It’s the new year. New things to look forward to. New things to plan. I don’t usually do the whole new years resolution thing, but there are some things that I’ve already resolved to do this year. My church has done a yearly scripture study where if you follow along with their plan you can read the Bible in a year, so I plan, amongst all my other Bible study, to follow along with their study plan to finish the Bible, again. I’ve done it before. So, that’s one of my resolutions.
Another of my resolutions is to move on.
I know how that sounds. I have to get passed January, specifically, passed the 8th of January, which is the anniversary of Mary’s passing, and then I think I can start moving on. Then it will have been a year. I will have gotten past all the firsts. I think. Most of them, anyway. But, it’s time for me to be happy again. I don’t know that I know how to do that anymore. But, it’s coming up on time to try. That’s another of my resolutions.
My third resolution is to figure out what it is that God wants from me. What His plan is for me. I THINK I know. I THINK it’s to help other people through the same things that I’ve gone through, grief, depression, anger, you guys know. Heck, if anyone in the whole world knows what I’ve been through, it’s you guys.
It’s funny. I’ve probably been more honest with you guys over things than I’ve even been with my counselor. It’s easy to type to you, even though I know that hundreds, possibly thousands of people are going to read these words, it’s easier to put them down here, than it is to talk honestly about them with someone else, sometimes. Thank you guys for being there for me.
Anyway, let’s move on to other things, and start some laughter so we can start this new year correctly!!
This Christmas, I’m just giving all my family members a card that says, “A donation has been made in your name to my therapist.”
Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus traveling in a elevator of a very posh hotel.
Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $50 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up??
Santa of course, the other two don’t exist!
That’s just way too weird.
Woman: “My boyfriend’s family doesn’t approve of me dating him.”
Her friend: “Who are they to complain?”
Woman: “His wife and kids.”
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
CAT’S NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
~*~ I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
~*~ I will not slurp fish from the aquarium.
~*~ I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink’s drain.
~*~ I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.
~*~ I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and scratch my owner, leaving her to bleed to death.
~*~ I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
~*~ I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
~*~ We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans’ bed while they’re trying to sleep.
~*~ I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
~*~ I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
~*~ I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
~*~ When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.
~*~ I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
~*~ When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
~*~ I am a walking static generator. My human doesn’t need my help installing a new board in her computer.
~*~ I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing importantemiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
~*~ The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
~*~ A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap (but the EMPTY pizza box is).
When I was a kid, when we played “spin the bottle”, if they didn’t want to kiss you, they’d have to give you a quarter.
By the time I was 12, I owned my own home.
I was fired from my job as a kindergarten teacher for handing condoms to the parents of students I didn’t like.
Magic Johnson wasted the World’s Best Porn Name on a Basketball Career.
I keep pre-cooked bacon in my fridge that I call “Hurricane Bacon”.
When the Hurricane hits, I put that bacon in my pocket, so if I get buried in a pile of rubble, the search dogs will find me first.
While watching the football play-offs at their local bar, Michael complained to Roy that the love making with his girlfriend was becoming routine and boring.
“Well I think you need to get creative,” Roy said.. “Break up the monotony. Why don’t you try ‘playing doctor’ for an hour?” Roy suggested.
“Hmmm, That’s what I’ll do. It sounds great but tell me, how in the hell do I make it last for an hour?” his Michael asked.
Simple Roy answered, “Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!”
When I worked for the security department of a large retail store, my duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms.
A side door of the building was wired with a security alarm, because it was not supposed to be used by customers.
Nevertheless they found the convenience of the exit tempting. Even a sign with large red letters, warning “Alarm will sound if opened,” failed to deter people from using it.
One day, after attending to a number of shrieking alarms, I placed a small handmade sign on the door that totally eliminated the problem: “Wet paint.”
Something that was just pointed out on the news…The high temperature yesterday, Wednesday was like 54 degrees, with a “feels like” temperature of (surprise!) of 54 degrees. The low last Friday was a -40°F wind chill. That’s a 94 degree difference in temperature in just 5 days! THAT IS CRAZY!!! Don’t like the weather in Indiana, wait a minute. We did make it through the last cold snap without any problems. I got my latest gas bill in my email this morning and even as cold as it’s been, it came in about twenty bucks under what I had budgeted.
1. What do you call a handcuffed man?
2. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
3. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
4. Why do men like smart women?
5. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.
6. How do men define a “50/50” relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
7. How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
8. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
9. How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
10. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
11. What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
12. What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you
his real name.
13. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
14. What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
“My wife says…”
15. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
16. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
17. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
18. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
19. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.
Still waiting on my car to be fixed. So, I’m nervous about that bill. In my experience, if they say it’s going to be $5,500, I’m expecting it to be at least $6k. Got a surprise $900 bill for Izzy’s testing the other day, so I’m like, okay … not sure what lesson at this point you are trying to teach me Lord, since I got the last one, but can we maybe try a different format for teaching me? I got the whole, “Beat the crap out of Impish so he can use the experience to teach other people” lesson. I GOT that one. Please stop. I just had to take a huge chunk of my retirement out to pay for my car repairs, so can we not?
And tomorrow, I go to the dentist to find out how much my falling apart teeth are going to be. I’m sure I’m going to have to put them off for a while.
But, we keep laughing and we keep smiling!
Electric Cars: A plan that doesn’t work to fix a problem that doesn’t exist.
The perfect visual description of our political system right now.
He’s just showing off.
Or REALLY trying to prove a point.
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, “What are you doing?”
She replies, “I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old.”
The husband retorts, “Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?”
“He didn’t mention you.”
A deaf mute walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms.
He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.
Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five-dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
“Look,” the pharmacist says, “if you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t bet.”
Wow! That’s Dark!
You Know alcohol should be served at work because…
1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees the work is better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor’s closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as “gross.”
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
Judi said, “So I guess my ex wanted to distract me because right in the middle of the argument he stopped and said, ‘Now, hon. You know I want what’s best for you!'”
Carly replied, “What’d you say to that?”
“I asked him, ‘How soon can you be packed and out of here, then?'”
And that is the last episode of the year my dear friends. The next Dragon Laffs will be next year…2023. My prayer and wish for each and every one of you is that your New Year is better than your old year and that it is filled to the brim with God’s Blessings, Love, Happiness, and Laughter. My thanks to each and every one of you for supplying a huge portion of those to me this last year and the assurance that you will continue to do so in the new. Be well my dear friends, family and fellow campers.