And it’s Friday, getting ready to send this out for Saturday and it’s been a snowy week here in Indiana.  Snow, snow and more snow and this dragon is sick and tired of it!  I’m ready for spring!  Well, … just 53 more days!

Fifty-three more days!

Seems like forever!

Hey, before we get started, I want to share a comment from Leah real quick:

Written from Central Spain, August 1812 Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.

We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty’s Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.

Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion’s petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.

This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty’s Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:

1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance.

2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.

Your most obedient servant,

Wellington

What’s the difference between men and horny alley cats? 

Men are taller. 

Little Johnny and Willy were twins, and for their 13th birthday, Willy got a bicycle while Little Johnny got a little portable radio. 

Willy hopped up on his bike and went to town. 

On the way he sees the Gerald’s house on fire, firetrucks, the whole bit. 

He spins around and peddles as fast as he could back home. 

“Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what? I saw a fire at old man Gerald’s! There was fire engines! Firemen! and EVERYTHING!!!” 

Little Johnny looks up and says, “Yeah, I know, I heard about it 10 minutes ago on the news on my radio.” 

Willy scowls and jealously mutters, “You and your fuckin’ radio!” and storms off, to go riding again. 

In town he sees just about the most exciting thing ever! Police, sirens, and all kinds of excitement, because the local bank had been robbed. 

He races home as fast as he can, starts hollering before he’s even completely in the door, 

“Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what?” 

Little Johnny dryly interrupts with, “The bank was robbed?” 

Willy scowls and storms off, muttering, “You and your fuckn’ radio!” 

Well, this time he pedals clear through town, and out into the countryside on the other side. 

A few miles up the road he sees a poor little pig with its head stuck in a fence. 

He grins, parks the bike, climbs down the bank, pulls his pants down and gives it to the porker. 

Then he races as fast as he could all the way home… “Little Johnny! 

Little Johnny! Guess what? I just had my first sexual experience!” 

Little Johnny looks up, dismisses Willy with a wave, “Bah! In a pig’s ass you did!” 

“You and your fuckin’ radio!” mutters Willy, as he cycles off. 

“Okay brothers, let’s ride!”  This is our version of a motorcycle club.

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart. 

“I suppose you’re going to tell me now that you’re waiting for ‘Mr. Right’,” he said dejectedly. 

“That’s a silly old romantic notion,” laughed the coed. “I’m just waiting for Mr. Big.” 

“My, but you look different today Claudia.” commented Reneto, her co-worker.

“Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use — special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up ?”

“No !” replied Claudia. “My damn vibrator shorted out this morning.”

Ping Pong is the only sport named after the way it sounds

Do you suffer from depression?  Depressex may be able to help.  Side effects may include, turning into a demon, suicide, …

Yogurt does nothing.
Creamy nonsense.
You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference?
Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

One day the church’s pastor noticed a young boy staring at a plaque in the rear of the church. It contained mostly men’s names. The pastor went up to him and said “These are church members who died in the service”.

The boy looked up at him and asked: “In the 9:30 or the 11?”

Absolutely adorable!

One of the advantages of bowling over golf is that you never lose your ball. 

People always say, “He died penniless,” as if it’s a terrible thing. 

I don’t know, it sounds like good timing to me. 

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and –WHACK!!– he knocks him off the bar stool and says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.” 

The little guy thinks “GEEZ” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden — WHACK– the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, “That was a judo chop from Japan.” 

So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when he comes back –WHACK!!!”– He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!! 

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, “When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.” 

Martha’s Helpful Hints 

Martha’s Hint: Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. 

Reality: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don’t do it. 

Martha’s Hint: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it. 

Reality: Brown sugar is supposed to be “soft”? 

Martha’s Hint: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn’s natural sweetness. 

Reality: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can. 

Martha’s Hint: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away. 

Reality: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn’t fresh. 

Martha’s Hint: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. 

Reality: Leftover wine? 

Martha’s Hint: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. 

Reality: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. 

Martha’s Hint: Use a meat baster to “squeeze” your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you’ll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time. 

Reality: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag. 

Martha’s Hint: To keep potatoes from budding, Place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. 

Reality: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. 

Martha’s Hint: To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling. 

Reality: Who cares if they crack, aren’t you going to take the shells off anyway? 

Martha’s Hint: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing. 

Reality: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs. 

Martha’s Hint: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won’t be any stains. 

Reality: Feed your garbage disposal and there won’t be any leftovers. 

Martha’s Hint: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake. 

Reality: Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you. 

A Santa Fe, TX minister said it best, “We have created a culture that does not value life, that does not honor God, that does not respect authority.  We are reaping the consequences of those actions, and that’s not going to be reversed by a security guard or a metal detector.”  “The long-term goal is to change hearts.”  “We’re allowing the culture to raise our kids.”

I’m so old, I can remember when people treated being on unemployment as an embarrassing secret, not a life goal.

One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere. 

He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. After another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset. 

He turned to the caddy and said, “You know I must be the worst golfer in the world.” 

The caddy replied, “I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!” 

Office Inspirational Posters 

– 
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. 
– 
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 
– 
Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent. 
– 
If you think we’re a bad firm, you should see our rivals! 
– 
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings – they did it by killing all those who opposed them. 
– 
A person who smiles in the face of adversity… probably has a scapegoat.
– 
ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE….. We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members! 
– 
2 days without a Human Rights Violation! 
– 
If at first you don’t succeed – try management. 
– 
It’s only unethical if you get caught. 
– 
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. Never quit until you have another job. 
– 
Work harder slaves! 
The beatings will continue until morale improves. 
– 
If you can read this, you’re not working! 
– 
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! 
– 
Go the extra mile – It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
– 
Pride, Commitment, Teamwork: words we use to get you to work for free.
– 
Succeed in spite of management. 
– 
Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore. 
– 
There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don’t work here anymore. 

This one is just called Rules

1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 horsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
13. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
14. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
15. 1000 cc’s of wet socks = 1 literhosen
16. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

And that my friends is it for this Saturday.  I certainly hope you had as much fun reading as I had writing.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.