Good Morning Campers,

I’m not sure when you’ll be getting this issue.  Simply because it’s still Friday, I just finished up the last issue.  The girls aren’t home.  I’ve got one dog lying asleep on one side of the room and the other lying asleep on the other side of the room.  I don’t feel like watching TV. I SHOULD be wrapping Christmas gifts, but I have NO idea how long the girls are going to be gone.  With my luck being the way that it has been.  I’ll get everything out and be just started and they’ll pull up in front of the house and I’ll get caught.  And before you ask, our house is laid out in such a way as for me to have no real place to hide out to do that…so …

DRAGON LAFFS!!!!

HA, HA, HA, HA!!!!!!

I do have some stuff to get caught up with you guys anyway, so after we get some laughter out of the way, maybe we can get some of that out of the way.  First of all, let’s get some personal notes out of the way, right up front…

Thank you Tom for the books.  They came in the mail the other day.  I haven’t had a chance to start them yet, but I am really looking forward to it.  As an explanation to the rest of you, Tom J. knows how much I like to read, as do the rest of you who pay attention to this e-zine (88 books since April 1st or 1 book every 3 days)  (even with my busy work schedule)  and offered me a couple of books that he had written.  And I, of course, said I’d LOVE to give them a shot.  I can’t wait to sit down and read them.  I kind of want to hoard them because they are REAL books rather than the electronic books that I normally get.  There are times when I am locked in “secure” locations for 12 hours at a time that I am not allowed to have electronic devices and I search my house for a paperback that I haven’t read more than a hundred times.  So, part of me really wants to hold these back for one of those times.  The other part of me says, in a screaming little girls voice in the back of my head, “A NEW BOOK, A NEW BOOK, A NEW BOOK!!!!!”  So …. yeah. There’s that.

And thanks to Donnie G.  Your donation was unexpected and very thoughtful.   Thank you very much.

Here’s a question for the mind readers out there.

In STAR WARS anyone can hop in any spaceship and knows how to fly it.

I just spent 20 minutes trying to find the headlights in a rental car.

Burglar broke in last week, but he didn’t take the TV, just the remote.  Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick bastard!

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.  Now every time I talk, I have an AXE scent.

Little is known about the 10th Reindeer … You know … “Olive, the other Reindeer.”

Once pot is legalized …

I’ve gotten some nice comments lately, some cool emails, and some rather strange ones.  I’ll leave it to you to figure out which category each of these fall into…

Leah D

I am in a state of jumble . . . this issue had so many great things, my brain can’t sort the words to complement you! I beg you check with me before you post another issue, see if I, indeed have found a mind laxative to clear out the tangles, you might just put me into a comma, uh . . . . Oh no! see how bad it is functioning?

Leah, it’s always an exciting adventure when I hear from you.  Sit down, relax, take a deep breath.  It will be alright.

Marsha M

I saw that 1 of those professional sport teams were going to change their name because Indians is offensive…May I suggest the name of female pubic patches… sorry these 50 hr weeks are wearing on my brain…is there going to be a shot of common sense coming soon too….some may need more than 2 doses.

Marsha, I think you might be on to something.  The Cleveland Kotex.  Has a nice ring to it.  Nice sponsorship potential.  They could play in Panty Liner Stadium.  All the bats could come in plastic tubes.  Instead of the dugout, it could be the … nah … can’t see them announcing that over the PA.  Anyway, as a wiser man than me once said, “Common Sense isn’t common” so I wouldn’t hold my breath hoping for that to come around anytime soon.  I keep seeing stupid shit going on around me and thinking it can’t possibly get any worse and the world keeps taking my thoughts as a challenge and saying, “Oh you think that was stupid?  Hold my beer and watch this!”

Stephanie

I agree totally. It’s not healthy to work that many days with no time off. You should see if there is perhaps a way to combine a couple of classes. It’s not good to have all of your essence sucked into your personnel file.

Well, I wish there was a way to combine my classes.  Until this COVID thing passes and I can increase my class size back up to where it was, I have to continue to teach smaller classes more often.  And those classes take the same amount of time no matter how many students there are in them.  I’m going to have to get someone in there one day to video tape one of my CBRN classes.  Then go through and edit out the classified portion and the boring stuff and then develop maybe a 15 minute highlights reel or something and show you guys what I do for a living.  Nah!  You guys wouldn’t want to see that.  A couple of years ago there was a series put out by the NRA, of all people, about different career fields in the military, and one of the ones that they did was mine.  The 3E9 or 3 Echo 9.  Now the whole movie is gone, but the trailer still seems to be out there, so here is a quick look at what I do … if you want to be a little frightened for me … lol.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlQf-WDPeCU

Leah D

Oh, now you made me lonesome . . . for my brother, whose only swear word is crap and crappy!
I finally got 32 gift bags made up. and with my husband’s help, wrapped three Huge and Heavy presents for the great grandchildren. The presents left, are small enough I can wrap them alone, and believe me, that speeds construction tremendously. We are almost ready to begin delivering . . . and a state wide snowstorm arrives.

Of course it does … because that’s 2020.  That’s what I’m saying.  I don’t think 2021 is going to be any better, I’m just hoping for different.  We just gotta get out of this crappy year! (That last crappy was for you, dear Leah)

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

Again … just because it’s cool.

An awful lot of effort went into those decorations…

My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl.

Now I’m trying to figure out how he picks up the ball.

Did You Know:  If you text your boss “Go Fuck Yourself”, you don’t have to go to work anymore?

Do Not Drink and Wrap Presents

Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I’m gonna need that back.

I just released my own fragrance.

Nobody in the car seemed to like it.

Thanks to John S. for continuing to provide us with the Bozo Criminal of the Day and especially this one, with a nice Christmassy theme …

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Brooklyn, New York where La Toya Ramon went to the mall so her son could see Santa Claus. When the little boy sat down on Santa’s lap, he looked at Santa and then turned to his mom and said, “Daddy is Santa.” Sure enough, this mall Santa was Neil Ramon, her ex husband who was wanted by the cops for failure to pay child support on his son. Mrs. Ramon happened to have the court papers with her and she presented them to our bozo Santa. Santa will have to look elsewhere for income, since he was fired by the mall after getting into a shouting match with his ex and frightening the other children who were waiting to see him.

This next one is from Stephanie … of course:

ORGASM TYPES
Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitute = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the ex-vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S’moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorrogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honorgasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = Odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn’t very satisfying = There’s the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = Scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn’t make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who’s got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein’s assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms

Um … wow?  Now the big question.  What is your total of how many of those you have had?  Never mind.  I really don’t want to know.

Frozen Baby Dragon?

Is BUTTCHEEKS one word, or should I spread them apart?

I’m not sure if that’s a “good dog” or a “poor abused animal”

I’ve just seen the Batman shampoo in Walmart and I believe they are missing out on a key market by not producing a Conditioner Gordon.

Sigh…I knew this day would come.  I guess it’s time for me to step up for the good of my city, my state, by God, for the good of my country!!!

I have questions …

so…believe it or not, I did some digging and … I ended up being so disappointed.
I was SO HOPING ….
But no ….
It turns out that …

Yes, indeed.  There are places where you can get a little nookie for only $7.50, but as it turns out, it comes in a bottle and it’s only a couple of inches tall.

And with that, my friends, we’re going to leave off there and get this one sent to the printers.  Which means the next issue will be the Christmas Extravaganza!  Which should come out on Christmas Eve.  Until then my friends, may these last couple of days leading up to Christmas not be too crazy for you and may they be some of the happiest and joyous of the year. 

Cheers!

Impish Dragon