It was a dark and stormy night…the implication being that it’s ALWAYS a dark and stormy night. That everything that bad happens on a dark and stormy night. Well, sometimes good things happen on dark and stormy nights and sometimes bad things happen on bright and sunny days.
I’m not sure what made me think of that. As a writer, you use a trope to get yourself going sometimes and I’ve often volleyed “It was a dark and stormy night” through my head to get me going. Usually with a smile on my face. That normally starts me down a path and I can begin writing what’s on my mind.
Today, all it got me writing about was … writing. And I’m not sure why.
Perhaps writing is on my mind. Stream of consciousness kind of stuff.
Perhaps nothing is on my mind and I’ve got nothing to say at all. That’s happened before.
Or perhaps, something is weighing so heavily on my mind, that it can’t find room to squeeze out of my fingers.
Nah!
I’m probably just taking up space until we can get to the good stuff. That ought to be about right. So, let’s go!
That’s just wrong in so many ways.
Funny as heck, but wrong.
CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed, I couldn’t speak for an hour..
PETER : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life…
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??
This one is subtle…
Having finally won her heart, Quasimodo marries Esmerelda.
Quasimodo comes home from a hard day of ringing bells and his wife has made a delicious stir-fry.
“Great!” he says.
Next night he comes home from work, and it’s stir-fry again.
“Just as delicious as last night,” he says.
Next night — stir-fry again. “Tastes great, but I’m getting kind of sick of stir-fry again,” he says.
Next night — stir-fry again.
“Listen,” he says, “tomorrow make whatever you want, as long as it’s not stir-fry.”
Next day he leaves work early (asking an assistant to ring vespers for him) so that he can catch her before she begins cooking. He walks in the front door and there she is, taking the wok down off the rack.
“Aha!” he says. “You’re going to make stir-fry again!”
“Don’t be silly,” she says. “I’m going to iron your shirts.”
“Mom! He’s touching me! He’s touching me!”
A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork? “
The rabbi responds, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”
The priest then asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the rabbi replies, “Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?”
The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, “Beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”
A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
“Murphy,” he asked, “How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?”
“Ten” said Murphy.
So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job. It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over.
“Murphy,” he said. “I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 left over!”
“Dat’s funny,” said Murphy. “So did I.”
The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet.
The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.
“That’s OK with me, honey,” says her husband. “I’ll go get some wood for the fire.”
About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.
“What on earth happened to you dear?” he asks.
“Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don’t allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!”
“Damn those trouble-makers! I’ll fix them!” the husband shouts.
He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.
“Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!” he shouts.
A huge redneck, about 6′-8,” steps forward, a shotgun in his hand.
“I did it,” he bellows. “What you got to say about it?”
The husband answers meekly, “I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry.”
“If you kids can’t behave yourselves and keep your hands to yourselves, then you’re going to be in SO MUCH trouble!!”
At a recent dinner party, one of the guests, a particularly obnoxious male guest, who was overly impressed with his financial status and bragged about it to anyone who would listen, tried to make some clever
remarks.
When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked, and thinking he was being witty, asked loudly, “Is this pig?”
Another guest, sitting at the table, commented quietly,
“That depends on which end of the fork you’re referring to?”
The Queen of England was visiting a hospital and she stopped by one of the beds to speak to the man lying there.
“What is wrong with you, sir?” she asked the man. “I got a wart on my balls,” he replies, much to the astonishment of the nurses.
One of the nurses immediately rushes over to him. “You can’t say that to the queen!” the nurse shouts.
“Well what should I have said then?” replies the man.
“Something like you have a bruise on your back, or a cut on your arm, or a graze on your knee. Anything but ‘I have a wart on my balls’!” answers the nurse.
Two months later, Princess Anne is visiting the same hospital, and just happens to pass the same bed, with the same man in it.
“What is wrong with you, sir?” asks the princess.
“Um, I have a bruise on my back,” replies the man.
“Oh,” the princess answers, “I’m so glad to hear that your balls are better…I’ll tell the queen.”
Two men were discussing cars and one of them mentioned he had once owned a Rolls-Kinardly.
“What is a Rolls-Kinardly?” his friend asked.
“That is a car that rolls down one hill and kin hardly get up the next.”
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”
A father, son and grandfather went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.
She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away, and asked the trio whether she could join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, “Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-colour stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, and consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots.”
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to hit first.
All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent over to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father’s mouth was agape.
“That was beautiful,” he said..
The blonde put her driver away and said, “I really didn’t get into it, and I faded it a little.” After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the pin.
The son said, “Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.”
The blonde frowned and said, “It was a little weak, but even a soft seven would have been too much club. I’ve left a tricky little putt.”
She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honours, she hit first on the second hole, knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away, smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, “I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course…
… If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner, and then show him a very good time for the rest of the night.”
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, “Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.”
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb, “Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback so it falls into the cup.”
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde’s ball, picked it up, handed it to her and said, “That’s a gimme, sweetheart.”
The blonde smiled and said, “Your car or mine?”
Yeah, that ain’t happenin’
Today I tested positive for Sickofthisshit-23. There’s no cure and I may or may not be contagious.
Teacher shortage, Police shortage, Border agent shortage. Let’s hire 87,000 IRS agents and fix everything!
My guess is that if a dead body was found in the trunk of Hillary’s car, the FBI would ask Trump why he did it.
A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. “Excuse me, good sir,” the horse says, “are you hiring?”
The manager looks the horse up and down and says, “Sorry, pal. Why don’t you try the circus?”
The horse nickers. “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.
“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born in The Andes where I herded for an entire village. Years later, I joined the mounted police force in New York and helped keep the city clean. And now, I spend my days giving free rides to underprivileged kids here in the country.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the horse’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of such an incredible animal?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
Q. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe?
A. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.
A pony goes to the doctor and tells him, “Doc, I think I’m dying. I have this terrible sore throat.”
The doctor assures him, “It’s okay—you’re just a little horse.”
A horse sits down in a movie theater and the woman next to him asks, “Excuse me… are you a horse?”
“Why yes, I am,” replies the horse.
“What are you doing at this movie?”
The horse says, “I really liked the book.”
Q: Which side of a horse has more hair?
A: The outside
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse says, “Buddy—you read my mind!”
Well, I gather I didn’t have much to say at all today my friends. I hope you all had a great weekend. Love and Happiness to you all. I have a BIG Exercise Weekend coming up, so there is no telling what issues will be published over the next week. There will be something, I’m just not sure what. But, I will keep you informed the best that I can.
Dragon Laffs 