It’s Monday Morning. I hope you all had a great weekend. Since I’m starting this on Friday, I’m not really sure what kind of weekend I’ve had, although I will say that I’m planning on it being a busy one. Saturday I have a family meeting. Not my family, but Mary’s family. I told them that I don’t have a dog in this fight, but they insist that I be there…so we’ll see tomorrow.
In the mean time, I think I want to laugh for a while.
I don’t want to get mad at anything.
I don’t want to get upset with or at anything.
I don’t want to have any bad memories or anything else right now.
Let’s just laugh for a while… okay?
Well…babies don’t taste like adults, so…
A park ranger in the Everglades was making his rounds a couple of summers ago when a woman came bolting out of the weeds right in front of his truck. She seemed frantic and he finally got her calm enough to say that her five year old son was sitting on the back of an alligator.
Now the ranger was frantic. Running in the direction she was pointing he found the lad astride a twelve foot male alligator which was trying to relieve itself of its load by twisting and snapping.
As the brave ranger moved in he tried to console the mother by saying, “I think I can grab the boy and move away before the gator moves, but be ready to grab your son. I may have to shoot the gator.”
To which the lady replies “Good Heavens, no. I just wanted you to make him hold still for a minute so I could take my son’s picture on his back.”
*Overheard conversation between 2nd grade boys*
“Do you think you’ll ever fall in love?”
“I don’t know. I think if she likes pancakes, then probably.”
TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS………
#1 Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 You don’t need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.
#4 Your people skills are just fine. It’s your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.”
#6 “On time” is when you get there.
#7 Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound..
#8 It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
#9 Lately, you’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn’t shut you up.
#12 You still haven’t learned to act your age and hope you never will..
. . . And one more:
- “One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.
Stop copying me!
A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet.
Finally the husband asked what was wrong.
“Nothing,” said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. “Seriously, what’s wrong?”
“Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t even tell me so much as “Thank you.”
“Why should I?” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father’s Day gift.”
“Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.”
A hillbilly was on trial for making moonshine whiskey.
A young neighbor of his was being grilled by the prosecutor.
“Did you ever get any whiskey from him?” asked the prosecutor.
“No, sir!”, said the neighbor.
“Did you ever get any from his wife?”‘ he asked.
“No, sir,” said the neighbor.
“Did you ever get any from his daughter?” asked the prosecutor.
The young neighbour thought a minute and said “Your Honor, are we STILL talking about whiskey?”
An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.
The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!”
The man was a real smart Aleck and he said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and quick.”
Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.
The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do that for?”
The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”
Protecting the dock to the lower city.
I remember talking to Steve one time, I told him I was getting worried about my dreams. I told him how I keep waking up all sweaty and scared from bad dreams. I asked him if he thought I should get one of those books that could translate them for me. He told me dreams are just dreams and there’s nothing for me to worry about. ” Well I am still worried” I told him. I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, and they were all dancing in a row.” Steve says, “Now hold on, that doesn’t sound so terrible.
“Oh, yeah I said? I was the third girl from the end.”
Please tell me you get this one…
This is SO COOL. Thanks to Stephen B for sharing!
Here’s a comment from John M.
You should not feel lonely.
There are people who care about you.
However, it always reminds of the the preacher in the hospital and was given a get well card.
It was from the Deacons.
It said “Get well from the Board of Deacons by a vote of 15 to 8”.
Yes, I know it is bad.
Don’t forget that you brighten a lot of people’s day with this e-zine.
Thanks John, I appreciate that. I truly do.
So, I went to the family meeting today. Mary’s family, not mine. Well, it’s still my family just … well, you get the picture. Anyway, we were talking about a BUNCH of different things and stuff, but it was nice to see everyone again.
And it was hard at the same time.
Some of them cried.
But, we laughed too and that was cathartic. All in all it was a good day I guess. Left at 1030 and didn’t get home until at 1900. LONG DAY. Now I’m just waiting to pick Izzy up from work and then go to bed so I can get up and go to church tomorrow.
I need church tomorrow. Even though I am playing security tomorrow. Which means I will miss out on a part of the service, but it is worth it to help out and protect the church.
Anyway, back to the laughter.
Go ahead youngsters, tell me you weren’t even born in 1974! I was in High School! Mind you I was a Sophomore, but still!
I think you will notice a theme with this set of Motivational Posters
Let’s do another comment, this one from Tom H.
You’ve probably heard already that the story about the veterans being kicked out of the hotel in New York is false, a hoax. I was upset at it also, and even more that we were lied to about it. It does no good for the veterans’ situation to lie about it, and does more harm when the lie is exposed. I hope the ones who came up with this hoax are dragged through the fire, not just over the coals, and if possible forced to give up their positions with the advocacy group in whose name they acted.
Yes, I did hear that it was a hoax! And was going to bring it up in a Last Word, but since you brought it up here and you expressed your opinion about as exactly as I would have expressed it, let me just add this. Doing stupid stuff like this does NOT help the problem. It exacerbates it by clouding the issue with dumb-shittery that now needs to be untangled and explained, investigated and invariably blamed on the wrong people, thereby causing effort to be wasted on issues that we don’t have time for when there are important issues afoot! Our government is giving our country away! We are at war! We are being invaded at our southern border and our own government is welcoming the invaders with open arms, giving them OUR hard earned money, WITHOUT OUR PERMISSION!!!! And from questioning most of the people that I know, AGAINST OUR WISHES!
That should be the issue. Not this dumb-assedness that you people are making up.
Okay, I’m done.
Yeah, that picture deserves both of them!
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, “Nothing.”
The reason I said “nothing” instead of saying “just thinking” is because she then would have asked, “About what?”
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the groin, but how could they know? What sort of experience do they have?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Sit down, grab a beer and I’ll explain it to you.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t know from experience, I can deduce it and here is my reasoning:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”
But you will NEVER hear a guy say, a year down the road or at any other time, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap. This deductive logic is hard work.
I think we may have run this one (or something similar) before, but it’s interesting just the same. Thanks to Lynn for sharing this one with us.
Interesting! American moonshiners were in desperate need of avoiding cops during the Prohibition era (1920-1933), and thus, these heifer-heels were born. They’d use these puppies to look like cows when traipsing through fields or across other terrain that might leave footprints for the authorities to track.
These shoes bring a whole new perspective to “hoofin’ it.”
I’m going along with the editor WANTED it to read that way, because nobody would have missed that one accidently.
The idea that vengeance against evil makes you just as bad as the evil you’re taking arms against feels very much like something the bad guys would make up and spread across popular culture to make sure we don’t shove their head in a guillotine, just saying…
Rules for good English grammar:
2. Check to see if you any words out.
3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, don’t use participles.
6. Don’t use no double negatives.
7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
8. Just between You and i, case is important.
9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
10. Don’t use commas, that aren’t necessary.
11. Its important to use apostrophe’s right.
12. It’s better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.
14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should.
15. begin with a capital and end with a period
17. In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas
18. to keep a string of items apart.
19. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.
20. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
21. Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
22. A writer mustn’t shift your point of view.
23. Don’t write a run-on sentence you’ve got to punctuate it.
24. A preposition isn’t a good thing to end a sentence with.
25. Avoid clichés like the plague.
a day ago