The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson.  

It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night. 

The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told “Doctor, I’ve been suffering from a delusion.  I know now for a fact that I am not Lord Nelson.” 

“That’s wonderful,” said the doctor. “Who are you?” 

Smiling coyly, the patient replied, “I’m Lady Nelson.” 

“The Men’s Code” 

1. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. 

2. Never hesitate to reach for either the last beer or the last slice of pizza — but not both. That’s just plain mean. 

3. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable, however. 

4. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. 

5. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean. 

6. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 

7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale. 

8. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party. 

9. Before dating a buddy’s ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it. 

10. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem — you didn’t see nothin’. 

11. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing. 

12. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel … and it’s free. 

13. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 

14. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be referring to his beer. 

15. Never join your girlfriend/wife in discussing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response. 

16. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing; either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need. 

Murphy’s Law for Frequent Fliers 

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. 

2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal. 

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. 

4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world. 

5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. 

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers. 

7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory. 

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you. 

9. Guys, the best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you. 

10.The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard. 

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; 
The next day I stopped smoking. 

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; 
The next day I stopped eating red meat.. 

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; 
The next day I stopped drinking. 

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; 
This morning I stopped reading. 

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. 

The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. 

Lena replied, “You just put, ‘Ole died.'” 

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, “That’s it? Just ‘Ole died?’ Surely, there must be something more you’d like to say about Ole. If it’s money you’re concerned about, the first five words are free. We really should say something more.” 

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, “O.K., then. You put ‘Ole died. Boat for sale.'”