Today is Palm Sunday when I’m starting this.  One week before Easter.  Even though you are probably not reading this until Thursday if my plan works out properly.

I worked all day today.  I should be getting ready for bed instead of working on this, but I have a little bit of time and I would rather spend it with you guys than just mope around the house not doing anything. 

This is normally the time that Mary and I would be deciding if we would watch a quick 30 minute show that we recorded or an hour show.  Since we fast forwarded through all the commercials, it would be a 20 minute or a 40 minute show.  We recorded everything.  I don’t believe there was anything other than sporting events that we watched live…and I’m still the same way.  And when I’m all “caught up” on my recorded stuff, I normally just turn on the news in the background for noise.

But, because I’ve been at work all day, I’m pretty much wiped out.  I should’ve called my brother and my Dad to check on them.  I try to do that a couple of times a week and it’s been a few days.  Dad is still getting over that sickness and the Owl is freshly out of the ICU in the hospital again. 

Life is becoming more difficult again.  But, it’s been a month or so since I’ve had anything major happen in my life, so it’s about time.  The entire world is going to hell in a handbasket and we’re the only ones who seem to be paying attention.

I thought I had an early answer to my Last Word from Monday’s issue and then realized that I couldn’t since it hadn’t published yet, but here it is, from Leah, which is not surprising of itself.  Thanks Leah.  I can always count on you to be controversial…

 You see why I thought it was in answer to…, but let me get to answering Leah…  Leah, it is literally my job and the job of everyone else in or associated with the military, to be ready with guns to protect the Constitution.  That’s my point.  I think we’re doing a crappy job of it.  My question for you is, if you weren’t there at January 6th, as you said, how do you know the rest of us weren’t?  Maybe we just haven’t been locked up yet?

Anyway, this one from Marsha, one of my favorite nurses … have I mentioned I have a really warm spot in my heart for nurses?  Only about a thousand times you say.  Okay.  Well, it’s worth mentioning again.  From Marsha ..this one really cracked me up.

Thanks for bringing a smile to  this old dragon’s face Marsha.  It’s always two handed driving for this one.  One hand on the coffee and the other on the cigar.  It’s usually a knee and the cigar hand, interspersed with the coffee hand when I put it in the cup holder that controls the wheel…sometimes.  As my nurse would say, “as needed.”

Well, you guys go ahead and start with the funny stuff.  I’m gonna take my puppies out and call it a night.  I’ll add more to this tomorrow.

Yeah, that’s not gonna work anymore.  Although, that is the type of gift that Mary would ask for.  LOL!

This next one is an oldie and it’s NOT from Joe in NJ. instead it’s from Friggin’ Pete.

A guy meets Siamese twins in a bar and they wind up back at his apartment.

There was a farmer who had a horse and a pig.
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said, “Well, your horse has a virus. “He must take this medicine for three days. I’ll come back on the 3rd day and if he’s not better, we’re going to have to put him down.”

The next day, they gave him the medicine and left.

On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.

We must have a grand party. Let’s slaughter the pig!”

A lot of things in my young life didn’t work out.

Ambiguities and Idiosyncrasies of the English language…

• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila …floor. 

• Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “where’s the self- help section?” she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 
• Is there another word for synonym? 
• Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?” 
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them? 
• If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 
• If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 
• Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines? 
• How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs? 
• What was the best thing before sliced bread? 
• One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people. 
• Does the little mermaid wear an algebra? 
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 
• How is it possible to have a civil war? 
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 
• If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? 
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it? 
• Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”? 
• Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them? 
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 
• If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented? 
• Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god? 
• Why do shops have signs, ‘guide dogs only’, the dogs can’t read and their owners are blind? 

The 1% Age Group

________________

WE ARE THE FORTUNATE FEW…

The One percent group born between 1930 – 1947

The 1% Age Group.  This special group was born between 1930 – 1947 = 17 years.

In 2023, the age range is between 77 – 93.

Are you, or do you know, someone “still here?”

Interesting Facts For You…

• You are the smallest group of children born since the early 1900s.
• You are the last generation, climbing out of the depression, who can remember the winds of war and the impact of a world at war that rattled the structure of our daily lives for years.
• You are the last to remember ration books for everything from gas to sugar to shoes to stoves.
• You saved tin foil and poured fried meat fat into tin cans.
• You saw cars up on blocks because tires weren’t available.
• You can remember milk being delivered to your house early in the morning and placed in the “milk box” on the porch and the ice cream truck coming through the neighborhood.
• You saw the ‘boys’ home from the war, build their little houses that they were so happy with. 
• You are the last generation who spent childhood without television; instead, you “imagined” what you heard on the radio and you read library books and played in the street with friends.
• With no TV until the 1950s, you spent your childhood “playing outside.”
• There was no city playground for kids. You organized neighborhood baseball and football games on vacant lots. You rode your bike everywhere.
• The lack of television in your early years meant that you had little real understanding of what the world was like. 
  • AND WEREN’T WE BETTER OFF FOR NOT KNOWING, RATHER THAN BEING BOMBARDED BY MEDIA HYPE AND SENSATIONALISM!!!.
• On Saturday mornings and afternoons, the movies gave you newsreels sandwiched in between westerns and cartoons.
• Telephones were one to a house, often shared (party lines), and hung on the wall in the kitchen (no cares about privacy).
• Computers were called calculators; they were hand-cranked.
• Typewriters were driven by pounding fingers, throwing the carriage, and changing the ribbon.
• ‘INTERNET’ and ‘GOOGLE’ were words that did not exist.
• Newspapers and magazines were written for adults and the news was broadcast on your radio in the evening. Kids read comic books.
• The Government gave returning Veterans the means to get an education and spurred colleges to grow.
• Loans fanned a housing boom.
• Pent-up demand, coupled with new installment payment plans opened many factories for work.
• New highways would bring jobs and mobility.
• The veterans joined civic clubs and became active in politics.
• The radio network expanded from 3 stations to hundreds.
• Your parents were suddenly free from the confines of the Depression and the War!
• You weren’t neglected, but you weren’t today’s all-consuming family focus.
• They were glad you played by yourselves until the street lights came on.
• You entered a world of overflowing plenty and opportunity; a world where you were welcomed, enjoyed yourselves and felt secure in your future.
• Polio was still a crippler.
• You came of age in the ’50s and ’60s.
• You are the last generation to experience an interlude when there were no threats to our homeland.
• The Second World War was over and the Cold War, Terrorism, Global Warming, and perpetual economic insecurity had yet to haunt life with unease
• Only your generation can remember both a time of great war and a time when our world was secure and full of bright promise and plenty.
• You grew up at the best possible time, a time when the world was getting better…
• You are “The Last Ones.”

More than 99 % of you are either retired or deceased, and you feel privileged to have “lived in the Best of Times!”

It’s great being part of the 1% Special Group!!

That was sent in by Joe from NJ.  I got to live through part of this.  What a wonderful time it was.  

Yes indeed, Joe.  This is an old joke.

Last kiss

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge.

So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

“Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin’ up there on that railing’?”

She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!!”

While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend” opportunity either so he asked . . . “Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don’t you give ol’ George here your best last kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”

It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

This is NOT how you make Girl Scout Cookies!

UP  An amazing 2 letter English word.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP.’  It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v]. 
 
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but:

o When we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? 

o At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?  

o Why do we speak UP, and 

o Why are the officers UP for election and 

o Why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?  

o We call UP our friends, 

o Brighten UP a room, 

o Polish UP  the silver, 

o Warm UP the leftovers and 

o Clean UP the kitchen.  

o We lock UP the house and 

o Fix UP the old car. 

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. 

o People stir UP trouble, 

o Line UP for tickets, 

o Work UP an appetite, and 

o Think UP excuses. 

o To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. 

And this UP is confusing:  

o A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

o We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. 

o We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! 

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. 
  
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. 

o When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.  

o When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP.  

o When it rains, the earth soaks it UP.  

o When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.  

One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!  

Don’t screw UP.  Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book .  . .. or not . . . it’s UP to you. 
 
Now I’ll shut UP!

Well done!  Everyone stand UP and give him an ovation.  Who?  Joe from NJ, that’s who.

Not until you mentioned it.

Everyone concentrates on the problems we’re having in this country lately…

• like illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, and alligators attacking people in Florida

Well ….. not me — I concentrate on solutions for the problems – – ‘win-win situations‘.

• Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
• Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
• Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

And with that … three problems are solved!! 

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

If not — think about this:

• Cows
• The Constitution
• The Ten Commandments

COWS: 

• Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic…
  • Our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington?
  • And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.
  • But now, they are unable to locate 30 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.  
  • Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION: 

• They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq …. 
  • Why don’t we just give them ours?  
  • It was written by a lot of really smart guys, 
  • It has worked for over 200 years, 
  • And we’re not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS: 

• The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this – 
  • You cannot post:
    • – “Thou Shalt Not Steal”
    • – “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery”
    • — and “Thou Shall Not Lie”…
      • In a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians … 
      • It creates a hostile work environment

Yup, it’s an old joke, but it’s a good one and it’s funny, so I ran it again.  AND it does make you think…let’s focus on the solutions rather than the problems.

When Debbie was in high school she had a crush on this one guy ever since she had been 12 years old. The guy never paid her any attention. Every year Debbie would try to get the boy to notice her, but he just wasn’t interested. Finally, when Debbie turned 18, she began to come of age, and sure enough, the guy noticed.

Debbie was very pretty, had filled out and looked quite grown-up and the boy asked her for a date on a Friday night!!

Debbie was so excited all week, and could hardly wait for Friday. Finally, Friday came. As soon as she got home from school, she began getting ready for her date at 7. She spent four hours primping and prepping her hair, make-up, and deciding what to wear, wanting everything to be perfect for the night she had waited years for.

Finally, 7 o’clock came around. Looking out the window, she saw her hero pull up in his shiny black car. Debbie became so nervous and excited, that she opened the door before he even got to it. “Hi!” she said, nervous as hell, when he replied, “Debbie you look beautiful!!”

She was so pleased when she walked out the door, and then halfway down the steps- IT hit her. Debbie realized in horror that she had to FART!!

Oh my God she thought, I should have gone to the bathroom, walking along, Debbie pondered, what am I going to do??

Being a quick thinker, Debbie got an idea: She would let him open her door for her, hurry in, fart, roll down the window real quick, and by the time he came around and got in, all would be O.K.

So they get to the car, her guy opens the door, Debbie gets in, tryin’ to keep her legs crossed as she scoots across the seat, he closes the door, then she really rips one!

Debbie quickly rolls down the window, and seeing that he’s just getting around to his door, she relaxes a little now, she smiles at him as he gets in the car. Then her beau turns to her, points to the back seat, and says, “Debbie, I’d like you to meet my parents, I’m dropping them off at the theatre!”

An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in hell one day. “My lord,” the Irishman exclaimed, “What are you doing here?”

The landowner sighed. “I’m here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?”

“For fathering that playboy son of yours,” the Irishman replied.

One Sunday our regular organist, an older man, had a bad case of the flu and asked his nephew, Bobby, to fill in for him. While Bobby was not as good as his uncle, he was still a passable musician. But what really got people’s attention was that Bobby was a stunningly handsome man, and so ended up distracting many a young woman’s mind from the hereafter to what was, so to speak, over here.

Well, needless to say, these women were disappointed when the regular organist returned the next weekend, but kept up hope – while praying for forgiveness for wishing such a thing – that the old organist would again fall ill so they might again have their favorite “substitute”;.

Things being as they may, and Ohio having chilly winters, the organist again caught the flu and asked his nephew to fill in. This time, one of the women, a buxom lass by name of Betty, took opportunity by the… horn, and, intercepting him after church, asked him on a date.

So Betty and Bobby, being young and carefree, had a spectacular first date, where they connected in conversation, connected in dance, and, well, connected back at his place.

But the next morning, while dressing, Betty seemed glum – and not just from a hangover. When Bobby asked, she said, rather bluntly, “You didn’t warn me you had such a small organ.”

Without missing a beat, Bobby smoothly replied, “You didn’t warn me I would be playing in such a large cathedral.”

Oldie with MANY variations. 

Years ago while attending a dinner party hosted by some friends of mine the hostess served a meal with this delicious mushroom sauce. After the meal there was a small amount left over and the hostess decided to allow her pregnant cat to enjoy the treat as well as the guests. The guests all felt it was a great gesture and showed the cat was a member of the family. 

The sauce was the highlight of the evenings topic of conversation, everyone commented on how delicious it was, and the hostess beamed at all the compliments. One of the guest commented that toadstools were much like mushrooms except for being toxic, and how funny it would be is such a culinary treat were made from that instead. 

As if on cue, the pet cat started crying and squirming on the floor, clutching its belly. The hostess exclaimed, “Oh my God, it’s the mushroom sauce!” 

We all went to the emergency room in a mad rush, and had our stomachs pumped after telling them we had eaten poisonous mushrooms. This was an extremely unpleasant experience. 

We we got back, the cat was lying on the floor peacefully looking up at us, and had given birth to kittens. 

I laughed SO hard at this one.  This is the way two men talk to each other who obviously love each other:

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.  We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. 

She had no name so we named her Pussycat. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, [the complainer] said OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.” 

My husband and my vet don’t see eye to eye. He calls my husband El-cheap-O.  My husband calls him El Take-0. They love to hate each other. 

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor’s office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. 

He looked straight at my husband, “Your wife’s pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she’s pregnant.  God knows who the father is!” And he closed the door. 

People are always saying New Yorkers can’t get along. Well it’s really not true.

Last time I was on the way to the airport I saw two New Yorkers on the side of the road along the way, complete strangers, sharing a cab.

One guy was taking the tires and the other guy was helping himself to the alternator, radio and battery.

Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured.

One day, when my aunt’s name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. “I need to get your weight today,” said the nurse.

Without a moment’s hesitation, my aunt replied, “One hour and 45 minutes!”

And that’s it from me for now.  I’ve got to go, got to get some sleep.