Dragon Laffs #2000


It’s Saturday.  Well, truth be told, it’s Saturday for you guys, for me it’s now Wednesday.  I’m working a little ahead of time so as not to get behind.  Tomorrow’s issue is in the chute and ready to go, so I’m quite a bit ahead.  

This is Issue #2000!  What a milestone!  And you guys have shared this with me!  I’m astounded!  Never thought we’d make it this far!  Thank you so much for all you’ve done to make it with me.  Love you guys!  Now, let’s make it a GREAT issue!

Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job.

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck…

according to Facebook fact-checkers, it is, in fact, a squirrel.

“I am the master of all I survey!”

“Dude, get the fuck off my house!”

“Oh!  So, sorry.  My mistake.”

I turned my back for a second and old age crept up on me faster than a pair of old underwear.

One of the better parts of being a dragon.

Waiter:  How do you like your steak, sir?  

Sir:  Like winning an argument with my wife.  

Waiter:  Rare it is!

I just want to feel wanted by someone other than Bill Collectors.

“Butterflies! Fucking butterflies!  I hate these fucking butterflies!”

Things Water is Supposed to Give Me:
-Clear Skin
-Weight Loss
-Headache Relief
-Reduced Anxiety
-More Energy
-Better Memory
What I Get:
-Pee

Q:  What do you get when you cross a lake with a leaky boat?  

A:  About half way.

There are people out there training for marathons…

and here I am, on the couch, trying to lasso the remote with my phone charger.

This next one is from John S.  And John, I have to thank you for a wonderful laugh.  The response from the Landowners obviously proves they’ve had dealings with the Department of Fish and Wildlife in the past.

The Department of Fish and Wildlife sends a letter to a home/landowner asking for permission to access a creek on his property to document the decline in a certain species of unheard of frogs.

The property owners’ response in the second letter is EPIC.

Letter from Dept. Of Fish & Wildlife:

Dear Landowner:

Staff will be conducting surveys for foothill yellow-legged frogs & other amphibians over the next few months. As part of this research we would like to survey the creek on your property. I am writing this letter to request your permission to access your property.

Recent research indicates that foothill yellow-legged frogs have declined significantly in recent years and are no longer found at half their historic sites. Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated and will help contribute to the conservation of this important species.

Please fill out the attached postage-paid postcard and let us know if you are willing to let us cross your property or not.

If you have any concerns about this project please give us a call. We would love to talk with you about our research.

Sincerely:

Conservation Strategy Implementation Biologist

***************************** ******************************

****************************** *****************************

RESPONSE FROM LANDOWNERS:

Dear Mr. :

Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this matter.

We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the “Frog Survey License” ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident). You will also need to obtain a “Frog Habitat” parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle).

You will also need an “Invasive Species” stamp ($15.00 for the first vehicle and $5.00 for each add’l vehicle) You will also want to register at the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for Non-native plant life prior to entering our property. There is also a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.

If you are successful in the Draw you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your “Creek Habitat” stamp. ($18.00 Resident / $140.00 Non-Resident).

Survey units open between 8 am. And 3 PM. But you cannot commence survey until 9 am. And must cease all survey activity by 1 PM.

Survey Gear can only include a net with a 2″ diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18 in handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6′ from net frame to bottom of net. Handles can only be made of BPA-free plastics or wooden handles.

After 1 PM. You can use a net with a 3″ diameter if you purchase the “Frog Net Endorsement” ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident).

Any frogs captured that are released will need to be released with an approved release device back into the environment unharmed.

As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our “Premium Survey” units and application is again only $8.00 per application.

However, all fees can be waived if you can verify “Native Indian Tribal rights and status”.

You will also need to provide evidence of successful completion of “Frog Surveys and Your” comprehensive course on frog identification, safe handling practices, and self-defense strategies for frog attacks.

This course is offered on-line through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.

Please let us know if we can be of assistance to you. Otherwise, we decline your access to our property but appreciate your inquiry.

Sincerely,

Landowners

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train.” “Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.” “No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss.” “No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”. “Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any longer.–

I’m pretty fast for an old man.  I don’t know how fast wind is, but I’m told I pass it quite frequently!

Most people can’t tell if I’m being sincere or a smartass.  It’s kind of a gift.

Shopping with a girl is so confusing.  They go to buy a dress, look at makeup, and end up buying a Mcflurry?????

Pastor’s Business Card
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer
came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote “Revelation 3:20” on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message,
“Genesis 3:10.”
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.” Genesis 3:10 reads, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.”
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
They still are!  Pass it on.
“A cheerful heart is good medicine” (Prov. 17:22)

The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubt, while the stupid people are full of confidence. ~ Charles Bukowski

Remember in The Lion King when Scar cheated to win the title as King?  And the Pride Land was overrun with the hyenas? And all of the lions lost everything they had built and maintained their whole lives for? 

Just asking. 

No reason.

Sometimes I wonder if the beer thinks about me while I’m at work…

This one is from our dear friend Lynn and it’s called: 

Things that Drive Thinking People Crazy

Welcome to Year 3 of the Chinese Virus.  Here are some thoughts as we begin a new year under the Biden Build Back Broke Disintegration Plan:

 According to the American Petroleum Institute, we have enough oil in North America to fuel every single passenger car and long-haul truck for the next 430 years.  We have enough natural gas to provide electricity for every business and household for the next 535 years and enough coal to provide electricity for about 500 years.  So, don’t you think that in 430 years we will have developed alternative fuel sources?  Why then did Joe Biden sacrifice America’s energy independence, cease all exploration for oil and gas, abandon pipeline development and drive up prices of gasoline, heating oil, and jet fuel and make us once again dependent on foreign oil?

 Isn’t it curious that in some states like California, Washington, Illinois, and New York, shoplifting of items less than $950 is not a crime but the Biden Build Back Better Spendalooza calls for hiring 87,000 IRS agents to monitor individual banking transactions of $600 or more?  Fascinating.

 Someone needs to educate me as to how we are going to produce all the batteries needed to facilitate a transition away from fossil fuels to battery-driven vehicles when the basic ingredients for batteries are all found in rare minerals such as lithium, cobalt, and zinc and others, all of which must be mined in countries not exactly friendly to us.  Also, if you have ever driven on the Cross Bronx Expressway or the 405 in Southern California and were stuck in traffic, how exactly will the repair truck reach a disabled vehicle before their battery dies…along with the batteries of all the other vehicles in traffic?

 When will construction start to build the 500,000 battery charging stations Joe Biden told us about?  Where will they be situated? Won’t they be powered by burning fossil fuels?  

 If you ever feel like you haven’t accomplished anything, try to remember that it took 20 years, trillions of dollars and four Presidents to replace the Taliban in Afghanistan with………. the Taliban.

 If you feel your job is hard and you are unappreciated, think about the poor slob who serves as the sign language interpreter for Joe Biden.

 Let me try to understand this:  we can’t seem to find illegals to deport, but we can sure find them to give them money!  How does that work?

 If there was a barnyard election, the pigs would always vote for the person that feeds them and gives them treats, even though that same person is going to slaughter them someday.  That same philosophy is the very definition of socialism.

 Memo to Generation Z and the Woke Generation:  The Stars and Stripes that fly over our Nation’s Capital and are wrapped around the coffins of our honored dead who sacrificed their lives to keep us free, is my Flag.  I will never apologize for it.  The Flag does not stand for skin color, race, or religion.  It stands for freedom.  Never forget that!!
___________________________________________________
If you do not take an interest in the affairs of your government, then you are doomed to live under  the rule of fools.

Plato

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes. ~Sigmund Freud 

Every day I understand the phrase “I’m getting too old for this shit” on an even deeper level.

And that’s it for me today folks.  I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I did.  May your day be filled with your joy and happiness.

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5 Responses to Dragon Laffs #2000

  1. Tom Harlander says:

    If they do, i’ll send you the link.

  2. dowchuckil says:

    thank you “impish”. 2000 and i hope a bunch more. ever since this craziness started 2 years ago, i went back to the beginning of dragon laffs and lethal leprechaun and re-read them. it’s ironic of just how much things back then are pretty much like alot of the shit that is going on still now. keep us laffing please.

  3. Tom Harlander says:

    I took the liberty of copying out most of dear Lynn’s treatise, with a few modifications of my own, and sent it to the local newpaper this morning. I added the Plato quote at the end.

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