Dragon Laffs #1997

Can you believe that there are people in the United States that are saying that we need to ignore the situation in Ukraine because it is white people fighting white people?  I am completely floored.  You people are fucking morons.  Plain and simple.  I’m ashamed of the fact that you call yourselves Americans.  I wish I had more information, but I don’t want to search for it for fear of having hits on my computer on their website, so on to other things.  If I hear more about it on the news I’ll report. 

Biden’s State of the Union Address is tonight.  I’m afraid of what he’s going to say.  Odds are it’s going to be a bunch of lies.  If he says we were ready, I’m going to call him a fucking liar.  He has the opportunity to set things straight … wanna bet he doesn’t take it?  We’ll see I guess. 

You know what?  Let’s do some laughter while we try to get through this night.

Me:  Kinda sexy how you put those cuffs on me.  Will I need a safe word?  

Cop:  The fuck is wrong is with you?

We import 595,000 barrels of oil per day from Russia. 

The Keystone XL Pipeline would have produced 830,000 barrels per day. 

Relying on Russian oil is a choice.  And it’s a stupid one.

My husband almost fell down the stairs and now we are in a heated debate as to whether my gasp was out of fear for his safety or excitement about a possible life insurance payout.

Sometimes all you need is the touch of a friend.

I can remember seeing that or a similar picture when shopping for school clothes when I was in high school.

This morning the cat threw up, the dog got loose, and my youngest told me he’s running away from home.  If only I had a broken down truck this would make a great country song.

This is one of the sweetest damn pictures I’ve ever seen!

I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.

Yes…yes, she does.

Imagine trying to learn English and finding out that “Butt Dialing” and “Booty Calls” are two entirely different things.

What our drone force looks like at Dragon Laffs, Inc.

If I can make at least one person smile, pee their pants a little, or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted!

I was kidnapped by mimes…

They did unspeakable things to me

Some old, some new, all funny…Thanks Ted!

On Growing Older…Reality Bites

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close enough..”

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Retirement to do list: ..Wake up. -I Nailed it!

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.

I don’t have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

I don’t trip, I do random gravity checks.

One minute you’re young and fun. Next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.

I’d grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.

Some people are like clouds, once they disappear it’s a beautiful day.

Some people you’re glad to see coming; some people you’re glad to see going.

Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone else who doesn’t have it.

I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.

If you can’t think of a word, say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. …I forgot where I was going with this.

Having plans sounds like a good idea ..until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older… This is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter either.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember… don’t sing!

I see people my age mountain climbing. I feel good just getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story anyway.

Wife:  Can you give the kids a talk on drugs?  

Me:  Ok, but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high.

And that has to be it for today.  I’ve run out of time.  Too many things going on at once today.  Love and happiness to you all.

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1 Response to Dragon Laffs #1997

  1. Marsha Mastrangelo says:

    Here is a nurse one for ya…..Did you hear our president had to be taken to the hospital? He couldn’t stop putin. I do know he is full of it.

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