So, it’s Thursday and I’m starting this on Sunday, just to get this going.  I want to get some more laughter going.  I want to laugh.  It’s been a tough week and it hasn’t even started yet.  So, let’s laugh first and talk later, shall we?

Smart cars, smart TVs, smart phones…

When will they start making smart people?

When you’re at the checkout line and they ask you if you found everything, say, “Why, are you hiding stuff?”

Mind Games Dogs Play With Their Humans

After your humans give you a bath, DON’T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your humans’ bedtime.

Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they’re talking about.

Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go ‘potty’, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go potty will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

Make your own rules. Don’t always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don’t greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you.

When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning potty. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Another one of the “drawings” done by the kids sent to me.  What they thought dinner time looks like for me.  Definitely not the right idea at all.

While sports fishing off Melbourne Beach, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any ‘gators around here?!”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

“Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,

“How’d you get rid of the ‘gators?”

“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beach bum said. “The sharks got ’em.”

The waitress was tired of this one man always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan. 

“I’ll tell you what, Lover. I’ll have sex with you on two conditions. First, it’ll cost you 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash.” 

He smiled, handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball machine. 

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

“Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill-repute, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her,and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman’s husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Keith.”

Balancing herself on a globe of air, the Witch of the North prepares her spell…

Questions asked on TV and Radio Shows in England

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE(BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for ‘cherrypickers’ and ‘cheesemongers’?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point.
Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don’t know.
White: I’ll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you’re not weak, you’re…?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct – and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don’t know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK(BBC2)
Anne Robinson: – Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: – Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruthfrom Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi’s first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant : I don’t know, I wasn’t watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The…?
Caller: Mohicans.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What’s 11 squared?
Contestant: I don’t know.
Phil: I’ll give you a clue. It’s two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . …
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM P HONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I’m sorry, I don’t know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world’s largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM ( PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O’BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O’Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER-ER … Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle : I did say which European country, so in case you didn’t hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er …. Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM’S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It’s a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What ‘K’ could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:Er. .. .
Wood: It’s got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW(BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That’s close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus

Jim can’t get an erection so he goes to the doctor. 

The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there’s nothing he can do unless he’s willing to try an experimental surgery. 

Jim asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant’s trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. 

Jim says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok. 

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Jim the go ahead to “try out his new equipment”. 
Jim takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner starts Jim starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. 

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants. 

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, “That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?” 

With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Jim says, Probably, but I don’t know if I can fit another apple up my ass.” 

Today, I went to the bank and told them I identify as a millionaire, and that I’d like to withdraw my money.

They laughed and asked me to leave.

Turns out — just because you believe something in your brain, doesn’t make it true, and you can’t force others to pretend it is.

Way cool!

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.

I DON’T HAVE TIME

IS THE GROWN UP VERSION OF THE DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK

Some of you are probably too young to remember this, but thanks to Joe from NJ for pointing this out…

Remember Mad Magazine? Al Jaffee, the creator of it, died last month at 102 years old.

Rest in peace dear friend.  I spent much of my youth in your magazine.

This should tell us something, but sadly, it won’t.

The founder of match.com, Gary Kremen, lost his girlfriend to a guy she met on match.com.

Two Irish men looking through a catalog.

Paddy says, “Look at those gorgeous women!  The prices are reasonable, too.”

Mick agrees!  “I am ordering one of them right now.”

Three weeks later, Paddy says, “Has your woman turned up yet?”

“No,” said Mick.  “But it shouldn’t be long now.  Her clothes arrived yesterday.”

I’m at the airport and there[s a woman completely passed out on the baggage carousel!  She’s slowly coming around now.

Clearly there’s some critical backstory to the phrase “when the shit hits the fan” that I’ve been missing out on, because that is way too specific of a phrase to not be based on a real event.

DANG!  I SEE IT!!!!

I signed up for a zoom workout class that was too advanced so when the instructor said, “Do a plank and bring your knee to the opposite elbow,” I did a modified version where I turned off my computer and made pancakes.

Nobody is more judgmental than Cajuns seeing what other people consider gumbo.

And that’s it my friends.