One of my favorite headers and since I don’t have one picked out for this issue, I ran with an old favorite. I should make up one for the Superhero Museum that Izzy and I visited on Monday, but I just haven’t gotten to it due to being very busy and needing to get this issue out since this is a UTA weekend and me having to work. I’m trying like the dickens to get Saturday’s and Monday’s issue done soonest so that you guys have something to laugh about, when we all know there isn’t much to laugh at right now.
Our worthless president making ice cream jokes when he should have been talking about the shooting in Nashville, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg that is crashing into our country right now. I could honestly just cry. I promised (and so did many, many other men and women) to lay down MY LIFE for this country and THAT MAN and others of his ilk are trying to GIVE IT AWAY and turn it into a LAUGHING STOCK.
My heart hurts. It aches with the souls of those who fought and died for what it means to BE an American. He hasn’t a clue. None of them do. They really and truly don’t understand.
Okay, my friends. We MUST start laughing. We have to. It’s the only thing left us right now.
Okay, those guys are adorable!!!
This one is from Buddy Joe from NJ (who is also an Air Force and Navy Vet) (Just thought I’d throw that in)
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, “nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed but I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. We had sex, he fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
A two-foot putt… Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
Patient: “During my operation,I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word that upset me very much.”
Nurse: “What word was that?”
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted.
“My Mummy looked back once while she was DRIVING,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”
Old picture of me taking a bath when I was but a wee dragonette.
That is the honest truth.
Joe says this is an old classic, but through my laughter, I don’t think I’ve ever heard this one before, and I’m a pretty old classic myself.
Even if you aren’t a skier, you’ll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:
A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart. Conditions were perfect…12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over…the “tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn’t help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her, “The white will provide more than adequate camouflage.” So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing.
If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don’t move. Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving…even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees… somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere was still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.
The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital. While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. “So, how’d you break your leg?” she asked, making small talk.
“It was the darndest thing you ever saw,” he said. “I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn’t believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out- of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her ski pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift…so, how’d you break your arm?
A Chinese man flew to Las Vegas on a vacation trip. He took a taxi from Harry Reid International Airport to the Stratosphere Hotel.
On his way seeing a bus pass by, he told the taxi driver that in the U.S. buses run very slow but that in China buses run very fast.
After sometime, they passed under a railway bridge and saw a train passing overhead. The Chinese man then told the driver that the trains also run very slow here but that in China trains run very fast.
Throughout the journey he complained to the driver disparaging the U.S. at every point. However, the taxi driver kept quiet throughout the journey.
When the Chinese man reached his destination, he asked the driver what the meter reading was and his taxi fare.
The taxi driver replied that it was $137.57.
The Chinese man was shell shocked. He shouted, “Are you kidding? In your country buses run slow, trains run slow, everything is slow. How come the meter alone runs fast?”
To this the taxi bro calmly replied:
*”THE METER IS MADE IN CHINA”*
A repentant wife, a lost dog returned, and a house risen from the ashes can only mean one thing:
Someone is playing a Country and Western song backwards.
It’s a nice little island, out in the middle of the sea…
I just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
I went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.
The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”
I smiled and told him I was not paralyzed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!”
He was not amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”
I politely told him, “There’s nothing wrong with me.”
The Hindu sadhu came and said, “Son, you will walk on your legs today.”
I said, “Babaji, there’s nothing wrong with my legs.”
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of the Great Buddha, you will walk today!”
I had to tell him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the Seminar, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.
I believe in all Religions now!
I really liked this one. Thanks, Joe.
An 85-year-old man is having a drink at Bob’s Bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: “I’ll do anything you’d like.
Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game. I want $100, and there’s another condition.”‘
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.” The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars into her hand… He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly:
“Paint my house.”
Our needs change as we get older, and we tend to look for bargains.
A Londoner, pinched for drunken driving, was submitted to a new testing machine which registered a staggering percentage of alcohol in his breath.
“Your machine must be on the blink,” insisted the Londoner.
“My wife’s a teetotaler. Try it on her.”
The police obliged and again the machine showed alcoholic content far above the allowable level.
“Now I KNOW your machine’s out of order,” cried the driver. “To prove it, let our little baby blow into the thing.” The baby’s breath was sampled, and sure enough, proved high on the alcoholic side.
Sheepishly, the police tore up the complaint.
Driving triumphantly away, the Londoner told his wife, “That was one wonderful idea of yours to give the baby those two slugs of gin before we left the pub.”
A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. “Officer,” he asks, have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?”
“No I haven’t. What’s the problem?”
“The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!”
“Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?” the officer asks.
“Well, yes,” the barber replies. “He’s carrying one of his ears in his left hand.”
I would definitely buy that cellphone!
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this.
Modern Green Technology at its finest!
I got an email today with a poll that I found really, really interesting. The question was “What’s the current greatest threat to our country’s national security?”
Russia’s nuclear testing and threat of a western “target.”
China’s aggressive actions and military buildup.
Overseas terrorist groups like al Qaeda.
The domestic political squabbles that are dividing our nation.
Unconventional attacks such as cyber warfare, disrupting the power grid.
Now, on the other side of the following meme I’ll give you the results from the time that I took a copy of them and an explanation of WHO was doing the poll. I think THAT will surprise you as much as the responses.
Okay, so I lied, there were two memes. But, what do you expect from a dragon? So, here are the results…
And here’s the explanation… This is from the American Legion. Which means that all the responses are from Veterans. And THEY (WE) think we are our own worst enemy. And I agree 100%. With China being in second place. Every single one of those other issues are made WORSE because our own house is not in order. And it’s not in order because of really crappy leadership.
The American Legion is a great organization for Veterans. If you are a Vet and aren’t a member, why aren’t you? Seriously, I want to know why.
A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, “Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights.”
He goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, “I think this guy’s in the wrong place, look what he ordered!”
The cook says, “He wants 3 pancakes and 2 eggs sunny side up.”
“I get it,” replied the waiter. So on his way back out to the counter he takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.
He looks at it and says, “I didn’t order this!”
The waiter tells him, “I figured while you’re waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!”
A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire.
He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap.
After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, “You wanna screwdriver?”
He says, “Hell, we might as well. I can’t get this freaking hubcap off anyway.”
A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button.
Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin under the buttocks.
The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote.
Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:
1. Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack.
2. Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of cover story headlines.
3. Dad now surfs with two remotes.
Mom never complains
4. She never wants to cuddle anymore — it’s click, click, click, and she’s out the door.
5. The Baptists hurriedly draft an extra Commandment.
6. Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you’re looking at $1,000 to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your car.
7. The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming…
8. “Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache.”
9. Finally, size really *doesn’t* matter.
10. “I’m sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn’t paying attention… I’m sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn’t paying attention… I’m sorry…”
11. Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urge to shout your surgeon’s name.
12. Side effects? Who cares about… oh… *oh*… OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!!
13. In addition to “Mute” and “Favorite,” the wildly popular Radio Shack Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: “Big O.”
14. Men no longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their partner… errr, never mind.
I KNOW I’ve seen this picture somewhere before… I just KNOW IT! And then… I remembered the title, but not the author. I actually thought it was an old Heinlein novel, but it wasn’t. It was …
When lookin for a book, try Thrift Books app. I have ordered a few times and the books are in good shape with quick delivery.
Really liked two of these today.
The one about everyone having a past and the one about the American Legion survey.
We all claim to be ready, with guns, to protect our Constitution . . . yah, well, I wasn’t there, and didn’t see any of you at the January 6th attempt to overthrow illegal voting.