Dragon Laffs

Greetings Campers,

Well, due to work complications, 12 to 14 hour shifts from now through the weekend, the next Dragon Laffs you guys get probably won’t be until next Thursday. 

I’m sorry that’s how it works out, but since my office is severely understaffed right now, that’s the way it’s working out.

Be well my dear friends and family until then.  I just didn’t want you to worry that something was wrong with me or Mrs. Dragon if you didn’t hear from me at the usual times.  It’s just work.  Work that I love, but … man … they could ease up a little.  LOL!

Cheers, my friends.

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Memorial Day.  A day we commemorate to the memory of the men and women who have given their all to the service of others.  This is what History.com has to say about Memorial Day.

Memorial Day is an American holiday, observed on the last Monday of May, honoring the men and women who died while serving in the U.S. military. Memorial Day 2021 will occur on Monday, May 31.

Originally known as Decoration Day, it originated in the years following the Civil War and became an official federal holiday in 1971. Many Americans observe Memorial Day by visiting cemeteries or memorials, holding family gatherings and participating in parades. Unofficially, it marks the beginning of the summer season.

Early Observances of Memorial Day

The Civil War, which ended in the spring of 1865, claimed more lives than any conflict in U.S. history and required the establishment of the country’s first national cemeteries.

By the late 1860s, Americans in various towns and cities had begun holding springtime tributes to these countless fallen soldiers, decorating their graves with flowers and reciting prayers.

Did you know? Each year on Memorial Day a national moment of remembrance takes place at 3:00 p.m. local time.

It is unclear where exactly this tradition originated; numerous different communities may have independently initiated the memorial gatherings. And some records show that one of the earliest Memorial Day commemorations was organized by a group of formerly enslaved people in Charleston, South Carolina less than a month after the Confederacy surrendered in 1865. Nevertheless, in 1966 the federal government declared Waterloo, New York, the official birthplace of Memorial Day.

All of that is nice.  But, what is Memorial Day, really.  I know when I worked for the State Police, they always had a celebration for their fallen officers on Memorial Day.  And I know most, if not all, other police and fire departments do something similar.  And that, I believe, is appropriate.  They too, serve our fellow countrymen.  Defending us and protecting us.  And they too should be honored. 

In this current age of defunding the police and dishonoring the military, it shames me to see the state our country is headed towards.  But I know our campground does not fall into that abyss of evil, that mired swamp of pollution that the rest of the country may be headed towards and that this sacred campground that we all hold dear in our hearts will hold true this day and honor the men and women who’ve made that ultimate sacrifice for all of us.  To keep us safe from harm, to keep us free.

So, let us begin our Memorial Day issue.  Yes, there will be humor.  But, there will also be seriousness and time for reflection.  And at 1500 hrs on Monday, I hope we all stop what we are doing and take a moment to stand and bow our heads and say a short prayer of thanks for those who have gone before us and stand as honor guard and await our arrival at the Heavenly Paradise that is ultimate goal of us all.

I don’t know how much of that is true.  I’ve heard similar things in the past and Mrs. Dragon, who is a Genealogist, can’t seem to verify the accuracy of it, but says that she has seen it often enough that she believes it is true.

And there were so many more of them that didn’t get to then did.

Nope, that’s not what it’s about at all.  And it annoys me when, even History.com associates it with “the beginning of summer” and everyone I talk to is thinking of nothing but going camping, or partying or something else.

Take a minute to tell a young person about a Vet that you know who gave their all for your freedom.  If you don’t know anyone, let me know and I’ll be happy to tell you about Lethal Leprechaun…a dear friend and co-author of this ezine for many, many years.  Former Marine who finally succumbed to his wounds that he suffered with for many, many years that he received when a fellow Marine stepped on an IED in front of him and was killed.  His name is still across the masthead of this website and will stay there as long as this website exists, at least, as long as I’m in charge of it, I guess.

 

That one always … every single time … brings a tear to my eye.

The MOST expensive thing this country has ever paid for.

Wow!  I can’t believe I found that.  10 years ago … Now that brings a tear to my eye!  And that, I believe is a fitting end to the Memorial Day portion of this edition of Dragon Laffs.  It is still early, so I’m not sure if I’ll add more to this or not.  I guess we’ll see as the weekend progresses.

But before we go, Mrs. Dragon sent me another one that I have to share with you …

And one sent in by Pete that I really like … and I’ll probably keep adding to this part of the ezine as I get stuff until I publish …

Okay, now let’s put some laughter through here …

I wonder how many people have no idea what this is even a picture of.

From the International File comes our story of bozo criminal and Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet who mailed a letter bomb to an opposing faction’s leader. Unfortunately, our bozo did not put enough postage on the letter and it came back with “Return to Sender” stamped on it. Forgetting exactly what it was, our unfortunate bozo opened the letter, blowing himself up.

This has also been a Darwin Award winner … a couple of times, I think.

My hobbies include long scrolls down my phone, talking to my pets, binge watching Netflix, singing in the shower, staying in my PJs too long, being tired all day … then not sleeping at night, drinking everything but water, ordering stuffs online, reading about new diets while eating cake, and making to do lists of things I will never do.

Thanks to Ted for sending this along.  Very telling and very appropriate right now.  It also tells me that there aren’t very many real many around right now.

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen’s breasts for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.

Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick…

The local gang comes to town…

English is a crazy language

English is the only language where you drive in parkways and park in driveways.

It’s also the only language where you recite in a play and play in a recital.

Your fingers have fingertips, but your toes don’t have toetips.

Yet, you can tiptoe, but not tipfinger.

The word Queue is just a Q followed by four silent letters

Jail and Prison are synonyms.  But Jailer and Prisoner are antonyms.

When you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment.  But when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

Oopps!  It must have slipped.

Marriage is all about spending the rest of your life with someone you want to strangle … and not doing it because you’d miss them.

Life has no remote.  Get up and change it yourself.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Salt Lake City, Utah. It seems bozo Ryan Slater had a matter he needed to discuss with the police, so he walked up to an officer who was investigating another incident. The cop told him he was busy at the moment but that he would talk to him as soon as he was finished. So, our bozo just waited his turn, right? Wrong. He found a second cop who gave him the same response. So, now, what to do? How about climb into a marked K-9 patrol vehicle, with the police dog caged in the back. Yep, and he drove the car around the block before pulling up to another officer. Now, he had their attention…but not in the way he hoped. He’s busted! Charged with theft of a police vehicle.

Mrs. Dragon says it’s only fair for me to post this sign around our cave and property.

Carlos sent me a story with a picture.  Said he had a bit of problem …

I told the boy to get me a 5/8 wrench.  He told me to get it myself … damn kids!

Sometimes I like to mess with my family and hide their stuff where they can’t find it.

Like I put their shoes in the shoe closet, their jacket on a hanger, and their keys on the key hook.

And that has to be it for this very giant issue that has been a bit of a tearful one for me.  May you celebrate your day in your way, but be safe and return home in health.  One more special one on the way out with love and happiness.

Good Morning Campers,

Going to be a small edition today so that I can get to work on the Memorial Day Special for Monday.  I was going to go straight to the Memorial Day one but I have so much on my mind that I just had to have an outlet to get rid of some of it.

Mrs. Dragon saw the specialist the other day and although we both liked him quite a bit, he pretty much just scheduled more tests so we’re just back to waiting again.

But at least we’re moving in the right direction.  So, we’ll see.  More to come.

So, let’s move on to the fun stuff, shall we?

Catwoman is looking a little virile. 

I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today.

I guess it’s my own fault for using the self checkout lane.

You young people still don’t have a clue, do you?

I like that part in that Cardi B song where it’s over and she shuts the fuck up.

In the 1980s, A&W tried to compete with the McDonald’s Quarter Pounder by selling a 1/3 pound burger at a lower cost.  The product failed, because most customers thought the 1/4 pound was bigger.

This is why I don’t argue online.

And why I feel there is very little hope for our future.

Snoop Dogg is the only one that can have the hairstyle of a 5 year-old girl and still look cool.

“I look so pretty … oh, so pretty … I am so pretty, so pretty …”

How about one of these …

Stephanie

Wow. If my calculations of the vintage of the dragonette are correct, we have been together 13 years. Most marriages,sadly, don’t last this long.
Here’s to hoping we are able to spend another 13 years together.

Amen, dear friend.  And love you right back. 

Have faith in the Pfizer vaccine.  Don’t forget they make Viagra.  If they can raise the dead .. they can save the living.

Mother Nature always wears the latest fashions.

Experts:  A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Actual humans:  I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

And you thought those kinds of pictures were just for guys.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low today.  I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there is a new strain out there.

Sorry brother … there’s nothing any of us can do.

Because 50 years ago, you didn’t have to first explain what a wrench was.

The only reason I wanted to be an adult was to have sex and curse.  All this paying bills and waking up to go to work wasn’t the plan.

Kansas produces enough wheat each year to feed everyone in the world for about two weeks.

This is probably from the same guy who got curious about what the Taser would feel like …

The neighbors had been complaining that my dogs have been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar.  When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently they don’t like it.

This evening I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella liquid. And that’s where my evening should have ended. But no, it’s me, and I begin to become curious as to “how” the collars actually work.

So I’m standing by my back door “barking” at my dog’s collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it’s turned on, check the fill level, and go through the “getting started” checklist one more time.

Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I’m not quite sure why I had this next thought, but I did…I put the collar on. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.

I began coughing, which only caused the damn collar to continue squirting bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I’m now on my hands and knees in my backyard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the dog is barking.

So between coughing and yelling at him to shut up, I’ve emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I’m trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.

I finally got the collar off and threw, yes I threw that inhumane thing across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the humid evening air.

In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I’ve done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so damn hard he couldn’t breathe. Between gasps, he tells me, “I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you’d set it off again and then I would start laughing and couldn’t make it.”

So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went into the shower so I wouldn’t smell like ode de’ Tiki Torch.

Lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure of that:

1. Don’t fill the collar before trying to set it off.

2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation.

On the plus side, I won’t have a mosquito problem for a few days!

This is what Wiltshire, England looks like.

Been there and yes, it’s that cool.

$29.95 for a club sandwich and fries!  Are you kidding me?  I asked the waitress, she said it’s usually $6.95, but the cost of lumber is so high it’s the four tooth picks that drove up the price!

WTF?

And that’s it for today my friends.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

One thousand, nine-hundred issues.  Holy crap.  That’s actually one heck of a milestone.  In just a few weeks it will be our 15 year anniversary … that’s like tin foil or something, I think.  Okay, so I just looked it up and it’s crystal.  Ooooohhhh!  Crystal!  I’d like some crystal!

Anyway, another busy, boring week.  Work, work, work, work, work.

Just got a donation from Carlos W!  Thanks Carlos!  I deeply appreciate it!  You have no idea.  It matters.  Thank you.

So, nothing to bitch about this morning, so let’s move on to the good stuff, shall we?

To the lady with all the screaming kids at Wal-mart who’s wondering how the box of condoms got into her cart …

You’re welcome.

Sasquatch – dude … looking good!

Yes … yes we are.

The Bozo criminal for this morning is from Dallas, Texas. Bozo Vashon Rhymes stole an inner city passenger bus from the Greyhound terminal downtown. It seems our bozo knew how to start the bus and get it going but unfortunately he didn’t know how to release the parking brake. Consequently the back of the bus caught fire not too far down the road. Police arrested the bozo when he left his smoldering bus to go into a nearby Waffle House to call for help.

To help in our UFO conversation …

And speaking of which … I got a response from our dear camper, Leah D …

Leah D

So many things to reply to today. So here is chapter 1.
In the 60’s the Uintah Basin area of Utah was a hot bed of UFO activity.
My younger sister was graduating from some school thing, in the town 12 miles away from our farm home. It was a ‘school night’, so would be ending early, .My mother and sister left, I was in charge of the 5 children left at home.
They didn’t come home. Still not home. It’s so late, I’m so tired, I nod off. I don’t know what time it was they came, but when I ask what happened? Where in the world have they been? Mother spoke in a monotone saying too tired to talk about it, and went to bed.
When they had dropped from one bench to a lower bench, they saw the object hovering, and she started to feel weird, unable to drive, pulled over. It was very close, they could see detail. They described like windows on the side of it, could see something inside.
As far as they knew, they were there a few minutes, it left, and so did they, but they did see it off to the east side of them, following them, above the Duchesne River. They were so many hours late, but did not know it until they got home and saw the clock.
My friend and I also had an experience of missing time . . . but that would be another chapter.

Missing time is quite common.  I would be interested in hearing more.  Very intriguing.  Thanks for sharing.

Anyone else want to share any stories?

“Is there a reason why you aren’t using the front door?”

Okay, I’ve got a crap load of these that I’m going to give you guys all at the same time …

That was like 20 Dad jokes in a row … and for that, I’m sorry.

To Err is Human

To blame it on someone else shows management potential

What an excellent drawing!

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.  The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

I have put a lot of thought into it and I just don’t think being an adult is gonna work for me.

Does no one else think it’s shameful we have to put up a sign to tell people to do this?

Exercise makes you look better naked.

So does wine.

Your choice.

I often worry about the safety of my children.

—–

Especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me and talking back right now.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?” “Si, Sand,” answered Juan. The guard says, “We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!”

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand,” says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.

Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. “Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?” Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles…”

This is what a bubble looks like mid-pop

Boston has the worst drivers out of the nation’s 200 largest cities.  Kansas City has the best drivers.

I think this is a good way to end this issue…issue number 1900 … the issue leading into Memorial Day weekend.  With a very poignant look at our Nation’s Capitol:

National Guard to Pull Out Of Capitol

 

WASHINGTON—The National Guard, deployed to secure the U.S. Capitol in the wake of the Jan. 6 attack by a pro-Trump mob, will end its mission there Wednesday, the Pentagon said.

The troops began arriving at the Capitol hours after Trump supporters breached the Capitol building while Congress was certifying the election of President Biden. The number of troops at one point peaked at 26,000, representing all 50 states, three territories and the District of Columbia. Their strength has been gradually reduced, and roughly 1,600 members remain at the complex.

The Pentagon hasn’t provided an updated cost estimate since March, when it said it had spent $521 million. Although the soldiers are leaving, officials warn that the hardened security measures around the Capitol would remain.

The Capitol Police twice requested the National Guard to extend its mission.

Mr. Biden offered “deepest thanks and enduring gratitude to the women and men of our National Guard” for the effort.

  BY NANCY A. YOUSSEF AND LINDSAY WISE  

5/25/2021

And that my dear and fellow campers is that for another day.  May you find peace, happiness, and laughter this day.

Good Morning Campers,

Yup, I liked that header enough that I’m going to reuse it.  I don’t often reuse them right away, but that one speaks to me, so … there it is.

So, today is Saturday and it’s springtime, so you guys know what that means, right?  Yup, you got it.  I’ll be out in just a little while with the Izzy dragon doing the lawn mowing stuff.  Yeah, I can hardly wait.

But, it’s still early enough that I don’t want to bother the neighbors.  I have a strict no growling policy before 10 a.m. on the weekends.  Besides, I haven’t finished my first cup of coffee yet.  That sweet, delectable elixir that gets me motivated and keeps me out of jail every day.  It also has the side benefit of keeping other people breathing.  It’s a multipurpose potion.

We have some pretty cool stuff for you today.  So, I highly suggest you sit back, grab your own potion of choice, depending on when you are reading this and your own needs and let’s get this train moving down the tracks, shall we?

Okay, maybe not quite like that, but …

Well … maybe … I guess we’ll see.

 

 

 

Someone has a great sense of humor.

I Speak Four Languages

English

Sarcasm

Sexual Innuendo

Drunken Sailor

So, I speak Five…Dragon…which is a combination of all of the above.

Another one after my own heart!

This next one is AWESOME and sent in by brother Sasquatch.  This seems to be an honest to goodness news story…and I love it!

And here’s the news story that goes along with the sign … https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-q_J5IyoKE

I really think this is a great idea for some like minded people to put up around the country…

Remember the mattress cover comment on Amazon that ran last issue … here’s a comment from Leah about that …

Leah D

I looked up about the mattress covers, it is the truth!
If they don’t care enough to actually tell the buyers, what are they telling the mattress workers?
I would stand up to a gun any day before I would stand up to fiberglass!

I agree!  Fiberglass is nothing to mess around with!

And it’s pretty strong coffee, too!

There’s an Oreo cookie?

Sometimes you get caught up in one of those pictures where you’re chasing your own tail …

Embarrassing …

Great job!

And here’s a comment from Stephanie that I totally agree with …

Stephanie

We need prayer desperately for this country.

I couldn’t agree more, my darling.  We need a lot more than that, but I think that prayer would be a wonderful thing, too.

I don’t know how true that is … but hell, let’s give it a try!

Arizona and Hawaii are now the only states that don’t observe daylight savings time.

Treasure Island was never like this!

I’ve had that same problem with certain villages and some virgins who weren’t …

Another comment from Leah about the whole UFO thing…

Leah D

I have KNOWN for years, UFO’s exist. I didn’t trust our government because they denied them. Now, when we have a man totally removed from reality as president, they admit them.
What’s wrong with this picture?

Well, there’s a LOT wrong with this picture … but that’s totally beside the point.  My question is how have you KNOWN for years that UFOs exist?  Do tell, girl friend.  Spill some tea!  (I know I’m not using that right and I sound like an idiot, but still …) Okay, let’s put it this way people, you are reading and following an ezine written by an admitted dragon and a late and dearly departed leprechaun, with contributors that include the fabled Sasquatch, Santa Claus, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and numerous other fabled and mythological creatures and many of you have trouble wrapping your little heads around creatures from other planets.   My distant cousin Marvin has even put in an appearance a time or two … what’s not to believe?

Now the Navy is getting in on the act. 

Erich von Daniken in his book Chariots of the Gods postulates pessimistically that in our Milky Way Galaxy alone there could be 180 million planets capable of supporting life.  And if only one percent of them DID support life, that would still leave 1,800,000.  And if only one percent of them had life as advanced as ours that would leave 18,000.  And if only one percent of THOSE had life MORE advanced than ours, that’s still 180 planets out there that could be visiting us!  And that’s just in our own galaxy! And yes, that was me, paraphrasing A LOT from his book.  You want more, read it yourself, I did, many, many years ago.

So, what are the odds of us being visited by UFOs?  I’d say, pretty good.

 

And we can thank Vincent for this new feature …

This is called cross sea. A cross sea is a sea state with two wave systems traveling at oblique angles.

And to give you a taste of what’s to come in the upcoming weeks, here’s another:

This is what an eight-ton Orca jumping 20 feet out of the water looks like

Now THAT’S a flying fish!

If tomorrow, women woke up and decided they really liked their bodies, just think how many industries would go out of business.

Well damn!  It looks like me and someone else have the same job …

I also try to get you to think a little bit sometimes … I know for some people that hurts their heads, but you guys can handle it.  YOU campers are special people.

Somehow I think it’s gonna hurt!

The Onion Relish is innocent, I tell ya!  Innocent! 

Just a couple of these for today …

It’s better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at that line for the rest of your life.

Flirt:  When you fall for someone’s words.

Lust:  When you fall for someone’s beauty.

Love:  When you fall for someone’s soul.

Wow!  That’s powerful!  So … I guess I’ll just keep flirting with you guys!

But your biggest mistake, my son … IS WE DO EXIST.

And it sure isn’t a religion of God.  Or at least not any god that lives in Heaven.

There is no such thing as a Grouchy Old Person.

The truth is, once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.

Nearly everything has the potential to be funny.  The smartasses seize th opportunity to poke fun at something just to get a laugh.  Please thank a smartass today for making your life more cheerful.

You’re welcome.

This quote almost made me cry.  If you don’t know her story, you should look it up.  She was a regular on Saturday Night Live when SNL really was something.

“I wanted a perfect ending.  Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end.”  ~ Gilda Radner

Gone too soon.

Anyone can make you smile, many people can make you cry, but it takes someone really special to make you smile with tears in your eyes.

Half of me is a hopeless romantic and the other half … well, the other half is an asshole.

And that’s it for today my fellow travelers through the campgrounds of life.  Okay, that sounded as lame as it looked.  Anyway, that’s it; it’s over; finish your coffee and go back to work.  Have a great rest of your day.