So, it’s Thursday.  And I’m working on THIS one over the weekend as well.  I’m trying to get ahead of the game, like I usually do, so that I’m not rushed at the end of the week, like I usually am.  I don’t know how it happens, that as far ahead as I get, I still get behind by the end of the week.  

Before we get started on the fun stuff, I want to throw a comment in here from Leah…

I believe everything you said, Leah, but I will say, at least for this man, that a woman, in too tight clothes, is not attractive at all.  A woman, in proper fitting clothes, is MUCH more attractive.  

Anyway, at this point let’s start with the laughter and move on from there.

Don’t let someone dim your light, simply because it’s shining in their eyes.

When a woman laughs during an argument, please know that the psycho part of her brain has been activated.
Abort Mission!

Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.

“Are you my mother?”

Having a teenage daughter is like having a cat that only comes out to eat and hisses when you try and be nice to it.

I like being alone
I like drinking coffee alone and reading alone.
I like riding the bus alone and walking home alone.
It gives me time to think and set my mind free.

I like eating alone and listening to music alone.

But when I see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with his or her best friend, I realize that even though I like being alone, I don’t fancy being lonely.

There is a TON of TRUTH in that one.  I feel EXACTLY the same way.

I’m so old I can remember when servers were waitresses, guests were customers, and team members were employees.

♫♪”Yeah, darlin’, go and make it happen”♪♫
♫♪”Take the world in a love embrace”♪♫
♫♪”Fire all of your guns at once”♪♫
♫♪”And EXPLODE into space!”♪♫

Oh now you KNOW we have to do this:

Which pushed me into this one:

Which in case you didn’t know it, came out about the same time that brother Martin Luther King was killed.  Yeah, that was the time that I was listening to music AND that’s the music I still listen to today because that is REAL music.

 I was on Loop 820, on my way home behind an ambulance. Oddly I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the curb. I thought, it’s time to be a good Samaritan, so I pulled over and retrieved it. When I opened it, there was a human toe packed in an ice bag. Holy smoke, I thought! So I called Methodist Hospital and they said, yes, the ambulance had arrived without the box. I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it? The lady replied, “No, we’ll just send a toe truck.” 

This next one is just lots of fun…

I TOLD YOU SO.

Sincerely,
Your Gut Instincts

Us dragons will take them any way we can.

Some people aren’t just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone.

A pretty face is NOTHING if you have an ugly heart.

Remember:  Having sex on a regular basis helps keep your memory alive.  I wish you all a GREAT 2016!

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.”

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the community.”

The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the country.”

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

The United States is 3rd in murders throughout the World

If you remove: 
#1 Chicago
#2 Detroit
#3 Washington DC
#4 St. Louis
#5 New Orleans 

the United States then becomes 189th out of 193 countries in the entire world. 

PS:  All five cities have strict Gun Control Laws.

If You Allow The 
Government To Break The
LAW BECAUSE
Of An Emergency,
They Will Always
Create An Emergency
TO BREAK THE LAW.

Remember in elementary school we picked dandelions and gave them to someone like a bouquet of flowers?  Back then we didn’t know they are worthless weeds, only that they are vibrant and beautiful.  I guess that’s the best part of innocence, you see things for what they are, not what they’re supposed to be.

In a span of 11 years, 115 people died in different weightlifting accidents at gyms.  In the same 11 years, only 1 person died while eating a donut.
Make Good Choices, People!

Relationship Tip For Men:  Tighten the lids on all the jars in the house.  She’ll have to speak to you eventually.

You’d be surprised how quickly employees at Lowe’s assist you after ignoring your for 20 minutes when you try and start a chainsaw.

Don’t be worried about your smartphone and television collecting your data…your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years now.

Things that used to hurt my back:

– Jumping off of garages
– Crashing my bike
– Falling out of a tree
– Diving in the shallow end
– Contact sports

Things that hurt my back now:

– Sneezing
-Washing the dishes
– Brushing my teeth
– Tying my shoes
– Rolling over in bed
– Standing in place for more than ten minutes
– Sitting in place for more than ten minutes

Called Walmart today to see when my W-2 would be in and they gave me a 1-800 number to call.  I call, and after giving the lady all my info, she can’t find me.  She asked what my employee number was and I told her I had no clue.  She asked who my supervisor was and I said I wasn’t sure about that either.  Then she asked what department I worked in and I informed her that I’m a self checkout cashier.  I can’t believe she hung up on me.  Such unprofessionalism from the corporate office.

A police officer came to my housie and asked me where I was between 5 & 6.  He seemed irritated when I answered, “Kindergarten.”

I came home and my dog peed a little because he was happy to see me.
None of my friends pee when they see me.
I’m surrounded by fakes.

And that my dear friends, is that.  Another one in the books and ready for you guys.  I hope you had as much fun listening as I did writing.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.