Okay, so I’m tired of watching the news, reading articles and getting pissed off at the stupid stuff our current administration is doing. This is going to become my new logo.
I’m so tired of the lying cheating bastards. And I’m tired of the two tiered sense of justice in this country. One for them and one for the rest of us.
But, we’re not going to get into that crap…at least not right now. Instead, we’re going to run a normal, regular, fight the BS issue. We’re going to do our very best to make you laugh and then, we’re going to do our very best to make you laugh some more. Then, we’ll give you a couple of seconds to catch your breath, then we’ll give you our very best shot at making you laugh some more…are you sensing a pattern here? I certainly hope so. So, let’s jump right in and start right out and … well…
A MOTHER’S VOCABULARY!
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
POW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry clothes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
WEEKEND: When Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.
The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month’s outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing.
The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside.
After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions. Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him – he sauntered in.
“Sir,” she inquired, “Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?”
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: “Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’ em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ’em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse.”
Remember: Mother’s Day is for Moms, not men in dresses — your day is April 1st!
Team mates come in all shapes and sizes.
A blonde and a brunette go parachuting.
The blonde jumps first, pulls her parachute cord, and slowly drifts in the air and enjoys the view.
The brunette jumps after her and pulls her parachute cord, but nothing happens! She pulls it again, this time as hard as she can, but still nothing. She pulls the cord to the emergency chute, but that doesn’t open either. She passes by the blonde like a speeding bullet!
The blonde looks at her and says, while getting her parachute off her shoulders, “So, you want to race, do you?”
Comparing moms and dads
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What’s the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
I pretended to be asleep and then I feel asleep.
Now I’m going to pretend I’m skinny…then that I’m rich.
Okay, I got nothing, other than it is awesome art
Yes, but two teaspoons of powdered knowledge stirred into your milk in the morning is enough for most people for the whole day!
I remember talking to Steve one time, I told him I was getting worried about my dreams. I told him how I keep waking up all sweaty and scared from bad dreams. I asked him if he thought I should get one of those books that could translate them for me. He told me dreams are just dreams and there’s nothing for me to worry about. ” Well I am still worried” I told him. I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, and they were all dancing in a row.” Steve says, “Now hold on, that doesn’t sound so terrible.
“Oh, yeah I said? I was the third girl from the end.”
And yet it still doesn’t work out for me most days…
I just keep picturing me getting this text and Mary giving that exact same response and I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. It’s perfect…just absolutely perfect!
I have learned this truth, this exact same way.
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. “I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is “having company for dinner.” As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what’s going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to wonder, “Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?” Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is it raisin for you too then?” No,” stammers the older man, “but it’s quivering a little.
“Each one of us is a mixture of good qualities and some perhaps not so good qualities. In considering our fellow man, we should remember his good qualities and realize that his faults only prove that he is, after all, a human being. We should refrain from making harsh judgments of a person just because he happens to be a dirty, rotten, no-good son-of-a-bitch.”
Wow! That’s saying something…cause…you know that people are mammals, right?
Next, we haven’t done any of these in a LONG time, so…
Let’s start with this one from Leah D:
OK, the Cow, the Man and the train . . .which one was urinating on the tracks?
Good question…odds are it was one of them…let’s do this logically. It wasn’t the train peeing on the track, that’s just silly. Now, since it was the man hit by the cow, the cow must’ve been flying through the air. Now, since cows don’t normally fly except in nursery rhymes, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say the cow got hit by the train (thereby being the one peeing on the tracks) flew through the air, hit the man, killing him, and there we have the answer to your question.
Thanks.
Some really goods one on this issue (I am reading this Sunday).
The one with the little girl and the big horse reminds me of my daughter.
She was, and is a horse nut. She started at 2 or younger and is still doing it and it has been several years since she graduated college.
If you want to know if it is expensive, I saw a meme that showed a 6 to 10 year old girl, with her equipment (don’t remember if the horse was shown) and it said “Bankruptcy Starter Kit”. Link to Google finds: https://www.google.com/search?q=bankruptcy+starter+kit+meme&rlz=1C1CHBD_enUS922US922&oq=bankruptcy+starter+kit+meme&aqs=chrome..69i57.18903j0j1&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8
And they are not kidding about the cost.
However, I found out that girls that are crazy about horses usually don’t get interested in boys until they are late high school or college age. It was true. It was worth it.
Horses also teach the girl how to be self-reliant and to take care of themselves.
The other part is that “dad” gets to help with hauling the hay, hauling the horse, being at horse shows, etc.
I also liked your “military sayings”. I have seen them before, liked them then, like them now and thought about how true they were.
Other things I don’t agree with you on, but reminds me of a saying I heard/read long ago: Why can’t people be about their opinions like they are there dogs? If I visit you, I can play with your dog, admire your dog, tell you how smart he is, but you don’t expect me to take him home with me.
John, we’ve had this conversation before. We disagree about a couple of things and agree about a couple of things. Don’t we call that life? Being friends? Adulting? I’ll take “D. All of the above”. I enjoy hearing from you because you always have interesting things to say and offer and agree or not, I can invariably see your point. Cheers!
I have never been a political person, but I have always been appalled over the treatment our veterans have received in this country!!! These men put their lives on the line without concern for politics or ideology to protect our freedoms. Yet, they’re treated like lepers or criminals. I am also disgusted with the clown shows that call themselves political parties these days!!!!!
Thank you Sammye. Your views are aligned with mine.
Agree with you completely about the veterans.
And what are illegal immigrants doing in New York City that far from the border?
Why aren’t they in camps along the border so we know where they are?
I say put them in dormitory style rooms like I had in college. A room with 2 beds, make it 2 bunkbeds, a bathroom with 2 sinks, a shower and a toilet, and another room on the other side. And a cafeteria like I had. And working like I did.
Inspection every Tuesday at 1:00 p.m. and if it isn’t taken care of, a flight/bus back to the border and across it to the far side. With a a tattoo or other mark (like the one on the back of the hand for clubs) that lasts for 5 years. Then they can scream about “the mark of the beast”. If you have Revelations, you know what I mean. If you haven’t, get someone to explain it to you.
And no hotels for illegals.
In fact, ship them to an old military base that is being closed down/or lessened and put them in old military barracks.
The barracks are as nice or nicer than what I had in college.
Send a few MP to make sure we have peace and quiet.
I think we can do it if it is on a military reservation. No “posse comitatus”.
Again, either you know what that means or get someone to explain it.
If you are veteran, you know what it means and does.
I guess it looks like I am more upset than you are, which doesn’t seem possible.
Great ideas all the way around. I think I’ve already talked about converting old military bases to homes for homeless vets. When pushed up the chain of command, the powers-that-be didn’t take to that idea, maybe they’d like the idea for illegals. They seem to like to take care of them more than vets. All good ideas on your part, John, but more upset than me? Let’s call it a draw, ’cause I’m still mad enough to burn down the beltway!
And finally, our resident Nurse Marsha has this to say about the toy doctor’s set…
The doctors toy has the gun and ducks and pins to show that doctors need hobbies too. Or maybe city doctor that has to walk to car at night….world is changing.
The world is definitely changing dear friend.
Life is so unfair. I lost my car keys at the park and never found them. I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them. I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them. I lost three pounds on a diet — I found them and ten more!
Hang this next one from your rearview mirror…
Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.
Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don’t bounce back. It’s more like splat!
Midlife brings the wisdom that “life throws you curves” and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones.
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, “For this I have stretch marks?”
You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the “big” questions: what is life, why am I here, and how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice.
Shouldn’t that be a perk of the job?
Here’s an oldie but goodie from “Friggin’ Pete”
Tesla is truly smart technology!!
I bought a new Tesla!! It’ll run on an electrical charge. Had to go back to the dealer yesterday because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated. “Nelson,” the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?”
“Willie” he continued and “On The Road Again” flowed from the speakers. Then he said, “Ray Charles”, and in an instant “Georgia On My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away so happy and for the next few days every time I’d say, “Beethoven” I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said, “Beatles” I’d get one of their awesome songs.
Well, yesterday, this woman ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new Tesla, but luckily, I swerved in time to avoid her. I yelled at her, “Crazy Bitch”!
The radio replied, “Hillary, Maxine, Kamala, Warren, AOC, or Pelosi?”
God, I love this car!
And then there’s this GREAT one from Wouter …
Gunfight Rules when the SHTF…
“Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.”
In a gunfight, the most important rule is … HAVE A GUN!
The following are shooting tips from various Concealed Carry Instructors. If you own a gun, you will appreciate these rules… If not, you should get one, learn how to use it, and learn the rules.
RULES
A.) Guns have only two enemies: Rust and Politicians. Rust can be prevented, Politicians cannot.
B.) It’s always better to be judged by 12 than carried out by 6.
C.) Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you
D.) Never let someone or something that threatens you get within 7 yards.
E.) Never say “I’ve got a gun.” If you need to use deadly force, the first sound they should hear is the safety clicking off, or the hammer cocking.
F.) The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes ….when only seconds count; the response time of a .357 is 1,400 feet per second.
G.) The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always Win – there is no such thing as a fair fight. Always Win – cheat if necessary. Always Win – 2nd place doesn’t count.
H.) Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets … you may get killed with your own gun, but they’ll have to beat you to death with it because it will be empty.
I.) If you’re in a gun fight:
(a) If you’re not shooting, you should be reloading.
(b) If you’re not reloading, you should be moving.
(c) If you’re not moving, you’re dead.
J.) In a life and death situation, do something … it may be wrong, but do something!
K.) If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. Nonsense! If you have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?
L.) Never fire a warning shot, that is just one wasted bullet, which could be needed within moments.
M.) You can say “stop” or any other word, but a large bore muzzle pointed at someone’s head is pretty much a universal language; and, you won’t have to press 1 for Spanish/Mexican, or 2 for Chinese, or 3 for Arabic.
N.) Never leave a wounded enemy behind. If you have to shoot, shoot to kill. In court, yours will be the only testimony.
O.) You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your family.
A member of our church choir arrives every Sunday morning with her seven children in tow, all a bit rumpled but never the less on time.
Scarcely able to get my one child ready, I asked her how she managed her brood so efficiently,
“Easy,” she replied with a smile. “I dress them the night before!”
A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, “Hi, Daddy!” and she began telling him about her day. She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.
When it was finally the wife’s turn to talk she took the receiver and said, “Hi, hon.”
“Thank God, lady,” the voice on the other end replied. “I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!”
Many of us take better care of our cars then we do our mothers and yet we only expect our cars to last 5 or 6 years but we expect our mothers to last for a lifetime.
Maybe we need a maintenance manual for mothers so we would know how to take care of them at least as well as we do our automobiles.
Here are some items that might be included in such a manual.
Engine:
A mother’s engine is one of the most dependable kinds you can find.
She can reach top speed from a prone position at a single cry from a sleeping child. But regular breaks are needed to keep up that peak performance. Mothers need a hot bath and a nap every 100 miles, a baby-sitter and a night out every 1,000 miles, and a live-in baby-sitter with a one week vacation every 10,000 miles.
Battery:
Mother’s batteries should be recharged regularly. Handmade items, notes, unexpected hugs and kisses, and frequent “I love you’s” will do very well for a recharge.
Carburetor:
When a mother’s carburetor floods it should be treated immediately with Kleenex and a soft shoulder.
Brakes:
See that she uses her brakes to slow down often and come to a full stop occasionally. (A squeaking sound indicates a need for a rest).
Fuel:
Most mothers can run indefinitely on coffee, leftovers and salads, but an occasional dinner for two at a nice restaurant will really add to her efficiency.
Chassis:
Mothers run best when their bodies are properly maintained. Regular exercise should be encouraged and provided for as necessary. A change in hairdo or makeup in spring and fall are also helpful.
If you notice the chassis begins to sag, immediately start a program of walking, jogging, swimming, or bike riding. These are most effective when done with fathers.
Tune-ups:
Mother need regular tune-ups. Compliments are both the cheapest and most effective way to keep a mother purring contentedly.
Oh yes, and let’s not forget to speak to mother lovingly and respectfully, especially when she reminds you to drive carefully and have a good time.
If these instructions are followed consistently, this fantastic creation and gift from God, whom we call “MOTHER”, should last a lifetime and give good service and constant love to those who need her most.
Parents always make ridiculous predictions about their kids.
The day my little girl was born, a friend of mine called me. His little boy was born the day before, and he said, “Who knows? Maybe they’ll end up getting married.”
I said, “Are you nuts!? My little girl is just one day old! Your son is 2 days old!”
“So?” he asked.
“Well, she’s certainly not going to marry someone twice her age!” I replied.
A skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question.
If our chute doesn’t open and the reserve doesn’t open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?
The jump instructor answered, The rest of your life.
Mrs. James answered the front doorbell one day to find her dear friend, Mrs. Avery, standing outside with a huge, mangy, panting dog.
Delighted by the unexpected visit, Mrs. James bade her friend inside.
The dog bounded ahead of them, knocked over a valuable vase while dashing for the cat, then jumped onto an antique sofa, and proceeded to take a nap.
He was still napping an hour later when Mrs. Avery rose to leave.
Mrs. James showed her to the door and waited for her to call the dog.
But her friend paid no attention whatsoever to the animal.
“Aren’t you going to take your dog with you?’ Mrs. James asked, a hint of impatience in her voice.
“Oh, that awful beast is not my pet! I thought he was yours!’ responded Mrs. Avery.”
Yeah, it’s like that. And that’s also a good place to quit for now. Until we meet again, may God Bless you all with Love and Happiness.
Dragon Laffs 
You’ve probably heard already that the story about the veterans being kicked out of the hotel in New York is false, a hoax. I was upset at it also, and even more that we were lied to about it. It does no good for the veterans’ situation to lie about it, and does more harm when the lie is exposed. I hope the ones who came up with this hoax are dragged through the fire, not just over the coals, and if possible forced to give up their positions with the advocacy group in whose name they acted.
You and me both brother!!!