Good Morning Campers and welcome to Saturday!

I know, it took us long enough to get here, but we finally did!  It’s been a LONG week.  Even with one of the days being a holiday!  It didn’t help that I went to yet ANOTHER funeral this week.  A guy that I used to play darts with.  45 ish years old and dropped dead of a heart attack.  Now, truth be told, I think he may have had some heart issues to begin with, but still!  Way too many people are dying lately.  It’s almost as if someone, somewhere has it all planned out.  Gee, ain’t that what we’ve been talking about?

I guess it’s okay when it’s not people you know, but it kind of sucks when it comes to people you are close to.  Makes you start to think about your own mortality and whether you’re ready or not.  I’m right with my Father in Heaven, but I’m not ready.  Not that I’m not anxious to get caught back up with some certain loved ones that I’m missing an awful lot, but some people that I know and care an awful lot about are NOT right with the Lord and need to get that way.  And that has laid a burden upon my soul.  How many of you campers out there are saved?  How many of you have accepted Jesus as your savior?

I know that is not our normal conversational topic, and I’m not going to belabor the point, but look around you at the world we are living in.  You can’t deny that things are coming to a head.  Get yourselves right.  And if you want to talk, you’ve got my email.

Now, …

This next one is from Stephen B. who has this to say about it:  Here are 5 bunnies that I carved for Easter…..(actually done well before time).  One for each of both of my granddaughters, daughter-in-law, wife and one extra.

And this one is: Dragon Sculpture At The Town Hall In The Northern Part Of Marienplatz In Munich, Bavaria, Germany

Disgusted man at a bar: “My girlfriend is such a cheat and a liar. I’ve been going with her almost a year now, and I never would have known she was married until my wife mentioned it just the other day.”

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes.

She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.

She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally.

To make sure she doesn’t get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot’s neck.

A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father’s collar, wolf whistles, and says, ”I see she caught you at it, too.”

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. “How did I get here, Mommy?” she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, “God sent you, Honey.”

“And did God send you too, Mommy?” she continues.

“Yes, Sweetheart, he did.”

“And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads too?”

“Yes,Honey, all of them, too.”

The child shakes her head in disbelief. “Then you’re telling me there’s been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!”

We need this menu in more places!!!

I’m wondering if that would really work or not…seriously.

“I can’t tell if those are fairies, lighting bugs, mosquitos with flashlights, or what they are, but I think I ought to burn them out of the sky just to be safe!”

But you did notice that the tag that said “Remove child before washing” was made in China, right?  Although it was written in English … so … I’m not sure where to go with that one.

See, and I think that’s perfectly fine and Mary and Izzy both thought that was the worst thing ever!

QUESTION:

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

LIBERAL ANSWER:

Well that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion. I really need to feel this person’s pain. Uggggggh! Arggghhh!

CONSERVATIVE ANSWER:

BANG!

Even faster than it takes you to type it, my friends.

I had Alexa play all of these for Izzy and I was surprised when she recognized about half of them.  I of course, could sing along with all of them.  Not that that was really a good thing, mind you.  On my music I have all but two of these.  And you can probably guess which two.  Number 2 and 6.  The only reason I have number 9 is that it was the theme to my Junior prom in 1976.  I think.  Why do I seem to remember now that it was something from Cat Stevens…?  Man, it sucks getting old!

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too.

Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I’m not an atheist.”

Then, asks the teacher, “What are you?”

“I’m a Christian.”

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

“Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian.”

The teacher angrily says, “That’s no reason.” “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

She paused, smiled and said, “Then, I’d be an atheist.”

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. 

The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. 

The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn’t take it any longer. 

“Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?” 

The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.” 

“What was that?” the old man asked. 

Again the boy responded, 

“Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.” 

“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you’re saying.” 

The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!” 

Just Fairies!

There’s an oversexed lady named Whyte, 
Who insists on a dozen a night. 
A fellow named Cheddar, 
Had the brashness to wed her… 
His chance of survival is slight. 

It is truly amazing what you will find in the Dragon Forest.

Bar Translations

What they really mean…

“No, really, I’m OK to drive.” — I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

“I’m not used to these darts.” — I’m not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

“Let’s go out to my car and get some cigarettes.” (male to female) — You would look great face down in my lap.

“You get this one, next round is on me.” — We won’t be here long enough to get another round.

“I’ll get this one, next one is on you.” — Happy hour is about to end…. now beers are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.

“I haven’t seen you around here for a long time.” — You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??

“Hey, where is that friend of yours?” — I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

“Let’s get out of here.” — I just dumped half a jug of beer into that Harley guy’s helmet.

“Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (female) — I’m  easy.

“Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (male) — I’m gay.

“Ever try a body shot?” (male to female) — I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

“Ever try a body shot?” (female to male) — If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?

“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female) — You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (male) — I’m horny.

“I’ve had like 10 beers already.” — I’ve only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

“Who’s got the next round?” — I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

“Excuse me.” (male to male) — Get the fuck out of the way.

“Excuse me.” (male to female) — I am going to grope you now.

“Excuse me.” (female to male) — Don’t even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.

“Excuse Me.” (female to female). — Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that hot, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho…Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.

“I’m out of here, I have to work in the morning.” — I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding him since football season.

“What do you have on tap?” — What’s cheap?

“You go ahead, I’ll catch a cab.” — I already lined up a ride home with your “ex”.

“That person looks really familiar.” — Did I sleep with him/her?

“Can I just get a glass of water?” (female) — I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

“Can I just get a glass of water?” (male) — It’s 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking an hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.

“Do you have any Wild Turkey?” — I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.

“I don’t have my ID on me.” (female) — I’m 19.

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see his doctor.  

The doctor asked him all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc.,when the veterinarian interrupted him, saying, “Hey look, I’m a vet – I don’t need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what’s  wrong just by looking. Why can’t you?” 

The doctor nodded, looked him up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to him and said, “There you are.  Of course, if*that* doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put down.” 

Here’s an oldie but goodie

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. 

“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?” 

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your face and hands.” 

He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, Are my testicles black?” 

Again the nurse replies, “I can’t tell. I’m only here to wash your face and hands.” 

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong. 

“Sister,” he mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” 

Being a nurse of long standing, the sister was undaunted.

 She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, “Nothing wrong with them!!!” 

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, “Are my test results back??? 

I wouldn’t have thought that a horse funeral would have been that popular.

I returned to my parents’ home to attend a funeral. At the temple, my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar. 

“Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?” she asked as she left me in his company. 

I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He was the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my grandmother’s funeral. 

“It’s good to see you again, Rabbi,” I said. “Though I wish it weren’t always under such tragic circumstances.” 

The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation before he was called away. A few minutes later, I rejoined my mother. 

“Imagine,” she whispered, “after all this time, to run into the rabbi who performed your wedding!” 

Okay, I have to admit that this one made me laugh really hard…and I think it’s because it’s something that I can see myself saying.

8am: Too tired to think.

Noon: Too tired to think.

5pm: Too tired to think.

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles?

It’s easy really.  We don’t HAVE to shoot flame out of our mouths.  Otherwise it would happen every time we breathed .

Did you hear that the one that was shot down over Alaska may have been a teenie tiny ham radio repeater?  I have a buddy who is a ham operator himself and he showed me an article that said that a group had a balloon in that area that went silent at the same time they shot the balloon down.  And there are a BUNCH of these balloons circling the earth right now.  The repeaters weigh less than a gram including the little sun panels that keep them charged up.

A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town.

The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge.

After listening to the sheriff’s story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: “Were you gambling, Father?”

The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, “Oh, Lord, forgive me!” and then said aloud: “No, your honor, I was not gambling.”

“Were you gambling, Reverend?” the judge asked the minister.

The minister repeated the priest’s actions and said, “No, your honor, I wasn’t.”

Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: “Were you gambling, Rabbi?”

The Rabbi eyed him coolly and replied. . . “With whom?

Another oldie…but not necessarily a goodie.  This one tends to tick-off the ladies in the campground.

During a child birthing class at a local hospital, a nurse says, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”
She turns to the men in the room and says “Gentlemen, remember that you’re both in this together. It wouldn’t hurt for you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”
The room becomes very quiet as the men absorb this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room slowly raises his hand. “Yes?” says the Nurse.
“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk.”

I’m betting that particular man, name unknown, walked with a limp after that.

A man decided to take the opportunity, while his wife was away, to paint the toilet seat.

The wife came home sooner than expected, sat and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor.

She put on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor’s, the man lifted his wife’s coat to show the doctor their predicament.

The man asked, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?”

“Well, yes,” the doctor said, “But never framed!”

Yeah, me two.  Anyway, as I slide into home, that’s the end for this one, my dear fellow campers!  I hope I managed to put a smile on some of your faces!  Until we meet again, may you all be blessed with Love and Happiness.