Dragon Laffs #2163


So, I JUST finished Saturday’s episode and figured, since I had a little time before I have to go pick up the Izzy Monster, that I’d get a start on Monday’s issue.  And since Mondays are usually full of issues on their own, this should be interesting.

Please, Please, PLEASE tell me this is a JOKE!!!!  That the world can’t POSSIBLY be this FREAKING SICK!!!!!

Life is short.
Make sure you spend as much time as possible on the Internet arguing with strangers about politics.

A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else believes the smile on your face.

The most expensive vehicle to operate, by far, is the Costco shopping cart.

“You couldn’t have drawn me with arms?!  I can’t even scratch my own belly, here!”

80% of the men don’t know why their wife is angry.

You think the other 20% of men know?
Wrong!
They don’t even know their wife is angry!

Marriage is like a deck of cards.  In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.  By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

On Christmas Eve, many Japanese go to KFC to enjoy a large portion of chicken wings.  As most Japanese people are either Buddhists or Shintoists, they celebrate Christmas just for the fun of it.

I see where the Girl Scout Cookies are!  Let’s GO!

5 by 5 rule
If it’s not gonna matter in 5 years, don’t spend more than 5 minutes being upset by it.

Interviewer:  How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?  

Me:  That’s when I went to Yale. 

Interviewer:  That’s impressive.  You are hired.  

Me:  Thanks.  I really need this Yob.

  • It’s ok to let a fool kiss you, 

    • but don’t let a kiss fool you.

  • A kiss is just shopping upstairs 

    • for downstairs merchandise.

  • It is better to lose a lover 

    • than love a loser.

  • Man with a broken condom 

    • is called a Daddy

  • Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax, 

    • doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.

  • A drunken man’s words 

    • are a sober man’s thoughts.

  • Marriage is like a bank account. 

    • You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.

  • Viagra is like Disneyland … 

    • a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

  • It is much better to want the mate you do not have 

    • than to have the mate you do not want.

  • A joke is like sex. 

    • Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

Be grateful that no matter how much chocolate you eat, your earrings will still fit.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?”  She then put on the game and walked away.  Two hours later, I’m like, what is she doing?
She’s napping. 
She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.  When you’re from Boston and you lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

Today, nobody showed up to my 8:15 am class.
0 students of about 40.  Sitting in the empty room.
I emailed them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.  
Two minutes later, I get a reply:  “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.”

I don’t get nearly enough credit in life for the things I manage not to say.

“Dad, what did Mount Rushmore look like before it was carved?”
“Well, Sweetie, its natural beauty was absolutely unpresidented.”

Okay, don’t laugh!  We’ve all been there.

Been there — done that.  Then been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.  

“You’re not the boss of me,” I say as I let the dog in and out, 17 times in a row.

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera.  I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding. 

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.  Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail’s pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You know, you just can’t fix stupid.

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

You say I’m messy.
I say my things are arranged in an abstract manner intentionally as a part of my unquenchable thirst for creative expression.

Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.

I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower.  But the image was too blurry.  He has selfie steam issues.

I’ll let myself out.

The End. 
Fin. 
Complete. 
Until Next Time.
One last thing.  I just heard while watching the replay of the show Bob Hearts Abishola:  “When you yell at someone to ‘Relax’ it doesn’t make it easy for them to relax.”  And isn’t that the perfect motto for our world today?  We have so many people running around and screaming and trying to relax and be happy and getting tense and upset because they are not relaxed and happy that it’s a self-defeating, never ending circle of despair.  Which is why we need things like Dragon Laffs to help the world battle the nonsense that pervades everyone’s life and, if just for a little while, we can all just smile and laugh a little.
So, with those thoughts in mind, may the Good Lord Bless us all with Love and Happiness until we meet again. 

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1 Response to Dragon Laffs #2163

  1. Leah D says:

    I’m so relaxed, I am slipping off my chair!

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