Well, it’s finally Saturday and I finally have a day off!  At last. And I plan on spending my day with you guys.  I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my day off.

Okay, truth in advertising…today is actually Thursday…Thursday night to be exact.  How could it be Saturday already if you were actually reading this on Saturday?  Actually, I will be spending my day on Saturday with you, but it will be working on Monday’s episode.  See how that works?

So, regardless of what episode it’s on, I’m still spending my time with you guys, my favorite campers in the whole, wide world!

So, let’s stop wasting time and get to it!

“Women should be obscene and not heard.” 

—Groucho Marx  (1890-1977)

Me: Exactly

I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn’t enough anxiety in my life 

A woman parked her brand-new Lexus in front of her office, ready to show it off to her colleagues. 

As she got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side. 

The woman immediately grabbed her cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. 

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the woman started screaming hysterically. 

Her Lexus, which she had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. 

When the woman finally wound down from her ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you women are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.” 

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the woman. 

The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.” 

“OH MY GOD!” screamed the woman. 

“Where’s my tennis bracelet?” 

♪♫”Sitting on the dock of the bay, watching the tide roll away.”♫♪

A man was driving along in his beat up old dodge, when suddenly it broke down. He was parked on the side of the road trying fix it, when a Jaguar pulled up in front of him and offered to help.

After a few minutes the two men obviously weren’t going to get the old car going again, so the Jaguar driver offered to tow the Dodge to the nearest garage.

A few minutes later the two had hitched up the old Dodge to the Jaguar, and they agreed that if the Jaguar driver was going too fast, the man should blow his horn and flash his lights to get him to slow down.

With that the two men got into their cars and the Jaguar driver started to pull away with the Dodge behind it.

At the first traffic light, a Ferrari pulled up beside the Jaguar and started to rev his engine provocatively. As soon as the light turned green the Ferrari and the Jaguar hit their accelerators and took off. Before long the cars were racing at over 120 mph.

As the cars speed along, they passed through a police speed trap. The officer couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw the three cars go by, and he decided that he couldn’t catch them all by himself, so he decided to radio for help: “You won’t believe what I just saw! I saw a Ferrari and a Jaguar doing 120 mph side by side, and a beat up old Dodge behind them flashing his lights and blowing his horn trying to get by!”

Stephen sent along the following caption for this amazing balloon picture above:

I drove 15 miles watching the weather balloon after it was shot down before I noticed it was bird crap.

Nice job, Stephen!

It’s 3:00 A.M. and Goldie wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor.  “Morris, why can’t you sleep?” she asks him.

“You know our next door neighbor, Sam.  I borrowed $1000 from him, and it’s due tomorrow morning and I don’t have the money.. 

I don’t know what I’m going to do.” Morris replies. 

Goldie gets out of bed and opens the window.  “Sam,” she shouts, and several times more, “Sam, Sam.” 

Finally a very groggy Sam opens the window opposite her and yells back, “What, what is it…it’s 3 AM, what do you want?” 

Goldie says, “You know the $1000 my husband owes you? He doesn’t have it.” 

She then slams the window shut and turns to Morris and says, now you go to sleep and let Sam pace the floor.” 

A Couple of Sentimental Poems

FEMALE POEM
I want a man who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen all day long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.

I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh!  For a man who makes love to my mind,
and knows what to answer to “How big is my behind?”
I want this man to love me to no end,
And forever be my very best friend.


MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac,
with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat.
I know this doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.

“Holy Crap, he’s got Billy!  I told you we shouldn’t have stolen his magic goat!  Didn’t I say, leave the damn goat alone?  Didn’t I?”

Once a young boy was watching his mother take a bath.

As she got out to dry off, he notices her upper torso he asks “Momma what are those?”

She replies “Son those are my breasts,” as she turns her back to him he asks “Momma what is that?” she replies “Son that is my derriere.”

As she turns to slip on her robe he spies her nether region and asks “Momma what is that?”

She replies “That son is none of your business!”

Later the boy is playing by the kitchen door, and the father comes in from work hungry.

The father hollers toward the kitchen to the mom, “Hey honey, what’s for dinner?”

She replies “None of your business.”

The son shaking his head says “YUCK!”

The problem is, that is so difficult for people to do.  If they can’t enjoy it, they feel like NO ONE should enjoy it.

That works for me, because that’s the best they had at the time!

Why is it a wife can buy her husband a lawn mower for Christmas, but if he buys her a vacuum cleaner, it’s a death sentence?

When you understand WHY that makes perfect sense, then you are on your way to being a happily married man.

Probably not the only clue, either.

Doug and Tammy were having a very heated argument.

Tammy shouts at Doug, “You don’t deserve a woman like me.”

Doug retorted, “Yeah, well I don’t deserve arthritis either, but I got that too.”

The little sexy housewife was built so well that the TV repairman couldn’t concentrate on his work. Whenever she came inside the room, he’d jerk his neck right out of joint to look at her.

When he’d finished she paid him and said, “I’m going to make a . . .well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you’ll keep it a secret.”

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. “Well, it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about, my husband is a kind, decent man and he has a certain physical weakness, a certain disability, and now, I’m a woman and you’re a man . . . “

The repairman could hardly speak when he said, “Yes; yes!”

“And I’ve been wanting to do it ever since you came in the door…”

“Yes; yes!”

She continued, “Would you help me move the refrigerator?”

Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby.

He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, “You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one.”

Swampy turns a little pale and leaves. Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he is the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, “There is another on the way, so call back later.”

At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer.

When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch.

Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket score.

When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: “The score is ninety-six all out,” says the voice, “and the last one was a duck.”

At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the same as an old friend.

He found the man’s e-mail address and sent him a message.

When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back another e-mail: “I have put on some weight, but I didn’t realize it was that noticeable.”

His friend’s hastily typed message, with an apparent typo, had read: “Hi, Ron. I didn’t know you worked here, but I did see a gut that looked like you in the cafeteria.

So much truth in that!

So, murder is essential healthcare?  Wow!

 

You think that sounds crazy?  They are ALREADY talking about it!!!  Just like being able to shut off your electricity, your bank account, all kinds of stuff, if they don’t agree with your posts, your opinions, or how you behave in public.  ALREADY TALKING ABOUT IT!!

No kidding!!!

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

“Come have a look over here”, says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.”

“That’s nothing”, says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died.”

Just then, Shamus yells out, “But here’s a fella that died when he was 145 years old!”

“What was his name?” asks Paddy.

Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”

Hey, me too!

A foursome is waiting at the men’s tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. 

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet. 

She  looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically, “I  guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn’t help.” 

One  of the men immediately replies, “Now, you see, that’s your problem. 

You should have taken golf lessons instead.” 

Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, 

but the realization of how much you already have.

Well, lots of stuff coming up on Monday.  Things I wanted to put into today’s issue, but I ran out of time.  So, until we meet again, may God bless you with Love and Happiness.