NEW BOOK, A NEW BOOK, A NEW BOOK!!!!!”  So …. yeah. There’s that.

And thanks to Donnie G.  Your donation was unexpected and very thoughtful.   Thank you very much.

Here’s a question for the mind readers out there.

In STAR WARS anyone can hop in any spaceship and knows how to fly it.

I just spent 20 minutes trying to find the headlights in a rental car.

Burglar broke in last week, but he didn’t take the TV, just the remote.  Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick bastard!

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.  Now every time I talk, I have an AXE scent.

Little is known about the 10th Reindeer … You know … “Olive, the other Reindeer.”

Once pot is legalized …

I’ve gotten some nice comments lately, some cool emails, and some rather strange ones.  I’ll leave it to you to figure out which category each of these fall into…

Leah D

I am in a state of jumble . . . this issue had so many great things, my brain can’t sort the words to complement you! I beg you check with me before you post another issue, see if I, indeed have found a mind laxative to clear out the tangles, you might just put me into a comma, uh . . . . Oh no! see how bad it is functioning?

Leah, it’s always an exciting adventure when I hear from you.  Sit down, relax, take a deep breath.  It will be alright.

Marsha M

I saw that 1 of those professional sport teams were going to change their name because Indians is offensive…May I suggest the name of female pubic patches… sorry these 50 hr weeks are wearing on my brain…is there going to be a shot of common sense coming soon too….some may need more than 2 doses.

Marsha, I think you might be on to something.  The Cleveland Kotex.  Has a nice ring to it.  Nice sponsorship potential.  They could play in Panty Liner Stadium.  All the bats could come in plastic tubes.  Instead of the dugout, it could be the … nah … can’t see them announcing that over the PA.  Anyway, as a wiser man than me once said, “Common Sense isn’t common” so I wouldn’t hold my breath hoping for that to come around anytime soon.  I keep seeing stupid shit going on around me and thinking it can’t possibly get any worse and the world keeps taking my thoughts as a challenge and saying, “Oh you think that was stupid?  Hold my beer and watch this!”

Stephanie

I agree totally. It’s not healthy to work that many days with no time off. You should see if there is perhaps a way to combine a couple of classes. It’s not good to have all of your essence sucked into your personnel file.

Well, I wish there was a way to combine my classes.  Until this COVID thing passes and I can increase my class size back up to where it was, I have to continue to teach smaller classes more often.  And those classes take the same amount of time no matter how many students there are in them.  I’m going to have to get someone in there one day to video tape one of my CBRN classes.  Then go through and edit out the classified portion and the boring stuff and then develop maybe a 15 minute highlights reel or something and show you guys what I do for a living.  Nah!  You guys wouldn’t want to see that.  A couple of years ago there was a series put out by the NRA, of all people, about different career fields in the military, and one of the ones that they did was mine.  The 3E9 or 3 Echo 9.  Now the whole movie is gone, but the trailer still seems to be out there, so here is a quick look at what I do … if you want to be a little frightened for me … lol.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlQf-WDPeCU

Leah D

Oh, now you made me lonesome . . . for my brother, whose only swear word is crap and crappy!
I finally got 32 gift bags made up. and with my husband’s help, wrapped three Huge and Heavy presents for the great grandchildren. The presents left, are small enough I can wrap them alone, and believe me, that speeds construction tremendously. We are almost ready to begin delivering . . . and a state wide snowstorm arrives.

Of course it does … because that’s 2020.  That’s what I’m saying.  I don’t think 2021 is going to be any better, I’m just hoping for different.  We just gotta get out of this crappy year! (That last crappy was for you, dear Leah)

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

Again … just because it’s cool.

An awful lot of effort went into those decorations…

My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl.

Now I’m trying to figure out how he picks up the ball.

Did You Know:  If you text your boss “Go Fuck Yourself”, you don’t have to go to work anymore?

Do Not Drink and Wrap Presents

Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I’m gonna need that back.

I just released my own fragrance.

Nobody in the car seemed to like it.

Thanks to John S. for continuing to provide us with the Bozo Criminal of the Day and especially this one, with a nice Christmassy theme …

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Brooklyn, New York where La Toya Ramon went to the mall so her son could see Santa Claus. When the little boy sat down on Santa’s lap, he looked at Santa and then turned to his mom and said, “Daddy is Santa.” Sure enough, this mall Santa was Neil Ramon, her ex husband who was wanted by the cops for failure to pay child support on his son. Mrs. Ramon happened to have the court papers with her and she presented them to our bozo Santa. Santa will have to look elsewhere for income, since he was fired by the mall after getting into a shouting match with his ex and frightening the other children who were waiting to see him.

This next one is from Stephanie … of course:

ORGASM TYPES
Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitute = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the ex-vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S’moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorrogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honorgasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = Odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn’t very satisfying = There’s the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = Scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn’t make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who’s got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein’s assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms

Um … wow?  Now the big question.  What is your total of how many of those you have had?  Never mind.  I really don’t want to know.

Frozen Baby Dragon?

Is BUTTCHEEKS one word, or should I spread them apart?

I’m not sure if that’s a “good dog” or a “poor abused animal”

I’ve just seen the Batman shampoo in Walmart and I believe they are missing out on a key market by not producing a Conditioner Gordon.

Sigh…I knew this day would come.  I guess it’s time for me to step up for the good of my city, my state, by God, for the good of my country!!!

I have questions …

so…believe it or not, I did some digging and … I ended up being so disappointed.
I was SO HOPING ….
But no ….
It turns out that …

Yes, indeed.  There are places where you can get a little nookie for only $7.50, but as it turns out, it comes in a bottle and it’s only a couple of inches tall.

And with that, my friends, we’re going to leave off there and get this one sent to the printers.  Which means the next issue will be the Christmas Extravaganza!  Which should come out on Christmas Eve.  Until then my friends, may these last couple of days leading up to Christmas not be too crazy for you and may they be some of the happiest and joyous of the year. 

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Today is Friday, although you are reading this on Saturday if I get this done on time … which … shouldn’t be a problem … but every time I say that, a problem seems to pop up all on its own.  So, we’re not going to go there, because I can’t see any value added to pushing our luck here.  We’ve almost made it to the end of the year, although Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos have done their damnedest to throw something different and annoying and horrible seemingly everyday at us, we have persevered and survived.  As of the publication time of this issue, this lousy year has 12 days and 22 hours left to it.  And for this dragon at least, I will never be so glad to put a year in the rearview mirror as I will with this one.

Not that I am expecting great things out of 2021.  Quite frankly, I expect it will be just as big a piece of crap as 2020 was.  Especially with the political bullshit that I know the democrats are going to pull when they take over.  Taking away our freedoms, selling out to the “One World Order”,  making the sheeple march to the beat of the common drum.  Because most people are just blind turnips and can’t see what’s right in front of their noses… but we gotta get out of this year.  2020 has become synonymous with so many bad things that we don’t stand a chance until this year is over and done with.

Gee, this is really not how I expected, nor planned on starting today’s issue.  We REALLY need to get this moving in the opposite direction and get some fun and sunshine in here!!!   So, without further ado …

   

Okay, mistakes happen…I get it … but I’m just shaking my head here and thinking oh poor Detroit, as if you don’t have enough piled on your plate as it is now.

Undercover Cops Posing as Drug Buyers Arrested by Undercover Cops Posing as Drug Dealers

Silke Jasso, <time datetime="<span class="localtime" data-ltformat="F j, Y" data-lttime="2020-08-21T22:27:36+00:00">August 21, 2020 5:27 pm“>August 21, 2020 6:27 pmDetroit’s 12th Precinct went undercover as drug dealers so they could arrest these buyers that they had gotten information on.
Detroit’s 11th Precinct went undercover as drug buyers so they could arrest these drug dealers that they had gotten information on.The Keystone Kops couldn’t have played it better.  Here’s the article with YouTube video and my most embarrassed apologies to my brothers in the law enforcement community. https://rare.us/rare-humor/cops-undercover-mix-up/ 

You know … every now and then you come across a sign and you think to yourself, “Impish, just turn around and walk the other way.  Don’t ask questions.  Don’t get explanations.  Just leave.  Now!”

Again, I have to say … Why?  Why would you ever…?  And then I remember the Heinlein quote.

Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Florida. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, “Say, is this really a healthful place?”
“It sure is,” the cabby replied. “When I came here I couldn’t say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn’t have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed.”
“That’s wonderful!” said the tourist, “How long have you been here?”
“I was born here.”

Another sign of our times … I understand that the woods aren’t always a safe place to be, but if there are predators in there, then I think it’s hunting season fellas!!!

 

Lynn asked me to send out this very special Public Service Announcement for the younger generation … So … please pardon this interruption to your regularly scheduled Dragon Laffs entertainment:

We now return you to your regularly scheduled issue … thank you for your attention during this important interruption.

Last minute addition to everyone’s Christmas list …

Kids???  Heck no!  I want one!!!

Okay, so if I call you guys and ask for bail money … don’t ask too many questions, okay?

My wife just opened my car door for me.

It would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70 mph at the time.

This one just because it’s cool

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems.  Pick one person you hate and blame them for everything.

But there are so many to choose from … Pelosi, Biden, Hillary, … never mind …

Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it actually fit!!  So proud of myself.

It was a scarf.  But still … let’s be positive here.

I sold my house this week.  I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

Keep it up, and you will be a strange smell in the attic.

Dear Stephanie sent me this picture with the subject line of: Seriously????

My reply to her was, How about: Blood of the Slow Running Villagers.  It would be perfect for all the fans of Dragons out there.

My daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

Growing old is hard work… the mind says, “Yes”, but the body says, “What the hell are you thinking?!”

1. Going to bed early.
2. Not leaving my house.
3. Not going to a party.

My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.

So, a few months ago I was on my period and my dad kept sneaking bars of chocolate under my bedroom door then ran downstairs shouting, “SATAN HAS BEEN FED …”

I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding … Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with, “Welcome back everyone.”?

I’m so old, I remember when Multiplication was called “Times Table”

Was never said by any bad guy …

If you need a friend, message me, need a laugh, call me, need a hug, stop by my house, need money, this number is no longer in service.

And let’s finish today’s issue off with a few more Christmas cartoons and then something a little special …

Yes … we truly did.  For me, the 70’s were the best time of my life.  Had the greatest music and my 67 Barracuda was the most bad ass car on the road.  And finally …

Yes … they truly do.  And may Mrs. Dragon and I look as happy when we are as taken care of.  And may all of you be as well.

Until next time dear friends.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon.

Good Morning Campers,

Well, Thursday is here.  And it looks like I may finally get a little time off.  It seems President Trump has given us Federal employees an extra holiday bonus this year and given us Christmas eve as a Federal Holiday.  That’s a wonderful thing.  Presidents Obama and Clinton, when Christmas Day fell on a Friday, gave us poor Federal employees half a day off on Thursday, so by my math, that makes President Trump twice the president that Obama or Clinton was. 

And if you use old math and not the new math that the kids are using, you’ll find that President Trump is at least twice the President that Obama and Clinton were added together.  I can even express it mathematically. 

Trump ≥ 2(Obama + Clinton)

And that, my dear campers, is old school math.

As Christmas gets closer and closer I am trying harder and harder to get into the spirit of the season.  But, it’s really hard this year, as I know it is for a lot of you guys as well.  I am going to lean heavily on you, my beloved friends, family, and fellow campers to get through this with a smile on our faces.  It’s important, if not for us, then for others who rely on us.

So, with that in mind, let’s start this issue rolling …

Okay, so maybe that’s not the best way to start this issue with a smile, but COME ON!  You have to be a blind turnip to not see the shit that is going on in our country right now!  And for them to tell us to just shut up and take it is wrong!

 

Of course you haven’t…because you’re all bought and paid for.  You’re all blind turnips.  Which is now the official Dragon Laffs Logo for anyone who refuses to see the truth. 

Suitable for framing…

Can also be used just as a logo …

And yes, my dear friends, feel free to copy it and paste it anywhere you like… or ignore it and never use it again.  But personally, I think it’s perfect for all the fucking lemmings out there who are blindly following along with the pack. 

Anyway … we need more laughter!!!

Tom J sent me this really great old joke that I thought I’d share with you guys along with his little note that went along with it.

Hi Impish, I don’t know what made me think of this but I did. It’s old for me and I’m an old fart anyway. Could be that some of the younger ones haven’t heard about this poor old Italian who had a hard time at his hotel.

An Italian’s Tale

I’ma come here to a hotel. I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waiter I wanna two piss toast. He bringa me only onea piss. I tella him I wanna two piss–he say, “Go to the toilet.” I say, “You no unnerstan’. I wanna two piss ona my plate.” He say, “You better no piss ona DA plate you sonna ma bitch.” I don’t even know the man and he calla me sonna ma bitch!!

Later, I go to eata soma dinner at another restaurant. The waitress bringa spoon, Ana knife, but no fock. I say, “I wanna fock.” She tella me everbody wanna fock. I say, “You no unnerstan’. I wanna fock on the table.” She say, “You better not fock on the table you sonna ma bitch.” I don’t even know the woman an’ she calla me sonna ma bitch!

So I go back to my hotel, an’ there’s no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager an’ tell him I wanna sheet on the bed. He say, “You better not sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch.” I don’t even know the man an’ he calla me sonna ma bitch!

So I go to check out and the man at the desk, he say, “Peace to you.” I say, “Piss onna you too you sonna ma bitch!!” I go back to Italy!

I don’t know…sounds like all the guys I used to go to school with.

I know, right?  The naughty list is now the, “Hey, let’s try this.” List.  Right, Stephanie?  Where’s Stephanie?

And the funny thing is … the very next email I open up from Stephanie says, and I quote:

I wish I lacked critical thinking skills.  Y’all seem so happy.

Wow!  Thanks, I needed that.

Here’s another oldie but goodie …

A man in Denver, CO. decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read “$10,000 a minute.” Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, Green Bay, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and got the same answer from each pastor.. Finally, he arrived in Texas . Upon entering a church in Fort Worth, Tx., behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read “Calls: 25 cents. Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. “Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church, I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?” The pastor, smiling, replied, “Son, you’re in Texas now. This is God’s country…it’s a local call.”

From the top of the roof
To the top of the wall
Now dash away,
Dash away,
Dash away, all
Yes, even dragons like to reenact …

All I want for Christmas is to be off the car warranty call list.

This is wrong!  Why are we not shouting this from the roof tops?!

“Make Them Pay”: Michigan State Rep. Cynthia Johnson Instructs “Soldiers” to Go After Trump Supporters

by Patriot Outlook about an hour ago

The party of unity is putting out calls for “soldiers” to make Trump supporters pay for not signing on, mind, body, and soul to the Democratic agenda.

As first reported by the Daily Caller, Democrat Michigan State Rep. Cynthia Johnson took to Facebook live and began rallying what she calls “soldiers” to action against Trump supporters, with the agenda item being “make them pay.”

“So this is just a warning to you Trumpers. Be careful, walk lightly, we ain’t playing with you,” said Jones. “Enough of the shenanigans. Enough is enough. And for those of you who are soldiers, you know how to do it. Do it right, be in order, make them pay.”

According to the Daily Caller, Johnson did not respond to questions about her video.

Going to Johnson’s Facebook page where the video is currently displayed, you’ll notice that comments were turned off for the post and the only ones that were allowed to remain were posts cheering her on.

This can’t be interpreted as anything but a call to violence against Trump supporters. It’s a threat that Democrats should be forced to answer for, especially Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, who have been attempting to spread the idea of “unity” between the parties.

This, once again, proves that the idea of “unity” among the Democrats isn’t the unity one would typically think of, where two different sides come together out of mutual respect and willingness to cooperate. This is “unity” in the same way the borg want “unity.”

Biden and Harris should be made to answer for this. If the shoe was on the other foot, the mainstream media would be screeching from every working speaker and television screen about the violence and danger of Trump supporters, yet they’re quiet as church mice and continue to push the idea that the Democrats only what peace and togetherness as they “heal” this nation.

This isn’t pushing for healing. This is pushing for something that looks an awful lot like civil war.

This is CRAP!  I want to know why no one in the media is saying anything about this!  Because Patriot Outlook is absolutely right.  If this shoe was on the other foot the lame stream media would be screaming from every fucking rooftop! You know it, I know, and by GOD they know it too!  And why are we, the AMERICAN DAMN PUBLIC not holding them accountable!?  Cynthia Johnson, you should be ashamed of yourself!  To call yourself a State Representative!  You represent ALL of your people!  Not calling out half of them to go to war on the other half!  What kind of bullshit is that!  And Biden and Harris?  If you don’t call this Bitch out, then you are just as complicit in her bullshit as she is!  I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU TO BE A GROWN UP AND STAND UP AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.  You are supposed to be the “President and Vice-President Elect” (sarcasm added).  ACT LIKE IT!

Okay … I’m sorry I veered off track, it’s been a really crappy day for me and this essay  from Patriot Outlook really set me off.  We had our first real snowfall today and I slid off and hit a fucking light indicator pole on my way into the base this morning.  Before anyone gets too upset, there was no damage to me or the car and I just bent the little pole over at an angle, but the fucking paperwork and red tape when you damage government property is ridiculous!  Plus the overwhelming embarrassment of having a 3 mph accident and having to report to everyone about it … well … let’s just say … I’VE HAD A CRAPPY DAY!!  Just added to a crappy week, and a crappy month and a crappy … well … you get the idea.

So, on with the laughter…

You guys have your “Alexia” devices that answers your questions and acts as an electronic servant.  I have Harvey … and he’s a little more … flexible than Alexia is.

If you have baby fever, take a nap.

If you enjoyed the nap, don’t have another baby.

I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables, but when I get home they’re just regular donuts.

Yeah … I know, we’ve seen these before I think, but they were all attached, so it’s actually all one picture.

Yup, that one, too…so I’ll give you a few more.

You guys think 2020 is bad?

Just wait until it turns 21 and it starts drinking!

I spent hours making a beautiful cake for my friend.  She asked what kind of cake it was and looked at me in absolute horror when I told her it was a hummingbird cake.

“But I’m a vegetarian!” she screamed at me.

I didn’t bother to explain.  Took my cake and left.

And with that very lovely Christmas photo, I’ve got to call it quits for today.  still have work in the morning.  May you all have a much better day than I have had and make it full of laughter.

Cheers!