Dragon Laffs #2159

So the Mario Movie is now out.  Izzy and I have to go see it!

I just got back from my follow up appointment with the urologist.  And I guess I’m doing well enough that he doesn’t want to see me for a year.  So THAT’s a good thing.

The OTHER movie that’s out that at least I have to see is Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves.

The problem is trying to coordinate schedules to make it all work out. Izzy and I only have one assured day off together … and it just so happens that’s one of the two days that’s the theater is closed.

Well, let’s go ahead and laugh then, it’s the only thing we have left!

Nicholas Winton helped 669 Jewish children escape the Nazis. His efforts went unrecognized for 50 years. Then in 1988, while sitting as a member of a TV audience, he suddenly found himself surrounded by the kids he had rescued, who were now adults.

Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. Anon.

On her way back from the concession stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, “Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?”

Expecting an apology, the man said, “Indeed you did.”

Julie nodded, and noted, “Oh good. Then this is my row.”

“Aww, but Mom!  All my friends are flying off into the sunset!  Why can’t I?!”

A young couple was called to heaven before they could be married. The disappointed groom took St.Peter aside and asked him if it was possible for them to be married.

“I’m afraid you’ll have to wait,” St.Peter replied. “Check back after five years time, and if you still want to be married we will talk about it.”

Five years passed and the couple came back to see St.Peter. Repeating their request,

St.Peter replied,”Sorry, you must wait another five years.”

Fortunately after the wait, St.Peter said they could be married. The wedding was beautiful and at first the couple were very happy, but later they realized that they had made a mistake.

They went to see St.Peter, this time to ask for a divorce.

“WHAT!?” St.Peter asked. “It took us ten years to find a minister in heaven, Now you want us to find a ‘lawyer’?”.

A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.” 

“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.” 

“No, mother,” the young woman laments. “I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price.” 

“Well, that is being miserly,” the mother agreed, “Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.” 

“No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket.” 

“Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?” 

“Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, ‘PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,’ so I flew to Alaska.” 

Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they’d leave.

Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out.

“This I’ve got to see,” I thought.

They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.

“No, I don’t care if all the other kids are flying off into the sunset, you are all too young right now.”

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. 

When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. 

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She s aid, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.” The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. 

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. 

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.” The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?” 

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?” Finally, she said, “Enough Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.” Then the young son asked, “Wait, how do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”

This next one is from Susan who says:

You probably have seen this but I had to share just in case you hadn’t. I thought it might bring a giggle and who couldn’t use more of those!

Take care and thanks for all the laughs you bring each week. S

No kidding!  I can hear that picture all the way over here!  And it’s LOUD!

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”

The cop asked, “What’s he like?”

The little boy replied, “Beer and women.”

Murphy’s Technology Laws

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch to be sure.

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

All’s well that ends.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.

New systems generate new problems.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

We don’t know one millionth of one percent about anything.

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day’s work.

Some people manage by the book, even though they don’t know who wrote the book or even what book.

The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.

Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.

If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.

Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a “Pearl Harbor File.”

Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.

If you can’t understand it, it is intuitively obvious.

The more cordial the buyer’s secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.

In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday.  The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.

Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. And scratch where it itches.

All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.

The only perfect science is hind-sight.

Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.

If it’s not in the computer, it doesn’t exist.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Everything that goes up must come down. (Except the landing gear)

Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.

Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.

The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

Any attempt to print Murphy’s laws will jam the printer.

A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them. A co-worker explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant.

The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked an elderly couple if everything had been all right.

“It was fine, dear,” replied the man, “but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her walker back?”

An old snake goes to see his Doctor. “Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can’t see very well these days.” 

The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed. 

The doctor says, “What’s the problem?  Didn’t the glasses help you?” 

“The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!” 

This could definitely be here in Indiana.

Kind of odd how liberals think that every post, tweet, and meme needs to fact checked for truth and honesty but…


There are close to 50 Nuclear Weapons that are known to be missing.

As someone who used to (and to a much different degree still does) do this for a living, my official response is, “Yeah, so?”

Had a buddy of mine send me a thing about Home Depot no longer having a Veteran’s Discount.  And before I posted anything about it here, I thought I’d check it out on line and make sure it was true or still valid and what I found out was very disappointing.  Home Depot has a Veteran’s Discount … sort of.  They might as well not have.  They make it so difficult it might as well not even be there and then it’s so miniscule, it’s virtually worthless.  First of all you have to go on line to register, prove that you are a veteran.  I’m not sure how you have to do that, but it’s not like showing up at the register with your purchase and showing an ID or a retired ID and getting 10% off.  Like it should be.  Like it is at other places.  No, you have to jump through a bunch of STUPID hoops first.  Okay, so let’s say you go ahead and do that.  Then you are limited to $400 a year.  Well, that cuts out most major appliance purchases or major home renovations.  So you are jumping through your butt to save a lousy forty bucks a year.  THAT’S what this major corporation believes your putting your life on the line for them is worth.  Thanks but no thanks.  

When everything went to hell in Florida after Hurricane lan, I didn’t see a lot of Priuses, windmills or social justice warriors coming to save the day. I saw diesel trucks, combustion generators, heavy tractors, fuel tankers and a whole lotta bearded good ol’ boys putting some of that “toxic masculinity’ to work saving lives and rebuilding society. God bless the backbone of America: the hardworking men and women of the middle class!!

Do you know about the teenager who came down from her 2nd floor room to meet her date, wearing a see-through blouse. 

Grandmother was sitting in the living room and berated the girl that it was indecent to go out like that. 

The girl replied that Grandma should “get with it. Nowadays girls like to show off their ‘rosebuds'”, and went off on her date. 

The next night, same scenario, but this time grandma was sitting in the living room with nothing on from the waste up. The teenager, yelled, “Oh, Grandma, you can’t sit there like that! My date is coming!” 

To which Grandma replied, “Get with it, Honey. If you girls can show off your ‘rosebuds’, I can show off my ‘hanging baskets'” 

Michael: “I think that the cute little pharmacist down at the chemist is stuck up.”

Roy: “Why do you say that?”

Michael: “Well, I ask her out every month when I go in to get my herpes and hemorrhoid medicines, but she just looks at me like I’m a leper or something.”

And that’s it for today my friends.  I hope you had near the fun that I had putting this together.  May the Good Lord Bless us all with Love and Happiness until we can meet again.

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1 Response to Dragon Laffs #2159

  1. Stephanie says:

    Was feckin good

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