Dragon Laffs #2161

It is indeed a magical world.  Filled with wonders beyond imagination.  Stop what you’re doing right now. 

Look at your own hand. 

Bend your fingers down into a fist. 

Watch the way each individual finger moves without you having to even think about it. 

Now, uncurl your fingers and stretch them out tight and look at the little-bitty muscles and tendons controlling the little bones. 

Think about how each of those muscles, tendons, bones, sinews, and everything else inside are all made up of individual cells that are completely replaced every seven years or so; all working together with no conscious thought from you; preprogramed to do a particular job twenty-four hours a day, three-hundred, sixty-five and a quarter days a year, for the entire lifespan of your body. 

And there are some people that think we came from primordial sludge somewhere!  Yeah, right! 

We are glorious, magnificent creations! 

Yes, I’m feeling a bit maudlin’ today.  I had a deep discussion with a dear friend about being alone and lonely.  I made mention that I have a lot of friends, but very few FRIENDS and told him that he knew exactly the difference of which I was speaking.  But it has got me thinking and put me in a mood. 

So, rather than stay in a mood … 

Look at ME!” boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. “Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups, and walk two miles. I’m fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t stay up late, and I don’t chase after women!” He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, “And tomorrow, I’m going to celebrate my 95th birthday!”

“Oh, really?” drawled one of the young onlookers, How?

This little essay comes to us from Joe in NJ

Just so everyone has a better understanding, I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example: If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male.

Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads.

Also, if women were in charge of all the world’s nations, there would be no war. I sincerely believe this — virtually no military conflicts, and if there were a military conflict, everyone involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side). So, I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of one key area, and that area is clothing sizes. In this particular area, women are insane.

When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body. A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small, he’ll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you’re standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says: “Howdy! My rear is the size of a Federal Express truck!”

The situation is very different with women. When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that to be the case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when she was 19-years-old. This will be some arbitrary number such as “8” or “10.” Don’t ask me “8” or “10” of what; that question has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was a size 8 at age 19, she wants to be a size 8 now, and if a size 8 outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size: She can’t! Her size is 8! So she will keep on trying on size 8 items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy. She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store, trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night-vision binoculars.

“Hi!” he’ll says, when his wife finds him, “You know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night and…”

“Am I fat?” she’ll ask, cutting him off.

This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers “yes,” she’ll be angry because he’s saying that she’s fat, and if he answers “no,” she’ll be angry because HE’S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 8’s FIT HER.

There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether they’re fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult.

Here’s how you could get rich: Start a women’s clothing store called “SIZE 2,” in which all garments, including those that were originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words “SIZE 2.” I’ll bet you’d sell clothes like crazy. You’d probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to benefit humanity.

Thank you my good friend.  I can safely say that I laughed like crazy, agreed with absolutely everything you said, and even threw in an Amen here and there.  I can safely say this because my dear darling wife departed this world and is now in a much better place and will not blacken my eye until, I too reach Heaven and then my Heavenly body should heal fast enough that it shouldn’t be a big deal.

These could easily have been taken by Izzy Dragon, but you guys would have heard the screaming.

Murphy’s Love Laws 

  1. All the good ones are taken. 
  2. If the person isn’t taken, there’s a reason. (corr. to 1) 
  3. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. 
  4. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant. 
  5. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them. 
  6. Money can’t buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. 
  7. The best things in the world are free — and worth every penny of it. 
  8. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. 
  9. Nice guys(girls) finish last. 
  10. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. 
  11. Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.

Lounging in the sun, a good glass of Jameson, smooth cigar…

A newcomer to Manchester Eng. arrives on a rainy day. 

She gets up the next day and it’s raining. 

It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. 

She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, “Hey kid, does it ever stop raining around here?” 

The boy replies, “How should I know? I’m only 6.” 

The young bride’s mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter. 

“Never let your husband see you in the nude,” she advised. “You should always wear something.” 

“Yes, mother,” replied the obedient girl. 

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, “Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?” 

“Not that I know of,” she answered. “Why?” 

“Well, we’ve been married for two weeks now and every night you’ve worn that silly hat to bed.” 

A traveling salesman, out on the road for two months, was beginning to feel lonely and horny. 

He stopped in at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender what men did for fun around here. 

The bartender told him to go to room at the top of the stairs and wait for Vanessa. He did. 

Soon the door opened to reveal the most beautiful black woman he had ever seen. 

“Hi, I’m Vanessa, and I’m $20,” she said. Much to his dismay the salesman had only $18, which he promptly offered. “Vanessa does not lower her standards for anyone,” she said. “I’ll send up Angela.” 

A few minutes later a beautiful white woman appeared, took his money and treated him to a wonderful evening of sex. 

Twenty-five years later, while on vacation, the salesman found himself in the same bar, talking to the same bartender. “Bet you don’t remember me,” he said. 

“Sure I do,” replied the bartender. “You’re the guy that knocked up Angela 25 years ago. That’s your son at the end of the bar. He’s been in every night for ten years, hoping to meet his daddy. 

The salesman went over to the boy and said, “Son, I think I may be your daddy.” 

The boy said, “Great! What is my last name?” 

“Bardowski,” the salesman said. 

“Oh, no,” said the boy, “you mean that I waited ten years to find out that I’m Polish?” 

“Hey, kid,” the salesman said, “it could’ve been worse. Two dollars more and you’da been black too!” 

“Oh!  Oh!  I  found them!  I found them!  The Girl Scout Cookies!”

Aphorism: a short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation.

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 am. For example, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

14. I’ve reached the age where ‘happy hour’ is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print; there’s no way you’re going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

18. Money can’t buy happiness, but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Lexus than in a Ford.

19. After 60, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you’re probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don’t mind, and the ones that mind don’t matter.

21. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

Timeless Wisdom

  • The problem we face today is because the people that work for a living are out numbered by those who vote for a living.
    • George Bernard Shaw (1856- 1950)
  • Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
    • Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher
  • Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
    • Nikita Khrushchev, Soviet Union politician
  • When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
    • Quoted in ‘Clarence Darrow for the Defense’ by Irving Stone.
  • Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
    • John Quinton, American actor/writer
  • Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
    • Oscar Ameringer, “the Mark Twain of American Socialism.”
  • I offered my opponents a deal: “if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them”.
    • Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952.
  • A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
    • Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
  • I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
    • Charles de Gaulle
  • Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
    • Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games
  • I am reminded of a joke: What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution. What happens if all of them drown? That is solution!!!
  • I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two are lawyers and three or more are the government.
    • John Adams (1735 – 1826)
  • Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Government. But then I repeat myself.
    • Mark Twain (1835- 1910)
  • I don’t make jokes. I just watch the Government and report the facts!
    • Will Rogers (1879- 1935)
  • I contend that for a nation to try and tax itself into prosperity, is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
    • Winston Churchill (1874 – 1965)
  • A Government which robs Peter to pay Paul, can always depend on the support of Paul!
    • Will Rogers (1879- 1935)

You Had One Job!

Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money someday.

He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business.

“Look at that yacht,” he said as they drove slowly past a marina. “That 96′ beauty belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. That one over there 104′ is owned by the head of Goldman, Sachs. And look at that huge 210′ yacht out there. That’s the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache.”

His friend Morris was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face.

“What’s the matter?” Goodman asked.

“I was just wondering,” Morris said. “why aren’t there any customers’ yachts?”

Oh, I’m WAY older than that!


Everything can be filed under miscellaneous.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) “Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isn’t she adorable?”

Friend: “But your kid didn’t smile.”

Father: “I was talking about the nurse!”

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. 

The waiting room was filled with patients. 

As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a very large unfriendly woman who looked like a sumo wrestler. 

He gave her his name. 

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?” 

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. 

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replies, “NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.” 

In the event of a Civil War, I’m not afraid of the 81 million Biden voters.  Half are dead and don’t exist.  And the rest don’t even know what gender they are.

175,000 IRS AGENTS

8 times as many agents to target American citizens than to target the drug cartels.

Morris a ninety-year old man lived in a retirement home and got a weekend pass. 

He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. 

He noticed a seventy-year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. 

As the evening progressed, Morris, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. 

Two days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. 

After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. 

The old man said, “Sure did!” 

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. 

“Yes,…but why?” 

“Well you’d better get over there… you’re about to cum.” 

Ronald Regan:  This was a Democrat fund raiser at a hotel and out side the hotel was a young boy trying to sell puppies.  He was standing there with a box full of puppies saying, “Come buy a democrat puppy!  Come buy a democrat puppy!”

Two weeks later the Republicans held a fund raiser in the same hotel and there was the same boy with the same box of puppies yelling, “Come buy a Republican puppy!  Come buy a Republican puppy!”

Well, a reporter who happened to be there two weeks earlier and had seen the boy at both events asked him and said, “Hey kid, what gives?  Two weeks ago you were selling those as Democrat Puppies, now they’re Republican puppies.”

The boy responded with, “Well, yeah.  Cause now they have their eyes open.”

Moral Dilemma 

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus…. 

An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 

An old friend who once saved your life. 

The perfect partner you have been dreaming about. 

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? 

Think before you continue reading. 

This is a moral / ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. 

– You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. 

– Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. 

– However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again. 

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. 

He simply answered: 

“I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. 

I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams..” 

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. 

Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.” 

HOWEVER, the correct answer is – ta da: 

To run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers. 

I don’t hold grudges.
I hold memories that keep me better prepared for our next encounter.

And it’s sad how many of you youngsters are NOT going to get that.

And that’s it my dear campers.  

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #2161

  1. Marsha Mastrangelo says:

    In response to NJ Joe’s story on women. I know God created man 1st, but I’m sure it’s because He knew us women would never invent a vibrater that could mow the grass and take out the trash….have you seen the robot mowers? We are getting close……you have met your match Joe….X Jersey girl now in the Ozarks…..

  2. Leah D says:

    As to women and clothes sizes: I am a woman, and it totally drives me nuts that no matter if it is an obese 22 or a size 1, women seem to insist on buying the next size smaller than what they really are. . . yes, men, there really is a size zero. the consequence is wrinkled, bunched dresses, not at all what the designer intended. Pants so tight that there is actually skin enclosed in the fold creases at the top of their leg when they sit down. . . I could go on, but won’t. I think the reason they keep doing that is men actually like them in too tight clothes? Men?

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