Welcome to the Weekend!
Thank goodness it’s the weekend. Our world is falling apart. The Biden administration is EVIL. Now they are talking about punishing those of us with good credit by making us pay more for things like mortgage payments to make up for those of us with not so good credit so they don’t have to pay as much.
Equity.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME !?!?!
There are more well off Republicans who do the right thing and take care of their finances than there are Democrats. There are more Democrats with poor credit who have not taken care of their finances than the Republicans. So this is a way for the Democrats to take care of their own and punish the other side. At least in my opinion. (and by their logic, or so it seems).
Just another instance of these EVIL people who are supposed to be God fearing trustees of our welfare and instead, they take advantage of us for their own agenda and their own gain. It is just wrong!
Anyway, mini-rant over…
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, “Do you know what I use this for?”
The navigator replied timidly, “No, what’s it for?”
The pilot responded, “I use this on navigators who get me lost!”
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, “What’s that for?”
“To be honest sir,” the navigator replied, “I’ll know we’re lost before you will.”
I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a conference in New York for music teachers.
Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the security-check conveyor belt.
The guard’s eyes widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches.
Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area.
“A metronome,” I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment. “It’s a talking metronome,” I insisted. “Look, I’ll show you.”
I took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how it worked, “One… two… three… four,” it said.
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, “Aren’t you glad it didn’t go ‘four… three… two… one…’?”
Yes, this is the rent payment on the castle. That’s ALL that is!
What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.
This is called “Dragon’s Eye” and it’s been sent in by Joe from NJ:
Dragon’s Eye is a stunning location located on the border of Arizona and Utah, USA. Despite its exceptional natural beauty, this area is often overlooked and underrated by visitors. It is a part of the Vermilion Cliffs National Monument and is characterized by crumbled rock cliffs and exposed strata canyons that showcase the slow but steady effects of erosion from the Jurassic period.
One of the main attractions of Dragon’s Eye is the several small pools of water found in the White Pocket section of the Paria Plateau.
These pools are formed by groundwater slowly collecting over time, causing the surrounding sandstone to shred and crack into unique formations. The landscape of White Pocket is considered to be some of the most distinctive and unusual in North America due to its colourful striations, bending rock protrusions, and outreaches that resemble the surface of Mars…
Interestingly, this geological phenomenon was only discovered about a decade ago by National Geographic photographers who were exploring and photographing the Vermilion Cliffs area. Even geologists find it challenging to explain the origin of this unique landscape. The natural beauty of White Pocket is truly exceptional and should not be missed by those visiting the region.
Hung Chow calls in to work and says,
“Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work.”
The boss says,
“You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try.”
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again:
“Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”
“I got the music in me…”
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.
-Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
A woman walks into her boss’s office with this complaint:
“All the other women in the office are suing you for sexual harassment.
Since you haven’t sexually harassed me, I’m suing you for discrimination.
A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie’s house, and Grandpa Morris gets out.
The polite policeman explains that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.
“Oh, Morris,” says grandma, “you’ve been going to that park for 30 years! How could you get lost?”
Leaning close to grandma so that the policeman can’t hear, Morris whispers, “I wasn’t lost; I was just too tired to walk home.”
This is an old classic sent in by Joe from NJ:
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.”
But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish.
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message.
The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, “He said Get lost, Gringo dog, you don’t have the guts shoot me.'”
I have so many questions…but first, yes there is…
Um…no more questions, well…other than…WHY????
A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, “I’m sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live.”
“But Doctor,” Bill replied, “I feel great. I haven’t felt better in years. This just can’t be true. Isn’t there anything I can do?”
After a moment the doctor said, “Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day.”
Excitedly Bill asked, “And that will cure me?”
“No,” Replied the doctor, “but it will get you used to the dirt.”
Yeah, me too.
So much truth in one little picture.
What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?
They go forwards, backwards, forwards, and backwards, stop and eject!
Irish Slang
Banjaxed – Broken, can also mean tired or worn out
Bollox – The word is known primarily as Irish slang for testicles or balls. Spelled sometimes bollix or bollocks.
Feck/Feck off/Fecker – the Irish version of…you can probably work it out for yourself.
Teacher shortage, Police shortage, Boarder Agent shortage.
Let’s hire 87,000 IRS agents and fix everything!
Not going to be real popular for this statement: but undisciplined children grow up to be undisciplined and disrespectful adults. (Never mind, in the right circles, I’ll be very popular for that statement)
Principal: Hey, your child has been causing problems in school.
Me: My child causes problems at home, too. Do I ever call you?
Dear Twitter Employees: Just go find another job; like you told us to to!
Sincerely,
Keystone Pipeliners
Whatever happens, please don’t buy all the freaking toilet paper again.
I think that is a GREAT gag! Nicely done Babylon Bee
Another golden oldie…
A man left for work one Friday morning.
Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
“That would be fine with me”, he replied.
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Thursday; The swelling went down just enough to see her a little out the corner of his left eye.
The Genius of Steven Wright
1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
3 – Half the people you know are below average.
4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 – All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ….. But she left me before we met.
12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 – I intend to live forever … So far, so good.
20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
34 – If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
-Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
I know this is the part you guys have been waiting for. If you remember, Marsha came back with a real zinger, asking how long it was before Adam needed to be rescued by Eve and Joe has now sent in his reply…
Are we ready!?!?
Are we excited!?!?
Here we go!!!
Marsha, Marsha, Marsha,
All that cackling and no eggs!
…Joe in NJ
…
…
Um…
Yeah…what he said. (A little light there, brother…)
Okay, so the next one is back to Marsha! Woo Hoo! Let’s do this!!!
Let’s move over to a comment…from Leah…that I really don’t get…
Dragon Laffs #2167
It was good to get this issue, I’ve had a bellyache all day. But I know once I get rid of all your bullshit, it will be gone!
So…Leah…are you saying that Dragon Laffs is bullshit? I’m hurt. What are you saying here, Leah? I’m normally pretty good at decoding your emails and messages, but this one has got me stumped. I thought you liked us here at Dragon Laffs, Inc.
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.
Well, that’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine out and lost a finger.
The chef’s claim was approved.
These two ol’ boys in the Ozarks bought a new mule, but had trouble getting him in their barn. Every time they would get him to the door, his ears would brush the top of the doorway and he’d start kicking and go wild.
Finally, they decide the best way to solve the problem is to jack up the barn. So, they go out and get a half dozen jacks.
The two Ozarkians are scrambling from jack to jack to try to get the barn raised when this neighbor walks up. “Wot chall doin?” Big Bubba asks.
“We’s raisin thuh barn, yuh stoopid Ooozearkian ” Billy Bob says.
“Why you do dat?”
“Cause thuh mule’s ears keep touchin’ thuh doorway when we try to put him in iss-here barn and he goes haf-crazy wild,” Billy Bob says. “He kicked Ernest Wayne plumb in thuh haid twicet already.”
“Why come you don’ just dig de hole in de doorway? Dat way him got to go down when he get to de do’ an him ear don’t touch nutin.”
“Ya stoopid *%#^ Ernest Wayne chimes in. “It’s his ears at’s too long, not his laigs!”
A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says, “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”
She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!”
And that is it my dear friends. Until Monday. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. May you be blessed with Love and Happiness until we meet again.
Dragon Laffs 
Joe, maybe there is no egg cause I’m not the chicken in this match…
The meaning of BULLSHIT is nonsense; especially : foolish insolent talk
sarcasm
You are TOO right about discipline.
Which leads no manners.
Which leads to no respect (even for themselves).
Which leads to the problems we have today.
And not only in the cities, where it is more obvious and prevalent.
Also in rural areas.
And shown by people “rollin smoke” at Prius and other electric cars.
And a lot of today’s problems (just heard about the homeless encampments) can be traced back to Ronald Reagan’s policies. Before that, people with mental problems were better taken care of.
And, unfortunately, mental problems afflict a lot of our veterans. Look at the veteran suicide (also active duty) suicide rate.
I am reminded of a guy I knew. He was a veteran and not a good guy. He had been in the Army in Viet Nam in the 1960s. In the 1990s, he was made assistant manager of a convenience store. He said it was the best job he had ever had. I knew that he had problems from his service, but that showed like nothing else had done.
I used to know a lot of Viet Nam vets. Many of them are dead now. Almost all of them had some sort of mental issues (some coped well, but still had the issues). I often wondered how much worse their problems were made by the treatment they received when the got home (“baby killer” comes to mind).
One had a cap that pointed out the difference rather plainly. It said “I’m no Desert Storm hero, just an old Viet Nam vet”.
No further comment needed.
Surely this will stir up some comments.
And remember, I live near Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri, that did basic training for a LOT of guys that went to Viet Nam. And many that were stationed there afterwards if they stayed in.
And thank you for your posts.
I don’t agree with a lot of what you say, but I agree with a lot.
Mostly, I think I like the way that you present it.