It’s Saturday.  I made it through St. Patrick’s Day…barely.  There were tears.  There was gnashing of teeth and wailing.  Now, I have two more events to get through.  One on Thursday and one on Friday.  My darling Mary’s birthday is Thursday and I’m already wound up about it.  It’s like I’m on the edge of a panic attack and have been for the past couple of days and it’s been getting worse each day.  Basically I’m freaking the fuck out. 

So … I NEED to laugh.  Need to laugh bad.  So, won’t you guys join me? 

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes. ~Sigmund Freud 

The government is finally legalizing weed.  Because that’s what you do when you’re broke and desperate.  You sell drugs.

My hobbies include long scrolls down my phone, talking to my pets, binge watching Netflix, singing in the shower, staying in my PJs too long, being tired all day…then not sleeping at night, drinking everything but water, ordering stuff online, reading about new diets while eating cake, and making lists of things I will never do…

Dragons and Celtic Crosses have a long history together.  There is magic in both.

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.  

This is exactly what my Mary would have said!  LOL!

New Dieting Tip!

Just fill up your car’s fuel tank and you won’t be able to afford groceries! 

Good luck!

Which makes perfect government sense.

Gas so damn high the mailman is working from home.  He called me yesterday and read my bills to me.

I’ve got a little secret…

McDonalds closed 850 stores in Russia this week, which is their way of enforcing a no fry zone.

A man in Moscow buys a newspaper, glances at the front page, and throws it away.  He does the same thing every day.  Eventually, the seller snaps.  “Why DO you do that?”  “I’m just checking for an obituary.”  “But obituaries aren’t on the front page!”  “The one I’m looking for will be.”

The cops just left.  They said if I was gonna walk around the house naked, I have to do it inside.

Sometimes I tuck my knees

into my chest and lean forward.

( That’s just the way I roll.)

~ Aussie Peter

It seems the monsters under my bed are afraid of the skeletons in my closet.

That was sent in by Friggin’ Pete and it helps a lot right now.  Thanks, Pete.

“Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?” 

“This is Alexa.”

An odd place to end, but that has to be that for tonight.  Ran out of time and battery power and strength.  Love and happiness to you all, until next time. 

Cheers! 

Impish Dragon

Well, it’s Thursday.  It’s been a long week.  They are all getting longer and longer. 

Teaching class today.  Special mid-week class.  Should be fun, I have some special guests in today’s class.  

Not much to go over this week.  I’m a bit anxious, stressed and depressed.  Mrs. Dragon’s birthday is coming up, today is St. Patrick’s Day, one of Mary’s “special” days, being very Irish.  So, it’s a bit of a bad week coming for me.  So, we need some laughs my friends…real bad.

 

Luke Skywalker was in a Chinese Restaurant having trouble eating with chop sticks until he heard a voice saying, “Use the forks, Luke.”

I like that part of America where if you put mayonnaise on potatoes it becomes a salad.

I agree sex is great, but have you ever tried grocery shopping without kids?

Just an example of some of the wall art in the offices of Dragon Laffs, Inc.

A man asked me for a dollar.  I told him I only carry big bills.  He said give me one of those.  I gave him my electric bill.

More proof that the young of today won’t survive.

Things I hated as a child: Getting spanked and naps. 

Things I love as an adult: Getting spanked and naps.

Fuel:  $4.15 per gallon

Full Tank:  $140.00

Drive off from gas station without paying:  Court date 6 weeks later and $80.00 fine.

Savings:  $60.00

Subscribe for more money saving tips!

Record keeping of trespassers

You kids today with you legal weed…

Back in my day, we had to walk a mile uphill in the snow to meet a sketchy guy in an alley. 

We paid what he asked, and we smoked what he had, and WE LIKED IT.

THAT IS AWESOME!!

Turn A Blind Eye

Meaning:  To ignore situations, facts, or reality

Origin:  The British Naval hero, Admiral Horatio Nelson, had one blind eye.  Once when the British forces signaled for him to stop attacking a fleet of Danish ships, he held up a telescope to his blind eye and said, “I do not see the signal.”  He attacked, nevertheless, and was victorious.

Caught Red-Handed

Meaning:  To be caught in the act of doing something wrong

Origin:  This originates from an old English law that ordered any person to be punished for butchering an animal that wasn’t his own.  The only way the person could be convicted is if he was caught with the animal’s blood still on his hands.

Go The Whole Nine Yards

Meaning:  To try your best at something

Origin:  During World War II, the fighter pilots were equipped with nine yards of ammunition.  When they ran out, it meant that they had tried their best at fighting off the target with the entirety of their ammunition.

Let One’s Hair Down

Meaning:  To relax or be at ease

Origin:  In public, the aristocratic women of medieval times were obliged to appear in elegant hair-dos that were usually pulled up.  The only time they would “let their hair down” was when they came home and relaxed.

Cook The Books

Etymology:  From the mid-17th century.  A metaphor based on cooking, whereby ingredients are changed, altered and improved.  Thus financial statements can also be so modified to the benefit of the “cook”.

It’s about the journey, not about the destination.  No matter what you’re working for, take a few moments to appreciate the present.  You’ve traveled a long way to get here.  That’s worth celebrating.  

Shapiro sits down next to Rabinowitz on the subway.  Shapiro reaches into his wallet and pulls out a photo. 

“That’s my wife,” he says.  “Gorgeous, isn’t she? 

Rabinowitz shrugs.  “If you think she’s pretty, you ought to see my wife.” 

“Why, is she gorgeous too?” 

“No, she’s an optometrist.”

Grammar, the main difference between knowing “your shit” and knowing “you’re shit”.

Forgive and Forget? 

I’m neither Jesus nor do I have Alzheimer’s.

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes. ~Sigmund Freud 

And that’s it for today my friends.  I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did.  May your days be filled with love and happiness.

It’s Monday morning!  Did you remember to set your clocks ahead?  Because it’s that time again.

Fall behind, Spring ahead and it’s Spring time, so we go ahead.  One hour ahead.  At one a.m. in the morning Sunday morning, you should have woken up, ran around your house and set all of your clocks ahead to two a.m. and then gone back to bed.

Or I suppose you could have just reset your clocks before you went to bed or after you got up…that would have worked too, I guess.

Anyway, I suppose we could go ahead and start laughing…since we’re already an hour behind.

An old black and white photo of me and an old girl friend

I stepped into an elevator today and a very large breasted woman stepped in with me. 

As I was staring at her because I couldn’t help it, she says would you press one please, so I did. 

I really don’t remember much after that.

“Um…here, YOU take the rock.”

That’s an awesome vent cover.  That is JUST a vent cover, right?

I told my wife I saw a deer on the way to work. 

She said how do you know he was headed to work?

The guy at the furniture store told me the sofa would seat 5 people without any problems. 

Then it occurred to me, I don’t think I know 5 people without any problems.

Once upon a time there was a king who was only 12 inches tall.  He was a terrible king, but he was a great ruler.

Johnny and Ruth are biking down a hill. 

Ruth hits a tree.  Johnny decides to continue on. 

Ruthlessly.

We all know that Albert Einstein was a genius…

…but his brother Frank was a monster.

I had my patience tested. 

I’m negative.

This next one is from our buddy Sasquatch who says, “This makes as much sense as anything I’ve heard.”

Some more really interesting words by Buddy Brown sent in by Sasquatch

An old man meets a young man who asks: “Do you remember me?”

And the old man says no.

Then the young man tells him he was his student, And the teacher asks: “What do you do, what do you do in life?”

The young man answers: “Well, I became a teacher.”

“Ah, how good, like me?” Asks the old man.

“Well, yes. In fact, I became a teacher because you inspired me to be like you.”

The old man, curious, asks the young man at what time he decided to become a teacher. And the young man tells him the following story: “One day, a friend of mine, also a student, came in with a nice new watch, and I decided I wanted it.  I stole it, I took it out of his pocket.  Shortly after, my friend noticed that his watch was missing and immediately complained to our teacher, who was you.

Then you addressed the class saying, ‘This student’s watch was stolen during classes today. Whoever stole it, please return it.’

I didn’t give it back because I didn’t want to.

You closed the door and told us all to stand up and form a circle.  You were going to search our pockets one by one until the watch was found.  However, you told us to close our eyes, because you would only look for his watch if we all had our eyes closed.

We did as instructed.

You went from pocket to pocket, and when you went through my pocket, you found the watch and took it. You kept searching everyone’s pockets, and when you were done you said ‘open your eyes. We have the watch.’

You didn’t tell on me and you never mentioned the episode. You never said who stole the watch either. That day you saved my dignity forever. It was the most shameful day of my life.

But this is also the day I decided not to become a thief, a bad person, etc. You never said anything, nor did you even scold me or take me aside to give me a moral lesson.

I received your message clearly.  Thanks to you, I understood what a real educator needs to do.

Do you remember this episode, professor?

The old professor answered, ‘Yes, I remember the situation with the stolen watch, which I was looking for in everyone’s pocket. I didn’t remember you, because I also closed my eyes while looking.’

This is the essence of teaching:

If to correct you must humiliate; you don’t know how to teach “

Russia has already been cut off from CNN, Pornhub, and Facebook.  The US is now working on depriving Russians of MacDonald’s and CocaCola.  If they keep going with these sanctions, Russians will soon be among the healthiest, well adjusted and best informed people on the planet.

I think I’m starting to lose my mind. 

But, as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be okay.

That’s it for today guys.  Happy Day Light Savings Time.  Happy Monday.  May your days be filled with Love and Happiness.

It’s Saturday.  Well, truth be told, it’s Saturday for you guys, for me it’s now Wednesday.  I’m working a little ahead of time so as not to get behind.  Tomorrow’s issue is in the chute and ready to go, so I’m quite a bit ahead.  

This is Issue #2000!  What a milestone!  And you guys have shared this with me!  I’m astounded!  Never thought we’d make it this far!  Thank you so much for all you’ve done to make it with me.  Love you guys!  Now, let’s make it a GREAT issue!

Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job.

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck…

according to Facebook fact-checkers, it is, in fact, a squirrel.

“I am the master of all I survey!”

“Dude, get the fuck off my house!”

“Oh!  So, sorry.  My mistake.”

I turned my back for a second and old age crept up on me faster than a pair of old underwear.

One of the better parts of being a dragon.

Waiter:  How do you like your steak, sir?  

Sir:  Like winning an argument with my wife.  

Waiter:  Rare it is!

I just want to feel wanted by someone other than Bill Collectors.

“Butterflies! Fucking butterflies!  I hate these fucking butterflies!”

Things Water is Supposed to Give Me:
-Clear Skin
-Weight Loss
-Headache Relief
-Reduced Anxiety
-More Energy
-Better Memory
What I Get:
-Pee

Q:  What do you get when you cross a lake with a leaky boat?  

A:  About half way.

There are people out there training for marathons…

and here I am, on the couch, trying to lasso the remote with my phone charger.

This next one is from John S.  And John, I have to thank you for a wonderful laugh.  The response from the Landowners obviously proves they’ve had dealings with the Department of Fish and Wildlife in the past.

The Department of Fish and Wildlife sends a letter to a home/landowner asking for permission to access a creek on his property to document the decline in a certain species of unheard of frogs.

The property owners’ response in the second letter is EPIC.

Letter from Dept. Of Fish & Wildlife:

Dear Landowner:

Staff will be conducting surveys for foothill yellow-legged frogs & other amphibians over the next few months. As part of this research we would like to survey the creek on your property. I am writing this letter to request your permission to access your property.

Recent research indicates that foothill yellow-legged frogs have declined significantly in recent years and are no longer found at half their historic sites. Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated and will help contribute to the conservation of this important species.

Please fill out the attached postage-paid postcard and let us know if you are willing to let us cross your property or not.

If you have any concerns about this project please give us a call. We would love to talk with you about our research.

Sincerely:

Conservation Strategy Implementation Biologist

***************************** ******************************

****************************** *****************************

RESPONSE FROM LANDOWNERS:

Dear Mr. :

Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this matter.

We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the “Frog Survey License” ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident). You will also need to obtain a “Frog Habitat” parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle).

You will also need an “Invasive Species” stamp ($15.00 for the first vehicle and $5.00 for each add’l vehicle) You will also want to register at the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for Non-native plant life prior to entering our property. There is also a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.

If you are successful in the Draw you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your “Creek Habitat” stamp. ($18.00 Resident / $140.00 Non-Resident).

Survey units open between 8 am. And 3 PM. But you cannot commence survey until 9 am. And must cease all survey activity by 1 PM.

Survey Gear can only include a net with a 2″ diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18 in handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6′ from net frame to bottom of net. Handles can only be made of BPA-free plastics or wooden handles.

After 1 PM. You can use a net with a 3″ diameter if you purchase the “Frog Net Endorsement” ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident).

Any frogs captured that are released will need to be released with an approved release device back into the environment unharmed.

As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our “Premium Survey” units and application is again only $8.00 per application.

However, all fees can be waived if you can verify “Native Indian Tribal rights and status”.

You will also need to provide evidence of successful completion of “Frog Surveys and Your” comprehensive course on frog identification, safe handling practices, and self-defense strategies for frog attacks.

This course is offered on-line through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.

Please let us know if we can be of assistance to you. Otherwise, we decline your access to our property but appreciate your inquiry.

Sincerely,

Landowners

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train.” “Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.” “No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss.” “No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”. “Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any longer.–

I’m pretty fast for an old man.  I don’t know how fast wind is, but I’m told I pass it quite frequently!

Most people can’t tell if I’m being sincere or a smartass.  It’s kind of a gift.

Shopping with a girl is so confusing.  They go to buy a dress, look at makeup, and end up buying a Mcflurry?????

Pastor’s Business Card
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote “Revelation 3:20” on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, “Genesis 3:10.”
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.” Genesis 3:10 reads, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.”
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
They still are!  Pass it on.
“A cheerful heart is good medicine” (Prov. 17:22)

The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubt, while the stupid people are full of confidence. ~ Charles Bukowski

Remember in The Lion King when Scar cheated to win the title as King?  And the Pride Land was overrun with the hyenas? And all of the lions lost everything they had built and maintained their whole lives for? 

Just asking. 

No reason.

Sometimes I wonder if the beer thinks about me while I’m at work…

This one is from our dear friend Lynn and it’s called: 

Things that Drive Thinking People Crazy

Welcome to Year 3 of the Chinese Virus.  Here are some thoughts as we begin a new year under the Biden Build Back Broke Disintegration Plan:

 According to the American Petroleum Institute, we have enough oil in North America to fuel every single passenger car and long-haul truck for the next 430 years.  We have enough natural gas to provide electricity for every business and household for the next 535 years and enough coal to provide electricity for about 500 years.  So, don’t you think that in 430 years we will have developed alternative fuel sources?  Why then did Joe Biden sacrifice America’s energy independence, cease all exploration for oil and gas, abandon pipeline development and drive up prices of gasoline, heating oil, and jet fuel and make us once again dependent on foreign oil?

 Isn’t it curious that in some states like California, Washington, Illinois, and New York, shoplifting of items less than $950 is not a crime but the Biden Build Back Better Spendalooza calls for hiring 87,000 IRS agents to monitor individual banking transactions of $600 or more?  Fascinating.

 Someone needs to educate me as to how we are going to produce all the batteries needed to facilitate a transition away from fossil fuels to battery-driven vehicles when the basic ingredients for batteries are all found in rare minerals such as lithium, cobalt, and zinc and others, all of which must be mined in countries not exactly friendly to us.  Also, if you have ever driven on the Cross Bronx Expressway or the 405 in Southern California and were stuck in traffic, how exactly will the repair truck reach a disabled vehicle before their battery dies…along with the batteries of all the other vehicles in traffic?

 When will construction start to build the 500,000 battery charging stations Joe Biden told us about?  Where will they be situated? Won’t they be powered by burning fossil fuels?  

 If you ever feel like you haven’t accomplished anything, try to remember that it took 20 years, trillions of dollars and four Presidents to replace the Taliban in Afghanistan with………. the Taliban.

 If you feel your job is hard and you are unappreciated, think about the poor slob who serves as the sign language interpreter for Joe Biden.

 Let me try to understand this:  we can’t seem to find illegals to deport, but we can sure find them to give them money!  How does that work?

 If there was a barnyard election, the pigs would always vote for the person that feeds them and gives them treats, even though that same person is going to slaughter them someday.  That same philosophy is the very definition of socialism.

 Memo to Generation Z and the Woke Generation:  The Stars and Stripes that fly over our Nation’s Capital and are wrapped around the coffins of our honored dead who sacrificed their lives to keep us free, is my Flag.  I will never apologize for it.  The Flag does not stand for skin color, race, or religion.  It stands for freedom.  Never forget that!!
___________________________________________________
If you do not take an interest in the affairs of your government, then you are doomed to live under  the rule of fools.

Plato

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes. ~Sigmund Freud 

Every day I understand the phrase “I’m getting too old for this shit” on an even deeper level.

And that’s it for me today folks.  I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I did.  May your day be filled with your joy and happiness.

So yeah…I missed Monday.  It was a really long, really hard weekend.  My body feels like it’s been run over by a steamroller.

Yeah, I’m getting too old for this…although, according to my doctor, whom I saw this morning, I’m heathy as a friggin’ horse.

Blood pressure was about perfect, weight is down even more, I’ve now lost a total of  about 85 lbs.  She set me up with a whole gamut of blood tests, urine tests, and she’s sending me for physical therapy to try and help with my back pain.  STILL waiting to hear a date for my hip surgery.  I’m going to have to give them a call and jiggle their elbow I think. 

I’ve got the news on again, which I know is a mistake, but they are saying that Biden is going to announce a ban on Russian oil.  The average price of gas is $4.17 a gallon.  I filled up after my doctor’s appointment this morning.  Cost me $50!  For 3/4 of a tank of gas!  I paid $3.99 a gallon.  And we here in northern Indiana are normally a bit cheaper than the rest of the country.  They were showing signs from places like Los Angeles where it was over $5.00 a gallon.  But you know what?  YOU KNOW WHAT!  It’s worth it to stop buying fucking Russian oil!!  But you also know what???  We can drop that price right back down again, but drilling in our own damn country like we SHOULD BE DOING!!!!! 

And Harris is on TV telling us with a great big shit eating grin on her face, that “we are in the midst of a turning point.  We have the technology to transition to a zero emission fleet.”  Yeah…a couple of problems with that, not the least of which is that Afghanistan is the leading place to get the minerals you need for the batteries for your stupid electric vehicles and you just gave that country to China!  Oh wait!  That’s right…the Bidens all work for China.  I’m sorry.  I forgot that part. 

Alright, let’s get a couple of laughs in before Biden tells us how we’re going to get on without Russian oil.  We’re probably going to release another couple of hundred thousand barrels of strategic reserves or something stupid like that.

Now there’s a mom thinking outside the box.

Why are companies putting the lids on so tight now that I’m older?

Some of the amusement rides that we have at Dragon Laffs, Inc. are the envy of the likes of Disney World and Six Flags!

You know…there’s probably a logical explanation for this…but for the life of me, I can’t figure out what in the hell it might be.

The Year is 1922 
Very interesting for all ages.

The year is 1922,”One hundred years ago.”  What a difference a century makes!

Here are some statistics for Year 1922:
 
The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.

Fuel for cars was sold in drug stores only.

Only 14 percent of homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of homes had a telephone.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average US wage in 1922 was 22 cents per hour.

The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year.

A dentist earned $2,500 per year.

A veterinarian between $1,500 and 4,000 per year.

And, a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at home

Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND in the government as “substandard.”

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women washed their hair once a month and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed law prohibiting poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

The Five leading causes of death were:

1 Pneumonia and influenza

2 Tuberculosis

3 Diarrhea

4 Heart disease

5 Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars …

The population of Las Vegas , Nevada was only 30.

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet.

There was neither a Mother’s Day nor Father’s Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn’t read or write And, only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were available over the counter at local drugstores. Back then pharmacists said: “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach, bowels, and is a perfect guardian of health!” (Shocking?)

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help…

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.

I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself. From there, it will be sent to others all over WORLD all in a matter of seconds! It is impossible to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
 
Never mind 100 years…….just 5 more years

If a man speaks in the forest, but there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

So I got sucked down a YouTube rabbit hole and this is what I found.  Made me laugh really hard, so I thought it would make you guys laugh, too.  31 years ago…

Ain’t that the truth!

I can’t wait for the sunrises to come back…

One of the more tame rides…

Think you are having a bad day? 

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire.   The deceased male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. 

A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.   Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. 

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest.   The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets.   Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. 

You guessed it.   One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. 

Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed. But keep reading….

Still think you‘re having a bad day? 

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen.   While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear.  The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors. 

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door.   She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband. 

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside.   She also quickly blotted up the spilled petrol with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet. 

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.   He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business.   About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs. 

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming.   Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance..   The same paramedic crew was dispatched. 

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself.   She told them.   They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out.   He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still having a bad day ?

Just remember, it could be worse.. 

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.   At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.   A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Little cousin Eddie has a really crappy job.

Still think you are having a bad day ? 

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.   Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.   Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you‘re having a bad day ? 

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany.   Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.   The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.

What ?!   STILL having a bad day ?? 

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb.    It came back with ‘return to sender’ stamped on it.   Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling  better?

I bet the people who voted for Biden are turning over in their graves.

The doctor said if I have the vasectomy, I wouldn’t have any kids…so I had the operation.  I got home…they’re still fucking here!

When you absolutely, positively hate your neighbors

You know you’re old when you now clean to the music you used to drink to.

When they said, “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

Pretty bad time to be a disastrously bad real estate developer with hundreds of millions in debt coming due and your primary source of laundered money currently banned from world banks.

The distance between dreams and reality is called Action.

Dad is obsessive compulsive about his vinyl and owns every single Beatles record except for one…

I think he needs Help.

The problem is not that people are uneducated.  The problem is that they are educated just enough to believe what they’ve been taught, and not educated enough to question what they’ve been taught.

And that my friends is that.  Love and happiness to you all.