Dragon Laffs #2154


I think I told you about the monocular or little telescope that I bought as a present for myself.  If I didn’t, then consider yourself told.  Anyway, I can hook my phone up to it and take pictures.  I’m still getting used to it, but above is one of my first attempts.  We have a bald eagle’s nest in a field near our church.  It is about 200 yards out into a field.  The fence line to the field is right up against our parking lot and filled with …. well, look…

Moo-cows.  Lots and lots of moo-cows!  So, the only choice we have is to spy on them long distance.  And when the sun is shining, the adults are out soaring over the fields and the babies are just about ready to give it a shot!  I hope to get some decent pictures.

It’s fun at any rate.

So, let’s move on to the fun stuff.

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.

It seems the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”

Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”

A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets.

Someone asked her what the bracelet was for.

She replied, “I’m allergic to nuts and eggs.”

The person asked, “Are you allergic to dogs or cats?”

The little girl said, “I don’t know….. I’ve never eaten a dog or cat.”

At the end of Chuck Lorre’s shows, he has a quick vanity card where he puts…something.  His latest one I like a lot.

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #724

You cannot have my language.

It is my right to describe the world as I see it, using words of my choosing.

If those words offend you, too bad.

Be offended.

Or just simply ignore me.

My feelings will not be hurt.

Your feelings, on the other hand, are as fragile as a snot bubble leaking from a stupid child’s nose.

You understand why, as a writer and an essayist, why I like those words.

Even as a young dragon, my proclivities were quite apparent.  

We keep getting wonderful pictures from the Dragon Forest.

My backyard, in the rain, at night.  I love the way the light is playing off the wet bare branches.

My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments.

After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp.

I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, “I hate to tell you this, honey, but you’re trying to play a cheese slicer.”

A woman had a pet snake that she loved very much. The snake was about 7 ft long and one day it just stopped eating. After several weeks of trying everything the lady still couldn’t get the snake to eat. The woman took the snake to the vet and explained her situation. The vet replies “I see ..has your snake been sleeping with you at night or snuggling real close and stretching himself out?” The woman said “Yes. Everyday and it makes me so sad that I can’t help him feel better.” The vet says to the lady “Ma’am your snake is not sick. It has been preparing to eat you. He’s been sizing you up everyday so he knows how big he has to be. He’s not eating so he has enough room to digest you.
 
Moral of the Story:
Recognize the snakes around you. Everyone’s intentions aren’t pure. Just cause they seem close to you, doesn’t mean their intentions aren’t to devour you.
 
Some people aren’t PRAYING for you they’re PREYING on you!

Umm…wow!  I’ll be having nightmares tonight!

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”

The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don’t you cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”

As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.”

“Hmmm,” the younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did. “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”

“You’ve probably been doing too much extra work for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the elder doc said, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?

“Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.”

My quick react team at Dragon Laffs, Inc.

Bob is going on vacation and sees a golf course and a sign that says “Get help from a Pro.”

So Bob thinks to himself wow I can get some help with my golf game. So he goes there and says to the pro “I’m going to hit a couple of golf balls and then will you tell me what I’m doing wrong?”

The pro says “yeah sure.”

So Bob hits the first one and it goes to the right. Bob asks what he was doing wrong the pro says “loft”.

Bob thinks to himself “loft” what’s that? Bob says “oh well” and hits another one this one goes to the right and Bob asks the pro “What did I do wrong this time?”

The pro again says “loft”. Bob thinks to himself “loft again” and hits another ball this one goes about 50 yds high and 100 yds out on the fairway. So Bob asks “What did I do wrong that time?”

Again the pro says “loft”. This time Bob asks the pro what “loft” means. The pro answers: “lack of flippin’ talent”

A group of attorneys had to measure the height of a flag pole for evidence to support a lawsuit. 

They went out to the flagpole with ladders and a tape measure. 

They proceed to fall off the ladders and drop the tape measure, the whole thing was just a mess. 

An engineer comes along and sees what they’re trying to do. 

He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurements to one of the attorneys and walks away. 

After the engineer has gone, one attorney turns to another and laughs. “Isn’t that just like an engineer. We’re looking for the height, and he gives us the length” 

Two mothers were talking about their sons.

The first said, “My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.”

The other woman said, “Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.”

“My word,” the first mother said. “You must be so proud.”

“I am,” the second mother replied. “And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.”

What Do You Call A Woman Who Puts Her Diaphragm In Crooked?

Mother

Another oldie from out dear friend and fellow camper and traveler Joe from NJ.

A 65-year-old woman had a heart attack. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God

she asked “Is my time up .

God said, “No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants, and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing

the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had
another 33 years? Why didn’t you pull me from the path of the
ambulance?”

God replied: ” I didn’t recognize you.”

65 year-old having a heart attack and a near-death experience sounds so wrong to me!  I’M going to be 65 this year!  But, it’s weird, if I look inside, I’m about 17.  What the heck happened?  When did I get old?  It’s EXACTLY like they say, it goes by so fast.

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

     -Terence Alan Milligan KBE (1918 – 2002), known as Spike Milligan

Campers, that’s called Biological Warfare.  And the Fentanyl that is being sold to Mexico by China and smuggled across the border to the United States with the express purpose of killing Americans, that, my dear friends is called Chemical Warfare.  What your president is not telling you and probably will not admit to himself is that WE ARE ALREADY AT WAR WITH CHINA.  Those of us in the business know.  Hey, I DO THIS FOR A LIVING, FOLKS.  CBRN Survival Instructor.  CBRN = Chemical, Biological, Radioactive, and Nuclear.  Like I said, we are already at war.  We just aren’t fighting back.

It is infuriating to me that our government, the people that we put in charge of our country (and I know there are those of you out there who are screaming one of two things:  #1: I didn’t vote for him! or #2: He got in by cheating and shouldn’t be there anyway.  Put both of those to the side for the time being, because if that was really the case, we would have put him out on his butt by now) are doing everything they can to destroy this great country of ours.  It’s too many things in a row to be anything other than a purposeful destruction of our country.  It is so wrong.

Two rednecks meet in a bar and decide that they weren’t going anywhere in life, so they decide to go to college to get ahead.

They hop in a pickup and drive to the nearest university. While the second one waits out in the hall, the first goes in to one of the rooms and finds a professor who advises him to take Math, History, and Logic. “What’s Logic?” asks the redneck.

The professor replies, “Let me give you an example: Do you own a weedeater?”

“I sure do,” grins the redneck.

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replies the professor.

“That’s real good,” the redneck responds in awe.

The professor continues: “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house.”

Impressed, the redneck shouts “AMAZIN’!”

“And since you own a house, logic suggests that you have a wife.”

“Betty Mae… this is incredible!”

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” says the professor.

“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard of. I cain’t wait to take this here logic class.”

The first redneck, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway where his friend is waiting.

“So what classes are ya takin’?” the friend asks.

“Math,History, and Logic,” replies the first redneck.

“What in tarnation is Logic?” asks the friend.

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?”

“No,” says his friend. “You’re queer, ain’t ya?

A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.  “Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother’s meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it’s just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it’s the one you gave me. But it just didn’t come out right, and I’m so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf.  What could have gone wrong?” 

Her mother replied soothingly, “Well, dear, let’s go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we’ll figure it out.” 

“OK,” the bride sniffled. “Well, it starts out, ‘ Take fifty cents worth of ground beef ‘…” 

While on vacation, Little Johnny’s Daddy took one afternoon to see historic sites downtown.

Two young families were also in line to the see the sites.

Little Johnny struck up a conversation with one of the boys in line.

“My name is Kirby. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.

“Johnny”.

“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Pop do for a living?” asked the first boy.

Little Johnny replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”

“Honest?” asked Kirby.

Johnny replied, “No, just the regular kind.”

An old lady’s husband had just died and she felt their was no reason to live anymore.

She called the doctor and asked exactly where her heart was.

He told her it should be under her left breast.

That night she went to the emergency room with a bullet in the knee.

Awwww!!!!

Here’s another one from Joe from NJ who starts off with:

Impish, read a book many years ago that said there were no new jokes. Only old ones that keep cycling. This one is extremely old and was supposedly on a subway train:

On a step, a priest sat next to a drunk struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
“Do you know what arthritis is?”

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied: “It’s a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say.”

The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften: “How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don’t have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it really bad.”

Yup, a very old joke.  And I think you are quite right.  If you think about the jokes we tell, there really aren’t any NEW ones, just the same old ones retold in slightly new ways.  Thanks Joe.

That cat looks really irritated.  

Sitting here on Saturday morning, with the news on in the background, getting ready to go to a funeral for a member of the church.  I didn’t know him very well.  23 people killed in Mississippi from devastating tornadoes that went through last night.  Some of the pictures they are showing are truly horrendous.  Biden will send money to French students who are concerned with sex change operations before he will send money to Mississippi.  We pray that God is with all the people there in the coming days and helps them to get through this tragedy.

Chocolate factory in Pennsylvania explodes overnight killing two people.  Another tragedy.

Missile attacks on our bases in Syria.  Killing an American contractor and injuring several military personnel.  Attacks on our bases have increased dramatically since Biden has become president.  The Whitehouse’s reaction?  Well, these things happen.  We shouldn’t over react.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Until we make those places that launched the attack into parking lots they are just going to continue.  And when we actually apologize for them, they are going to multiply.  You weak minded, spineless idiot!

I could just cry.  It is actually bringing a tear to my eye as I write this.  I am so frustrated.  Not only with the incredibly weak leadership being demonstrated in our country, but the fact that the other members of my once strong country are just sitting by and letting it all go on.  And even worse, the insane democratic morons who actually AGREE with what he is doing.  

Okay, I want to end with this one, also from Joe from NJ.  It’s called:

What are ten truths everyone should accept in life?

The most important thing you will ever learn is how to manage your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
Your life will pass faster than you realize. Don’t wait for “someday” to take action on what is really important to you.
Care for your body and mind like the temple it is. You only get one of each for each trip through life.
Life is short and then you die. No one will remember you in a few generations, or even sooner. Therefore, stop trying to make others happy, and focus on what enriches your life and the life of those around you.
Your thoughts are not the truth. Don’t listen to the negative crap in your head. It’s not true.
Life is magical and beautiful. This isn’t necessarily true, but adopting this perspective will enhance the quality of your life and train you to find the good in life.
You will fail. You will lose people you love. You will be hurt and betrayed by people you have trusted. Don’t let any of this define you. Be defined by Who You Really Are – your deepest truth and values.
Speaking of values – KNOW YOURS and design your life accordingly.
Having a clear mission and purpose increases life satisfaction.
Relationships = longevity. Cultivate a happy, healthy, loving support network by being the kind of person that others want to be around.

Thank you Joe.  That one hit me really hard.  It really did.  Thanks.

And thanks to all of you for tuning in today.  May God Bless you all  with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

 

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #2154

  1. Leah D says:

    “thigh fold” is the name of those lines: at .09

  2. David Dixon says:

    The headline said, “US to send Abrams to Ukraine”. So disappointed when I read the article and found out they were talking about tanks.

  3. John McDonald says:

    Actually, federal assistance has already been announced for Mississippi.

    Has been a response to the attack, then another attack, and, I think, a response to that.

    I heard someone say that, as the attackers are Iran backed, we should attack Iran.

    I disagree.

    We don’t have the assets nearby to do that.

    Yes, I know about CBRN.

    Respectfully, I disagree with your position on what China is doing with the fentanyl.

    I think it is for the money.

    I think they started it that way.

    However, they have to be happy with the other parts.

    And I still don’t see why politicians won’t build a good FENCE between the US and Mexico.

    That would be cheaper than the wall and, if built the way I plan, much more effective.

    It would not stop the tunneling, but one problem at a time.

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