Good Saturday Morning.  Yesterday was Mary’s Birthday.  Happy Birthday my truest love.  I love you and miss you, but know you are in total joy and bliss.  I can’t wait to see you again,  Now, true in advertising, I’m writing this on Thursday night.  IF you are reading this, then odds are that I made it through Friday alright.  From the front end on Thursday, I’m already teary-eyed and upset.  It’s late and I don’t want to go to bed because then I have to go to sleep.  If I go to sleep then I have to wake up.  And if I wake up then it will be Friday and Friday is Mary’s birthday.  She would have been 55 years old.  

I really thought it would’ve been easier this year.  

Anyway, here’s to hoping you guys are reading this on Saturday.  In the meantime, let’s get some laughs going.

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing, when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me?”

“Come on, God, give me a break!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago, I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!”

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my handbag under the seat.

Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me.

One man handed me my purse, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my handbag. “We’re required to inventory lost wallets and hanbags,” he explained.

“I think you’ll find everything there.” As I started to put my belongings back into the bag, the man continued, “I hope you don’t mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we’d like to see just how you do it.”

I took my 4 year-old son Josh, out to McDonald’s for dinner one evening for a “guy night”.

As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked “Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?”

I responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat.

He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought.

Finally, Josh looked up and said, “Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever.”

It sounds silly, but I’ve actually had it happen to me.  That exact same issue.  My check bag was two pounds over weight.  I had to take two pounds worth of stuff out and put it on my carry-on.

“You little witch!  You come back here right now!  Those are MY GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!!”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.  You have zero credibility buddy.

Mine has a much angrier attitude…

It’s always the darn Bobs of the world that cause all the problems!

Have you guys seen “Jesus Revolution”?  I saw it last week.  I can’t remember if I told you guys about it or not.  Great movie.  I really enjoyed it.  I laughed, I cried.  It was fun.  In that vein, there is a real, live Jesus Revolution going on in our country right now.  It’s not very large or strong, but it is happening.  It’s growing and getting stronger.  Here’s another example:

New Reports of Revival, 21 Baptisms at Purdue – Evangelist Chastises Critics, ‘God Is Moving, It’s Just Starting’

As the flames of the Holy Spirit continue to spread across the nation, there are new reports of young people answering the gospel’s call. And one noted evangelist says he believes “it’s just starting.”

As CBN News reported, it all started as a spark on the campus of Asbury University, where thousands of Christians gathered for two weeks of Spirit-led worship, prayer, and repentance.  The outpouring has since touched the hearts and minds of young people on both Christian and secular university campuses, churches, and youth events. 

One place where the outpouring is being felt is Purdue University in West Lafayette, Indiana. At a recent meeting, 300 students came to join the Collegiate Day of Prayer simulcast from Asbury in Wilmore, Kentucky. Dr. Malachi O’Brien posted to Twitter on Wednesday that the students brought in a pool for what they thought would be three baptisms – instead 21 people came forward to be baptized.

In an email to CBN News, Pastor Dave Shockey of the Purdue Christian Campus House gave even more details about what happened on the Boilermaker campus. 

“A week before the National Day of Prayer, some of our student leaders were thinking about going to Asbury, but felt like God asked them to stay at Purdue and do an event here. They asked me what I thought, and we’ve hosted prayer and worship events a bunch of different times for the NCDOP (National Collegiate Day of Prayer) over the years. We quickly pulled together an event,” Shockey recalled. 

“Several ministries at Purdue joined together for the night, especially Campus House (my church), Greek InterVarsity, and Chi Alpha who decided to cancel their big meeting and join the collaborative prayer and worship event. We had students from a lot of other churches and ministries there as well including Cru, BYX, and Stewart cooperative. We also had some pastors from Indianapolis join, as well as 420 ministries in Indy who led worship for the first half of the night,” the pastor explained.

“We had a couple of students who’d recently met the Lord through our Alpha ministry want to get baptized so we had scheduled part of the night for their baptisms,” he continued. 

“The night was focused on reflecting and praising God for how good he was. We talked about baptism and baptized the students who had planned to be baptized. Made an invitation for any others who wanted to be baptized and a line started to form. We baptized about 8-10 more people and had to pause so we could keep worshipping and praying. Students shared testimonies and praises. Other students led corporate repentance and prayer,” Shockey recalled.  

“It was really sweet, but the baptisms just didn’t stop. By the end of the night, we’d baptized at least 21 people but we’re not completely sure the whole number because many pastors and leaders from different congregations were baptizing their people,” the Campus House pastor said. 

“It was a wild night. All said and done we prayed and worshipped for more than 4.5 hours and God moved,” he concluded.  

“It’s Spreading” 

Don’t think the revival is continuing? Just ask evangelist Nick Hall. He recently told Charisma News (CN) during an exclusive interview that the revival is not gone, “it’s spreading.”

“God is moving. It’s not over. It’s just starting,” Hall said. “I only left Asbury because I felt like I had to bring it home.”

Like Hall, many people who visited Asbury felt rejuvenated and renewed by the Holy Spirit. They understood the urgency that this outpouring is not meant to die—it is meant to spread, according to the CN. 

“Literally that day we changed our plans for an event in downtown Minneapolis,” Hall explained. “I’m calling my charismatic friends asking them to mentor me now, help me understand all the miracles I’m seeing… because the Holy Spirit is just so on the move.”

Hall and his Pulse ministry held an event in downtown Minneapolis, Minnesota. More than 600 people showed up at the impromptu worship service that ran 53 hours and was filled with repentance, healing, literal addictions being broken, and marriages being healed, he recalled. 

“I’m just seeing this breakout everywhere,” Hall told the CN. “You can’t end revival, revival isn’t owned by anyone, and it didn’t start by anyone. It’s a move of God, and if anything, on Thursday night, there was a release of what God had started and it had already spread.”

In a video message posted to Facebook on Monday, the evangelist is encouraging all churches to go see the Jesus Revolution movie because he believes “it’s a playbook” for how God wants to send revival to the U.S. again. He said our busyness and our plans are in the way of revival. 

“God is at work,” Hall shared. “And when God is at work, you just have to stay attuned, and in tune with the Spirit. And just keep your sails up to say, ‘God, Would you move. Would you have your way. Would you do what only you would do.'”

“I believe this is a revival moment,” he said. “I believe it’s just starting. I believe we are on the brink of more. And I think everywhere people are hungry, God is willing to move.

My wife and I were watching a show on The Discovery Channel titled, “A Dog’s World.” 

One segment focused on dogs practice of urinating everywhere to define who they are and whose territory it is, among many other things. “Basically,” the narrator said, “dogs are leaving each other messages.” 

I looked at my wife and said, “So I guess we could call it p-mail.” 

• The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest.  
  • You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.”  
    • T.S. Elliot

• “At age 20, we worry about what others think of us;  
  • at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us; …
  • at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.”  
    • Ann Landers

• “The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget.”  
  • • Unknown

• “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, 
  • but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.”  
    • Andy Rooney

• “The older I get, the better I used to be.”  
  • • Lee Trevino

• “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, 
  • and then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for their final exam.”  
    • George Carlin

• “Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, 
  • it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does.”  
    • J. Norman Collie

• “To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, 
  • except exercise, get up early, or be respectable.”  
    • Oscar Wilde

• “The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.”  
  • • Will Rogers

• “We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – 
  • more and more repairs and replacements are necessary.”  
    • C.S. Lewis

• “Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.”  
  • • Jennifer Yane

• “I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued.”  
  • • Bill Dana

• “The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.”  
  • • Mark Twain

• “Old people shouldn’t eat healthy foods.  
  • They need all the preservatives they can get.”  
    • Robert Orben

The Stairway to Heaven

Comedians say some funny things…

George Carlin:  

• Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? 

Zach Galifianakis: 

• I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.     

Joan Rivers:  

• The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

Amy Schumer:  

• Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I’ve never woken up and been like, “What is this Pilates mat doing out?” 

Emo Philips: 

•  I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.    

Jerry Seinfeld:  

• A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

Richard Pryor: – I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying until I get it right.

Jean Carroll:  

• The thing that attracted me to my husband was his pride. I’ll never forget the first time I saw him, standing up on a hill, his hair blowing in the breeze — and he too proud to run and get it.

Bill Hicks:   

• Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full-time job and children.

Ali Wong:  

• If I ever do a nude scene, I want to be in shape just enough so nobody calls me “courageous” for doing it.

Steven Wright:  

• I went to a place to eat. It said “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Wanda Sykes:   

• To me, political office should be like jury duty. You should just get a notice in mail one day and be like, “I’m Secretary of State next month!”

Mitch Hedberg:  

• I like an escalator, man. Because an escalator cannot break. It just becomes stairs.

Chris Rock:  

• Yeah, I love being famous. It’s almost like being white, y’know?

Tig Notaro:  

• I was one of those kids that finished school early… by dropping out. 

Rodney Dangerfield:  

• I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.

Demetri Martin:  

• I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.

Janeane Garofalo:  

• My hell is going to be the Stairmaster wing of Dante’s inferno, where they’re going to tape my feet to the pedals and the only music I get is Michael Bolton karaoke-style.

Ricky Gervais:  

• I’ve never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don’t sit on a wall if you’re an egg.

As a man was about to stop off for a cold one after work, he noticed a nun trying to look in the small window. Being friendly he asked her if she’d like to go in and see what the place looks like.

“I don’t think I should” she replied.

He explained that he would be with her and she’d learn about it.

Reluctantly she went in and they sat at a table in a dark corner. The man asked if she’d like to have a drink.

“I’d like to try a Martoony that I’ve heard about she replied.

The man went to the bar and ordered. “I’ll have a cold beer and one ‘Martoony’.

The bartender looked at him and said: “MARTOONY?” “Is that darn nun in here again?”

 

Two little old ladies, Connie, and Jean were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The short one, Jean, leaned over and said, “Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I’d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show”!
“You’re on!” said Connie, holding up a $10 bill.
So, Jean slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes.
She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.☺
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling Jean came through the exit door to the sounds of a cheering, clapping crowd.
“What happened?” asked Connie.
“I won $1,000 as 1st prize for ‘Best Dried Arrangement’!”
Life is short…
Break the rules 

 

Okay, so I feel dirty just reading that.  That’s gotta be wrong.

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. 

“Don’t you want her name engraved upon it?” asked the jeweler. 

The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Girl. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.” 

As a history buff, I was looking forward to staying in a hotel in Salisbury, England, that dated back to the 13th century. 

But when I arrived, the hotel clerk gave me some bad news–my room was in the new section. 

Disappointed, I asked when the ‘new’ section had been built. 

“In the 1600s,” she replied apologetically. 

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.  

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.  

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. – 

She walked up to the group and with a big smile asked, “Do you men know Jesus Christ?” 

They shook their heads and looked at each other.  

One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?” 

One of the steelworkers asked why. 

The worker yelled, “His wife is here with his lunch”. 

Here’s an oldie from our own resident oldie, Joe from NJ.  (Sorry Joe, I couldn’t help myself.) (LOL!)

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again beared down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past. 

Our golfer said “Yes, she ran into the woods.” 

The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady. He said, “Yes, they ran that way through the woods.” 

The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, “Hey, what’s going on?” 

The guy explained, “You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and fuck.” 

The golfer then asked, “Well what’s the bucket of sand for?” 

The guy in the white coat said, “Oh, that’s my handicap. You see, I caught her last time!” 

And how many of you out there remember who that is?  What show he was on?

A hospital posted a notice in the nurse’s lounge saying: “Remember, the first five minutes of a human being’s life are the most dangerous.”

Underneath, a nurse had written: “The last five are pretty risky, too.”

And with that thrilling picture in our heads…if you’re older…we’re going to call it a day.  I’ve made it to noon on Friday.  Think I’ll take Izzy out to lunch and then when I come back, start on Monday’s issue.  So far today, so good.  Thanks for being there for me today, my dearest friends.  I really do appreciate all of you.  You have helped.  Each and every one of you being there.  I can feel each one of you on the other end of this keyboard.  I know you are there.  Thank you, with all my heart.  For now, may our Father in Heaven bless you with Love and Happiness until next we meet.