Again…it happened again.

I’ve run out of time in my week.

Here I am, starting yet another issue late.  You’d think, as full of issues as I am that starting one would be easy, right?  But, nooooo!  I’m running out of time, yet again for Saturday’s (today’s) issue.  So, I’m going to jump right into the laughter part and see if I can add some of the Impish Dragon part later if there’s time.

10 jokes about marriage

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met each other.
Marriage is like a rollercoaster: there are ups and downs, and sometimes you just want to get off.
My wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars. I said, “May divorce be with you.”
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Why did the husband bring a map to bed? Because his wife kept telling him he never listens.
Marriage is like a game of chess. The queen has all the power and the king is the one who gets defeated.
My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run mine.
My wife told me he loves me more than anything in the world. I said, “I love you too. What about pizza?” She said, “Okay, fine. More than anything except pizza.”
My wife and I have an agreement. I make all the big decisions, and she makes all the small ones. So far, there haven’t been any big decisions.

If you don’t get it … PICK UP A BOOK!!!

Sky TV have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo.

Unfortunately it’s only available on Paper View……

True answer

Absolutely Marvelous!!

MEN BASHING

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don’t know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They’re married.

That is the PERFECT answer!

That is SO COOL!!!

I get all kinds of gifts from fans!

Well, you gotta give her props for not wanting to give it up, but I wouldn’t want to sit next to her on the plane.

MURPHY’S LAWS OF MOVING 

No matter how many boxes you have, you will always need one more. 

The more your friends promise to help, the more likely it is they will have something come up the day you move. 

Whatever you need is at the bottom of the box you taped shut ten minutes ago. 

Now that you are moving and no longer need it, you will find the item you spent two years looking for. 

The tape, the scissors, the markers, and the screwdriver are all familiar with the rules to Hide-And-Seek. 

You will never break something cheap that you never liked anyway … only family heirlooms get broken during a move. 

No matter how large the new place is, it will not have enough room once you begin to move in. 

If you stay up all night packing for the movers, they will be late. 

An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout.

“Yumti-Bi,” he said, “you must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here.”

Yumti-Bi layed down and put his ear to the ground… “Large Heap – war party,” he says, “maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black horses, two on white stallions. All have warpaint…many many guns. Medicine man also with them.”

“Good grief!” exclaims the General, “you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground???”

“No, General,” replied the Indian, “I can see under the gate…”

The first year student had just gotten a beat up old VW beetle from his parents. 

He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and overturned the car directly between the house of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Mr. and Mrs. Balls 

… luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths 

Izzy Dragon just checked the weather.  It’s 80 degrees here right now.  Beautiful afternoon.  She’s going to walk to work.  While she was on the weather app she checked for the rest of the weekend and when she came to Monday, she found out that we have a chance of … snow. 

ARE     YOU     FREAKING     KIDDING     ME     !!!!! 

♪♫ “Standin’ on the corner, watchin’ all the boys go by…” ♫♪

Bob met Suzi in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other’s company very much and at the end of the evening Suzi invited Bob to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Suzi began tenderly stroking Bob’s manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Bob comments, “Surely you can’t be ready for more?” 

Suzi replies, “No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine… ”

Too weird

Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world, there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

This is probably a true statement.  Because I can’t think of a single morning in my life where I didn’t say one or the other of those two statements.

That is an awesomely beautiful picture.

Men and women have two distinct views about a wedding.

The husband to be wakes up in the morning, plays a round of golf and counts the minutes until he has to be at the altar.

The wife to be, on the other hand, wakes up in the morning and is panicking.

She immediately begins to organize things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her mind she is repeating what she has to do.

“All I have to do is go down the aisle, get to the altar, and marry him.”

She repeats this over and over again, until she begins to shorten it to three words which she continues to repeat…

“Aisle, altar, him.” “Aisle, altar, him.” “Aisle, altar, him.”

AI is the next big thing and some very cool things using this new technology are coming out. But, of course, scammers wasted no time getting in on the game. This time, they are using AI to make it sound like you are talking to someone you know over the phone.

That’s what Ruth Card, a 73-year old grandma, thought when she heard the voice of her beloved grandson, Brandon, when she answered the phone. When he said he desperately needed bail money, she and her husband went straight to their bank.

The couple quickly took out $3,000 CAD, the maximum amount allowed, from their account. Then, went through the process again for more money. Luckily, the bank manager was trained to see when customers were being scammed. He approached them and told them he had seen another customer who had received the same phone call that sounded like a family member. The voice, they found out, had been a fake.

Card said, “We were sucked in. We were convinced that we were talking to Brandon.”

Others fell for the scam. The Washington Post told the story of Benjamin Perkin, 39-years-old, whose parents lost thousands to an AI voice clone. Perkin’s folks thought they were talking to a lawyer on the phone who relayed their son was involved in a car crash that killed a US diplomat and needed money for legal fees. They were even convinced they were talking to their own son when the lawyer pretended to let them speak to Perkin. The voice sounded exactly like him.

When the lawyer called them back and asked for $21,000 CAD in Bitcoin, they didn’t hesitate to go to their bank and complete the transaction.

Perkin said,

“The money’s gone. There’s no insurance. There’s no getting it back. It’s gone.”

The scam has been around for a few years. But with the rapid advancements and adoption of AI technology, the general law-abiding public will not often recognize when they are being fooled.

Professor of forensics at UC Berkeley, Hany Farid, told WaPo,

“Two years ago, even a year ago, you needed a lot of audio to clone a person’s voice.

Now if you have a Facebook page or if you’ve recorded a TikTok and your voice is in there for 30 seconds, people can clone your voice.”

Companies like ElevenLabs offer AI voice synthesis service that cost only $5 per month. Their results are so convincing, a journalist used it to break into his own bank account. Hopefully, we can also come up with the tools that can stop scammers from using it to steal money from innocent, and often elderly, victims.

I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history. 

After he finished all 17 pages, he looked at me and said, “You look better in person than you do on paper.” 

Sue: “My husband has the worst memory I ever heard of.”

Monica: “Forgets everything, eh?”

Sue: “No. Remembers everything.” 

1911…Turkey disarms it’s citizens…shortly after 1.5 million Armenians are murdered.

1929…Russia disarms it’s citizens…over the next 24 years 20 million Russians are murdered.

1935…China disarms it’s citizens…between 1948 and 1952 20 million Chinese are murdered.

1938…Germany disarms it’s citizens…over the next seven years 6 million Jews are murdered.

1956…Cambodia disarms it’s citizens…1975 to 1977 one million people were murdered.

1964….Guatemala disarms it’s citizens…then goes on to murder 100,000 Mayans.

1970…Uganda disarms it’s citizens…over the next decade 300,000 Christians are murdered.

2012…Venezuela disarmed it’s citizens and right now we are seeing the results of that.

The Left is working tirelessly to disarm American Citizens…Why would they want to do that?

In the Air Force they were called “Holy Joes” because of all the holes they had in them.  Ours had a lot more holes than the one in the picture.

Murphy’s Laws Of Computing

* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.  Also known as the law of management

* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

* When the going gets tough, upgrade.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.  Also a law of mechanics.

* To err is human .  .  .  To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.  Management again

* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.  All other types of systems.

* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members. 

No kidding!!!!

Old Pick-up lines


“What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like…where exactly are we again?” 

“Do you smell that? That’s either love, or I used too much ointment this morning.” 

“Yes, I’m 92… but I have the body of a 78-year-old.” 

“WHO’S your granddaddy?” 

“Your beautiful blue eyes are like limpid sapphire pools. Your blue hair, too.” 

“Hey babe, looking for a good time? How’s about coming home with me and… Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z.” 

This is an old but a great old list!  I laugh every time I see it, now for any of you who haven’t seen it before, you are in for a treat.  For those of you who have seen it before, you’re in for a treat, too.  Just one you’ve had before.

These are from a book called “Disorder in the Court” and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters who had the torment of staying straight-faced while the exchanges were taking place.
 
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
 
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20. Very close to your IQ.
 
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
 
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
 
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
 
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
 
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
 
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Every time we try to eat healthy, along comes Christmas, Easter, summer, Friday or Tuesday and ruins it for us.

Smile…it will either warm their heart or piss them off–either way you win!

The older I get the tighter companies are putting the lids on jars.

I have terrible ideas if you need any.

I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get…well you know…Oreos.

I like the type of people whose sense of humor may be described as “inappropriate with a chance of ruining family dinner.”

And that is it my dear, dear friends, family, neighbors, and fellow campers.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.