It’s Saturday. Well, truth be told, it’s Saturday for you guys, for me it’s now Wednesday. I’m working a little ahead of time so as not to get behind. Tomorrow’s issue is in the chute and ready to go, so I’m quite a bit ahead.
This is Issue #2000! What a milestone! And you guys have shared this with me! I’m astounded! Never thought we’d make it this far! Thank you so much for all you’ve done to make it with me. Love you guys! Now, let’s make it a GREAT issue!
Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job.
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck…
according to Facebook fact-checkers, it is, in fact, a squirrel.
“I am the master of all I survey!”
“Dude, get the fuck off my house!”
“Oh! So, sorry. My mistake.”
I turned my back for a second and old age crept up on me faster than a pair of old underwear.
One of the better parts of being a dragon.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is!
I just want to feel wanted by someone other than Bill Collectors.
“Butterflies! Fucking butterflies! I hate these fucking butterflies!”
Things Water is Supposed to Give Me: -Clear Skin -Weight Loss -Headache Relief -Reduced Anxiety -More Energy -Better Memory What I Get: -Pee
Q: What do you get when you cross a lake with a leaky boat?
A: About half way.
There are people out there training for marathons…
and here I am, on the couch, trying to lasso the remote with my phone charger.
This next one is from John S. And John, I have to thank you for a wonderful laugh. The response from the Landowners obviously proves they’ve had dealings with the Department of Fish and Wildlife in the past.
The Department of Fish and Wildlife sends a letter to a home/landowner asking for permission to access a creek on his property to document the decline in a certain species of unheard of frogs.
The property owners’ response in the second letter is EPIC.
Letter from Dept. Of Fish & Wildlife:
Dear Landowner:
Staff will be conducting surveys for foothill yellow-legged frogs & other amphibians over the next few months. As part of this research we would like to survey the creek on your property. I am writing this letter to request your permission to access your property.
Recent research indicates that foothill yellow-legged frogs have declined significantly in recent years and are no longer found at half their historic sites. Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated and will help contribute to the conservation of this important species.
Please fill out the attached postage-paid postcard and let us know if you are willing to let us cross your property or not.
If you have any concerns about this project please give us a call. We would love to talk with you about our research.
Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this matter.
We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the “Frog Survey License” ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident). You will also need to obtain a “Frog Habitat” parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle).
You will also need an “Invasive Species” stamp ($15.00 for the first vehicle and $5.00 for each add’l vehicle) You will also want to register at the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for Non-native plant life prior to entering our property. There is also a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.
If you are successful in the Draw you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your “Creek Habitat” stamp. ($18.00 Resident / $140.00 Non-Resident).
Survey units open between 8 am. And 3 PM. But you cannot commence survey until 9 am. And must cease all survey activity by 1 PM.
Survey Gear can only include a net with a 2″ diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18 in handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6′ from net frame to bottom of net. Handles can only be made of BPA-free plastics or wooden handles.
After 1 PM. You can use a net with a 3″ diameter if you purchase the “Frog Net Endorsement” ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident).
Any frogs captured that are released will need to be released with an approved release device back into the environment unharmed.
As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our “Premium Survey” units and application is again only $8.00 per application.
However, all fees can be waived if you can verify “Native Indian Tribal rights and status”.
You will also need to provide evidence of successful completion of “Frog Surveys and Your” comprehensive course on frog identification, safe handling practices, and self-defense strategies for frog attacks.
This course is offered on-line through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.
Please let us know if we can be of assistance to you. Otherwise, we decline your access to our property but appreciate your inquiry.
Sincerely,
Landowners
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train.” “Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.” “No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss.” “No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”. “Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”
Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any longer.–
I’m pretty fast for an old man. I don’t know how fast wind is, but I’m told I pass it quite frequently!
Most people can’t tell if I’m being sincere or a smartass. It’s kind of a gift.
Shopping with a girl is so confusing. They go to buy a dress, look at makeup, and end up buying a Mcflurry?????
Pastor’s Business Card A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote “Revelation 3:20” on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, “Genesis 3:10.” Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.” Genesis 3:10 reads, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.” Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are! Pass it on. “A cheerful heart is good medicine” (Prov. 17:22)
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubt, while the stupid people are full of confidence. ~ Charles Bukowski
Remember in The Lion King when Scar cheated to win the title as King? And the Pride Land was overrun with the hyenas? And all of the lions lost everything they had built and maintained their whole lives for?
Just asking.
No reason.
Sometimes I wonder if the beer thinks about me while I’m at work…
This one is from our dear friend Lynn and it’s called:
Things that Drive Thinking People Crazy
Welcome to Year 3 of the Chinese Virus. Here are some thoughts as we begin a new year under the Biden Build Back Broke Disintegration Plan:
According to the American Petroleum Institute, we have enough oil in North America to fuel every single passenger car and long-haul truck for the next 430 years. We have enough natural gas to provide electricity for every business and household for the next 535 years and enough coal to provide electricity for about 500 years. So, don’t you think that in 430 years we will have developed alternative fuel sources? Why then did Joe Biden sacrifice America’s energy independence, cease all exploration for oil and gas, abandon pipeline development and drive up prices of gasoline, heating oil, and jet fuel and make us once again dependent on foreign oil?
Isn’t it curious that in some states like California, Washington, Illinois, and New York, shoplifting of items less than $950 is not a crime but the Biden Build Back Better Spendalooza calls for hiring 87,000 IRS agents to monitor individual banking transactions of $600 or more? Fascinating.
Someone needs to educate me as to how we are going to produce all the batteries needed to facilitate a transition away from fossil fuels to battery-driven vehicles when the basic ingredients for batteries are all found in rare minerals such as lithium, cobalt, and zinc and others, all of which must be mined in countries not exactly friendly to us. Also, if you have ever driven on the Cross Bronx Expressway or the 405 in Southern California and were stuck in traffic, how exactly will the repair truck reach a disabled vehicle before their battery dies…along with the batteries of all the other vehicles in traffic?
When will construction start to build the 500,000 battery charging stations Joe Biden told us about? Where will they be situated? Won’t they be powered by burning fossil fuels?
If you ever feel like you haven’t accomplished anything, try to remember that it took 20 years, trillions of dollars and four Presidents to replace the Taliban in Afghanistan with………. the Taliban.
If you feel your job is hard and you are unappreciated, think about the poor slob who serves as the sign language interpreter for Joe Biden.
Let me try to understand this: we can’t seem to find illegals to deport, but we can sure find them to give them money! How does that work?
If there was a barnyard election, the pigs would always vote for the person that feeds them and gives them treats, even though that same person is going to slaughter them someday. That same philosophy is the very definition of socialism.
Memo to Generation Z and the Woke Generation: The Stars and Stripes that fly over our Nation’s Capital and are wrapped around the coffins of our honored dead who sacrificed their lives to keep us free, is my Flag. I will never apologize for it. The Flag does not stand for skin color, race, or religion. It stands for freedom. Never forget that!! ___________________________________________________ If you do not take an interest in the affairs of your government, then you are doomed to live under the rule of fools.
Plato
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes. ~Sigmund Freud
Every day I understand the phrase “I’m getting too old for this shit” on an even deeper level.
And that’s it for me today folks. I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I did. May your day be filled with your joy and happiness.
So yeah…I missed Monday. It was a really long, really hard weekend. My body feels like it’s been run over by a steamroller.
Yeah, I’m getting too old for this…although, according to my doctor, whom I saw this morning, I’m heathy as a friggin’ horse.
Blood pressure was about perfect, weight is down even more, I’ve now lost a total of about 85 lbs. She set me up with a whole gamut of blood tests, urine tests, and she’s sending me for physical therapy to try and help with my back pain. STILL waiting to hear a date for my hip surgery. I’m going to have to give them a call and jiggle their elbow I think.
I’ve got the news on again, which I know is a mistake, but they are saying that Biden is going to announce a ban on Russian oil. The average price of gas is $4.17 a gallon. I filled up after my doctor’s appointment this morning. Cost me $50! For 3/4 of a tank of gas! I paid $3.99 a gallon. And we here in northern Indiana are normally a bit cheaper than the rest of the country. They were showing signs from places like Los Angeles where it was over $5.00 a gallon. But you know what? YOU KNOW WHAT! It’s worth it to stop buying fucking Russian oil!! But you also know what??? We can drop that price right back down again, but drilling in our own damn country like we SHOULD BE DOING!!!!!
And Harris is on TV telling us with a great big shit eating grin on her face, that “we are in the midst of a turning point. We have the technology to transition to a zero emission fleet.” Yeah…a couple of problems with that, not the least of which is that Afghanistan is the leading place to get the minerals you need for the batteries for your stupid electric vehicles and you just gave that country to China! Oh wait! That’s right…the Bidens all work for China. I’m sorry. I forgot that part.
Alright, let’s get a couple of laughs in before Biden tells us how we’re going to get on without Russian oil. We’re probably going to release another couple of hundred thousand barrels of strategic reserves or something stupid like that.
Now there’s a mom thinking outside the box.
Why are companies putting the lids on so tight now that I’m older?
Some of the amusement rides that we have at Dragon Laffs, Inc. are the envy of the likes of Disney World and Six Flags!
You know…there’s probably a logical explanation for this…but for the life of me, I can’t figure out what in the hell it might be.
The Year is 1922 Very interesting for all ages.
The year is 1922,”One hundred years ago.” What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for Year 1922:
The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.
Fuel for cars was sold in drug stores only.
Only 14 percent of homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of homes had a telephone.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average US wage in 1922 was 22 cents per hour. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year.
A dentist earned $2,500 per year.
A veterinarian between $1,500 and 4,000 per year.
And, a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at home
Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND in the government as “substandard.”
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women washed their hair once a month and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed law prohibiting poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
The Five leading causes of death were:
1 Pneumonia and influenza
2 Tuberculosis
3 Diarrhea
4 Heart disease
5 Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars …
The population of Las Vegas , Nevada was only 30.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet.
There was neither a Mother’s Day nor Father’s Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn’t read or write And, only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were available over the counter at local drugstores. Back then pharmacists said: “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach, bowels, and is a perfect guardian of health!” (Shocking?)
Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help…
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.
I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself. From there, it will be sent to others all over WORLD all in a matter of seconds! It is impossible to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
Never mind 100 years…….just 5 more years
If a man speaks in the forest, but there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
So I got sucked down a YouTube rabbit hole and this is what I found. Made me laugh really hard, so I thought it would make you guys laugh, too. 31 years ago…
Ain’t that the truth!
I can’t wait for the sunrises to come back…
One of the more tame rides…
Think you are having a bad day?
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.
Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed. But keep reading….
Still think you‘re having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled petrol with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
Still having a bad day ?
Just remember, it could be worse..
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Little cousin Eddie has a really crappy job.
Still think you are having a bad day ?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you‘re having a bad day ?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.
What ?! STILL having a bad day ??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with ‘return to sender’ stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feelingbetter?
I bet the people who voted for Biden are turning over in their graves.
The doctor said if I have the vasectomy, I wouldn’t have any kids…so I had the operation. I got home…they’re still fucking here!
When you absolutely, positively hate your neighbors
You know you’re old when you now clean to the music you used to drink to.
When they said, “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Pretty bad time to be a disastrously bad real estate developer with hundreds of millions in debt coming due and your primary source of laundered money currently banned from world banks.
The distance between dreams and reality is called Action.
Dad is obsessive compulsive about his vinyl and owns every single Beatles record except for one…
I think he needs Help.
The problem is not that people are uneducated. The problem is that they are educated just enough to believe what they’ve been taught, and not educated enough to question what they’ve been taught.
And that my friends is that. Love and happiness to you all.
Well, you guys are reading this and I am teaching class…and then teaching another class…and then tomorrow I’ll be teaching another class…rinse and repeat. It’s going to be one of those weekends. You know, I keep saying that teaching is my favorite part of the job, and it is. But, it’s also getting to be the hardest part of my job. Four hours at a time on my feet waiting for a hip replacement, a knee replacement, and work done on my back is getting harder and harder to do. It sucks getting older. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. LOL!
Izzy is working tonight, so I’m here on my own, so I’m spending the next couple of hours with you guys, so what do you say, let’s get some laughter on!
And this one is from Aussie Pete and I have to say…it kinda makes sense…
The Bicycle Is killing our economy.
General Director of Euro Exim Bank Ltd. got economists thinking when he said: A cyclist is a disaster for the country’s economy: He does not buy cars. He does not pay for insurance policies. He does not buy fuel, does not pay for the necessary maintenance and repairs. He does not use paid parking. He does not cause serious accidents. He does not require multi-lane highways. He does not get fat. He keeps fit. Healthy people are neither needed nor useful for the economy. They don’t buy medicine. They do not go to hospitals or doctors. Nothing is added to the country’s GDP. On the contrary, every new McDonald’s restaurant creates at least 30 jobs: 10 cardiologists, 10 dentists, 10 dietary experts and nutritionists, and obviously, people who work at the restaurant itself. Choose carefully: cyclist or McDonald’s? It is worth considering. Walking is even worse. Pedestrians don’t even buy bicycles.
We thought it was our ability to love that made us human, but it turns out it was actually our ability to select each image containing a boat.
Rap is like scissors — it always loses to rock.
And dragons … here there be dragons.
Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.
ROFLMAO!
This one comes to us from Stephanie:
My husband said his forearms are itchy.
I said, “don’t be silly, you only have two arms.”
Yup! Been there, done that!
Wow!
I don’t pretend to be something I’m not…
I know I’m crazy…
And I own that shit!
There are times, at Dragon Laffs, Inc., that parking can be a little … difficult.
Let it not be so with us.
WOKE: A state of awareness only achieved by those DUMB enough to Find INJUSTICE in EVERYTHING EXCEPT their OWN BEHAVIOR.
How true that statement is…
It hasn’t been much time, but this too, is so very, very true.
Yeah, I saw this too. And I thought to myself, WTF, is she finally losing it?
‘What the hell is she doing?’ Nancy Pelosi distracts viewers during State of Union by jumping out her seat, rubbing her knuckles in glee and grinding her teeth while Biden speaks solemnly about toxic burn pits
She distracted viewers with her awkward and erratic behavior throughout
Pelosi, 81, jumped out of her seat and rubbed her knuckles when Biden mentioned soldiers breathing in toxic smoke from burn pits
She also appeared to be rubbing her tongue over her teeth and grimacing
Some asked if she was ‘OK’ while others remarked that she looked like she was ‘on drugs or drunk
In the Marine Corps, you have to know there’d be a lot of back and forth between rotor heads and Fighter/Attack Types. Especially when you had separate bases right close to each other.
One year, 3rd MAW was having a rash of accidents. The Wing Commander called a meeting at the base theater for all Group and Squadron C.O.’s… Plus all the Safety Officers and Assistants.
The General gave a collective “ass chewing” to all… In fact he went on so long, his audience was getting pissed. Instead of getting the “message”, lots of groans, shifting in seats, and sniffs occurred. Finally the General concludes with… “Is there anyone out there who doesn’t understand what I said or has any questions”.
Total silence… But our Skipper was fearless, his name was Mike Gehring and then I see his right arm starting to ascend!? WTF? The General sees it and says, “State your name and question”.
Mike doesn’t miss a beat… “LtCol. Mike Gehring Sir… I’m sick of all the preferential treatment the fighter pilots are getting around here… Something needs to be done about it”.
The General, along with all the others present were stunned! Finally the General comes back with; “What the hell are you talking about”?
Mike never skipped a beat… He says, “General, YOU might not have noticed… but believe me the rest of us have. Anywhere we go on base… every Primo parking spot is reserved for fighter Pilots! The Club, the Exchange, the Dispensary, even the Wing Headquarters”! The best, closest parking spot is always reserved for the jet Drivers! You have HAD to have seen them General.
The General then replied, “No, I don’t think I have seen them, how are they labeled?”
Mike, with a small smirk on his face replied, “Well sir, they’re marked…..’HANDICAPPED’.
For about 10 seconds there was total silence… the General smiled, then total pandemonium. The General didn’t say another word.
What the fuck is that?
And with a really long and hard weekend ahead of me, I’m not sure there will be an issue on Monday. So, I’m going to end this tonight with one final meme to express my own personal feelings and the feelings of many of you, I’m sure. Until next time, my friends…
Can you believe that there are people in the United States that are saying that we need to ignore the situation in Ukraine because it is white people fighting white people? I am completely floored. You people are fucking morons. Plain and simple. I’m ashamed of the fact that you call yourselves Americans. I wish I had more information, but I don’t want to search for it for fear of having hits on my computer on their website, so on to other things. If I hear more about it on the news I’ll report.
Biden’s State of the Union Address is tonight. I’m afraid of what he’s going to say. Odds are it’s going to be a bunch of lies. If he says we were ready, I’m going to call him a fucking liar. He has the opportunity to set things straight … wanna bet he doesn’t take it? We’ll see I guess.
You know what? Let’s do some laughter while we try to get through this night.
Me: Kinda sexy how you put those cuffs on me. Will I need a safe word?
Cop: The fuck is wrong is with you?
We import 595,000 barrels of oil per day from Russia.
The Keystone XL Pipeline would have produced 830,000 barrels per day.
Relying on Russian oil is a choice. And it’s a stupid one.
My husband almost fell down the stairs and now we are in a heated debate as to whether my gasp was out of fear for his safety or excitement about a possible life insurance payout.
Sometimes all you need is the touch of a friend.
I can remember seeing that or a similar picture when shopping for school clothes when I was in high school.
This morning the cat threw up, the dog got loose, and my youngest told me he’s running away from home. If only I had a broken down truck this would make a great country song.
This is one of the sweetest damn pictures I’ve ever seen!
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
Yes…yes, she does.
Imagine trying to learn English and finding out that “Butt Dialing” and “Booty Calls” are two entirely different things.
What our drone force looks like at Dragon Laffs, Inc.
If I can make at least one person smile, pee their pants a little, or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted!
I was kidnapped by mimes…
They did unspeakable things to me
Some old, some new, all funny…Thanks Ted!
On Growing Older…Reality Bites
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close enough..”
Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.
I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!
Retirement to do list: ..Wake up. -I Nailed it!
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.
I don’t have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.
Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.
I don’t trip, I do random gravity checks.
One minute you’re young and fun. Next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.
I’d grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.
Some people are like clouds, once they disappear it’s a beautiful day.
Some people you’re glad to see coming; some people you’re glad to see going.
Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone else who doesn’t have it.
I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.
If you can’t think of a word, say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. …I forgot where I was going with this.
Having plans sounds like a good idea ..until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
It’s weird being the same age as old people.
When I was a kid I wanted to be older… This is not what I expected.
Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter either.
It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember… don’t sing!
I see people my age mountain climbing. I feel good just getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story anyway.
Wife: Can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: Ok, but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high.
And that has to be it for today. I’ve run out of time. Too many things going on at once today. Love and happiness to you all.
Well, more good news. We just found out that we lost our dart location…again! Those of you who have been around for a while know this happened to us a couple of years ago when the Elks Lodge suddenly and without cause threw us out of their basement. Now, the Side Pocket, where we play is being forced to close, (through no fault of their own) which means that we are also being forced to find a new home. Now, they may find a new home that has enough room for us, in which case we will have a new home OR we may find a new place willing to give us a couple of walls to throw darts at a couple of days a week. I guess that is going to play out over the next couple of weeks. We just happen to be between seasons, so it’s not as disruptive as it could have been.
So Putin is losing his mind, and Biden doesn’t have one, so the world is spinning out of control. It’s all about energy. Specifically oil. And yet, Biden won’t put the damn oil sanctions in place that NEED to be put into place and won’t start up oil production in the United States that NEED to be started up. The two biggest things that need to be done and they are not being done. WHAT THE FUCK, Biden? Open up the Keystone Pipeline you idiot!
And to see their political figures picking up weapons to defend their cities and their homes is so impressive! Can you see OUR political figures picking up rifles to defend our country? That’s laughable. Some would. I can think of a few who would do it…but not many and certainly not like the Ukrainians are!
Anyway…
I joined an online grief group. I haven’t really participated yet, just read other people’s posts. Not sure I’m going to. I may throw my two-cents worth in at some point in time, but reading through the posts, it’s almost like … I don’t know … they don’t seem to mesh with what I’m feeling … or they aren’t writing or expressing it that way. Or it could be that I’m just not seeing it. They have a HUGE following, like 3.6K followers. So, you can’t expect everyone to be a great writer, but still.
And talk about calling the kettle black, reading through what I’ve written so far this morning, I should definitely not be casting aspersions on other writers. Sheesh! I know I have my own “voice” but it’s a bit scratchy this morning. So, let’s get to the laughter. Seems like we really need it this morning.
Our friend of the show “Friggin’ Pete” sent this next one, and I agree with him 101%! It is a beautiful picture.
Of all the things I have ever posted, this photo is one of my very favorites.
It says so much without saying a word.
My question, especially given the time frame, is how is Tom connected to the Clintons? That, then could explain everything.
Yeah, at a friggin’ minimum!
Yeah, I cook a bunch of stuff myself, too.
Just heard that Putin just put his nuclear forces on high alert in response to NATO increased expansion. He’s a fucking mad man. Someone needs to stop him now!
I read books, I drink coffee, and I know things.
This next one is from Lynn … not her usual fare, but fun and funny none-the-less:
Killer Chili…
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that the course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘you’re definitely going to shit yourself’ chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks will fall off.
Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No ‘Watson’s Movement 2’. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as ‘thunder and lightning.’
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that ‘Uh, oh, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. …….BIG mistake!!!!!
Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. ‘It’ was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand my ass explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’ . He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, “Son of a bitch!”, then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, re-acquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, “Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.”
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, “IT’S YOU!.” Then he ran off, returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Kroger’s. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.
Smoking pot and skipping school had me in trouble constantly. Now weed’s legal and school’s closed…damn kids are living the dream.
That’s a great chess set!
You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.
Quite often in fact. We are often underestimated.
If you need a friend, message me, need a laugh, call me, need a hug, stop by my house, need money, this number is no longer in service.
Roses are red…
Who’s nut?
O.M.G.!
Next time you’re feeling down, remember life is all about perspective. I have a friend who has sex 2 to 3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week and yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison.
My other nephew, on-the-other-hand, has a pretty crappy job…
An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her father on “Take Your Kid to Work Day”. As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked what was wrong with her. As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly, “Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?”
WRONG IS WRONG even if everyone is doing it.
RIGHT IS RIGHT even if no one is doing it.
Two things define you: Your patience when you have nothing, and your attitude when you have everything.
The size of your problems is nothing compared with your ability to solve them. Don’t overestimate your problems, or underestimate yourself.
I like making people laugh.
In some way, it helps me know that someone needs my fucked up sense of humor to cheer them up.
Every woman’s dream is that a man will take her in his arms, throw her into bed…and clean the whole house while she sleeps.
The cops came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 and 6…
Apparently “Kindergarten” was NOT the right answer!
ROFLMAO! Yeah, right!
Revenge is beneath me.
Accidents, however, will happen.
When you walk with trash, you end up smelling the same.
And now we learn, after hearing on Thursday that Biden is NOT prepared to encourage China to enforce the sanctions against Russia, that Biden shared Top Secret information on Operational Plans concerning NATO and Ukraine with China, who in-turn (of course) shared them with Russia. That’s called TREASON and if I or one of my people did that, we would be in fucking jail before the sunset! WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK!?!? Do we need to catch him robbing a fucking bank?
Arguing with me is a waste of time.
I’m so sarcastic and nonchalant that it’s gonna piss you off even more.
The school called today and said, “Your son is telling lies.”
“Well,” I replied, “He must be really good because I don’t have any kids.”
I WANT ONE!!!
And that’s a really good place to put this one to bed. Hope to see you all on Thursday. And hopefully with some much better news than we had today. Love and happiness to you all … and Peace. Let’s all pray for that, too.
Dragon Laffs 