Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Christmas time is coming and although it’s going to be quite a small one here at the Dragon household, I am still trying my very best to get into the Christmas spirit.  Today is Sunday, I just spent all day yesterday working my tail off teaching a very full CBRN class and I’m not saying I had some surprise students show up … but I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves.  We were able to get some old style masks to fit the reindeer.  Believe it or not, the hardest part was trying to find all those xtra-small suits to fit the elves! And no, before you ask, I didn’t have any trouble at all keeping order in my classroom.  Any of you who know me, or have been in any of my classes before know that is not, and never has been an issue.

I spent the morning with Izzy Dragon doing some Christmas shopping for Mrs. Dragon.  I think she probably did a little for me, too.  She did wonder off on her own for a bit. 

So, for the rest of the day, I’m going to sit here, relax, and get this issue knocked out for you guys.  I hope you find it enjoyable.

 

I don’t know … if you’ve got boys for grandkids and can make some sort of murdery scene out of them, they’d probably get a kick out of it.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in South Plympton, Australia. The cops were called to a report of a prowler at a building site. When they arrived, they cordoned off the area and brought in a K-9 patrol. After initially finding nothing, the cops noticed something strange. A statue that seemed to be out of place. Further investigation found that the statue seemed to be breathing. Yep, our bozo had hidden in plain sight by pretending to be a statue. He’s busted! Charged with criminal trespass.

I actually also heard this one on Bob and Sheri’s moron of the day recently.  Very funny and takes a lot of balls to try and pull off.  Makes me wonder how the dogs didn’t pick up on it.

My favorite Christmas Tree pick so far.

The Tank Isn’t the Only Thing Empty Here

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Blair County, Pennsylvania. Let’s follow along in this Bozo Timeline. One: Steal a gray Audi SUV. Check. Two: Take off on Route 22 but fail to check the vehicle’s gas gauge. Uh, check. Three: Coast to a stop on the side of the road and call, not AAA, not a tow truck, but instead the state police to ask for help. Check. Four: Go to jail after the cop arrives and determines the vehicle is stolen. Check and busted!

Many, many of which are not going to be home this year for the holidays.  I actually know a guy who is shipping out the day after Christmas…and he considers himself fortunate that he gets to spend Christmas day at home with his family.  Let’s all take a minute or two this holiday season to drop a quick prayer and word of thanks for the men and women who are out there protecting our freedom.  Those men and women who have put their asses on the line for you and I and for what?  For crappy pay, shitty hours, terrible living conditions, and being away from their families. For the sole benefit and joy of being able to put their skin and bones between us and the evil that exists in this world right now.  Thank you my brothers and sisters for your service and dedication.

Did You Know:  The largest modern turtle ever recorded was a leatherback turtle that washed up on Harlech Beach, Wales, in 1988.  It was estimated to be 100 years old, was almost 9 feet in length, and weighted 2,016 pounds!

Just for comparison purposes … and I looked it up … that is a little more than 2/3 the size of a VW Beetle!  Which is about 13 feet long and about 3,000 pounds!  Can you imagine finding a turtle on the beach close to the same size as a friggin’ car!!!!

I’m not sure if I’ve used that cartoon before or if I’ve just gotten it from so many people and it’s finally gotten it’s way into rotation.  But, just to be sure and because it’s so funny, I used it again.

And if it’s a repeat, it’s funny, so there!

I took Mrs. Dragon on a winter holiday one year.  She likes the cold weather, it allows her hot-bloodedness to come out.

I’m going with – Not so much.  I’m also going with – pissed off at whoever took the picture instead of stopping the kids from filling the gas tank with water.

I knew those damn things grew on trees!  There’s just too damn many of them for any other logical explanation.

It’s December!  The time of year we can wear cozy clothes and stay in.  Like the other 11 months of 2020 but more festive.

I think I just heard that one lady on Facebook have a heart attack.

We tried that, Sweetheart, remember?  And you kept screaming, “How the hell did you get in my house!”  So, it didn’t work out anywhere near like you hoped it would.

We are not all in the same boat.  We are all in the same storm.  Some have yachts, some canoes, and some are drowning.  Just be kind and help whomever you can.

And that doesn’t mean just COVID-19, or even 2020.  This has been a rough couple of years for me, as many of you know and many of you have reached out a helping hand and have extended out a loving word and and kind prayers to me and my family.  And that is what family is all about.  Many of you have told me that Dragon Laffs is one of the few things that is helping you get through the day and that is one of the motivations that I have to keep going.  Not that I need a motivation to keep going because I love doing this as much as I think most of you love reading it, but you understand what I’m saying.

Help others whenever you can.  Even if it’s like the guy this morning who cut Izzy Dragon and I off on the way into the parking lot and then went the wrong way on the one-way road.  When I blasted my horn at him and gave him the finger, I felt like I was helping him out by showing him the error of his ways.  And when I saw where he parked and watched him go into the store, and walked around to the far side of his car and let the air out of two of his tires, I know I was teaching him a valuable lesson in humility and good manners, because when we came out of the store and he was gazing up at the sky and speaking with God, I knew I had made my point.  But, just to be sure, I pulled past him in my car, rolled down my window and asked him if everything was all right.  He told me he had two flat tires.  I said, “Huh!  That’s very surprising.  They didn’t look flat when you cut us off and drove like a jackass pulling into the parking lot.  Well, good luck to you.”  And the young man looked quite contrite as Izzy and I drove home.  So yes, I do believe I helped that young man out.

And I think all of you understand that that is NOT the kind of help we are really talking about when we say, “Just be kind and help whomever you can.”

Don’t forget to get your hair done first you bitch.

We had this ref at out last dart tournament who was just so full of himself I had to take a picture and share it with you guys. 

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead, she’s a the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel!

I know what women want!!

They want you to drag them to the bedroom, throw them on the bed, and clean the dirty dishes while they take a nap.

And if you don’t get how adorably cute this one is, you’re way to friggin’ young!

Okay, let’s read some mail, shall we?

Here’s one from our dear friend Leah …

Leah D.

Ok, you have me totally worried now! Yes, I am concerned for your physical and mental health, having to work so many days and hours. But what really worries me, is, if you train people people how to survive biological warfare . . . and recently, a new, unknown, sickness hit India . . . what is it you aren’t telling us?

Maybe you should be teaching how to survive fear mongering!

Leah, dear, don’t you think that if there was anything at all to worry about that I’d tell you?  —– Okay, let me ask that another way —– Don’t you think that if there was anything to worry about that I could tell you? —– Okay, that didn’t sound any better, did it?  —– Why do you think Santa, his elves, and reindeer were in my class this Saturday?  —– Okay, that’s not good either.  Leah, I can neither confirm nor deny that there is anything at all to worry about at this time.  How’s that?

Okay, moving on.  No more letters.  No more.

But here is a PSA … A Public Service Announcement from our own Dear Stephanie:

Thanks Steph … that was … um … something.

Now that’s a bookshelf!!!  I know what I’m asking Santa for!!!

Oh!  Oh!  Oh!  Santa!  While you’re bringing me stuff …. I want this too!!!!

Headline:  Alabama Man Gets Sister Pregnant After Unknowingly Having Sex With Her During “Furry” Party.
Stephanie, where the hell do you find these things?

My God, that is the perfect answer …

There was a picture in my phone of me sleeping.

I live alone.

No kidding.

Some people will only love you as long as you fit in their box.

Don’t be afraid to shove that box up their ass.

I had my patience tested — I’m negative!!!

Ladies, if you come across a man who is smart, humble, well educated, financially secure, passionate, patient, mind-blowing in bed, hot, great at fixing things around the house, can cook, love you like he can never get enough of you, and listens to every word you say …

Then please be assured that the shit you are smoking is of superior quality.

If you message me and I don’t respond, please assume I saw something shiny and forgot about what I was doing.

And I’m thinking … that’s not a bad price …

And I think that is just the right sentiment to end today’s episode on.  Tune in on Thursday for the next exciting installment of Dragon Laffs and see where our heroes end up.

Love and Happiness to you all.

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Saturday Morning … or it should be if this gets published on the day it’s supposed to be published.  Hopefully, I’ll have enough time between now and then to do just that.  As you may have noticed, my life is a teeny bit busy and crazy right now.  I think every one is trying to get a month’s worth of work done in two weeks so that they can take time off over the holidays.  If so, they are doing it at the expense of everyone else.  I guess that’s natural…if a little self-centered.  And with everyone doing it to everyone else, it’s really not accomplishing shit. 

Then there’s me … NOT pushing my work off on anyone else.  In fact, I’ve got one guy teleworking and the other guy is home sick.  So, I’m effectively a one-man shop right now.  Yeah, the proverbial one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. 

But, I love my job.

If I keep saying it often enough and loud enough, I’ll keep believing it.  I do believe it right now.  It’s a very interesting job.  Some days more interesting than others.  And some days really make me go hmmm. 

But, enough about me and my woes.  This is the show about you!  And what a show we have for you today!  Let’s tell them what they’ve won, Johnny!

Thanks, Impish!  Today, for our fine Campers we have the same stuff we always have to make them laugh, plus some really great comments on the NFL, and … hell, I don’t know, you didn’t prep me for this at all. 

Thanks Johnny!  Another great job, as always!

Kiss my ass, Impish.

And with that … let’s move on to the good stuff.

Never underestimate your ability to overestimate your ability. 

The father was very proud when his son went off to college.
He came to tour the school on Parents’ Day and observed his son hard at work in the chemistry lab.
“What are you working on?” he asked.
“A universal solvent,” explained the son, ” a solvent that’ll dissolve anything.”
The father whistled, clearly impressed, then wondered aloud, “What’ll you keep it in?”

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, “I hear that you’ve been telling people that I’m ugly!”
“Oh NO! I’ve just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive.”
“I also heard that you’ve been calling me fat?!?”
“Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are.”
“I’ve also heard that you’re saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!”
“Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!”

Send resumes to impishdragon@gmail.com

This one really cracked me up.  And if you don’t get it, you’re really young.

Have you ever woken up, kissed the person beside you and thanked the Lord you’re alive?  I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.

My wife is so much better looking than me, that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries …

Okay, so this is funny to everyone in my career field …

And I had four of these guys in my class last week …

My husband just informed me that he will be doing nothing today as he works hard all week and deserves a day to do nothing.

—- in case you’re wondering why I need bail money.

School was interesting for a young dragon …

So, you guys remember the request I had to come up with a new meaning for NFL … I’m still hoping for a few more inputs, but this is what I’ve got so far:

Cynical John

Don’t have anything for the NFL, but I think the Washington team ought to change its name to the “Washington Team–Football.” Then we could just say WTF,

ROFLMAO!  That’s perfect!

Marsha M

Just a thought for your NFL…
Nother F..king Looser….you can fill in the dots as U C fit. Enjoy your stuff we think a like…scares me a little how about you?

I LIKE IT!  No.  I LOVE IT!  It’s perfect.  A female who thinks like I do?  Doesn’t scare me a little, it scares the hell out of me.  So, send me your resume, prison record, and mug shot and we’ll talk.

And then I also got this one from our dear fellow camper Leah …

Leah D

“The Book” of which you speak, is the ONLY one I have ever read, that the movie was just as good, or better than. The actors were perfect for the characters. My favorite part was the poison . . . I still try to reason it out.
NFL . . . have to reason on that one too!

My dear Leah, I agree with you 100%  I know that there have been other movies that have been as good as the books they were based on … I just can’t think of any off the top of my head.  But that one sure was.

My Aunty Suzy … she works for the Collections Department at a Loan Company.  She’s very good at her job.

Hell yes I want one!

From a school Sex Ed Class:  One kid in my class asked if you could get STDs from having sex with a chicken.  Kind of put him on the spot and was a little suspicious…

I gotta wonder where Stephanie keeps getting these weird things …

I ran out of coffee this morning.

Tequila Jameson seemed a reasonable replacement.

Everyone is so pretty today.

From a School Sex Ed Class:  (Again from Stephanie)  There was a kid in class who raised his hand and asked, “What’s it called when girls spray out that liquid during sex?”  The teacher responded, “Girls don’t do that.” He said, “Trust me, it’s real.  I’ve seen it a bunch of times in videos.”  She never responded.  That was sixth grade.

Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, “Notice anything different?”

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought dogs are easily amused.  Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.

Notice to all female campers and Dragon Laffs Readers:  Please stop asking Santa for the perfect man … three times he’s tried to kidnap me this week.  Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

Behind every angry woman, stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Dan T sent me this picture with this comment: 

Dear Mr. Dragon,

I saw this pic and thought you might enjoy it 🙂

All best,
Dan

Yes Dan … that is WAY COOL!  I would definitely enjoy that ride.  Looks to me like it is age appropriate as well.

They say life is too short to hold grudges.

I think life is too short to be letting people get away with the same shit.

Is it rude to toss a Xanax in someone’s mouth while they’re talking?

You’re dust, and you will return to dust …

That’s why I do not dust, it could be someone I know.

Despite the old saying, “Don’t take your troubles to bed”, many women still sleep with their husbands.

A married man takes his girl friend on a date.  In a playful and romantic conversation in the restaurant with the girl friend, he says to her, “Let me hear words that will increase my heartbeat.”

She says, “Your wife is sitting behind us.”

Stop petting my peeves!

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED …

That people won’t take the time to look up important information, but they’ll spend 15 minutes taking a quiz to find out what kind of potato they are?

Josh got this quick note from John S.  Thought I’d share it with you guys before we had to quit for the night:

I wasn’t allowed to say anything until today, but it’s now okay for me to share that I volunteered for the Covid-19 vaccine. The vaccine is the one that has been developed in Russia. It is in 6 different stages and I received my first dose at 6:20 this morning and I wanted to let you all know that it is totally safe and I’m ok, with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι я чувю себя немного стрно и я думю, что вытл осные уши. чувству себя немго страо.

Comrades

Sent from my iPhone

Okay brother John, we’re rooting for you.  And will keep you in our prayers … um … Comrade.

If your cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra.

And that’s going to do it for today my friends.  I had a wonderful time and while you are having a wonderful time reading through this, I’ll be teaching another class trying to get ahead for the Christmas holiday.

May you have a joyous weekend.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon.

Good Morning Campers,

First of all, I’d like to offer my humblest apologies to those of you who, pointed out, and rightfully so, that I missed out on Pearl Harbor Day in my last issue.  I was called out several times in both the comments and in emails.  In my own defense I didn’t really forget as much as I just ran out of time and energy. 

I was also visited by the Ghost of Lethal Leprechaun who told me that I forgot the Marine Corps birthday back on the 10th of November and I can’t quite remember if I had a good excuse for that one or not other than the fact that if falls right adjacent to Veteran’s Day and that was probably enough to cause me to forget.

It should go to show you how friggin’ crazy my life is right now, though.   My last day off was Thanksgiving.  And I think my next one is Christmas. 

Sigh.

So…. accept my apologies and we’ll move on.  Otherwise … well … we’ll move on anyway.

And to top it all off, I just got a phone call with a pre-recorded message from the social security administration saying that an arrest warrant has been issued in my name for fraudulent use of my social security number!  And it even came across my official government cell phone!  Oh my God, what am I going to  … yeah, never mind.  It wasn’t even funny the first half dozen times it happened.  I really wish it was a real person who would call instead of a stupid recorded message.

Anyway … enough with the mea culpas and onward with the laughter!

    

Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital
A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.
Furious film fan and part-time plus-size XXXL model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the ‘Ink It Good’ Tattoo Emporium in Wellgate, Yorkshire last week, to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the  iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.
Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.
“It was a big job in more ways than one”, he told us “I’d just lit a roll-up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense  a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie  bush fire.”
Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.
“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe  in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”
Jason and Tracey  were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow’s not there anymore. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind would be more appropriate.  You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”
But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant.

“I’m still in agony,” she said, “and  Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go when he’s doing close up work,  there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course.  My Kev knows that I give him my five-second warning, and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t  get chance – it just quietly crept out.”
Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we asked him to comment on what had happened.
“People just don’t appreciate the dangers,”  he told us. “We get more call outs to flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days now that people have moved  over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse-inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future. On behalf of the entire Fire and Rescue service, we wish them both a swift recovery.”
You couldn’t make it up!

When an Aussie says, “Just down the road.” It can be anywhere from a block, to a kilometer, to a 3 day drive.  Just down the road.

A man goes to his ophthalmologist for his annual eye exam.

The doctor puts a contraption on his face and asks what he can see.

“I see empty airports, empty football stadiums and malls, ” he says.

“I also see closed theaters, closed bars, closed restaurants.”

“That’s perfect,” says the ophthalmologist.  “You have 2020 vision.”

There are some great travel benefits to being married to a dragon.

I drink coffee because without it, I’m basically a 2 year-old whose blankie is in the washer.

Paraprosdokians

 

First time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them. Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Sir Winston Churchill loved them)

 

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

 

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you …but it’s still on my list.

 

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

 

5. We never really grow up — we only learn how to act in public.

 

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

 

7. Knowledge, is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

 

9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

 

10. In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of an emergency, notify…” I answered “a doctor.

 

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

 

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

 

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

 

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

 

15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

 

16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

 

17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find someone older than me.

 

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Bristol, Connecticut, where Bozo Joseph Castellano walked into a Dunkin’ Donuts wearing a jacket with his name on it and carrying a fake pistol. He shoved the gun in the clerk’s face and demanded money. When the clerk started crying, the bozo tried to calm her down by showing her the gun was fake. He then said to forget about the money, just give him a cup of coffee to go, which the waitress did. The bozo then walked out of the Dunkin’ Donuts and right into his home, which was only two doors away. He was enjoying his cup of coffee when police arrived.

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.’

The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, I sure am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?’

The other woman answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’

The first one responds, ‘So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?’

The other woman says, ‘A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.’

The first one says, ‘Faith and begorrah it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?’

The other woman answers, ‘Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.’

The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?’

The other woman answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’

The first woman exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!’

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.

Michael asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’

Brian answers, ‘The Murphy twins are drunk again!’

Impish Dragon Family Gathering …

Overheard child singing: “He’s making a list, chicken and rice …”

I almost caught COVID yesterday, but I quickly stood on a social distancing sticker and put an end to that shit.

I ordered a dozen of these for certain “friends” on my Christmas list.

The best part of waking up …

Is still a mystery to me.

I actually met someone the other day who had never watched the movie or read the book … I was both incredibly saddened and jealous.  Saddened because he had missed out on so much and jealous because he had that incredible adventure ahead of him yet … and if you don’t know to which book/movie I am referring to … then you are one lucky bastard.  Go out and get it NOW!!!!!

2014:  Didn’t jog

2015: Didn’t jog

2016:  Didn’t jog

2017:  Didn’t jog

2018:  Didn’t jog

2019:  Didn’t jog

2020:  Still haven’t jogged

This is a running joke.

Now we need one for NFL.  I’ve been working on it, but can only come up with a couple.  Natural Fucking Liar
National Fucking Loafer
None Fucking Looking
But I really don’t like any of those … so … mission for the class.

And if you don’t get that one … you’re too friggin’ young!!!

TAKEN FROM ACTUAL RESUMES…
“Personal: I’m married with 9 children. I don’t require prescription drugs.
“I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability.”
“Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I’m a class act and do not come cheap.”
“Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”
“Number of dependents: 40.”
“Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.”
“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
“Responsibility makes me nervous.”
“They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
“While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.”
“I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.”
“My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
“I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.”
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
“Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.”

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it IS vanishing cream!”

And that’s it for today my friends.  I hope you enjoyed the issue.  I hope I have time to give you a Saturday issue.  I’m working AGAIN this weekend.  I know, right?  Anyway, my love you to you all.

Cheers!

Impish

Good Morning Campers,

I don’t remember why I used this header originally, but I like it so I figure it’s a good enough reason to use it again.  It is an awesome looking picture and the lair of the Dragon Queen is a demonically majestic affair … and a bitch to keep clean … but that is a story for another time.

Anyway, thanks to all of you who wrote in and told me it was quite alright for me to get some sleep.  I appreciate it and will copy you hear with some of the better ones further in this issue.

In the meantime, I think it best to just get to the laughter, don’t you?

 

Heaven forbid!  Don’t do that!!!

Why do celebrities always say they are moving to Canada?  What’s the matter with Mexico?  Are they racists?

Watching my daughter at the park earlier.  Another parent asked, “Which one’s yours?”  Just for fun I said, “I’m still choosing.” She looked horrified.

I’m sick of numbers defining me.  My GPA, My weight, My First Degree Murder Convictions, My Grades.  These things aren’t who I am!

I really, REALLY like this one:
Whatever you’re doing today, do it with the confidence of a 4-year-old in a Batman T-Shirt!

2020: I’m not adding this year to my age.  I didn’t use it.

Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair.

I’ve heard nothing since.

I have, as a former bomb loader, loaded bombs with messages on them, faces on them, pictures on them, personalized directions on them, and other things on them.  So, this particular picture, although not one of mine, still brings back fond memories.

Thank you Lynn, for this next one and I agree with you 100% that it should be shared over and over and over again:

 

After you turn 50 years old:  You can’t recognize letters up close, but you can recognize idiots from far away.

Although … this one is from Lynn too: 

Anybody have an owners manual for a husband?  Mine’s making a whining sound.

I really only included that joke for the Jameson reference, for it is indeed the Nectar of the Gods.  Otherwise, it’s a pretty old joke.

Leah D. writes: 

When I saw this, I got a big laugh out of it, and I thought of what you wrote in the message you sent today.

EXACTLY!!!!

And now is a good time to show you the comments from our loving campers:

Aussie Peter

HANG IN THERE MATE, WE’LL WAIT. AUSSIE PETE.

Joe L

thank you for the quick note. but……your sleep is always more important than letting us know. if you don’t take care of yourself, we don’t get any laffs! sleep well and may your body be revitalized!!

Thanks guys!  I appreciate your concern.  Truly.

nogardcimsoc

If dragons don’t get their proper sleep, they turn really vicious. Can’t be having that. Sleep well, Impish.

Donnie G

Get your sleep, Impish. Can’t be having sleep-deprived, cranky dragons flying about, wreaking havoc, causing chaos, devouring virgins, destroying civilization, (wait, is THIS was 2020 has been all about?!? Sleep deprived dragons?)

Don’t be blaming this shit on me and my mates!   Well, the devouring virgins part maybe, …. But none of the rest of that nonsense!!!

Well, now it’s Sunday night and I’m running out of time for this for Monday.  It’s been a lousy weekend with work.  I’ve had like zero time to do anything else.  So … Happy Holidays!!!!

Yeah, right!

We gotta laugh folks!  Cause this sucks.

Okay, I’m printing this next one as a public service for so many of you guys out there … I think I’ve gotten it from 20 or 30 of you, plus I’ve gotten it from about a dozen people who aren’t even Dragon Laffs readers.  So here it is… as a public service announcement:

Those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together? Every time I come around the corner, I think it’s the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my beer out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive.

It’s just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

Now … all of you anxiety ridden people can settle down … just do like I do and ignore all of it… or shoot first.

People think I’m crazy because I talk to my dogs.  What am I supposed to do?  Just ignore them when they ask me a question?

Quite frankly, the “F” word can be the ONLY word in the English language that accurately describes some situations.

The word is “FEAR” of course!  What in world were you thinking?  Sometimes I truly worry about you!

Wise Advice from a Farmer’s Wife

Whenever you return a borrowed pie pan, make sure it’s got a warm pie in it.

Invite lots of folks to supper. You can always add more water to the soup.

There’s no such thing as a woman’s work on a farm. There’s just work.

Make home a happy place for the children. Everybody returns to their happy place.

Always keep a small light on in the kitchen window at night.

If your man gets his truck stuck in the field, don’t go in after him. Throw him a rope and pull him out with the tractor.

Keep the kerosene lamp away from the milk cow’s leg.

It’s a whole lot easier to get breakfast from a chicken than a pig.

Always pat the chickens when you take their eggs.

It’s easy to clean an empty house, but hard to live in one.

All children spill milk. Learn to smile and wipe it up.

Homemade’s always better’n store bought.

A tongue’s like a knife. The sharper it is the deeper it cuts.

A good neighbor always knows when to visit and when to leave.

A city dog wants to run out the door, but a country dog stays on the porch ’cause he’s not fenced-in.

Always light birthday candles from the middle outward.

Nothin’ gets the frustrations out better’n splittn’ wood.

The longer dress hem, the more trusting the husband.

Enjoy doing your children’s laundry. Some day they’ll be gone.

You’ll never catch a runnin’ chicken but if you throw seed around the back door you’ll have a skillet full by supper.

Biscuits brown better with a little butter brushed on ’em.

Check your shoelaces before runnin’ to help somebody.

Visit old people who can’t get out. Someday you’ll be one.

The softer you talk, the closer folks’ll listen.

The colder the outhouse, the warmer the bed.

Thanks to John S for this one … if I may say, it’s just fucking perfect:

And I’m afraid that I’ve run out of time and I have to end this here.  My love to you all.  I hope you’ve had a great weekend.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

I do believe that if you look closely, you will be able to detect a certain theme to this morning’s opening.  Yes, indeed, it’s been a rough week.  Exercise on Tuesday that followed along with another scheduled for this weekend while I have classes scheduled, so I’m supposed to be in two places at the same time and it’s December so it’s “Christmas Party” month out on the base for all the reservists.  You ever try to get stuff done while other people are only interested in having a party?  It can be problematic. 

Coffee has kept me alive this week.  Between meetings and exercises and classes and appointments, I don’t know if I’m coming or going.  December is supposed to be a slow month around here and with this stupid COVID nonsense I really expected it to be unusually slow … well, it sure isn’t starting out that way!

So, what do you say we all grab another cup of our favorite morning beverage …

Okay, so that may not be appropriate on a work day, but still, let’s all grab a drink and get started on today’s issue, shall we?

Apparently, putting Alka Seltzer in my mouth, walking into Speedway and shouting, “The virus has mutated!” is not funny.

Okay, so as you now know, this is coming out on Saturday now, not on Thursday … you can see how much progress I’ve made to get it done … which is why it was pushed to Saturday.  LOL!  Thanks to the kind words from those of you who said not to worry about it, … which makes me wonder how much I’m really missed.  There should be tears and wailing and crying and gnashing of teeth, but okay.  I get it.  So, I’ll push on with the rest of the issue and feel sorry for myself that more of you aren’t feeling sorry that you missed an issue.

Sniff!

Sniff!

Yeah…

I know …

I’m full of shit.

So —- on with the laughter?

Bozo criminals for today learned the hard way that if you’re gonna get caught by the border patrol in Juarez, Mexico, you need to have a better excuse than this. Bozo brother and sister Nancy Lee and Terry Lee Alexander were stopped by the guards as they tried to pass over the border between El Paso, Texas and Ciudad Juarez, Mexico. During a routine inspection border guards discovered 550,000 rounds of ammunition in their trunk. Our bozos then complained that they had no idea how they had ended up in Mexico. They said they were traveling from their home in Arkansas to Montana and must have made a wrong turn somewhere. (Didn’t Bugs Bunny always talk about taking a wrong turn in Albuquerque?) The cops detained them and their ammunition.

And from our fellow camper Tom in Oregon, here’s a picture of his buddy …

“Go ahead, piss me off, see what happens!”

I think as you grow older your Christmas list get shorter, because the things you want can’t be bought.

Please keep my family in your thoughts.  We found out that my uncle is addicted to Viagra.  My aunt has been taking it hard.

Discipline at Dragon Laffs Industries takes … unusual turns at times.

And for those of you who have been following along with us and Tom J. who has been telling us about drugs and Oregon … here is a little essay-ish string of stuff from him:

And what the hell is growing old in Oregon like?

 

Well, I guess ya hadda ask. I can only get something similar to what it might look like.

 

AND THEN A FEW YEARS GO BY;

The real truth that I know, is there are no old drug addicts. To them, old is like the 33 year old woman you see above.

They sell their child support money and food stamps to buy drugs that are now legal but it’s against the law to have a beer

At the neighborhood tavern.

 

So, there is a huge difference between blowing a joint and a meth or cocaine or some other addiction.  All the states approving the sales of pot has not gone unnoticed from my high mountains.  And I can’t say that I disapprove and perhaps that is because of my own personal medicinal benefits with my arthritis.  Some of you may agree, some of you may disagree.  It’s immaterial to me right now because I work for the government, but once I retire … it will be a different story.  It’s not legal where I live, but I’ll bet it will be some day.  I was a teenager in the 70s … and the bullshit of it being a “gateway” drug is no more true than it is for alcohol.  You may choose to agree or disagree.  These are my opinions…and perhaps, I’ll expand on them someday when I’m not still employed by the government.

Wanna make a car dealer uncomfortable, just say, “Tell me if you can hear this.” Then get in the trunk and start screaming.

I accidently drank invisible ink …

I am now in the hospital waiting to be seen.

Amen Linus!

My wife made me coffee this morning and winked at me when she handed me the cup.  I’ve never been more scared in my life!

Holy crap!  That is one expensive turkey!

I’m not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

And the surprising part is … he walks away.

Have we tried throwing a politician into a volcano to appease the virus yet?

Just sayin’ …

And that’s it for today…busy, busy weekend coming.  3 classes, two exercises and craziness abounds.  May your weekend be calm and happy.

Cheers my friends.

Impish