Tomorrow is the big day! Happy, happy Christmas Eve! A wonderful time to spend with family and friends and I can’t think of anyone I’d rather spend it with than all of you! I have a few days off and I hope to spend that time filling this issue with fun and laughter and maybe … maybe even a few secrets! Shhhhh!!!
Okay, so first of all, how many of you noticed that the headerover the last couple of days, wasn’t the same header at all, but the presents kept growing day after day? Come on. I was kinda proud of that.
Oh, and did anyone notice Santa sneaking around the campground last night? I sure hope not. Him and I had a couple of clandestine meetings over the last couple of weeks. Mostly I’ve gone up to see him at the North Pole, but last night he had to come see me and, well, I just hope that none of you caught site of him sneaking around. None of your kids mentioned him or anything? Okay, good.
Anyway, today’s issue will mostly be about Christmas, but there will be some other stuff mixed in, too, I’m sure. Plus, before it’s all over there will probably be some letters and comments from you guys, as well as maybe even some Santa Sightings. Who knows? It’s going to be an exciting issue, don’t you think?
Some of you guys wondered if there were dragons at the North Pole … well, yeah! And we have really special jobs, too.
Yeah, but that can be a bad thing, too. Which is why duct tape is so important to keep in your bedside table.
This next one is not really a Christmas story … but so stupid I just had to pass it along.
Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this story in a recent Ann Landers column. From Salina, Kansas comes the story of several plainclothes police officers who were at a residence conducting a search for illegal drugs. Their task turned out to be tougher than they thought it would be. You see, they kept getting interrupted by all the walk up drug traffic and phone calls from would-be buyers. Finally, the cops called in reinforcements in the form of several officers who parked their marked cars in front of the house. This still didn’t stop the steady stream of bozo drug buyers. Finally, the cops set up an assembly line type operation where they let the bozos in the front door, arrested them and led them out the back door to be carted off to jail.
Stephanie writes and says: Dear Impish, What animal do they milk to get Mountain Dew?
Dear Stephanie, Those would be the florescent green cows.
Now, let’s do ….
Isn’t it weird that people living paycheck to paycheck are expected to have months worth of savings for emergencies while billion dollar corporations are so poorly managed that they are on the brink of bankruptcy after a week of reduced profits?
And then they expect a government bailout!
Santa is over-serving the reindeer
People always say, “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” … Yeah, but I’ve got my eye fixed on that specific, emotionally distant salmon who has commitment issues.
I’ve been trying to avoid this part, but maybe it’s best to just get it out there and get past it. Christmas is a melancholy time of year for me and this morning especially it seems, I’ve been brushed by the Ghost of Christmas Past. Dear friends and family gone … taken too soon. Seems they’ve all come to pay me a visit this day. I started to name them here but thought that wasn’t fair … to either them, me or you. Very teary morning, but something both made it worse and helped it immensely. Ted sent the following to me called Missing Someone At Christmas. It’s by one of my favorite all time groups … the Piano Guys. Although I have no idea why they call themselves the Piano Guys when one plays the Piano and the other the Cello. But there you have it.
Anyway, here is Ted’s email, and Ted, I know I said thanks, before, but I’d like to publicly say thanks, believe it or not, as much as this song hit me in the heart, it also went a very long way to putting it back together again. Thank you!
Missing Someone At Christmas
The Piano Guys “The Sweetest Gift”, a special song dedicated to those who have lost a loved one. The Christmas holiday can be a wonderful time to spend with family and friends but for many people, it is also a time of grief as they are missing someone very dear to them at Christmas. “The Sweetest Gift” was written by Craig Aven. I hope that you can find comfort and peace by listening to this song.
And in case the link above doesn’t work … here it is again in traditional format: https://biggeekdad.com/2017/12/missing-someone-christmas/
The last date I had was a court date.
It’s those Chinese hackers!!!
Tinder is for rookies. Go to Facebook Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It’ll show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size.
That’s both wrong and brilliant!
*You follow her*
*She follows back*
*You like a pic of her*
*She likes a pic of you*
*You send her a dick pic*
*She sends one back*
A true love story
My town had a really bad storm two days ago and my neighbor lost the roof of his house and the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise money so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s going to start construction and I hate being around all that noise.
One of my favorite parts of Christmas and one of the most beautiful things ever said:
Charlie Brown: I guess you were right, Linus. I shouldn’t have picked this little tree. Everything I do turns into a disaster. I guess I really don’t know what Christmas is all about. ISN’T THERE ANYONE WHO KNOWS WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT?!
Linus: Sure Charlie Brown. I can tell you what Christmas is all about.
Linus: Lights please.
Linus: And there were in the same country shepherds, abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them; and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this [Shall be] a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manager. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
Linus: That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.
And there isn’t anything more that I can say that Linus didn’t already say.
That’s just wrong!!! And a bit pervy stalkerish
Stop giving new moms diaper cakes and onesies.
Give those mamas what they need to survive. Extra strength painkillers, dry shampoo, borderline illegal strength coffee, and ear plugs.
Slap a bow on it if you’re feeling fancy.
Here’s the true meaning of Christmas:
Thanks for sharing that one Dear Stephanie.
Okay, this next one isn’t Christmassy, but it is fucking ingenious, so I’m putting it in … right … HERE:
Now that is a grandson’s love! And an absolutely brilliant ploy to make sure grandma was alright. I can sort of understand that the police and fire department are too busy after a hurricane to check on everybody, and spending … what? $20 on a pizza is a cheap way of making sure that Grandma is alright, especially if you’re willing to throw in a nice tip for the driver to bring his cellphone along (which he more than likely had with him anyway) and spend five minutes to let you talk to grandma)… you know, there’s probably a need out there for people to check on loved ones for other people during emergencies. If we just had an organization to do that… hmmm.
How about some Christmas Puns from Stephanie?
1. How much did Santa’s sleigh cost? It was on the house!
2. What does Santa do when his elves misbehave? He gives them the sack!
3. Why doesn’t Santa use reindeer milk in his coffee? He’s on a deery-free diet!
4. What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus!
5. What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa Claus when she looked up in the sky? Looks like rain, dear!
6. Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can “ho ho ho”!
7. What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker! Okay, I know what a Christmas Cracker is from when I was stationed in England, but I don’t know what that has to do with Speed Dating?
8. Who do Santa’s helpers call when they’re ill? The National Elf Service!
9. What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas quacker!
10. How you can tell that Santa is real? You can always sense his presents!
11. What do you call a broke Santa? Saint Nickel-less!
12. What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate Clauses!
13. Who delivers presents to cats? Santa Paws!
14. Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!
15. Who is Santa’s favourite singer? Elf-is Presley!
16. What’s Santa’s favourite type of music? Wrap!
17. Why don’t you ever see Santa in hospital? Because he has private elf care!
18. What’s Santa’s favourite type of crisps? Kringles!
19. What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause!
20. What is Santa’s drag name? Sleigh Queen!
21. What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet!
22. What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”? Santa walking backwards!
23. Why does Santa go through the chimney? Because it soots him!
24. What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his underpants? Saint Knickerless!
25. What is Santa’s favourite US state to deliver presents? Idaho-ho-ho!
26. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claus-trophobia!
27. What did Santa say to the smoker? Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!
28. What does Santa spend his wages on? Jingle bills!
29. What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish!
30. What’s the difference between Santa Claus and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!
31. How does Santa take pictures? With his Pole-aroid camera!
32. What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!
33. What does Santa do with out of shape elves? Sends them to an elf clinic!
34. Where do Santa and his reindeer go to get hot chocolate while flying in the sky? Star-bucks!
35. What did Santa say to his wife? It’s going to reindeer!
36. What secret society would Santa never be a part of? The Illuminaughty!
37. Why does Santa Claus always carry that big bag of gifts? That’s just how he presents himself!
“Hey nerd, who brings a friggin’ book to a bar?”
[My eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls]
Her: How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?
Me: I don’t know, half an hour?
Please bring me a baby brother.
Please send me your mother.
This issue is getting huge! And I’m not anywhere near done with my Christmas file yet!!! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!
Hey fat dragon, who you calling a ho?
Let’s go, go, go!
Yeah … I’m just a little tired this morning.
Which is why Impish Dragon ain’t getting nuttin’ for Christmas…
Tonight, let’s do something your memory foam mattress will never forget.
Did You Know: Alcohol increases the size of the “send” button by 89%
Posted a photo of my clean house and it was flagged and removed as “Fake News”
I went to the paint store to get thinner.
It didn’t work.
Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me everyday. He is from India and is very concerned about my car warranty.
Bozo criminal for today wins the Bozo Weapon of the Week award. From Oklahoma City, Oklahoma comes the story of bozo Lyle Burton who walked into a convenience store carrying a small snake. Threatening the clerk with the snake, which he said was a dangerous copperhead, our bozo demanded cash. Figuring the snake was not worth much, the clerk gave our bozo $40 and a pack of cigarettes, calling the cops as soon as he was out the door. The police were nearby and quickly arrested the bozo and his snake, which turned out to be harmless. The part that cracked me up was “Figuring the snake was not worth much …” are we rating the criminals now on what their firepower is worth when they come in the door? A .45 is gonna get you more cash than a .22? LOL!
Lynn’s List of Things She’s Super Good At:
1. Forgetting someone’s name 30 seconds after they tell me. Yup, I’m super good at that one, too, Lynn.
2. Running. Late, that is.
3. Making plans … then regretting making plans.
4. Thinking of a great comeback line – an hour later.
5. Digging through the trash for the food box I just tossed, because I already forgot the directions. That’s another one I’m good at.
6. Adding items to online carts. Then deleting. After waffling about it for an hour. Yeah …
7. Googling my ailments. Then panicking.
8. Leaving laundry to wrinkle in the dryer. Aren’t we all Super Good at that?
9. Forgetting why I walked into the room. No comment.
10. Calculating how much sleep I’ll get if I can just “Fall asleep right now.” That’s my favorite game show that plays in my head almost every night.
It’s an old joke, but it’s a good one … with a good moral at the end.
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS.
and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows,
I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”
Curtis & Leroy replied,”Well, then just give us our money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”
The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a
Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”
Leroy said, “We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy
at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
“What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”
Leroy said, “Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars
apiece and made a profit of $998.”
The farmer said, “My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”
Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave
him his two dollars back.”
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They’re overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.
Limit all US. politicians to two terms.
One in office
One in prison
The Casinos are now offering curbside pickup. Call ahead and they come out and take your money right from your car.
I’m so high I went to Target because why not. I reached for some cookie dough and so did someone else at the same time. I said, “Sorry, you can go ahead” to only realize I had just seen my own arm in the mirror and I apologized to myself … I’m going home.
What do you call a Christmas wreath made with $100 bills?
Apparently, walking around WalMart with an Alka-Seltzer in my mouth yelling, “THE VACCINE ISN’T WORKING” isn’t funny.
Got a flat tire … pulled over to change it. Stupid guy says, “Did your tire go flat?” I said, “No, I was driving along and the other 3 just swelled up!”
I’m going to share this as fair warning to the rest of you…it is the God’s Honest Truth and should not be taken lightly …
A man reaches a certain age where he doesn’t want any drama. He doesn’t want to fight anyone – and if force to, he will not fight fair. He will not quit and there are now weapons he will not use.
It’s best to leave him alone with his coffee, bourbon and cigars. Don’t poke the old men. They will hurt you.
The problem is … the friggin’ government doesn’t realize that there are more and more of us “old men” now than there ever have been before. And we just want to be left alone and they just won’t stop poking us.
I see penguins with Santa in Christmas displays. Since penguins only live in the South Pole, would Christmas penguins be Bipolar?
Did You Know: A Polar Bear’s liver contains so much Vitamin A that eating a small amount can kill a human being.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
If you say something is “indescribable”, you’re describing it.
I just got a Christmas present in the (e) mail:
What comes after super?
Extra Super? Whatever, you nailed it. You are a key component to what’s left of my quarantined mental health. Greatly appreciated!
…Joe in NJ
Thank you, Joe. That really means a lot to me. More than I can even say.
Here’s another comment from Leah:
I am so relieved! I’m slow I know (started falling into a song) but I hadn’t made the connection your numerous work hours are because of limits in the classroom. Until I understood that, I have been quaking in my boots, wondering what you know that we don’t know about why we need so many trained in survival skills.
However, speaking of being relieved . . . once they are in that suit (I watched the video) how do they pee?
On Sunday, we drove North to deliver gifts, made porch deliveries to three different homes. Had planned on driving up the mountain to deliver to my sister . . . but I had to pee! I decided there was no ‘safe’ place, so we came home instead.
I emailed my two sisters and brother (the crappy one) saying we wouldn’t be delivering to them, because 180 miles out, and the same back, will take too long for me to hold it, so since there is no ‘safe’ place to pee . . .
A friend of mine said if she has to be out of the house more than two hours, we wears diapers. NO! I am not going there!
PS, I stole some of what you said, and posted it in FB.
Well, Leah, maybe I didn’t make it clear, but there is nothing new going on with training people in survival skills. It is a recurring requirement that everyone in the military has to take part in so they don’t lose those skills. So, it’s nothing new. They all have to do it over and over again. Call it job security on my part. And as to how do you pee in those suits …. you don’t. Normally that’s not a problem. You allow yourself to become just a tiny bit dehydrated and your body doesn’t have to pee. You just keep hydrating yourself to the point of slight dehydration. My personal record is 13 1/2 hours in MOPP 4 without a break and I didn’t have to pee once. Only drinking water through the mask by a canteen. Realistically, there is a 12 step process for peeing in the suit, but it’s such a pain that nobody does it. Those of us who have been doing this for a while learn to balance our internal hydraulics and sweat it out rather than pee it out.
PS … you can’t steal my stuff, since all of my stuff is already stolen.
Here’s one from Marsha:
After working 6 days straight my boss had the nerve to say I was being a little negative…I told him he was lucky…cause if I was positive right now he would be paying me and giving me 2 weeks home alone….I do have 24th and 25th off then 6 more to do… starting to want a close encounter so I can quarantine. Would like to purge every room in my house. Ya all be safe out there. Wear your mask and wash your hands…MERRY CHRISTMAS!
A lot of people taking the close encounter two week vacation around here, Marsha. Maybe you ought to try it yourself. And a Merry Christmas to you, too.
I appreciate the ..If you look for me….” letter. Just imagine how peaceful if we all followed His teachings. No liars, thieves, or people abandoned. Loving all and being servants to each other.
I feel sorry about your accident, but ice slides happen. Myself and another lady were once in a wreck and neither one of us were anywhere near our cars. We were both at work.
Now, that sounds like an icy parking lot!
Bozo criminal for today probably should have just used his weapon for lunch. From Nashville, Tennessee comes the story of bozo Leonard Feldman who walked into a bank, pointed a small silver object at the teller and told her to hand over all the cash. If she didn’t, our bozo told her, he would set off the bomb he was carrying. While he got away with a small amount of cash, the police quickly caught up with him and his bomb. That silver object he called a bomb turned out to be a hot dog wrapped in aluminum foil.
Let’s take a second to say thank you to Carlos W. for your Christmas donation. It was very thoughtful and quite timely as well. Thank you very much, my friend.
I have never before attempted an issue this huge! This ought to be quite interesting when it it all said and done. I have a few more cartoons that I want to put in here before it is all said and done, so let’s see if we can’t squeeze them in before we call this an issue and then see if the website will take it, shall we?
This one is from Ted with my deepest thanks:
US Air Force Band as a flash mob at DC’s Union Station.
This is what Christmas was like before COVID. Hard to remember that long ago ……
Jingle Bells like you have never heard it before!
Click on the link … it is WELL worth your time!
My good friend is a hypochondriac. What can I give this woman who has everything?
And that, my dearest friends and loving family, brings me to the end of this incredible Christmas extravaganza! I truly hope it loads like it should and that all of you get this gift that I have created for you. I would guess that there is probably 12 hours or so of work put into this issue…so I hope you enjoy.
So, Merry Christmas my dear, Campers. My Love to you all. Thank you for your support all year and may you all have a truly wonderful and blessed holiday.