Dragon Laffs #2123


It’s Saturday.

And I swear I had this issue started already, but when I went and checked, I hadn’t started it so I’m starting it now, but it just goes to show that my mind isn’t what it is supposed to be right now.

I’m teaching a class today.  I don’t want to be teaching a class today, I want to be hiding in my living room with my covers pulled over my head and my TV on or with my laptop on my lap and ignoring the world because tomorrow is the anniversary of my dear Mary’s passing and this week has been pure hell.

Tomorrow, I have church and then a make up darts match and I don’t think there will be an issue of Dragon Laffs for Monday because I don’t think I will be able to put one together for Monday, so there will be today’s issue and then one on Thursday.  So, I’m asking you to please forgive me now for not having one on Monday.  Please understand, I will be fine.  I’m just deep in my own head right now and it’s an ugly, black little place right now.  I’ve prayed and God is protecting me, but that doesn’t leave a lot of room for a whole lot of anything else.

Anyway, let’s get on with the laughter or I’m not going to have much of an issue for this Saturday either, so …

Here’s a classic oldie…from Joe from NJ:

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
‘What’s the matter, dear’ she whispers as she steps into the room, ‘Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met’.
She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, ‘Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,’ he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. ‘Yes, I do’ she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. ‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car’
‘Yes, I remember’ said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years’
‘I remember that, too’ she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said “I would have gotten out today.”

It’s 10pm when the phone rings in Dr. Stein’s house.

“It’s Dr. Gold,” says his wife, passing him the phone,

“I do hope it’s not another emergency.”

Dr. Stein takes the phone and says, “Hi, what’s up?”

“Don’t worry, everything’s OK,” replies Dr. Gold. “It’s just that I’m at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We’re having a game of bridge and we’re short one player so we thought you might like to come over and join us?”

“Sure …. yes, of course,” replies Dr. Stein, putting on a serious voice, “I’m leaving right now.” And he puts down the phone.

“What’s happened?” his wife asks, with a worried look.

“It’s very serious,” Dr. Stein replies. “They’ve already called three doctors.”

I’m telling you, it’s a GREAT forest!

And another old classic for your perusal…and again…it’s from from Joe in NJ

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . It’s 11:00 AM on a Wednesday. 

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!”
 
The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am a Mexican.” 
 
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ..”
 
The person says, “I not American, I Vietnamese.”
 
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, “Thank you for wonderful America ! 
 
That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Middle East. I am not American.” 
 
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an American?” 
 
She says, “No, I am from Africa ..” 
 
Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the Americans?”
 
The African lady checks her watch and says: “Probably at work.”

Dragon vs. Unicorn in the all time greatest cage mage, ever!  Dragon will win, no doubt!

And you’ll never guess where this river flows … in the Dragon Forest, where else?

And this one is from Friggin’ Pete:

It’s about time you realize just how special you are.
 
1. The average man produces about 2,000,000 fertile spermatozoon per day.
 
2. That is about 45,000,000,000 spermatozoon in a lifetime.
 
3. Every single one of them has it’s own unique DNA.
 
4. The average man has three children in his lifetime.
 
5. That makes the possibility that your Father’s single spermatozoon will become you is about  1:15,000,000,000.
 
6.  The possibility that your Grandfather’s single Sperm became your Father and that your Father’s single sperm then became you is about  1:144,000,000,000,000,000,000.
 
7.  The possibility of your existence after 10 generations is:    1:600,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
  
8.  The possibility of your existence since the beginning of mankind is: 1:18,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 plus another 500,000 more zeros.
 
9.  These calculations are based only on Fatherhood’s factors.  They do NOT factor in such things as Motherhood, early death, miscarriage, sickness, etc etc…..
 
10. If these statistics could include ALL factors….the possibility of your existence would be almost zero.
 
After realizing how unthinkably huge of a coincidence you are…
 
After realizing that the chance of your existence is almost a O% but, here you are 100%….
It’s about time you realize just how special you are.
 
It’s about time you realize that sitting here today, even with your flaws, your problems, your tribulations, your hurts, your pains and all else that makes up life, you are worthy.  You are worthy of life, of love and being loved, especially from yourself because, God saw fit to give you the awesome gift of life.  I guess all of that is for another writing, huh.
 

I guess for now, just try to appreciate the unfathomable fact that……you are alive!

How in the world did ANYONE survive THAT?!

And yet ANOTHER oldie, but THIS one is from Friggin’ Pete, which just goes to show you that not everything that is golden and olden is from NJ… 

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the congressman as he smiled smugly, “How about global warming; universal health care; or stimulus packages?”
“OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don’t know shit?”

And then she went back to reading her book.

 

And this follow-on from Friggin’ Pete, which is an old Urban Legend…

When NASA started sending astronauts into space they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat this problem, Congress approved a program and NASA scientists spent a decade and over $165 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil…

Your taxes are due again in April.

When I first posted that last one someone commented “Graphite dust from pencils caused several deadly command capsule fires.
 
My response was “Kyle I appreciate your input but, this is just a joke. To tell you the truth, there is very little truth to any of this ie. NASA knew pens would not work in space, Congress did not approve 165 Million for NASA to develop the pen nor did NASA develop it, it was done independently. The Russians did not use graphite pencils because of all the problems they caused, they used grease pens and when the Fisher pen was developed they used that just like NASA did. The only part that is not a joke is your damned taxes are due in April!

Holy Crap!  That was supposed to be a Love Potion!

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you’re in a public restroom.

That’s an awesome balancing act.  I’d hate to find out that they are glued together.

This next one is from Joe in NJ but I think you could probably sign this one from several of us, LOL!

I just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time and trouble to send me “forwards” and “important” news over the past 12 months. 

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. 

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans. 

 I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. 

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. 

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. 

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a cologne sample and rob me. 

I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by, UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. 

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. 

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. 

I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. 

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. 

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my  prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. 

I no longer have any money because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 258th time) but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program. 

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! 

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000  people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 6:00 p.m. Michigan time this very evening. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician. 

Happy Holidays to one and all! 

New Year’s Eve, the hostess jumped up on the bar at the local pub and said that it was almost midnight and time to get ready to celebrate.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every man to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

You would really put that in a review?

John was in a bar looking very dejected. 

His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, “What’s wrong?” 

“It’s my mother-in-law,” John replied, while shaking his head sadly. “I have a real problem with her.” 

“Cheer up,” Steve said. “Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law.” 

“Yeah,” John answered. “But I got mine pregnant.” 

For a couple of years after high school I worked in a traveling circus.

I was quite heavy at the time.

My act was being shot out of the cannon.

After a few years I quit the circus and went to college. Soon after, the circus went out of business.

Seems they couldn’t find a man of my caliber.

Why Teachers retire early or turn to drink

The following questions were in a ( UK ) GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination– (These are genuine answers).

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house, they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O, U.

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work.)

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section.’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome .

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit.)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)

Q. Name the four seasons

  1. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

AND THEY CAN VOTE NOW?

Truly a classic!  Thanks Joe!

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse yourself.

I was there an hour saying things like, “What does this do?” “You’re kidding me!” “Who would buy that?” Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal usbandry. I settled for “Lovable Louise.” She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. “What the hell is that?” she asked. My brother quickly explained, “It’s a doll.” “Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. “Where are her clothes?”, Granny continued. “Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. “Why doesn’t she have any teeth?” Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, “Hang on Granny, Hang on!”

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ” Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?” I told him she was Jay’s friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

Q: What’s the difference between a boxer and a woman? 

A: A boxer stands up to get knocked down and a woman lies down to get knocked up. 

How much has your day been ruined when an ear of corn has punched through your windshield?

DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING? Hmmmmm! By the Numbers?

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 20 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing TERRORISTS !!
Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice!!!

DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING? HEE HEE!😁

Too weird for words.

And yes, that picture looks familiar because I used it as a header a while back.  Which also leads us to the end of today’s issue.  Thanks very much for your kind attention to the very end of today’s edition and I hope you have a Loving and Happiness filled weekend.  I may or may not see you again on Monday, depending on how my weekend goes, but if you get a spare moment, a kind word to the Man Upstairs for your favorite dragon would not be unappreciated.  Until we meet again…

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1 Response to Dragon Laffs #2123

  1. Leah D says:

    On days like this, I know who is old in our neighborhood. The government paid for guys to come to the old people’s houses, add insulation in the attic, etc.
    Our house is taller than most, so we see the roofs of the others, and when it begins to warm again, after a heavy snowstorm, the houses with snow on their roof, belong to old people.

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