Good Morning Campers,

Have you noticed, on this Thursday morning, that a bunch of the headers lately have been unusual type pictures with me in the picture somewhere?  All of those pictures were jigsaw puzzles that I did while bored or waiting.  It seemed a shame to not do something with the pictures.  Just thought I’d say.  Anyway…

This may be the last issue this week.  Got a big, BIG exercise this weekend.  Working like killer hours.  Maybe 12 to 14 hour shifts or longer.  I’ve got classes to teach and inspections to conduct.  I’m going to be one busy dragon.  I can hardly wait.  Did you detect the sarcasm in my voice?

Sooooo…..

Anyway, you now know what’s going on this weekend.  Now, let’s get going with the fun stuff.

If a woman is chugging chocolate chips straight out of the bag in the baking aisle at the grocery store, I suggest you just let her be.

Bumped into a mannequin and said, “Sorry.”  And then said, “Oh, I thought you were a person.”  Then I realized I was still talking to a mannequin.

This.  I’m this level of awkward.

I just accidentally put a laundry basket down on the Lego ship that my 7 year-old spent all day building.  I brought it to him and said, “Buddy, I broke your ship; I didn’t see it and I sat something on it.  I’m so sorry.”

His eyes widened in shock and he said, “Oh man, that took me a really long time to build.  I just finished it!”

After a moment, I softly asked, “Are you mad?”

His response brought me to tears.

He took a deep breath and said, “I want to be mad, but yesterday when I broke your favorite plate, you didn’t get mad at me.  You said it was just a plate and you didn’t make me feel bad.  I know you liked that plate as much as I liked this ship.

It’s okay, mom.  I can rebuild it.”

My heart is melting.

You know, I just realized that I can tell my kids all day long what kind of people I hope they will be.  I can ask them to be loving and kind, but in the end, they will be what I’ve shown them to be not what I told them to be.

Last year, we opened our Incan branch of Dragon Laffs, Inc.  Aptly named Dragon Laffs-Inca, Inc. And we installed a mechanical Quetzalcoatl as CEO.  He managed to stand up for about 9 months and then was overthrown by some ancient Aztec Indians that, having foreseen this in a past magical seeing spell, came forward in time through a portal specifically to defeat their ancient foe.  When they came forward in time and found out that their enemy was a mechanical creation instead of a living, breathing god, they were so disappointed they tore him into tiny pieces, picked up pizza, beer, backgammon boards, and returned to their own time frame.

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.  However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said.  “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

The only one I’m not sure about is the Cofee Brick.  The other two choices sound great!

The Masochist says: BEAT ME!

The Sadist says:  “No.”

The greatest minds are capable of the greatest vices as well as of the greatest virtues.

– Rene Descartes (1596 – 1650)

“Peek-a-Boo!”

I’m not going to call it anything but a Mimsy from here on out.  That’s so much better than “your flaps”.  And any man who says, “you stink like a kipper” has only moments to live.  Mimsy…that’s adorable.  

I arrived early to the restaurant and the manager said, “Do you mind waiting a bit?”
I said, “No.”
“Good,” he said.  “Take these drinks to table nine.”

An older woman’s voice was heard in the darkened theater, “Please, is there a doctor in the house?” 

Several men stood up as the lights came on. 

The older lady pulled her daughter to her feet and said, “Are any of you doctors interested in a date with a nice, single, Jewish girl?” 

Umm…?

And here’s an oldie and it’s a math joke…so, you gotta love that, right?  Thanks Joe for sending this one along.

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn’t there if he can buy her a drink. The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine’s Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, “I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?” 

The mathematician replies, “Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there.” 

The bartender raises his eyebrows. “Really? Interesting. But couldn’t you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know –she might say yes.” 

The mathematician laughs. 
“Yeah, right — how likely is THAT to happen?” 

A married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach for his corporation. After a few days, he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation. 

Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend, “Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress.” 

His friend was quick to wire back, “Your wife and I are arriving tomorrow at 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?” 

If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in the war between Good and Evil, your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

Wow.  The advertisers really didn’t think much of women, did they?

Out of all the Martial Arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.

Another of my baby pictures.

The love of liberty is the love of others; the love of power is the love of ourselves. 

— William Hazlitt (1778 – 1830) 

I hope, when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

Everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes the reason is you’re stupid and make bad decisions.

Here’s a little something extra…

I REALLY want to know how this happened.  I mean, the lid is in the ceiling, for crying out loud!

That one looks pretty exciting, too.

What the heck is that?!

I don’t care what the directions say, ALWAYS use a pan!

I knew I forgot something!  Didn’t the smell or the smoke give it away?  Or the smoke alarm?

Okay, so normally this issue would be way over by now, but since we probably won’t have a Saturday issue and maybe not even a Monday issue because of my crappy upcoming exercise this weekend, we might as well push this one a little further and find out how Calvin’s leaf collection works out, don’t you think?

Wow!  Calvin could so be the Whelpling.  I swear.  Did I ever tell you guys how I had poison control calling and checking up on him?  True story.
Anyway, time to call it an issue.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.