We are having fun now!  Yes we are!  Absolutely!  Says so right here on the label.  Guaranteed, 100%, All-American, Pure-Breed, Organic, FUN!

ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION?  We are having Eff You En — FUN!

So…anyway…Alan F. wrote to me and said: As to the question of Miss Universe and no other planets partaking, how about a world series with only one country!!!  

Well, Alan F., I know it’s not much but TECHNICALLY, the Toronto Blue Jays are from Canada and Canada is NOT the United States, so two countries, not just one. 

I know…

I KNOW…

It’s hardly MUCH of a difference, but still, it’s a technicality.  I think with the Little League World Series … with the kidlets … they actually DO draw from all over the world.  Seems like when kids from my home town of Toms River, NJ won they had to play the kids from Japan or something like that.  I’m not really much of a baseball fan, heck I’m barely a football fan (now that the Colts and the Packers are out of it, I’m not really sure who’s left in the running for the super bowl). 

{Spell check funny aside: Okay, that was funny.  I spelled super bowl first as “superbowl” and got the little red line underneath it showing it was wrong.  When I clicked on it, spell check gave me two choices as being correct.  #1 was of course “super bowl”, but #2 was “superb owl” which I thought was an excellently cool option.  The highest selection of owl.  You can choose a “good owl”, a “great owl”, an “excellent owl”, or for the very best, you can choose a “superb owl”.

Okay, enough nonsense for now, let’s get this show on the road.  And the crowd claps, cheers, and screams …

Sometimes, final wills are used to spite a partner one last time. For poet Heinrich Heine, he vowed to give all his property to his widowed wife on one condition: she needed to remarry. 

While this might sound like a romantic way to encourage your widow to move on, it was far from it. Because his wife was known to be boring and incredibly vain, Heine actually stated that if she remarried “there will be at least one man who will regret my death.”

Joe from NJ sent this one and it’s very, very good.  It’s called: The Value of Time

To realize
The value of a sister/brother
Ask someone
Who doesn’t have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
Who has given birth to A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one second:
Ask a person Who has survived an accident.

Time waits for no one.

Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when
You can share it with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend or family member:

LOSE ONE.

The origin of this letter is unknown,
But it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.

Remember….

Hold on tight to the ones you love!!!

Parachuting:

On our first day of training for a charity parachute jump, the instructor made an important point. “Start preparing for landing when you’re at 300 feet.”

One student asked, “How do you know when you’re at 300 feet?”

“A good question. At 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

She thought about this for a moment before saying, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

Our equivalent of riding your motorcycle to work.

Football Quotes:

Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver:  “When it’s third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.”

---

Don Meredith, Dallas Cowboys Quarterback once said: “Coach Tom Landry is such a perfectionist that if he was married to Raquel Welch, he would expect her to cook.”

---

John Breen, Houston Oilers: “We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.”

---

Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons: “The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.”

---

Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon:  “Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.”

---

Lou Holtz , Arkansas football coach:  “I have a lifetime contract That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.”

---

Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game: “I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.”

Instructions for Giving your Cat a Pill

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of
water down throat to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. 

Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Having had to give a pill to a cat in the past, I can attest to the truthfulness of the above.  Here’s Impish Dragon’s steps on how to give a pill to a dog.  There are two different ways.  Either one works.

First way is to wrap the pill in ANY food and toss it to the dog like any other treat and the dog will swallow it without tasting it, like any other food.

Second way is to not bother wrapping it, but just make it the second treat you throw to the dog.  Throw a regular treat first, then the pill and it will disappear without being tasted, just like the first treat.

That’s it.  Most dogs are four-legged garbage disposals and will eat ANYTHING they think is a treat.  At least that is my experience.

The Amish Powerball is up to 200 chickens and a goat.

You know, we were supposed to meet here for the tailgating party … but I don’t see any teams, any beer, nothing.  Are you sure we’ve got the right address?

Sex Education

Teacher:  Tell me the difference between a Call girl, Girlfriend, and Wife.

The whole class was silent…until Little Johnny put up his hand and answered.

Little Johnny:  Prepaid, Postpaid, and Unlimited.

I know I’m going to get through it.  I’m just tired of going through it.

Someone stole my coffee cup.  Now I have to go down to the police station and look at mugshots.

Person:  What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?

Me:  Awfully bold of you to assume I’ve peaked.

I hate when I think I’m buying organic vegetables and when I get home I discover they’re just regular donuts.

Why would I want to be alone with my thoughts?

Have you heard some of the crap that comes out of my mouth?

Just try and imagine what’s trapped inside this head of mine…

CONSPIRACY THEORIST

The term used to discredit someone who speaks about things you can’t bear to look at, because if it were true, it would reveal a darkness in the world you’re simply not ready to accept.

Just so we’re clear, I have no problem with the LG HDTV Community.

Boy, ain’t that the

Hello and Welcome. I hope you had a good weekend.

Have you ever noticed that the first piece of luggage that comes out on the airport carousel never seems to belong to anyone???

– Erma Bombeck (1927-1996)

Yeah, I would definitely fill up the right one first.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.

You ever notice why the blonde jokes are always she?  Why couldn’t the punch line have been, “So he wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills”?  Doe it work as well as “she”?  No, it really doesn’t, do it?

Tombstone:

Burlington Churchyard, Massachusetts:

Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake,

Who died for peace and quietness sake

His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin’,

So he sought for repose in a twelve-dollar coffin.

My teacher is really giving me a tuff time” Little Johnny was telling his father.

“Handle it this way Johnny,” his father advised. “Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And do your assignments and homework promptly.”

“I really don’t think that’ll help Dad,” Johnny sighed. “She hissed at me during study break that she’s 3 weeks overdue.”

And that’s it again my friends.  

I’ve had a couple of people tell me that they’ve not received the issues in email like they normally do.  Keep in mind that NORMALLY I send out an episode every Monday, Thursday, and Saturday and I try my very best to let you know if I’m not going to send one out or if I’m going to be absent for whatever reason.  I know how much you guys worry about me.  So, if you don’t see one when you expect to see one, it could be an email issue, which I have no control over.  (I really had NO IDEA how many of you guys out there read each episode by email, I kind of figured that everyone paid a visit to the website).  So, if you think you should have gotten one and you didn’t, go to the website and check and see if a new issue is there.  It’s really easy to remember the address cause I pay for it every year.  dragonlaffs.com or if you really want to be fancy http://dragonlaffs.com  

Every time someone has written to me to say that they are no longer getting the emails, I’ve checked the email listing and their address is right there…and that’s about as much technical know how as I know how.

Anyway, that’s it for today, Love and Happiness to you all, until we meet again on Saturday.  And I will give you a heads up, since I do have a VERY long working weekend this weekend, there may not be an issue on Monday, but we’ll see.