It’s Thursday.  Well, it’s actually Sunday.  But, for you guys, reading this, it’s Thursday.  And no, you’re right, we DON’T have to go through this every time.  So, for the time being, until we get some things sent in from other people, why don’t we go ahead and start into the laughter portion of our flight.

That is definitely me!

Morty and Selma

Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country.

The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer asked, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?”

Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

Morty yelled, “He says you were speeding!”

The patrolman said, “May I see your license?”

Selma turned to her husband once again and asked, “What did he say?”

Morty yelled, “He wants to see your license!”

Selma gave the officer her license.

The patrolman then said, “I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I’ve ever met.”

Selma turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

Morty yells, “He said he thinks he knows you!”

Naval Conference

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference in London that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian, and French navies.

At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half a dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French Admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.

He then asked, “Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?”

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, “Maybe it’s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.”

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone?

Those were the days, right?

I MUST CREATE THIS ROUTINE!!!!!

Relaxing with my fellow townspeople. 

The Charm of Irish Pub Hospitality

Two Irishmen went into a pub in Dublin and asked for two pints of Guinness.  The barman, cleaning the tables said, “Sorry, we don’t open for another hour.”

One of the men asked, “Mind if we wait?”

“No,” said the Barman, “Would you like a pint while you’re waiting?”

Absolutely, the perfect analogy.   

I thought I broke my ankle last night when I tripped over a box of Kleenex, but the doctor said it’s only tissue damage.

When I was young, I was poor.  But after years of hard, honest and painstaking work, I’m no longer young.

Locked away from the same world that I live in.

Cashier:  That’ll be $19.94.

Me:  [pulls out $50 bill]

Cashier:  Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills.  Have anything smaller?

Me:  [pulls out $25 bill]

 

Put 100 women and 10 men on a desert island and in 100 years you would have a thriving community consisting of men, women, and children.  Put 100 sex reassignment surgery men and 10 women on a desert island and in 100 years you would have 110 skeletons.

I woke up this morning with a terrible hangover…to the sound of my neighbor mowing his lawn. 

I was going to get up.

Then I thought, “Nah, he can mow around me!”

Just went into the shop and said, “Can I pay by card?”

He said, “No problem, what card do you have?”

I said, “The six of spades…”

This is an oldie but goodie…

1998:
“Don’t get in a car with strangers.”

2008:
“Don’t meet people from the internet alone.”

2019:
UBER…
Order yourself a stranger from the internet to get into a car with alone.

NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS FOR:

PARTNER IN CRIME

MUST BE FLUENT IN SMART-ASS,
SARCASM, AND ADULT LANGUAGE.

QUESTIONABLE MORALS AND 
NUDITY MAY BE REQUIRED.

A mother had been teaching her three-year daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s prayer. 

For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer.

Finally, she decided to go solo. 

The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.”

I met Bob the other day for lunch and he looked a little out of it. I asked him what was wrong. 

He said, “I’ve had this funny feeling for a little while. Not funny “ha-ha”, but funny strange. 

It’s a surrealistically subconscious feeling that I was abducted by aliens and thoroughly probed. 

Then a friend of mine told me that a bunch of my friends got me really drunk and dropped me off at a gay bar. The bastards.” 

A boss was determined not to hire an Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn’t be able to answer the questions and he’d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. 

The first question was, ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9.’ 

So Murphy say’s, “Dat’s easy” and proceeds to draw three trees. 

The boss says, “What the hell’s that?” Murphy says, “Tree ‘n tree ‘n tree makes nine.” 

“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Second question, same rules, but represent 99.” 

Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. “Der ya go sir,” he says. 

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” 

Murphy says, “Each trees dirty now! So it’s dirty tree, ‘n dirty tree,’n dirty tree, dat’s 99” 

The boss is getting worried he’s’ going to have to hire Murphy, so he says “All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the Number 100.” 

Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, “Got it!” 

He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, “There ya go sir, 100.” 

The boss looks at Murphy’s attempt and thinks, “Ha! Got him this time.” “Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred!” 

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, “A little dog comes along and poos by each tree, so now you’ve got dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I start me job?” 

And here we are again, waiting for our dear friend Marsha to respond, it is her turn…and here we go:

Okay, so that answers the question about there being another type of ketchup other than tomato ketchup…thanks Dave!

And then we’ve got this one…

Yeah, if the government takes your land, you deserve to get paid.  If the government takes your great-great-grandfather’s land and nobody had ever done anything about it, you’re going to have a tough fight convincing me that my tax dollars need to pay you back when you didn’t lose anything.  I repeat my earlier statement.  There is nobody alive today who is or was a slave.  Nobody alive today deserves any sort of my money as a reparation.  And if that means that your kids are going to keep robbing liquor and jewelry stores, then they will get their punk butts thrown in prison where they belong.  And if they try to rob MY house, they won’t make it to prison, or even to court.

A Scotsman, an Italian and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, “Aye, tis a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Edinburgh, there’s a better one. 

At MacDougal’s, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!” 

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Italian says, “Yeah, datsa nice bar, but where I comma from, dere’s a better one. Inna Roma, dere’s dis place, Vincenzo’s. 

At Vincenzo’s, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink.” 

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, “And you think that’s great? Where Oi come from in Dublin, there’s this wee pub called Morphy’s. 

At Morphy’s, they boy you your forst drink, they boy you your second drink, they boy you your tird drink and then they take you in back and get you laid!”

“Wow!” say the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”

“No,” says the Irish guy, “The truth is it happen to me sister!”

Yes, it’s an old joke, but it’s still funny.

Another oldie, but goodie…

A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina.”
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
“You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
“How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”. The boss says “Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you’re not in the mountains anymore, son.”
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?”
The kid looks up at his boss and says “$101,237.65”.
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?”
The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”
The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?”
The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing

My daughter’s 5th-grade class had been studying astronomy.

One morning at breakfast she announced, “On Friday we’re having a quiz on the moon.”

That’s when her little brother piped up, saying, “Are you gonna let her go, Mom?”

And that’s it!  Sliding into home plate!  Another homer for the win!  Be well my little camper buddies.