Dragon Laffs #2157


Today is Monday.
Well, today is Saturday, but you’re reading it on Monday.
We’re doing the whole time travel thing again.
But that’s okay, we’re special that way.
I’m especially infuriated right now.  There was an insurrection in Nashville yesterday of Trans people who attacked the Nashville courthouse.  And if that isn’t bad enough.  They were holding up 7 fingers, indicating 7 victims. 
But Impish!  Weren’t there only six people killed?  Three children and three adults.
Yes, dear campers.  You are absolutely right.  Which means that the Trans Morons are calling the shooter a victim by being shot by the police! 
So, you see…I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.

WHY ARE WE COWTOWING TO A POPULATION THAT AMOUNTS TO 3% OF THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SO OBVIOUSLY MENTALLY DERRANGED?!?!  Calling the shooter of innocent children a VICTIM?!  God has a very special place in Hell set aside for you!

AND WHY IS OUR GOVERNMENT NOT DENOUNCING THESE EVIL BASTARDS?!?

There is so much wrong with our country right now.  And they are arresting a past president, the only president who has done a damn thing to put this country back on the right path, for nothing!  They have weaponized our justice system and we’ve let them.  

Make sure you check out today’s Last Word, the Dragon has stuff to say.

This next one is from our fellow camper Leah…

Here in Utah, we went from extreme drought, to God’s giant gift of water preserved in snow. My friends live up in the mountains.  He stepped out the kitchen sliding doors on the top floor, to the deck, stepped over the deck banister, walked across piled snow, and stepped up on the garage roof to clean it off.  He used his chainsaw to cut through layers of ice hanging on his roof.  There are reports of collapsed roofs, lots of rescue stories.  

But it is worth it.  Man can figure out how to deal with snow removal and Spring Floods, but man can’t make water . . . Thank You God!

 

WOW: This is what 219% of normal snowpack looks like! ️ 🤯 

That’s the roofs of the Rock Canyon bathrooms and the top of the sign poking out underneath all that snow.

📍: Rock Canyon Campground, Utah

Just wow!  Thanks Leah!

Chiken eggs and ostrich egg on pan in grass

Holy Cow!  That’s almost as strong as a dragon’s bite!

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.

– Jimi Hendrix (1942 – 1970)

Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice.

But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, “I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough.”

“Well,” she asked, “how long did you cook it?”

“You’re supposed to cook it?” he said.

It’s really cool when dinner comes with it’s own toothpick.

All the democrats in Washington may have a chance after all.

The visiting minister was surprised when he went into the pulpit to find just one person in the congregation – an old farmer. He went down to him and said, “Is it worth proceeding?”

“What do you mean?” said the farmer.

“Well” said the minister, “is it worth having a service for such a small congregation?”

“When I take the bucket of food to the hens and only one turns up I don’t send it away hungry.”

Moved by this simple analogy, the minister went back to the pulpit and went through the whole service including a long and very forceful sermon. When he had finished he went down to the farmer and asked, “Was that alright?”

The farmer rather tersely replied, “When I take the bucket to the hens and only one turns up I don’t give it the whole bucket”.

LOVE and MARRIAGE 

Love is holding hands in the street. 
Marriage is holding arguments in the street 

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant. 
Marriage is Chinese take-out. 

Love is cuddling on a sofa. 
Marriage is deciding on a sofa. 

Love is talking about having children. 
Marriage is talking about getting away from children. 

Love is losing your appetite. 
Marriage is losing your figure. 

Love is a flickering flame. 
Marriage is a flickering television. 

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws. 
Marriage is “Don’t you think you’ve had enough?!” 

I was talking to my friend last night at a cafe about my 4 motorcycles, all the bikes have women’s names. 

An elderly couple entered and sat in the next booth. 

My friend asked me, “So which one are you going to ride tonight?” 

I responded, “I think I will ride Mary for about three hours, eat, rest a bit, then ride Vixen for 2 hours.” 

The man sitting next to us spewed his coffee. 

My friend continued, “When are you going to ride the others?” I said, “Well, Amy will get ridden all day Saturday if my butt doesn’t get too sore.” 

The wife of the old man raised her eyebrows and smiled at me. 

I continued, “Sunday I expect to ride Alice in the country over rough roads, she handles better than the others.” 

“How?” my friend queried. 

“Well I get going as fast as I can, grab her by the handles and hang on for dear life.” 

“Has she ever thrown you.” asked my friend 

“A couple of times. Which is why I wear a helmet.” 

The old man leered at me. 

“Where do you keep them?” my friend wondered aloud. 

“I keep them locked up in the garage. I don’t want anyone else to touch them but me.” 

Again the man’s wife looked at me and smiled. The man got red in the face. 

My friend asked, “You can only ride em one at a time, so can I ride one?” 

“Heck yes, as long as you have life insurance. These gals are rough and tough and give no quarter.” 

Also, I have to charge you 10 dollars an hour to cover the maintaince on these ladies.” 

“Do you kick them to get them started.” he asked. 

“No, I just choke them a bit, then fire them up. They warm up really fast.” 

“Okay here is 10 dollars, let’s go.” My friend summarizes. 

“Here is the key to unlock her.” 

The husband and wife fainted. 

Our Escape Room is the BESTEST!!!!!

Musings… 

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it. 

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. 

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. 

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic. 

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. 

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 

A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, “First let me see the sandwich.” 

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free? 

They told me I was gullible — and I believed them. 

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. 

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. 

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. 

What if there were no hypothetical questions? 

One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people. 

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail. 

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. 

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? 

My weight is perfect for my height — which varies. 

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure. 

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity. 

How can there be self-help “groups”? 

Is there another word for synonym? 

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?” 

The speed of time is one second per second. 

Is it possible to be totally partial? 

What’s another word for thesaurus? 

If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 

Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot? 

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? 

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off. 

It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. 

Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item — Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. 

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart  brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken,professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: “The right name is important.” 

So, here we go: 


 The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine: 

 12. Château Traileur Parc 
 11. White Trashfindel 
 10. Big Red Gulp 
 9.  Grape Expectations 
 8.  Domaine Wal-Mart “Merde du Pays” 
 7.  NASCARbernet 
 6.  Chef Boyardeaux 
 5.  Peanut Noir 
 4.  Château des Moines 
 3.  I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar! 
 2.  World Championship Riesling 

 And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Sparkling Wine … 

 1.  Nasti Spumante 

Q. What does a rattle snake and condom with a hole in it have in common? 

A. You don’t screw with either one of them. 

The Battle of Midway was considered a turning point in the war in the Pacific. If it wasn’t for code breaker Joseph Rochefort, the Japanese might have been unopposed, and they would have established a base on Midway. Rochefort was an avid crossword fan and worked as a cryptologist for the Navy. He cracked the complex “uncrackable” Japanese JN-25 code. Despite resistance from his boss, he told Admiral Nimitz that the Japanese were bringing a large fleet to Midway Island. Rochefort set a trap for the Japanese that proved he was right. As a result, the US navy was prepared, and the Japanese presence in the Pacific was severely weakened.

Coincidentally, two other crossword fans, a Brooklyn teacher and his wife, cracked the Zodiac Killer’s code.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.

There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Long ago there were two brothers Hing and Ming. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers!

The brothers decided to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken.

Hing immediately went back to the university. And, having boned up on ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the chicken for the two months.

Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves! Ming, aware of his brother’s lack of success, decided that the problem was quantity. He gathered whole cartloads of leaves, and brewed barrels of the tea, and nearly drowned the poor chicken over another two month period.

At the end of that time, the dismal chicken was still as naked as a bowling ball.

Moral: All of Hing’s courses, and all of Ming’s kin; couldn’t make gum tea re-feather a hen!

A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I haven’t had a bowel movement in a week!”

The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, “If it doesn’t work, let me know.”

A week later the guy is back: “Doc, still no movement!”

The doctor says, “Hmm, guess you need something stronger,” and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: “Doc, STILL nothing!”

The doctor, worried, says, “We’d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what’s going on. What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a musician.”

The doctor looks up and says, “Well, that’s it! Here’s $10.00. Go get something to eat!”

NEW WORDS FOR 2023: 
 Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere) 

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a Deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. 

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. 

3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. 

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. 

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles 

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on. 

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato. 

8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. 

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. 

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. 

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace. 

12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. 

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. 

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 

15. 404 : Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested site could not be located. 

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions. 

17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake) 

18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks. 

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm. 

Left is Right, Inc.
______________

The high percentage of people that play any type of sport, play right handed.

Whether golf, tennis, archery, or even pickle ball, the Lefties are ignored and on their own. Our new company, ‘Left is Right’ will help to correct that.

A little known fact to golfers is that all of the dimples on golf balls slant slightly to the right. This contributes to the ball’s common path to the right. We will produce two new golf balls that will greatly help to correct the problem afflicting 99.9% of the world’s golfers.

Our new ball will be available with either a mild or strong dimple slant to the left.

Compounding the problem with the current golfballs is the use of a right handed robot that conducts the hitting tests. We have also developed our own Left Handed robot in our secret testing facility in South Jersey. Located in a former Yugo car dealership, ‘LEFTY’ has been hitting thousands of our new golf balls into a greatly reinforced barrier net. Besides flying much straighter, our new balls travel 75% farther on average.

The introductory price of only $84.95 a dozen will be justified by the lower scores being turned in. Two of our newly designed golf pencils (With extra large erasers) will be packaged with every dozen balls and are sure to help produce lower scores.

After we have a sufficient number of investors, we’ll begin developing other products. Improved tennis balls with a left facing cover is high on our list. Our product line will be endless thanks to the high number of left handed sports minded people. We will continue to send updates on current and future products.

Regards,

EOJ IDNAL,
Chief Business Officer
Left is Right, INC

I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic, that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of …

To support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic.  That’s what it says and that’s what we swore.  And, as has already been established many times in this forum, my oath has not now, nor ever will expire, this is still in affect for me and every other Veteran and active duty member who is out there.  Okay, let’s put that as fact #1.

So, if China attacks us, I have an obligation to do what I can to defend this country, specifically, to support and defend it’s Constitution.  Pretty easy, pretty straight forward.

But, what about domestic enemies?  What about enemies who are obviously and openly doing everything they can to take away the powers and destroy the rights and the freedoms that we have under the Constitution? 

We know they are doing it.  They are being obvious about it.  Am I not fulfilling my oath by not doing what I can to defend my Constitution from them, whether or not they happen to be elected officials or even the Commander in Chief of the same military in which I serve?  Am I not now guilty of not fulfilling my oath of service?  Do I not have an OBLIGATION?

And I know someone is going to say that the oath continues to say that I also have an obligation to obey the orders of the officers placed over me.  But if I’m a retired Veteran, I no longer have any officers placed over me.  If I have been Honorably Discharged, I have no officers placed over me.

Where does my obligation lie?

It is worth thinking about and I would love to hear from the  other Vets out there who read this.  I say the other Vets, not to say that the rest of you don’t have a say, but you really don’t have a dog in this fight.  And if you have to ask me why not … well … that’s why.  If you have to ask, then that’s your answer.

I’m serious brothers and sisters.  Write to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and give me your opinion.  And until then…May God Bless us all with Love and Happiness and may He have mercy on our souls. 

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #2157

  1. John McDonald says:

    When you raise your right hand and swear to that, and then you think about what it says, it SHOULD make you think long and hard.

    Preferably BEFORE you take the oath.

    Somewhere I read that a veteran is a person that, at some time in his or her life, gave the United States a blank check up to, and including their life.

    And the oath does not have an expiration date such as when your agreed term of service is supposed to end.

    When you take that oath, you should know that it can be extended by the military/government at their option.

    I was not drafted.

    The draft stopped about 2 years before I was eligible.

    The draft (remember the lottery) about 6 or 8 numbers before it got to my next older brother.

    Although I don’t think his eyes would have let him pass the physical.

    However, he would not have gone to Canada or whatever.

    I remember Cassius Clay/Mohammed Ali refusing to be inducted. He was convicted and went to federal prison. He earned my respect by standing up for his beliefs and paying what it cost. My recollection is that it was basically at the high point of his career at that time.

  2. Leah D says:

    Not a Vet, but as you know, I feel I dropped the ball when I did not show up on Jan 6, with a gun, ready to fight.

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