So, where were we?  Oh yeah.  Snow.  I AM TIRED OF IT!

I’m ready for it to warm up, this crap to melt and for it to be Spring.  51 days left.  That’s way too long from now as far as I’m concerned.  

Have I mentioned that I’m tired of the snow?

Anyway, I’d like to share a comment with you guys that was shared with me a couple of days ago.  This one touched my heart.

This one is an oldie, but a real goodie…

Things that I’ve learned from my parents…

• My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
  • “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
• My mother taught me RELIGION.
  • “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
• My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
  • “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
• My father taught me LOGIC.
  • ” Because I said so, that’s why .”
• My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
  • “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
• My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
  • “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
• My father taught me IRONY.
  • “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
• My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
  • “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
• My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
  • “Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
• My mother taught me about STAMINA.
  • “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
• My mother taught me about WEATHER.
  • “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
• My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
  • “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
• My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
  • “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
• My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
  • “Stop acting like your father!”
• My mother taught me about ENVY.
  • “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
• My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
  • “Just wait until we get home.”
• My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
  • “You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
• My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
  • “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
• My mother taught me ESP.
  • “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
• My father taught me HUMOR.
  • “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
• My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
  • “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up”
• My mother taught me GENETICS.
  • “You’re just like your father.”
• My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
  • “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
• My mother taught me WISDOM.
  • “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.
• My father taught me about JUSTICE.
  • “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

Subject: Re: Subject: Exciting News: 2023 Senior Stimulus Package

IMPORTANT – Watch Your Mailbox:

Just wanted to let you know – today I received my 2023 Social Security Stimulus Package.

It contained two tomato seeds, pancake mix, two discount coupons to KFC, a ‘Biden Hope & Change’ bumper sticker, a prayer rug, a Biden speech decoder, a machine to blow smoke up my ass, and a ‘Blame it on Trump’ poster for the front yard. The directions were in Spanish.

Yours should arrive soon. Happy New Year everyone!

My granddaughter and friend

Rylee- I think I’m gonna start taking my pepper spray to work again.

Me- that sounds like a good idea.

(She’s a bagger at smiths and there’s weirdos when she collecting carts)

Rylee- will I get into trouble for spraying people?

Me- Not if it’s self defense. If you’re just spaying people it’s assault.

Rylee- No its a-pepper.

Okay, I guess I’m one of them…someone explain it to me, please.

There’s no room left on this dragon, you’ll have to wait for the next one.

WHY MEN ARE SO HONEST

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Angel appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water & he needed it to make a living.

The Angel went down into the water and reappeared with a Golden Axe. “Is this your axe?” the Angel asked. The woodcutter replied: “No.”

The Angel again went down and came up with a Silver Axe. “Is this your axe?” the Angel asked. Again, the woodcutter replied: “No.”

The Angel went down again and came up with an Iron Axe. “Is this your axe?” the Angel asked. The woodcutter replied: “Yes.”

The Angel was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all 3 Axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Sometime later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Angel again appeared and asked him: “Why are you crying?”

“Oh, my wife has fallen into the water!”

The Angel went down into the water and came up with Demi Moore.

“Is this your wife?” the Angel asked.

“Yes,” cried the woodcutter.

The Angel was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The woodcutter replied, “Oh, forgive me, It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘NO’ to Demi Moore, you would have come up with Sophia Loren. Then if I said ‘NO’ to her, you would have come up with MY WIFE. Had I then said ‘YES,’ you would have given me all 3.  I’m a poor man, and not able to take care of 3 wives, so THAT’S why I said YES to Demi.”

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason and for the benefit of others.

That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it!

WE MEN ARE TRULY HONORABLE!

90% of all electrical vehicles are still on the road today…

The other 10% made it all the way home.

Never take a pill that has more side effects than you have symptoms.

Another, more sedate part of Dragon Forest with the corporate headquarters way off in the distance.

Once there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his father. Looking at his dad’s hands, the boy says, “Papa, you do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers.”

“Wella Tony,” Papa said, “You seea this first finger? You use a dis a one to point a to whata evea you wanna to. You see youa thumb? You usea disa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I’lla tella you about thata one when youa getta married.”

Little Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony’s wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding and just before he was leaving with his bride, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.

Tony said, “Papa, many years ago you told me to use this finger to point at what I want, to turn pages with my thumb, to pick my nose with this little one, and to put my wedding ring on this one, but, Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?”

Papa drew close to Tony and said, “Tony, tonighta you will makea mad hotta love to youa woman many times, and youa may getta tired. When thatta happens, and youa woman turns to you an wanna makea da love againa, that’s when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her head and say,. . . . ‘Go back to sleep youa silly woman!'”

Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the cooker and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done.

As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.

The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.

I really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.

I told them my fee: $45.

Little Johnny goes into a house of ill repute and asks for a girl with gonorrhea. 

The madam nodded and sent him upstairs to a room. Then she called one of her favorites for him. The girl came into the room and started to undress, when he asked, “Do you have gonorrhea?” 

“Gonorrhea? I should say not,” she replied. 

Little Johnny sent her back. The madam sent for another girl and said, “Honey, go upstairs and tell that fool you have the clap. Let’s do what we can to make him happy.” 

The girl agreed, went upstairs and when Little Johnny asked, “Do you have gonorrhea?” she smiled and said, “Of course I do.” 

“Ok,” he said, “Let’s do it.” 

After it was over and they were laying side by side the girl said, “Listen Johnny, I don’t really have gonorrhea” 

Little Johnny smiled and said, “Well, you do now.” 

TOMBSTONE

I came into this world without my consent and left in the same manner.

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “What was Jesus’ mother’s name?”

One child answered, “Mary.”

The teacher then asked, “Who knows what Jesus’ father’s name was?”

A little kid said, “Verge.”

Confused, the teacher asked, “Where did you get that?”

The kid said, “Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n’ Mary.

MY PHILOSOPHY OF HOUSECLEANING!

I don’t do windows because …
I love birds and don’t want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don’t wax floors because …
I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I’ll feel terrible and they may sue me.

I don’t mind the dust bunnies because …
They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don’t disturb cobwebs because …
I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don’t Spring Clean because …
I love all the seasons and don’t want the others to get jealous.

I don’t pull weeds in the garden because …
I don’t want to get in God’s way, he is an excellent designer.

I don’t put things away because …
My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don’t do gourmet meals when I entertain because …
I don’t want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don’t iron because …
I choose to believe them when they say “Permanent Press”.

I don’t stress much on anything because … “
A Type” personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol’ woman!!!!

Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. There is a new drug that is in liquid form.

The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is the drug is available virtually anywhere!

It goes by the street name “Beer.”

All girls have to do is buy a “Beer” or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?” 

“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison. 

And then they made love for the first time. 

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. 

Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.” 

Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.” 

After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!” 

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. 

She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.” 

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, it’s not a life sentence!” 

On my recent trip to a Butlins holiday camp in England, I was surprised to see a Fire notice in the chalet which read.  “In case of Fire leave your chalet and arouse the person next door”.  Now I agree to this arousal thing in theory but I’d like to make one or two comment’s. 

It’s OK if the person next door is female and good looking I’d really enjoy trying to arouse her, what if the person next door was a bloke. I’m a straight guy and no way would you catch me trying to arouse a bloke.

What if you don’t fancy the girl or woman next door you wouldn’t put your full dexterity into arousing them would you. 

What if there’s more than one of them, I’m not nineteen anymore and the thought of me trying to arouse more than one woman at a time is a bit beyond my libido these days.

What if she didn’t fancy a fat married bloke like me she could get a bit upset as I rummaged through her nightclothes seeking out her erogenous zones couldn’t she.

What if she was already with some guy he might not like the idea of you bursting in and trying to arouse his bit of pussy, he may even take offence and knock shit out of you.

What if she was unclean or a bit smelly  I wouldn’t fancy doing a 69 with that sort would you.

What if she is nice and you get her aroused by playing with her little man in his boat what are you supposed to do then, I’ll tell you the fire notice goes on to say.

Having aroused the person next door leave the room and assemble by the outdoor pool.

Now this is the part Butlins have got wrong if they think I’m going to spend my time arousing a woman just to assemble by the pool with the other guests I presume in order to go synchronized swimming they can think again.

Butlin’s must realize that in my efforts to arouse the woman I would become quite aroused myself and to plunge that arousal in to cold water would be a criminal waste at my time of life. 

So, I’ve come up with a better idea, let’s all assemble by the bouncy castle instead and carry on where we left off, even I could do pretty good on a bouncy castle I bet.  Have a nice Holiday 

Did you smell something burning? 

And that’s it my friends.  I hope you have had a wonderful weekend and I hope your days have been filled with God’s Blessings.