Happy Monday Morning.  It’s been a nice, relaxing weekend…at least I’m predicting it will be since I’m writing this on Saturday morning.  I’ve been to Men’s Breakfast at the church and home again.  I’ve created the above header picture, which I always enjoy doing.  I’ve made a new set of fonts for this issue that I’ve called Hippy Chick after the name of the font from the website that I use to do that, so yeah … so far, a nice, relaxing weekend.  

But now, Izzy Dragon has gotten up and the news is on the TV and they are talking about the horrible earthquake in Turkey and the second “unidentified object” that was shot down over Alaska, so I can see my weekend rapidly going downhill fast.

Izzy Dragon is already asking me questions and making silly, left wing statements about what’s being said on FOX News.  And I’m getting a headache arguing with her about how silly her opinions are.  With everything else that’s going on, they just said that there is an 800% increase in Chinese illegals crossing the border at Mexico.  Why am I not surprised?  

War with China by 2025.

Our AMC General predicted it in a memo you may have read or heard about on the news, that he is afraid we will be at war with China by 2025, due to us having our 2024 elections and Taiwan having their elections in 2024.  It would be the perfect time for China.  Are these Chinese illegal border crossings an attempt to put spies in our country ahead of time?  You know they already have them here.  Is that what the spy balloon was all about?  You know it flew over just about every military installation in our country and that it sent back all the information it had BEFORE we shot it down.

So, I’m not so relaxed anymore.

Let’s move on to a great comment that I got from Dave…  Remember when I was talking about my “Days of Captivity” the other day?  He had this comment to make: 

Amen brother.  Me too.  And I’m 8 years younger.

And I just now got this one from Stephanie:

I searched all over and finally had to ask her what she was talking about and she showed me this meme and then I realized she was talking about the words behind the words, which, by the way, say: “I used to be snow white, but I drifted.”  Boy, do I feel dumb.  

So, before we go even further into ruining Impish’s nice relaxing weekend, let’s get to the fun stuff, shall we?

I always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine anything worse than being old. How awful it must be to have nothing to do all day long but stare at the walls or watch TV.

So last week, when the Mayor suggested we all celebrate Senior Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I decided to do just that. I would call on my new neighbour, an elderly retired gentleman, recently widowed, and whom, I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter because he was too old to take care of himself.

I baked a batch of brownies and, without bothering to call (some old people cannot hear the phone), I went off to brighten this old guy’s day.

When I rang the doorbell this “old guy” came to the door dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt, looking about as ancient and decrepit as Donny Osmond.

“I’m sorry I can’t invite you in,” he said when I introduced myself, “but I’m due at the Racquet Club at two. I’m playing in the semifinals today.”

“Oh that’s all right,” I said. “I baked you some brownies . . . “

“Great!” he interrupted, snatching the box. “Just what I need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!”

I continued, ” . . . and just thought we’d visit a while. But that’s okay! I’ll just trot across the street and call on Granny Grady.”

“Don’t bother,” he said. “Gran’s not home — I know. I just called to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight. She may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned at breakfast (at which house?!) that she had an appointment for a Tint job.”

So I went home and called my Mother’s cousin (age 83). She was in the hospital …… working in the gift shop.

I called my aunt (age 74). She was on vacation in China.

I called my husband’s uncle (age 79). I forgot, he was on his honeymoon.

I still dread old age, now more than ever. I just don’t think I’m up to it!!!

I’m 64, so I guess I’ve got a ways to go before I have to be that busy.

And I’ve got an OOPS!  I should have put this in the last episode.  Do you remember this?

Joe from NJ got it right, when he said that it was a tool used to thread a needle.  Did you know that?  Yup, that’s what it’s for.  Very old school…and it works!

All that and it’s made in China.  We can’t even make our own sarcastic cardboard boxes!

I agree.  What the heck, people?

Okay, and another forgotten question…remember THIS one?

(I really need to find a way to keep better track of questions I ask or something) Anyway, got a couple of responses to this one.  Joe in NJ says:

Could it be a 

‘Handleabra’?

(Candleabra) sp?

And Aussie Pete says: 

There was a very funny British TV comedy sketch where a customer walked into a mixed goods shop and asked for ‘four candles’.   The shopkeeper goes out the back and brings back  four candles.  

The customer says  ”  No,  I want ‘fork handles ! “.   Get it….  four candles ?  fork handles .    (  This loses something when it is written down, you actually have to see it performed )    So, some person designed the four candles/fork handles in the picture attached.   QED

Okay, I think I’m caught up.

LITTLE KNOWN ILLNESSES

AFROPHOBIA Fear of the return of the 70’s hair styles (or the Jackson Five).

DEJA FLU The feeling that one has had this cold before.

HYPOCOINDRIA Fear of not having correct change.

HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

HERPES CINEPLEX Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.

VISACARDITIS The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.

ALPOPLEXY Canine feeding disorder.

STREISAND-BROLIN SYNDROME Excessive displays of affection.

SONSTROKE An attack during the reading of a will.

OREOPOROSIS Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.

NEW OFFICE SLANG

World Wide Wait – The real meaning of www.

404 – Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, “404 Not Found,” which means the document requested couldn’t be located. “Don’t bother asking John. He’s 404.”

Chips and Salsa – Chips = hardware, salsa = software. “First we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.”

Cobweb – A WWW site that never changes.

Cube Farm – An office filled with cubicles.

Egosurfing – Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one’s own name.

Keyboard Plaque – The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people’s computer keyboards.

Mouse Potato – The online generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Oh-no-second – That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you’ve just made a terrible error.

Open-Collar Workers – People who work at home or telecommute.

Plug-and-Play – A new hire who doesn’t require training. “That new guy is totally plug-and-play.”

Seagull Manager – A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, dumps on everything and then leaves.

Stress Puppy – A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.

Under Mouse Arrest – Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. “Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.”

Xerox Subsidy – Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace

Really bad placement…if you’re Italian.

Tis True.

And some of our guardians are just mean and ugly!

I don’t see the appeal myself…

A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn’t understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew.  As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down.

During the preaching, the recruit didn’t understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.

Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.

Then the preacher said some words that he still didn’t understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.

After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: “I take it you don’t speak Spanish.”

The missionary recruit replied: “No I don’t. It’s that obvious, huh?”

“Well yes,” said the preacher, “I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up.”

An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice.

The old fellow was crabby and exacting. “Don’t ask me a lot of questions,” he told the boy. “Just do whatever I tell you to do.”

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. “Get the hammer over there,” he said. “When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard.”

Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith….

That’s a GREAT question.  Why DON’T you hire veterans?

In 1923:

Who was the:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the world’s most successful persons of their day.

Now, 82 years later, history asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, also bragged of having sex with over 1200 women and winning the US Open. That was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Screw, Eat, Relax and Play golf.

“Hello Boys.  Game over.”
She is one of our best guards ever.

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Samuel Langhorne Clemens (Mark Twain) (1835 – 1910)

The more things change, the more things stay the same ~ Impish Dragon

Q: Did you hear about the wife who had plastic surgery?

A: Her husband cut up her credit cards.

Little Susan was mother’s helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner.

Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down.

Then Mother noticed something was missing. “Susan,” she said, “You didn’t put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith’s place…”

“I thought he wouldn’t need them,” explained Susan. “Daddy says he always eats like a horse!!”

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee.

He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

“Sure,” said the druggist. “Every morning the six o’clocktrain comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and ….well… it’s too late to go back to sleep, and it’s too early to get up….”

There was this fellow who got tired of living in the city and decided that he wanted to live in Alaska as an Eskimo, so he ventured out into the great unknown.

After a week he found a tribe and approached the chief proclaiming that he wanted to be an Eskimo.

The chief thinking that the guy had lost all sense of reality, told the man, “Okay – first you must drink 10 gallons of homemade rot gut whiskey all at a time with no food or breaks. Then you must go out barehanded and kill a polar bear. Completing that, you must return here, and find the oldest, ugliest, dirtiest female in the tribe and make passionate love to her all night long.”

The man agreed and drank all the whiskey, then set off into the frozen wasteland. The chief figures he’s gone for good.

Two days later the man returns. He’s a disfigured mess with his clothes practically gone, and great, gaping wounds. There is not a spot on his body that is not mauled nearly to the bone.

He staggers to the chief and says, “Now where’s that woman you wanted me to kill?”

NBA superstar Stephen Curry, who publicly endorsed Joe Biden for president in 2020, is opposing a “low-income” housing development near his $30 million mansion, according to a local news report. 

“We hesitate to add to the ‘not in our backyard’ (literally) rhetoric, but we wanted to send a note before today’s meeting. Safety and privacy for us and our kids continues to be our top priority and one of the biggest reasons we chose Atherton as home,” Steph and his wife, Ayesha Curry, wrote in a letter to officials in Atherton. 

It was an attempt by Steph Curry, who was the fifth highest-paid athlete in the world last year, according to Forbes, to prevent undesirables from crowding the area around his home in Atherton, California. 

Atherton is one of the most exclusive communities in the U.S., with Forbes ranking it as the “most expensive” zip code in the country this year.  

Innocent until proven … never mind.

You know it’s coming.  It’s already started.  Facebook and Twitter anyone?

And now, for the next bit, a bunch of balloon memes…

I did my nurse’s training at a hospital in Liverpool, England.

My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients.

One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and said to me, “Would you eat this up, love?”

Delighted at the offer, another student and I devoured every crumb.

Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, “Is me ‘usband’s pie ‘ot yet, dearie?”

When our dryer broke, I set to work. I found the problem quickly and, since I needed to replace the belt, decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too. Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, I said I needed a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire I found inside the dryer. I don’t know where it belongs, but I confidently assured the clerk that I could figure it out once I got into the job.“I have the other parts,” the clerk said, “but for the wire you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from your wife’s bra.”

I could do that job!  Heck, most of us on this campground could do this job!  Okay, everyone who reads this who feels like they could do this job, between now and Wednesday noon, eastern time either send me a comment or write me an email at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and all you have to say is “I could do that job” and to make it more interesting, give me your home town, state and country if you are out of the United States.  So, too bloody easy.  For me it would be: 
IMPISH DRAGON, I COULD DO THAT JOB, PERU, INDIANA, USA. 
Less than a minute.

And for the rest of you, if you want to play too, but don’t feel like you qualify, you can do the same thing, write in and say something like:
MILO MYTHICAL CREATURE, I’M TOO YOUNG TO BE AN OLD COOT, BUT I COULD STILL PROBABLY DO THE JOB, TRIER, GERMANY
Still less than a minute and that way we’d still know where you are from and that you are not an old coot. 

Or maybe even: 
JENNIFER JUMPJET, I’M TOO CUTE TO BE A COOT, I MIGHT BE ABLE TO DO THAT JOB, LAS VEGAS, NEVADA, USA
Maybe a minute and a half, tops. 
You get the idea.

Remember, the comment section or an email to impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com.  

And that’s it for this weekend my dear friends.  It was fun and relaxing.  Love and happiness to you one and all.