Well, it’s Saturday and I FINALLY have a day off.  It doesn’t seem like much.  Back when I was running restaurants, and I would take over a new one, I would work open to close, seven days a week until it was running the way I wanted before I would take a day off.  I would write in the upper corner of the white board (there was always a white board) my “days of captivity”.  The highest I ever got was 187.  One hundred, eighty-seven days, open to close, without a day off.  That was a tough store.  But, I was a much younger man then. 

This has been two weeks. 

And not even two weeks, if you think about it.  It was 12 days. 

Twelve days without a day off. 

And I’m crying like a little baby. 

My how the mighty have fallen. 

Now I need to laff.  Just like all of us.  So…

God gives every bird his worm, but he does not throw it into the nest.

– P D James (Baroness James of Holland Park, OBE, FRSA, FRSL) (1920-2014)

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?

A: So that when they’re on the subway train they can tell if they’re going to work or coming home.

TOMBSTONE

On Margaret Daniel’s grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond, Virginia:

She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her.

Here I am, sneaking a peek over the ledge on the enemy below…
Oh crap!  They saw me! Run away!  Run AWAY!

Are there really guys out there who can’t find it?  I know there aren’t MEN out there who can’t.

A professor of clinical psychology at Victoria University in Wellington, New Zealand, included a lecture on crowd psychology in his annual course.

To illustrate mass hysteria, he regularly showed TV news footage of teenage crowds greeting the Beatles at the local airport in the 1960’s.

One year, when he ran the footage, he heard squeals and bursts of laughter from his students.

When the film ended he asked what had caused the hilarity.

Replied one student, “We recognized some of our mothers!”

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?”

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, “No, how are we alike?”

“You’re both old,” he replied.

An Irishman walks into a bar and says “Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!”

The bartender says, “Well, Murph, seems you’re in a really good mood tonight, hm?”

The Irishman says, “Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!”

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. The Irishman comes back into the bar and says “Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!”

The bartender says, “Well now! If you’re so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your paycheck!”

The Irishman looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says “You mean they’ll PAY me too?”

I just saw that damn blue dragon sneaking a peek at us from over that ledge!  Let’s get him!!!

The official drinking scale in England

0 Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 Lager warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one by one. 

5 Have brilliant discussion with bloke at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out English tennis problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody Tasmanians.

6 Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer-mat. Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing arse.

7 Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 Head-ache kicks in. Pint tastes off. Send it back. Pint comes back tasting same. Say “thats much better”. Fight nausea by trying to play Pub Mastermind for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen’s wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 Put in minicab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can’t get key in door. Realize you’ve given address of Burnley Football Club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

I really, Really, REALLY want to know the why behind this story.

Little Johnny’s 2nd-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet. 

“Johnny,” she says, “what comes after ‘O’?” 

Johnny says, “God, I’m coming!!” 

Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19. 

Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys. 

“Aunt Martha,” she started, “I’ve just started French kissing Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don’t want to dribble on my boyfriend.” 

“Swallow.” Her aunt advised. “This will make you even more popular later on.” 

Born 1925 – 1955
The best years to be born in the history of Earth & we got to experience it all. Thank God for all the times, the adventures, wars won, technology developed. Generations after future generations will never experience what we did. What a generation we turned out to be.
To Those of Us Born
1925 – 1955:

At the end of this email is a quote of the month by Jay Leno.
If you don’t read anything else, Please read what he said.
~~~~~~~~~
TO ALL THE
KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930’s, 40’s and 50’s !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank – While they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then, after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs
Covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets,
and, when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps, not helmets, on our heads.

As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And we weren’t overweight.
WHY?
Because we were always outside playing…that’s why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day and, we were OKAY.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill,  Only to find out that we forgot about brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not Have Play Stations, Nintendo and X-boxes. There were No video games, No 150 channels on cable, No video movies Or DVDs, No surround-sound or CDs, No cell phones, No personal computers, No Internet and No chat rooms. WE HAD FRIENDS And we went Outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, Broke bones and Lost teeth, And there were No lawsuits From those accidents.

We would get Spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand, And no one would call child services to report abuse. We ate worms, And mud pies Made from dirt, And The worms did Not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, 22 rifles for our 12th, rode horses, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and although we were told it would happen – we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts And not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of …
They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors ever.

The past 60 to 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.


If you are one of those born between 1925 &1955, CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward this to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it ?
~~~~~~~
The quote of-the month by Jay Leno:

“With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of coronavirus and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?”
For those who prefer to think that God is not watching over us… go ahead and delete this.
For the rest of us.. please pass this on.

This one was sent in by Lynn…

Men, like nations, think they’re eternal.  What man in his 20s or 30s doesn’t believe, at least subconsciously, that he’ll live forever? In the springtime of youth, an endless summer beckons. As you pass 70, it’s harder to hide from reality…. as you lose friends and relatives.  

Nations also have seasons: Imagine a Roman of the 2nd century contemplating an empire that stretched from Britain to the Near East, thinking: This will endure forever…. Forever was about 500 years, give or take…. not bad, but gone!!  

France was pivotal in the 17th and 18th centuries; now the land of Charles Martel is on its way to becoming part of the Muslim ummah.  

In the 19th and early 20th centuries, the sun never set on the British empire; now Albion exists in perpetual twilight. Its 96-year-old sovereign is a fitting symbol for a nation in terminal decline.  

In the 1980s, Japan seemed poised to buy the world. Business schools taught Japanese management techniques. Today, its birth rate is so low and its population aging so rapidly that an industry has sprung up to remove the remains of elderly Japanese who die alone.  

I was born in 1945, almost at the midpoint of the 20th century – the American century. America’s prestige and influence were never greater. Thanks to the ‘Greatest Generation,’ we won a World War fought throughout most of Europe, Asia, and the Pacific. We reduced Germany to rubble and put the rising sun to bed It set the stage for almost half a century of unprecedented prosperity.  

We stopped the spread of communism in Europe and Asia and fought international terrorism. We rebuilt our enemies and lavished foreign aid on much of the world. We built skyscrapers and rockets to the moon. We conquered Polio and now COVID. We explored the mysteries of the Universe and the wonders of DNA…the blueprint of life.  

But where is the glory that once was Rome? America has moved from a relatively free economy to socialism – which has worked so well NOWHERE in the world.  

We’ve gone from a republican government guided by a constitution to a regime of revolving elites. We have less freedom with each passing year. Like a signpost to the coming reign of terror, the cancel culture is everywhere. We’ve traded the American Revolution for the Cultural Revolution.  

The pathetic creature in the White House is an empty vessel filled by his handlers. At the G-7 Summit, ‘Dr. Jill’ had to lead him like a child. In 1961, when we were young and vigorous, our leader was too. Now a feeble nation is technically led by the oldest man to ever serve in the presidency.  

We can’t defend our borders, our history (including monuments to past greatness) or our streets. Our cities have become anarchist playgrounds. We are a nation of dependents, mendicants, and misplaced charity. Homeless veterans camp in the streets while illegal aliens are put up in hotels.  

The president of the United States can’t even quote the beginning of the Declaration of Independence (‘You know – The Thing’) correctly. Ivy League graduates routinely fail history tests that 5th graders could pass a generation ago. Crime rates soar and we blame the 2nd. Amendment and slash police budgets.  

Our culture is certifiably insane. Men who think they’re women. People who fight racism by seeking to convince members of one race that they’re inherently evil, and others that they are perpetual victims. A psychiatrist lecturing at Yale said she fantasizes about ‘unloading a revolver into the head of any white person.’  

We slaughter the unborn in the name of freedom, while our birth rate dips lower year by year. Our national debt is so high that we can no longer even pretend that we will repay it one day. It’s a $30-trillion monument to our improvidence and refusal to confront reality. Our ‘entertainment’ is sadistic, nihilistic, and as enduring as a candy bar wrapper thrown in the trash. Our music is noise that spans the spectrum from annoying to repulsive.  

Patriotism is called an insurrection, treason celebrated, and perversion sanctified. A man in blue gets less respect than a man in a dress. We’re asking soldiers to fight for a nation our leaders no longer believe in.  

How meekly most of us submitted to Fauci-ism (the regime of face masks, lockdowns, and hand sanitizers) shows the impending death of the American spirit.  

How do nations slip from greatness to obscurity?  

* Fighting endless wars they can’t or won’t win  

* Accumulating massive debt far beyond their ability to repay  

* Refusing to guard their borders, allowing the nation to be inundated by an alien horde  

* Surrendering control of their cities to mob rule  

* Allowing indoctrination of the young  

* Moving from a republican form of government to an oligarchy  

* Losing national identity  

* Indulging indolence  

* Abandoning God, faith and family – the bulwarks of any stable society.  

In America, every one of these symptoms is pronounced, indicating an advanced stage of the disease.  

Even if the cause seems hopeless, do we not have an obligation to those who sacrificed so much to give us what we had? I’m surrounded by ghosts urging me on: the Union soldiers who held Cemetery Ridge at Gettysburg, the battered bastards of Bastogne, those who served in the cold hell of Korea, the guys who went to the jungles of Southeast Asia and came home to be reviled or neglected.  

This is the nation that took in my immigrant grandparents, whose uniform my father and most of my uncles wore in the Second World War. I don’t want to imagine a world without America, even though it becomes increasingly likely.  

During Britain’s darkest hour, when its professional army was trapped at Dunkirk and a German invasion seemed imminent, Churchill reminded his countrymen, ‘Nations that go down fighting rise again, and those that surrender tamely are finished.’  

The same might be said of causes. If we let America slip through our fingers, if we lose without a fight, what will posterity say of us?  

While the prognosis is far from good. Only God knows if America’s day in the sun is over.”  

Read it and weep, forward or erase it! I read it and am now forwarding it to you, believing that we in America are at the moment in time to stand up, or let it fall! We now may soon beat the next step in our country’s future. I believe that it might be closer than we think.

This almost made me cry with its truth and honesty.  It’s coming down to that folks.  We need to stand up and we need to kneel down and pray.

A blonde walked into up to an airport ticket counter and asked to buy a round trip ticket. 

“Where to?” Asked the smiling ticket agent. The blonde rolled his eyes and said, “Duh, back here!” 

Stephanie sent the above picture and the following description: 

Looked it up and bees do this while they are looking for a new hive. Its to protect each other and the queen.

Check out the date.  That’s the price for replacing the battery!  The flipping battery!!!!

Here’s another oldie from Joe from NJ.  I’ve heard this story before in a couple of different forms, so it must be true in some form.  And it’s a GREAT story.

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride’s and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8×10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests’ reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, “F— you!”.

Then he turned to his bride and said, “F— you!”

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, “I’m outta here.”

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge…making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard “priceless” commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends……..$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion…………………..$3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui……………….$8,500.

The look on everyone’s face……. priceless.

At my granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.

It turned out to be my husband and I.

The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”

I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.'”

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, “She’s probably right.”

Tired of the inconvenience of the drive from airport to country cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of his cottage.

On his next trip, he made his approach down the airport runway as usual.

Alarmed, his wife cried out, “Are you crazy? You can’t land this plane here without wheels!”

The startled husband abruptly yanked the nose up, narrowly averting certain disaster. Continuing, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap.

As he sat there, visibly shaken he said to his wife, “I don’t know what got into me. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life!”

And with that, he opened the door and stepped out, falling into the water.

And that’s it for today my friends.  I hope you had as much fun reading as I did writing.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness.