Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Welcome to yet another edition of the Universe’s Greatest Ezine!  No?  Okay … Welcome to the Galaxy’s Greatest E … not even that, huh?  Solar System’s Greatest … ?  World’s Great … Oh come on!

Ahem ….

Welcome to Peru, Indiana’s Greatest Ezine!  Oh, never friggin’ mind!  These new truth in advertising laws are for the damn birds!  Why do I even pay you lawyers, if you aren’t there to get me out of these frivolous lawsuits when they come up?  I miss the good old days when you could say whatever the hell you wanted to say and no one gave a damn one way or the other … it was called freedom of speech and it was one of our rights.  Now, if it’s not Political Correct, it’s against the damn law.

Okay, you gotta get me off the soap box so we can laugh or it’s going to be a LONG issue.  I’m gonna bitch about something anyway, that’s a given, but let’s not start that way, shall we?

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?  I feel that way about far too many people.

The older you get, the more you appreciate cancelled plans, early nights, thunderstorms, and alcohol that is on sale.

Lynn sent me this next one with the subject line of Best Christmas present ever …

Exclusive Details

Somebody left Speaker Nancy Pelosi a very disturbing message to kick off the new year … and it seems to be related to the ongoing financial struggles of millions of Americans.

Pelosi’s San Francisco home was vandalized overnight … most of the damage was done to her garage door and driveway. The perp or perps spray-painted “Cancel Rent!” and “We Want Everything” in big black letters on her door … and there’s also a nod to the failed $2,000 government stimulus checks.

By the way, that’s also a pig’s head lying in front of the garage door.  And to add insult to injury, a few days later, the same thing happened to Mitch McConnell’s Louisville home …

One of my biggest questions is kinda of an obvious one … don’t these high powered assholes have security people or at LEAST cameras?  Or are they so full of themselves that they think this couldn’t possibly happen to them?

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 45, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

Don’t ever get between a dragon and its meal

If you can’t look back at your younger self and realize that you were an idiot, you are probably still an idiot.

Amazon just got approved for drone delivery.  We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

Mrs. Dragon in high school.  She was a bit of a terror.

A woman visits her husband in prison.  Before leaving, she tells a correction officer, “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that.  He’s exhausted!”  The officer laughs and says, “Are you kidding?  He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”  The wife replies, “ He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months!”

To applaud a politician because he has built a hospital, a school, road, etc. with public money is the same as applauding an ATM because it gives you your money.

I love to make lists.  I also like to leave them on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store.

Imagine being so fucking dumb that you think the guy in office for four years is the problem, and the guy in office for forty-seven years is the solution.

Guess what happens after you’re offended?

Nothing!  That’s it!  Now be an adult and move on.

Watching Washington D.C. implode tonight.  Not really sure what’s going to end up happening.  I’m getting lots of back channel information on things that you may or may not be privy too, such as the people who actually broke into the Capitol Building were actually ANTIFA and BLM people dressed up as Trump Supporters and that other things that may or may not come out over the next day or so.  So, this may be appropriate … or it may not.  But, one thing is for sure, the American people are pissed off.

Fucking Well Count on it!!

You call it “Road Rage”

I call it “Aggressively maneuvering around assholes that don’t know how to fucking drive”

 

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brunswick, GA. Bozo Bob Hall snatched a woman’s purse in a shopping center parking lot. The woman was able to give a good description to the police and so the police were quickly able to pick up Bob as a suspect. The police explained to the Bozo that they were going to take him back to the shopping center so that they could get a positive ID out of the victim. When they arrived at the scene, the Bozo did exactly as he was told. He stepped from the car, looked at the victim and said, “yeah, that’s her. That’s the woman I robbed.”

Hey babe, pass that this way…

And with that … I’m gonna call it a night.  More excitement to follow.  It certainly is exciting watching the TV … I guess we’ll catch up on Saturday … I hope. 

Good Morning Campers,

Well, we made it through the weekend … or at least you guys did.  I’m doing the time traveling thing again.  For me, it’s still Saturday, but I’m speaking to you on Monday morning. It’s truly amazing how science and technology works in the modern age!  I always hoped that I’d be around for time travel to become a thing and here it is..

I was told the other day that I am a mean father.  I think that might be true.  I have one medication that I take that is delivered by UPS and I got a message that said it wasn’t going to be delivered right away because they couldn’t get ahold of the doctor.  Well, it’s between holidays, so that made sense and I wasn’t going to worry that much about it since I wasn’t out, so I let it go.  Then I noticed I got another message from UPS saying I was getting a package delivered that day and I knew it could only be that medicine and since it had to be kept cold I also knew they had to knock on the door.    Here’s where the mean father part comes in … we were all in the living room right by the front door when there was a noise by the door.  And it just so happened that both dogs were outside at the time, so they didn’t bark at the sound.  Izzy heard the noise and wondered what that was.  I KNEW it was the UPS driver delivering the box, but didn’t say anything.  She walked up to the front door, pulled the curtain back at the same time he leaned over to ring the door bell which put them about nose to nose through the glass. 

Now, you have to picture our Izzy dragon suffers from anxiety anyway, and our normal UPS guy is a wonderful man who I’ve had several conversations with, but he is a GIANT black man.  Now Izzy pulls back the curtain to see a bear of a black man in a brown uniform wearing a brown face mask looking back in at her just as the door bell rings right next to her ear and she SCREAMS and of course I LAUGHED so hard tears are rolling down my cheeks because that worked out so much better than I could have ever expected.  The poor UPS driver is headed back to his truck and I stick my head out the door and yell, “Sorry about that.” and his reply was, “You’d be amazed, but it happens all the time.”

Now … I have to ask you … does that make me a bad father?  Well, we’ll have to see how long I’m in the doghouse… but I’m still laughing about it.

I know, right?

I don’t understand, but I also don’t care.

So, it works out.

Today’s bozo criminal comes from Ocean City, New Jersey. Bozo Sam Hall broke into a rare coin shop and began rummaging around. Wasn’t too long before he came across a book detailing the values of the various coins and since he didn’t know which ones were worth stealing, he must have decided to sit down and do a little research. Obviously, a book of coin values is pretty boring reading and soon Sam was fast asleep. And that’s how the police found him, happily sawing logs with the book of coin values in his lap.

This next one was sent to me by our furry friend Sasquatch…who’s been sending me some really interesting stuff lately that I will work in where and how I can.  This one I found quite interesting and it’s a subject we’ve talked about before.

MAGINE THAT! THEY WILL NEVER TELL YOU THESE FACTS.

You may already be aware of all this, but put into perspective it is pretty insightful, and the conclusion is the eye opener!! Pass this along to 2nd Amendment supporters (and detractors)!!!

EXCELLENT! STATS ON GUN VIOLENCE Interesting statistics! This jives with the research of Prof. Lott at the University of Chicago, who is a noted expert on gun laws and stats.

There are 30,000 gun related death s per year by firearms, and this number is not disputed. The U.S. population is 324,059,091 as of June 22, 2016. Do the math: 0.00925% of the population dies from gun related actions each year. Statistically speaking, this is insignificant! What is never told, however, is a breakdown of those 30,000 deaths, to put them in perspective as compared to other causes of death:

65% of those deaths are by suicide, which would never be prevented by gun laws.

15% are by law enforcement in the line of duty and justified.

17% are through criminal activity, gang and drug related or mentally ill persons – better known as gun violence.

3% are accidental discharge deaths.

So technically, “gun violence” is not 30,000 annually, but drops to 5,100. Still too many? Now lets look at how those deaths spanned across the nation.

480 homicides (9.4%) were in Chicago

344 homicides (6.7%) were in Baltimore

333 homicides (6.5%) were in Detroit

119 homicides (2.3%) were in Washington D.C. (a 54% increase over prior years)

So basically, 25% of all gun crime happens in just 4 cities. All 4 of those cities have strict gun laws, so it is not the lack of law that is the root cause.

This basically leaves 3,825 for the entire rest of the nation, or about 75 deaths per state. That is an average because some States have much higher rates than others. For example, California had 1,169 and Alabama had 1.

Now, who has the strictest gun laws by far? California, of course, but understand, it is not guns causing this. It is a crime rate spawned by the number of criminal persons residing in those cities and states. So, if all cities and states are not created equal, then there must be something other than the tool causing the gun deaths.

Are 5,100 deaths per year horrific? How about in comparison to other deaths? All death is sad and especially so when it is in the commission of a crime but that is the nature of crime. Robbery, death, rape, assaults are all done by criminals. It is ludicrous to think that criminals will obey laws. That is why they are called criminals.

But what about other deaths each year?

40,000+ die from a drug overdose–THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR THAT!

36,000 people die per year from the flu, far exceeding the criminal gun deaths.

34,000 people die per year in traffic fatalities(exceeding gun deaths even if you include suicide).

Now it gets good:

200,000+ people die each year (and growing) from preventable medical errors. You are safer walking in the worst areas of Chicago than you are when you are in a hospital!

710,000 people die per year from heart disease. It’s time to stop the double cheeseburgers! So, what is the point? If the liberal loons and the anti-gun movement focused their attention on heart disease, even a 10% decrease in cardiac deaths would save twice the number of lives annually of all gun-related deaths (including suicide, law enforcement, etc.).

A 10% reduction in medical errors would be 66% of the total number of gun deaths or 4 times the number of criminal homicides ……………. Simple, easily preventable 10% reductions! So, you have to ask yourself, in the grand scheme of things, why the focus on guns?

It’s pretty simple:
Taking away guns gives control to governments. The founders of this nation knew that regardless of the form of government, those in power may become corrupt and seek to rule as the British did by trying to disarm the populace of the colonies. It is not difficult to understand that a disarmed populace is a controlled populace.

Thus, the second amendment was proudly and boldly included in the U.S. Constitution. It must be preserved at all costs . So, the next time someone tries to tell you that gun control is about saving lives, look at these facts and remember these words from Noah Webster: “Before a standing army can rule, the people must be disarmed.”

Absolutely wonderfully stated! 

And just got this from Sasquatch, so I came back up here to add it, since it fit right in.  Here is a really good video to go along with all that we just talked about: https://www.youtube.com/watch? v=682JLrsUmEM 

Okay, I’m flabbergasted … how can the President of the United States give a speech from the White House and no news networks cover it?  This makes no sense to me at all?  How is this possible?  But according to Sasquatch and the website and stuff that he sent me here, that’s exactly what happened.  I’d sure like some comments from you guys …

Every one who views this should CALL their Congress person & demand this be shown & acted upon immediately.

Subject: Trump masterfully delivers the facts & truth of the

stolen election

Trump ’s speech yesterday December 24, 2020 that NO MAJOR MEDIA COVERED! Appalling censorship ; see before it is remove d.

“Trump’s speech was  hidden from the American public.  (Bill Still Report)

I’ve looked but not seen it posted anywhere else.

-DL

https://www.youtube.com/embed/d399gk-73J8

I said, no solicitors!

Warning To All Parents

Immediately stop feeding your kids Rice Krispies.  It is not absorbed in your body in a healthy manner.  It is stored in your body, and the effects become visible when you are older.  I used to eat Rice Krispies, and now that I am older I can testify to the effects of this.  Every morning when I wake up and get out of bed, everything in my body snaps, crackles, and pops.  Pass this message on to everyone, to stop this from happening in their old age.

Okay, now remember.  His wife is going to let us in the back door, and we’re all going to hide.  When he gets home we’re going to turn on the light and all yell, “SURPRISE!”

Oh, I don’t know … kinda depends on who’s doing the jumping.

We were the only family with children in the restaurant. I sat Erik in a high chair and noticed everyone was quietly sitting and talking. Suddenly, Erik squealed with glee and said, ‘Hi.’ He pounded his fat baby hands on the high chair tray. His eyes were crinkled in laughter and his mouth was bared in a toothless grin, as he wriggled and giggled with merriment.

I looked around and saw the source of his merriment. It was a man whose pants were baggy with a zipper at half-mast and his toes poked out of would-be shoes. His shirt was dirty and his hair was uncombed and unwashed. His whiskers were too short to be called a beard and his nose was so varicose it looked like a road map.

We were too far from him to smell, but I was sure he smelled.. His hands waved and flapped on loose wrists.. ‘Hi there, baby; hi there, big boy. I see ya, buster,’ the man said to Erik.

My husband and I exchanged looks, ‘What do we do?’

Erik continued to laugh and answer, ‘Hi.’

Everyone in the restaurant noticed and looked at us and then at the man. The old geezer was creating a nuisance with my beautiful baby. Our meal came and the man began shouting from across the room, ‘Do ya patty cake? Do you know peek-a-boo? Hey, look, he knows peek- a-boo.’

Nobody thought the old man was cute. He was obviously drunk. My husband and I were embarrassed. We ate in silence; all except for Erik, who was running through his repertoire for the admiring skid-row bum, who in turn, reciprocated with his cute comments.

We finally got through the meal and headed for the door. My husband went to pay the check and told me to meet him in the parking lot. The old man sat poised between me and the door. ‘Lord, just let me out of here before he speaks to me or Erik,’ I prayed. As I drew closer to the man, I turned my back trying to sidestep him and avoid any air he might be breathing. As I did, Erik leaned over my arm, reaching with both arms in a baby’s ‘pick-me-up’ position. Before I could stop him, Erik had propelled himself from my arms to the man.

Suddenly a very old smelly man and a very young baby consummated their love and kinship. Erik in an act of total trust, love, and submission laid his tiny head upon the man’s ragged shoulder. The man’s eyes closed, and I saw tears hover beneath his lashes. His aged hands full of grime, pain, and hard labor, cradled my baby’s bottom and stroked his back. No two beings have ever loved so deeply for so short a time.

I stood awestruck. The old man rocked and cradled Erik in his arms and his eyes opened and set squarely on mine. He said in a firm commanding voice, ‘You take care of this baby.’

Somehow I managed, ‘I will,’ from a throat that contained a stone.

He pried Erik from his chest, lovingly and longingly, as though he were in pain. I received my baby, and the man said, ‘God bless you, ma’am, you’ve given me my Christmas gift.’

I said nothing more than a muttered thanks. With Erik in my arms, I ran for the car. My husband was wondering why I was crying and holding Erik so tightly, and why I was saying, ‘My God, my God, forgive me.’

I had just witnessed Christ’s love shown through the innocence of a tiny child who saw no sin, who made no judgment; a child who saw a soul, and a mother who saw a suit of clothes. I was a Christian who was blind, holding a child who was not.. I felt it was God asking, ‘Are you willing to share your son for a moment?’ when He shared His for all eternity. How did God feel when he put his baby in our arms 2000 years ago.

The ragged old man, unwittingly, had reminded me, ‘To enter the Kingdom of God , we must become as little children.’

Sometimes, it takes a child to remind us of what is really important. We must always remember who we are, where we came from and, most importantly, how we feel about others. The clothes on your back or the car that you drive or the house that you live in does not define you at all; it is how you treat your fellow man that identifies who you are.

Thanks to Lynn for that one, but … I don’t know.  I’m an old, untrusting, mean dragon.  I put myself between my family and the rest of the world.  I don’t think I could’ve done that with a baby.

This is perhaps a very good time to do a bunch of these …

This is probably going to be too old for most of you guys, but some of you older ones will appreciate it.  Thanks to Sasquatch for sending this along … I didn’t know a lot of this …

Our Gang,

Here are some things I didn’t know. When you see the picture of Pete the Pup, the dog with the circle around his eye, it is not hair, but was placed there by a makeup artist.  Who was the makeup artist?  A young man named Max Factor.  This makes a great trivia question at a party.

Only we, the vintage people would remember.  SPANKY & OUR GANG.  Some things I bet a lot of you didn’t know. I certainly didn’t!  These pictures are great.

Whatever happened to those people?

In case you forgot who is who …

Well here it is …

The Our Gang Curse

Alfalfa …

Carl Switzer was shot to death at age 31.

Chubby …

300 – pound Norman Chaney died at age 22 following an operation.

Buckwheat …

William Thomas died at age 49 of a heart attack.  (Wow, I never knew that Buckwheat was male!) Of course Buckwheat was male!

Darla Hood …

The Our Gang leading lady contracted hepatitis and died at age 47.

Brisbane …

Kendall McCormas, Known as Breezy Brisbane, committed suicide at 64

Froggy …

William Robert Laughline was killed in a motor scooter accident at age 16.

Mickey Daniels …

He died of liver disease at 55.

Stymie …

Mathew Bear led a life of crime and drugs.  He died of a stroke at age 56.

Scotty Beckett …

He died at age 38 following a brutal beating.

Wheezer …

Robert Hutchins was killed in an airplane accident at age 19.

Pete the Pup …

He was poisoned by an unknown assailant.

Butch …

Currently lives in California.

And of course …

Spanky …

Robert Blake was accused of murdering his wife.  And didn’t.  I didn’t know that was Robert Blake!  Me neither!!  Did any of you?  Wow! 

That was way cool. 

The answer may not lie at the bottom of a bottle of wine.

But you should at least check.

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet…
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!

Me: *sneaks out of the house* *drives to another state*

*hides in a cave* *quietly opens a bag of chips*

My kids: Can we have some?.

How do people lose their kids at the mall?

Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.

My password is the last 16 digits of Pi.

I need to start paying closer attention to stuff.  I found out today that my wife and I have separate names for our cat.

HEY!  Me, too!

A beautiful girl in a restaurant asked me, “Are you single?”

I happily replied, “Yes.”

She took away the extra chair at my table.

And that’s it for today my friends…I hope you had as much fun reading this as I had writing it.  Until next time … may your week be filled with joy and happiness.

Good Morning Campers and welcome to 2021! 

Let me start off by saying thanks to every one who sent messages of  Happy New Year and thanks and stuff on the website through comments and email and messages and stuff … they were really appreciated.  So … 

And 2021 isn’t starting off so well.  We woke up to an ice storm this morning … but it’s slowly turning to rain this morning.  It’s right at the freezing point, so it’s falling as rain … kinda and freezing on the ground … kinda.  It’s a mess, but it won’t last much longer and no one has anywhere to go this morning (around here anyway) so we can just sit here and visit with you guys.

It wasn’t nice everywhere though.  Portland, OR rang in the New Year with a friggin’ riot with fire bombs and tear gas.  For crying-out-loud!  What in the hell were they even rioting over?  No one even knows!  If I had to guess … the people probably wanted to gather for New Years … the police said they had to disperse because … you know, COVID.  The people said no.  The police said yes.  Someone had some fireworks for, New Years, like you do.  Fired one at the Police.  Stir well.  And “POOF!”  Instant riot!  But, that’s just a guess from one little blue dragon.  And I wasn’t there … but … I am a keen observer of human nature.  So, who knows. 

Anyway, What do you say we get this party started and some laughs in the new year?

 

When America fired upon Guam during the Spanish-American War, Guam sent out an officer who requested ammunition so Guam could return the gesture.  It turned out Guam was unaware a ware was going on, thought America was merely saluting Guam, and wished to respond in kind.

In 1862, opposing Civil War armies were camped on opposite sides of Virginia’s Rappahannock River.  With no orders to attack and getting increasingly bored, the Southerners sent a toy boat across, loaded with tobacco.  The Northerners sent it back, filled with coffee.  One side held a sports competition, and the other watched and cheered them on.

 

Women Are Like Bacon

We Look good, smell good, taste good, and will slowly kill you.

 

Stephanie sent me this really … interesting (?) article:

What Is The Brosno Dragon And Has It Really Been Lurking In A Russian Lake Since The 13th Century?

We do like to hide, and it sounds like this guy is really good at it.  See for yourself.

According to legends, the extended family of the Loch Ness monster lives all over the world and includes a dinosaur-like creature in Russia’s Lake Brosno, affectionately known as Brosny, Brosnya, or the Brosno Dragon. As one of Russia’s most famous urban legends, Brosny is also one of the most fearsome Russian cryptids. With its long tail, fish-like head, and giant mouth, the creature swallows men, boats, and islands whole according to stories. Although legends about Brosny date back to the 13th century, modern people still claim to see the creature leisurely swimming through the lake on occasion.

And here is the rest of the article … worth your time, it’s a good read: https://www.ranker.com/list/brosno-dragon-russian-cryptid/erin-mccann

Thanks Stephanie

I don’t like the term “Anal Bleaching”.  I prefer to call it “Changing my Ringtone”.

New Year’s Eve parties can get a little testy when there are dragons involved.  Next time I tell you it’s your turn to buy the next round, it’s your turn to buy the next fucking round!

Damn!  … and I just turned sixty-two.

Late in World War II, the Germans built fake airfields to exaggerate their military prowess.  The Allies flew over these wooden fields operated by wooden decoys and bombed them … with dummy wooden bombs.

I was going to throw the bullshit flag on this one as an Urban Legend for purely tactical reasons … but … after a little research, there does seem to be at least the possibility of some truth to it, so I included it with these two pictures:

 

 

 

 

 

So … I leave it to you, gentle reader, to make up your own mind.  It is a cool story, either way.

 

The Dutch were down to just one warship in the East Indies in 1942.  To get safely to Australia, past seas full of Japanese, they covered the ship were trees and pretended to be an island.  They moved only at night, and they fooled every plane that spotted them.

Called an Uber last night because I was drinking, now I gotta figure out where I left my ride.

Today I plan on being as useless as the G in Lasagna.

In the 19th century, to break a stone from their bladder, men had to pass a nail through their penis and then use a hammer to break it into pieces small enough to pass through their urethra.  The lithotomy to eliminate the stones was performed without anesthesia until 1846.

Having given birth to more than a dozen stones over my lifetime, all I can say is … Oh my dear lord … Thanks John for sending this one in.

Another brother forced into slavery!

Ten years from now you’ll put on a jacket and find a mask in the pocket.  “Oh man, what a weird year that was,” you’ll chuckle to yourself.  Then you’ll pick up your machete and continue across the wasteland, keeping to the shadows to avoid the roving gangs of cannibal raiders.

There’s a difference between GEEK and NERD!

GEEK:  May the Force be with you.

NERD:  May the Force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration.

You know that urge to eat something just because it’s there?
               That’s the reason I’m not a Gynecologist.

Me!  ME!  Pick ME!

Steve H. sent us this message … and I missed it till today.

To all my friends:  I need to be more active and spend less time on the computer, so December 31st will be my last day on Facebook and online for the year.  I will return at the start of the New Year on January 1st.  Thank you for understanding, I’ll miss you all dearly.

Oh man, that’s tough Steve, and we’ll all miss you too, but we understand.  Don’t we everybody?

I laughed so hard at this one.  And this next one, too.

And to round off today’s issue, here’s three more … and to start, I gotta get one of these:

And that, my friends, is it for today, the first issue of the new year.  I know, I set the bar kinda low to start with, but that just makes it easier to go over next time.  I hope you all got a laugh, now I’m going to go and catch up on some of the sleep I didn’t get last night.

Cheers my friends!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Well, here it is … New Year’s Eve!  It’s finally almost over!  The fucked up year of fucked up years!  All I can say is, 2021 HAS GOT TO BE BETTER!  Please, God, make 2021 better.  We are all begging you.  On our knees, praying!  Please, please, please make it better!  Personally, I’ve already gotten news that will screw me up for most of 2021, but if nothing else comes up, I should be okay … if a little short for most of the year.  But, I’m choosing to think of that as something that happened in 2020 that is just effecting (affecting?) 2021.

So … Let’s get this new year started the right way and say:

There was this guy who was looking for the best Hollandaise sauce,

and a friend suggested he look in Nome, Alaska. 

When questioned why in Nome the friend replied,

“Everyone knows that there is

no place like Nome for the Hollandaise.”

The problem with 10:30 PM is that it comes exactly one minute before 2:30 AM if you’re not very careful.

The most scary part about this … is you’re going to be in charge of another human being.  And it sounds like your husband isn’t any smarter than you are. 

Check on your friends with toddlers.  The toddlers are winning.  Send help.

INVITATION

We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach an orgasm.

If you can’t come let me know.

Some people call me crazy.  I prefer the term happy with a twist.

 

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand.

Now put it over your mouth.

You ever be tryin’ to take a nap and the damn neighbors show up and want to party?

Need to fire the entire advertising department.

Let your smile change the world, but don’t

let the world change your smile

The Bozo criminal this morning comes from Denver, Colorado. Our Bozo walks into a self serve convenience store/gas station and demands money, which the attendant hands over without a fuss. The Bozo then hurries out the door to his getaway car. As he opens the door to get in, his dog, who had been waiting in the car, jumps out and begins looking for the nearest fireplug. After several attempts to coax the dog back into the car, the bozo speeds away leaving the dog behind. Within moments, the police arrive and find the dog perfectly content to let them scratch his ears and read his dog tag, which contained the name, address and phone number of our soon to be captured bozo criminal.

There is attitude, and then there is a positive attitude!

“Life is not the way it’s supposed to be – it’s the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the US Air Force pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital in a lot of pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a pilot, but an Air Force pilot, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word:

“You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow, he managed to mumble in reply,

“Can I feel your tits, then?”

And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude!

I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese

Sad news!  I broke up with my girlfriend, Lorraine.  She found out I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee.  Good news though!  I can see Clare Lee now, Lorraine is gone!

“If I told you once, I told you a thousand times, stop leaving dirty dishes in the sink!”

I’m so confused when people don’t drink coffee.  What do you do?  Get an appropriate amount of sleep?

Weirdo.

Happy black Friday!  When I worked at Old Navy on this date almost 10 years ago, I had a 103 fever and they said I would be fired if I left, so I had to stand there with my co-worker who they wouldn’t let go home either, after she found out her sister had been murdered.

Sounds like a real family oriented company.

The lights in my house were flickering and my dad said, “What’s draining the lights?”  And I said, “It’s me, I’m getting stronger.”  Then the lights went out.  My dad is a bit scared of me now.

I found out that saying, “There, there little girl” to a pissed off grown man only makes things worse…really worse.

Teenager For Sale

Fully equipped with rolling eyes, deep sighs, and sarcastic comments.  Plays video games and texts 200 WPM.  No reasonable offer will be refused.

And that’s it my friends.  We’re off to see our friends and count this shit done!!!!  May your year end with a smile, may your new year be filled with joy and love and happiness.  Know that you are all special and loved by me and Mrs. Dragon and that we want only the very best for you.

Happy New Year!

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Monday … and I’m back to work as you’re reading this.  Be sad for me.  LOL!  I’ve enjoyed my couple of days off, and I’m sure it will be a dead zone during the time between Christmas and New Year’s, but I’d still rather be off work.

Oh well.  I’ve really grown used to the luxuries in life, like heat, electricity, and food, so I guess I have to go back to work.  Although I suppose I could just sit on my ass and let the government take care of me … isn’t that the democratic way?  Okay, it’s too early to get into that now, let’s do other things first, okay?

Holy Crap!  Everyone!  Everyone of them has died!??!!

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

Those are some really great truths!

Just do me a favor, and let me know BEFORE you use it for the first time.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.

3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

I like the kid’s truths better.  The adult’s truths are … too adult.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.  Amen!

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.  No Shit!  What good is all this knowledge and wisdom if nobody bothers to use it?

6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Still liking the kid’s one better.

Must be a southern girl thing … but if you’re looking for a handsome dragon to help you clean that hay outta that bra …

Studies have shown that intelligent people swear more than stupid motherfuckers.

I have to share this with you guys because it made me laugh like hell.  As many of you know and something I didn’t publish this year because we got some really crappy news on Christmas Eve, but the day before Christmas is my birthday.  And today, the day after Christmas, I have two funny stories about that.  The first is a comment from Dave:

Dave

My birthday was Christmas Eve. I turned 70 and I will tell you, 69 was NOT as much fun as I thought it would be!

Dave, I gotta tell you.  I laughed like hell when I read that.  And I really needed a laugh. 

The second thing was that in today’s mail I got a birthday card from my Dad, Papa Dragon most Senior.  Now, I’m 62 years old now and I thought at first that maybe Dad forgot or couldn’t get out or any number of things, but like I said, I’m an older guy and I don’t worry about birthdays like maybe I used to.  And being 2020 and EVERYTHING that my family had gone through this year, it’s almost getting comical like, okay, what ELSE … you know.  But, it probably was that the mail was just delayed, like I’ve heard from so many other people that it’s been.  I got a very nice card from Dad and inside was tucked a twenty dollar bill. 

I opened it in front of Mrs. Dragon and just laughed and laughed and she said what’s so funny? And I said the thought of an 85 year-old man sending his 62 year-old son a twenty dollar bill for his birthday is just hilarious.  Not that I’m not appreciative, I truly am, but I just think it’s funny.  Love you, Dad.

The perfect headline for today’s America.  Could change it to COVID is nation’s top killer and it would mean the same thing since everyone who dies who has the COVID virus in them or the antibodies is listed as a COVID death to inflate the numbers. 

And speaking of fucked up numbers, here’s an article that was sent to me that I’m going not going to reprint in its entirety in the hopes that the gateway pundit doesn’t get pissed off at me for doing so, but I think it’s important enough for everyone to read, so I will give you the highlights and STRONGLY URGE you all to go and read the very short article.

First of all, here’s the link to the original article:  https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2020/12/evidence-shows-total-deaths-2020-no-different-prior-years-open-economy-democrats/

And the headline:

More Evidence Shows Total Deaths in 2020 Are No Different Than Prior Years – Open Up the Economy Democrats

A couple weeks ago a study at John’s Hopkins University was taken down because it showed that total deaths in the US in 2020 were no different than prior years.  Today another expert shares the same.

They also talked about how the article from the CDC showing that their own numbers showing that deaths from JUST Corona Virus were only 6% of deaths attributed to Corona Virus was also taken down amongst many other articles also taken down.

And the chart showing deaths:

Deaths in the USA over the years…

2010: 2.5M
2011: 2.5M
2012: 2.5M
2013 :2.6M
2014: 2.6M
2015: 2.7M
2016: 2.7M
2017: 2.8M
2018: 2.8M
2019: 2.9M
2020: 2.5M (as of November)

Where is the massive spike?

(h/t @MillerStream)

— Dr. David Samadi, MD (@drdavidsamadi) December 13, 2020

And their concluding paragraph, which I think, says it all:

Again, there is data that indicates that COVID is not as terrible as China and the US medical professionals would like us to think. This is why this report at Johns Hopkins had to be taken down. It has nothing to do with the truth and everything to do with the message.

What ever happened to just studying and reporting the truth?

Indeed?  Media, news people, you should all be ashamed of yourselves.  Didn’t you take this career to follow the truth?  To uncover lies?  To tell the truth no matter what?  Instead, you sell out?  Aren’t you all so proud of yourselves.  Don’t you feel so proud when you tell your children what you do for a living. 

Yup, that’s about right.

The Dragon Version of Laser Tag

I’ve had a really bad day.  First my ex gets run over by a bus and next I get fired from my job as a bus driver.

So, I was playing chess the other day ….

Here’s another great one.  Ever want to prove to someone why the 2nd Amendment is so important?  Here you go:

Watch this it is interesting and true.

This incident actually happened in 1946 in the USA . Look it up if you don’t believe it.   I was completely unaware of this event that took place in Athens , TN in 1946. I did not know an armed revolt on American soil by WWII veterans ever took place during our lifetime. A very sobering video to say the least.   Now the second amendment should be a little clearer to everyone.This movie lasts less than four minutes and is well worth the time. The production was old fashioned, but it tells a true story. http://voxvocispublicus.homestead.com/Battle-of-Athens.html FACTS: Please do not delete this bit of US History of which many Americans have no knowledge. View it and share it and pray that we will never need such a response to government! Of course the returning soldiers were from the greatest generation.  They didn’t understand “woke”, “toxic masculinity”, “culture appropriation” and all the other modern perverted drama-queen foolishness, and other bull sh*t nonsense of today.

Aftermath of Dragon Laser Tag

Lovable Lucy at Christmas

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at WalMart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, “What does this do? You’re kidding me!Who would buy that?”

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult.Love Dolls come in many different models.

The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry.

I settled for ‘Lovable Lucy’. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Lucy a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Lucy came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Lucy’s smooth legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy. But had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Lucy should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Lucy the moment she walked in the door. “What the hell is that?” she asked. My brother quickly explained, “It’s a doll.”

“Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

“Where are her clothes?” Granny continued.

“Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran” Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.

“Why doesn’t she have any teeth?”

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, “Hang on Granny, hang on!”

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, “Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?”

I told him she was Jay’s friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Lucy. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well.

We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Lucy made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to- mouth resuscitation..

My brother fell back laughing over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Lucy’s collapse.

We discovered that Lucy had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

Someone just used my driveway to turn around and now I’m standing outside with two cold, open beers and a lonely face.

Wow, what a conundrum!  Okay, Left hand on one side, right hand on the other side and grab the money with my teeth!  Final answer!

Did You Know – A bolt of lightning can heat the air surrounding it to more than 50,000°F  — that’s five times hotter than the surface of the sun!

Just got this from Leah … and I think it’s a great idea!

I just learned of a New Year tradition in Ireland – Shortly after midnight, some people like to open their front door to let the old year out and let the New Year in! A very Irish take on ‘out with the old, in with the new’!

My plan to usher out 2020 at my house?  Open every flippin door and window I can. 

Keith Carney

At 11:59 December 31 we all gotta take a shot and never speak of this year EVER AGAIN

Leah, I agree with you, 100%!

Yup, that would definitely be okay!

YEAH?  Well, maybe coffee is addicted to ME.  Ever think of THAT??

It’s been bloody cold here.  We got a teeny bit of snow, but nothing to speak of.  Another Christmas without snow. Sigh. 

A Quick Note About Motivationals: You’ll notice we’re in the W’s which means we’re almost at the end of my file … again.  I have no problem starting over again in my file, but I’m putting out a call for you guys to send me more.  I’m looking as well.  I know there’s new ones out there.  Send them my way when you find them.

Another New Home COVID Test

1.  Pour a large glass of red wine, try to smell it.

2.  If you can smell the wine then drink it and see if you can taste it.

3.  If you can taste and smell the wine, it confirms you don’t have COVID.

Last night I did the test 19 times and all were negative, thank God!

Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feel like I am coming down with something.

 

“You’re the reason this country puts directions on shampoo.”

Bozo criminals for today picked the absolute worst place to try to rob. From Las Vegas, Nevada comes the story of a group of bozos who burst into Mr. D’s bar and proceeded to inform everyone there that this was a holdup. What they didn’t know was that the house band, named Pigs in a Blanket, was made up of off-duty police officers. Not surprisingly, the officers quickly put down their guitars and proceeded to arrest the bozos.

Please be careful on the roads.  Lots of people are drinking excessively and letting their wives drive.

Oh damn!

Hey, I just post them.

My application for membership in the Flat Earth Society was accepted – I’m on top of the world!

All of us have this guy in our family tree somewhere.

And that, my friends, is it for your Monday.  I hope I was able to bring a smile to your face as we wind down 2020 together.  I hope this year can slip out quietly, but it looks like it’s going to go out kicking and screaming.  May you find a little bit of love and laughter today.  Until we meet again.