It’s Thursday. Well, it’s actually Sunday. But, for you guys, reading this, it’s Thursday. And no, you’re right, we DON’T have to go through this every time. So, for the time being, until we get some things sent in from other people, why don’t we go ahead and start into the laughter portion of our flight.
That is definitely me!
Morty and Selma
Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer asked, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?”
Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
Morty yelled, “He says you were speeding!”
The patrolman said, “May I see your license?”
Selma turned to her husband once again and asked, “What did he say?”
Morty yelled, “He wants to see your license!”
Selma gave the officer her license.
The patrolman then said, “I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I’ve ever met.”
Selma turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
Morty yells, “He said he thinks he knows you!”
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference in London that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian, and French navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half a dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French Admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.
He then asked, “Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?”
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, “Maybe it’s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.”
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone?
Those were the days, right?
I MUST CREATE THIS ROUTINE!!!!!
Relaxing with my fellow townspeople.
The Charm of Irish Pub Hospitality
Two Irishmen went into a pub in Dublin and asked for two pints of Guinness. The barman, cleaning the tables said, “Sorry, we don’t open for another hour.”
One of the men asked, “Mind if we wait?”
“No,” said the Barman, “Would you like a pint while you’re waiting?”
Absolutely, the perfect analogy.
I thought I broke my ankle last night when I tripped over a box of Kleenex, but the doctor said it’s only tissue damage.
When I was young, I was poor. But after years of hard, honest and painstaking work, I’m no longer young.
Locked away from the same world that I live in.
Cashier: That’ll be $19.94.
Me: [pulls out $50 bill]
Cashier: Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?
Me: [pulls out $25 bill]
Put 100 women and 10 men on a desert island and in 100 years you would have a thriving community consisting of men, women, and children. Put 100 sex reassignment surgery men and 10 women on a desert island and in 100 years you would have 110 skeletons.
I woke up this morning with a terrible hangover…to the sound of my neighbor mowing his lawn.
I was going to get up.
Then I thought, “Nah, he can mow around me!”
Just went into the shop and said, “Can I pay by card?”
He said, “No problem, what card do you have?”
I said, “The six of spades…”
This is an oldie but goodie…
“Don’t get in a car with strangers.”
“Don’t meet people from the internet alone.”
Order yourself a stranger from the internet to get into a car with alone.
NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS FOR:
PARTNER IN CRIME
MUST BE FLUENT IN SMART-ASS,
SARCASM, AND ADULT LANGUAGE.
QUESTIONABLE MORALS AND
NUDITY MAY BE REQUIRED.
A mother had been teaching her three-year daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.”
I met Bob the other day for lunch and he looked a little out of it. I asked him what was wrong.
He said, “I’ve had this funny feeling for a little while. Not funny “ha-ha”, but funny strange.
It’s a surrealistically subconscious feeling that I was abducted by aliens and thoroughly probed.
Then a friend of mine told me that a bunch of my friends got me really drunk and dropped me off at a gay bar. The bastards.”
A boss was determined not to hire an Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn’t be able to answer the questions and he’d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9.’
So Murphy say’s, “Dat’s easy” and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, “What the hell’s that?” Murphy says, “Tree ‘n tree ‘n tree makes nine.”
“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Second question, same rules, but represent 99.”
Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. “Der ya go sir,” he says.
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
Murphy says, “Each trees dirty now! So it’s dirty tree, ‘n dirty tree,’n dirty tree, dat’s 99”
The boss is getting worried he’s’ going to have to hire Murphy, so he says “All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the Number 100.”
Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, “Got it!”
He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, “There ya go sir, 100.”
The boss looks at Murphy’s attempt and thinks, “Ha! Got him this time.” “Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred!”
Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, “A little dog comes along and poos by each tree, so now you’ve got dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I start me job?”
And here we are again, waiting for our dear friend Marsha to respond, it is her turn…and here we go:
You may give Jersey joe my direct email….some of the stuff that comes out of a Jersey mouth should not be heard or read…may cause damage to those easy offended…not the reason I want people to stay awake thinking of me…Back to work tomorrow, against my will…they hold my paycheck to my head and make me go…once I get there the kiddos always change my mind….the 1 tomorrow does not talk or walk but what a giggle….wish I could bottle it.
It was good to get this issue, I’ve had a bellyache all day. But I know once I get rid of all your bullshit, it will be gone!