Well, I’ve got really nothing to say and no time to talk if I want to get this issue out, so my apologies for not having a lot to say with this one, but enjoy the laughs.

This is from Joe in NJ and it really touched me.  Thanks Joe.

1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years. Any separation from you will be painful: remember that before you get me.

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.

3. Place your trust in me — it is crucial to my well being.

4. Do not be angry at me for long, and do not lock me up as punishment.

5. You have your work, your entertainment, and your friends. I only have you.

6. Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don’t understands your words, I understand your voice when it is speaking to me.

7. Be aware that how ever you treat me, I will never forget.

8. Remember before you hit me that I have teeth that could easily hurt you, but I choose not to bite you because I love you.

9. Before you scold me for being uncooperative, obstinate, or lazy, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I might not be getting the right food, or I have been out too long, or my heart is getting too old and weak.

10. Take care of me when I get old; you too will grow old. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say: “I cannot bear to watch” or “Let it happen in my absence.” Everything is easier for me if you are there, even my death.

I found this and thought I would share to remind us all to treasure the humans and dogs in our life 🙂

Short notice, but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl in Glendale, AZ at State Farm stadium Sunday Feb 12.
They are box seats that he spent $5,700 a piece for which includes transportation to and from the stadium, open bar, and a pass to the winners locker room.
What he did not realize was last year when he purchased them that this is the
same day as his wedding.
If you’re interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It’s at St. Paul’s Church on North Avenue at 3 pm.  Her name is Ashley and she is 5’5 and about 110 pounds. She is a good cook and enjoys the outdoors.

“Hey!  Shut the damn door!  This is private!”

Philosophy of sex

 

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”

–Tom Clancy

 

“You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.”

–Steve Martin

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”

–Woody Allen

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

–Rodney Dangerfield

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.

Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.”

–Lynn Lavner

“Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.”

–Matt Barry

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”

–George Burns

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”

–George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”

–Sharon Stone

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex —no matter what she’s reading.”

–Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”

–Jack Nicholson

 

” Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”

–Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady — and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)

Divorce, Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

–Robin Williams

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”

–Roseanne Barr

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”

–Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”

–Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”

–Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.”

–Jerry Seinfeld

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”

–Rod Stewart

God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

–Robin Williams

Walking can add minutes to your life…

• This enables you at 85 years old …
  • to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4,000 per month.
• My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.  
  • Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.
• I like long walks, …
  • especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
• I have to walk early in the morning, … 
  • before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
• I joined a health club last year, spent about 250 Dollars.  
  • Haven’t lost a pound.  Apparently, you have to go there!
• Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, …
  • I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
• I do have flabby thighs, …
  • but fortunately my stomach covers them.
• The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, … 
  • they’ll say, ‘Well, he looks good doesn’t he.’
• If you are going to try cross-country skiing, …
  • start with a small country.
• I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years …… 
  • just getting over the hill.
• We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads.  
  • That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND… 

• Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, 
  • I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

I just realized that I’ve been married over 25 years and my wife has never had laryngitis. What a rip-off.

“Come sit on my lap little girl and tell me what you want for … Valen … or … um … Christmas.  Yeah, Christmas.”

“Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can’t live without me, and she wants to marry me.”

“And you’re asking my permission to marry her?”

“No, I’m asking you to make her leave me alone!!”

A man complained about having had two unhappy marriages.

His first wife divorced him and his second wife wouldn’t.

My friend, Diane, was chatting with her brother, Charles, a business executive who had retired last year.

While discussing the joys of his new leisure time, Charles remarked that he had been compelled to give up skiing, a sport he had enjoyed for many years. “Afraid of injuries?” Diane asked.

“Well, now I am,” he responded. “Before I could drag a cast into work and still do my job, but now I’d be messing up my golf game.”

I think my brother is crazy. All day long he makes lines of chick peas, black-eyed peas, English peas, and crowder peas. 

Then he just sits there and looks at them. 

When I asked him why, he said he was just … minding his peas in queues. 

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill.

The doctor checks him over and says, “Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It’s called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There’s no known cure so Just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.”

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320.

Then he gets the full house and wins $1000.

The National Grid comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, “Son, I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!”

“Lucky?” he screamed. “Lucky? I’ll have you know I’ve got Yellow 24.”

“Damn!” says the bingo caller. “You’ve won the raffle as well.”

This is SO COOL!  And the stuff that science fiction is made of:

Stephanie sent us this Great story.  Thanks Steph!

She was young. She was slender. She was waiting tables at a little joint. The kind of cafe you’ve seen a hundred times before, in every small town backwater from here to forever. 

They served bathwater coffee. Shingle toast. Hamburgers fatty enough to cause aortic embolisms. 

The waitress wore red shoes. Ballet flats. They were scuffed and faded leather. She always wore red shoes because they were her trademark. Ever since girlhood. 

Growing up poor does something to a kid. Growing up during a Great Depression rewires the human brain. Whenever this girl had extra money, she bought shoes. And they were always flagrant red.  

She was not yet 16. But she was like all the children in her generation, mature, many years before her time. 

She was tall and elegant. A young Katherine Hepburn comes to mind. Maybe Bacall. Her dark hair was pulled back so that her long neck showed. She looked like a queen among mortals. When she walked, every eye followed her.  

There were several workmen sitting in a booth. They were difficult customers. They made her life miserable. They complained about their orders. They sent their food back to the kitchen multiple times. 

She did her best to serve them with charm and grace, but she kept making mistakes. The restaurant owner was called. He took the cost of their meals out of her pay. He gave the girl a scolding in front of everyone. 

And that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was the disgruntled men in the booth tipped her one penny. 

One. 

She cried until her makeup ran. One penny was worse than getting spit at. 

But this is life. You couldn’t stop working just because you got your feelings hurt. The workday must go on. This was a Great Depression. Money didn’t grow in the backyard. There were no such things as cigarette trees or big rock candy mountains.  

One of her customers that day was a navy man. He was wearing his service whites. Dixie Cup hat. He was carrying a heavy duffel sack. He looked sunburned and tired. He was on leave. 

She waited on him. The man said he’d seen what happened earlier. He had seen how difficult the other customers had behaved. She started crying all over again, despite her phony smile. 

“Don’t worry about me, sir. I’ll be okay.” 

The navy man spoke something to her in a foreign tongue. It sounded like Italian. Or maybe Spanish. Or something like that. It sounded to the girl as though he were speaking an old proverb. Or an ancient blessing, maybe. 

His bright eyes were glazed with emotion. And his lower lip was quivering. “Don’t let them get to you, kid,” he said. “People can be so mean.”

She thanked him and went about her work. 

That same evening, the young woman went home to her apartment. She was married. Her husband was a guy in the Air Corps. He looked good in his uniform, and she thought he had a cute chin. She had gotten pregnant six minutes and four seconds after her wedding vows

They had a good life. They lived in a little garage apartment on a shaded street. She had a maple tree. A tomato garden.  

At sundown, there was a knock at her door. It was the same navy man. Same service whites. Same sailor’s cap.  

He had a cardboard box under his arm, all done up in brown paper and string.  

“They told me you lived here,” he said. 

He gave the box to her. Inside was a pair of new, red shoes. Ballet flats. Patent leather. Shined to a mirror gloss. There were four more boxes just like it. All shoes. Stacked like cinder blocks on the porch. 

“What’re these for?” the young woman asked. 

“To make up for that penny,” he said.  

Fifty years later, I would hear this story along with my cousins, who all sat cross-legged on the carpet of an old mobile home. We listened to an old storyteller at work. Then, one of us interrupted and said, “Did that story really happen, Granny!?” 

Katherine Hepburn just smiled and tapped the ash on her Winston. “The Navy is a marvelous organization,” said the woman in the red shoes. 

Happy 247th anniversary to the United States Navy.

It sure is.  Thanks again dear Stephanie.

After ordering a sandwich to go, the guy asked me if I wanted some “walking bacon.”  This was three strips of bacon separate from the sandwich, for me to eat while I walked away with the wrapped sandwich in my other hand.  This Is Genius!  All stores need walking bacon.

I can’t pick up my dogs prescription because I can’t remember her date of birth.  They won’t tell me it because patient privacy.  She’s a dog.  She won’t tell me it either.

And that’s it for today.  Love and happiness to you all.