It’s Monday, and after a very nice week away from the job where I wasn’t really away from the job, it’s time to go back to work tomorrow and I suppose I’m ready.  I’ve been in my own head too much and I need to disappear into something else.  Not that I’m going to be able to do anything worthwhile for any significant length of time, but it’s better to give it a try.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a safe and happy New Years.  That everyone had a wonderful time and arrived back home safely.  That is my sincere hope and prayer.

I’m re-watching one of my favorite all-time shows.  The West Wing.  Not crazy about their politics, but I love the show.  The dialog, the plots, the people, the story lines, all of it.  One of the channels is playing it over the holidays, so I decided to start from episode one on HBO Max and started watching it all.  Right now, there’s nothing else on TV anyway, so why not?

So, getting old sucks.  Went to the dentist today because my teeth are falling apart and apparently it’s time for me to get dentures on top and at least a partial on the bottom to the tune of five grand out of pocket AFTER insurance.  I had to say, no it’s not time, my car is already causing me to go broke, I can’t go broke twice so it HAS to wait.  No choice.  But I will say this, I’m really getting tired of this.

“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.” 

Sam Levenson (1911 – 1980)

You Know It’s Time to Diet and Exercise When…

You try to do a few pushups and discover that certain body parts refuse to leave the floor.

Your children look through your wedding album and want to know who Daddy’s first wife was.

You get winded just saying the words “six-kilometer run.”

You come to the conclusion that, if God really wanted you to touch your toes each morning, He would have put them somewhere around your knees.

You analyze your body honestly and decide what you should develop first is your sense of humor.

You step on a talking scale and it says, “Come back when you’re alone.”

To you, “Itsy-Bitsy Teenie-Weenie Yellow Polka dot Bikini” and “The Impossible Dream” become the same song.

You accept the fact that you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but not while you’re wearing a bathing suit.

Henry was at the doctor’s office for a follow up visit.

After the examination, he said to Doctor Tannenbaum, “Well, Doc, you sure kept your promise.”

“How’s that?” Doctor Tannenbaum asked.

“Well, you said I’d be walking in a month,” answered Henry. “and you were right.

I had to sell my car to pay your bill!”

Another good one from our dear friend Friggin’ Pete:

Pete, I couldn’t have said it better myself.  Thank you for the laughter and the parts of your life you have graciously shared with all of us.  We are honored by your generosity.

Look at this weather being all springy and cute like it didn’t just try to kill us last week.

Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the Christmas season are: “Peace on Earth”, “Goodwill to Men” and “Batteries not included.”

“It’s a new year, go and find that damn dragon.  He’s got work to do.”

Actually, the answer is coming up after the next picture, so you don’t have to wait until the very end.  Do you know what it is?  I knew right away, but then again, I’m older than a lot of you are.

Okay, last chance to guess what that contraption was before I show you the answer … are you ready?

Are you sure?

Really sure?

Okay, here it goes.

And there you have it!

If you’re singing Christmas songs on your neighbor’s lawn at night with your church group, it’s called “caroling.”

But if you’re doing it alone with no pants on, it’s called “drunk and disorderly.”

There were two blondes who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, “I’m chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He’s makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel, Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel. With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer. You’ll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

You’ll tell Carol, “Be a skunk, I require”

Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas.

In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s worth mentioning again, that Pearls before Swine is probably one of my favorite comics of all time.

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. Upon entering they are told by Saint Peter that they must present something “Christmassy” in order to get into heaven. 

The first man searches his pockets, and finds some pine needles from the family’s Christmas tree. He is let into Heaven. 

The second man presents a bow and some ribbon from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed into Heaven. 

The third man pulls out a pair of black lace panties. 

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter says in a booming voice, “I fail to see the relevance. How do *these* represent Christmas?” 

To which the third man sheepishly replies, “Oh… They’re Carol’s.” 

Here is a truly GREAT story from Joe in NJ.  Long, but well worth the read:

An old man sat in his gas station on a cold Christmas Eve. He hadn’t been anywhere in years since his wife had passed away. He had no decorations, no tree, no lights. It was just another day to him. He didn’t hate Christmas, just couldn’t find a reason to celebrate. There were no children in his life. His wife had gone.

He was sitting there looking at the snow that had been falling for the last hour and wondering what it was all about when the door opened and a homeless man stepped through. Instead of throwing the man out, George, Old George as he was known by his customers, told the man to come and sit by the space heater and warmup.

“Thank you, but I don’t mean to intrude,” said the stranger. “I see you’re busy. I’ll just go”

“Not without something hot in your belly,” George turned and opened a wide mouth Thermos and handed it to the stranger. “It ain’t much, but it’s hot and tasty. Stew. Made it myself. When you’re done there’s coffee and it’s fresh.”

Just at that moment he heard the “ding” of the driveway bell. “Excuse me, be right back,” George said.

There in the driveway was an old 53 Chevy. Steam was rolling out of the front. The driver was panicked.

“Mister can you help me!” said the driver with a deep Spanish accent. “My wife is with child and my car is broken.”

George opened the hood. It was bad. The block looked cracked from the cold; the car was dead. “You ain’t going in this thing,” George said as he turned away.

“But mister. Please help….”The door of the office closed behind George as he went in. George went to the office wall and got the keys to his old truck, and went back outside. He walked around the building and opened the garage, started the truck and drove it around to where the couple was waiting.

“Here, you can borrow my truck,” he said. “She ain’t the best thing you ever looked at, but she runs real good.”

George helped put the woman in the truck and watched as it sped off into the night. George turned and walked back inside the office.

“Glad I loaned em the truck. Their tires were shot too. That ‘ol truck has brand new tires……..” George thought he was talking to the stranger, but the man had gone. The thermos was on the desk, empty with a used coffee cup beside it.

“Well, at least he got something in his belly,” George thought. George went back outside to see if the old Chevy would start. It cranked slowly, but it started. He pulled it into the garage where the truck had been. He thought he would tinker with it for something to do. Christmas Eve meant no customers. He discovered the block hadn’t cracked, it was just the bottom hose on the radiator.

“Well, I can fix this,” he said to himself. So he put a new one on. “Those tires ain’t gonna get ’em through the winter either.” He took the snow treads off of his wife’s old Lincoln. They were like new and he wasn’t going to drive the car.

As he was working he heard a shot being fired. He ran outside and beside a police car an officer lay on the cold ground. Bleeding from the left shoulder, the officer moaned, “Help me.” George helped the officer inside as he remembered the training he had received in the Army as a medic. He knew the wound needed attention.

“Pressure to stop the bleeding,” he thought. The laundry company had been there that morning and had left clean shop towels. He used those and duct tape to bind the wound.

“Hey, they say duct tape can fix anythin’,” he said, trying to make the policeman feel at ease. “Something for pain,” George thought. All he had was the pills he used for his back. “These ought to work.” He put some water in a cup and gave the policeman the pills.

“You hang in there. I’m going to get you an ambulance.” George said, but the phone was dead. “Maybe I can get one of your buddies on that there talk box out in your police car.”

He went out only to find that a bullet had gone into the dashboard destroying the two way radio. He went back in to find the policeman sitting up.

“Thanks,” said the officer. “You could have left me there. The guy that shot me is still in the area.”

George sat down beside him. “I would never leave an injured man in the Army and I ain’t gonna leave you.” George pulled back the bandage to check for bleeding. “Looks worse than what it is. Bullet passed right through ‘ya. Good thing it missed the important stuff though. I think with time your gonna be right as rain.”

George got up and poured a cup of coffee. “How do you take it?” he asked.

“None for me,” said the officer.

“Oh, yer gonna drink this. Best in the city.” Then George added: “Too bad I ain’t got no donuts.”

The officer laughed and winced at the same time. The front door of the office flew open. In burst a young man with a gun.

“Give me all your cash! Do it now!” the young man yelled. His hand was shaking and George could tell that he had never done anything like this before.

“That’s the guy that shot me!” exclaimed the officer.

“Son, why are you doing this?” asked George. “You need to put the cannon away. Somebody else might get hurt.”

The young man was confused. “Shut up old man, or I’ll shoot you, too. Now give me the cash!” The cop was reaching for his gun.

“Put that thing away,” George said to the cop. “We got one too many in here now.”

He turned his attention to the young man. “Son, it’s Christmas Eve. If you need the money, well then, here. It ain’t much but it’s all I got. Now put that pee shooter away.”

George pulled $150 out of his pocket and handed it to the young man, reaching for the barrel of the gun at the same time. The young man released his grip on the gun, fell to his knees and began to cry.

“I’m not very good at this am I? All I wanted was to buy something for my wife and son,” he went on. “I’ve lost my job. My rent is due. My car got repossessed last week…”

George handed the gun to the cop. “Son, we all get in a bit of squeeze now and then. The road gets hard sometimes, but we make it through the best we can.”

He got the young man to his feet, and sat him down on a chair across from the cop. “Sometimes we do stupid things.” George handed the young man a cup of coffee. “Being stupid is one of the things that makes us human. Comin’ in here with a gun ain’t the answer. Now sit there and get warm and we’ll sort this thing out.”

The young man had stopped crying. He looked over to the cop. “Sorry I shot you. It just went off. I’m sorry officer.”

“Shut up and drink your coffee.” the cop said.

George could hear the sounds of sirens outside. A police car and an ambulance skidded to a halt. Two cops came through the door, guns drawn.

“Chuck! You ok?” one of the cops asked the wounded officer.

“Not bad for a guy who took a bullet. How did you find me?”

“GPS locator in the car. Best thing since sliced bread. Who did this?” the other cop asked as he approached the young man.

Chuck answered him, “I don’t know. The guy ran off into the dark. Just dropped his gun and ran.”

George and the young man both looked puzzled at each other. “That guy works here,” the wounded cop continued.

“Yep,” George said. “Just hired him this morning. Boy lost his job.”

The paramedics came in and loaded Chuck onto the stretcher. The young man leaned over the wounded cop and whispered, “Why?”

Chuck just said, “Merry Christmas, boy. And you too, George, and thanks for everything.”

“Well, looks like you got one doozy of a break there. That ought to solve some of your problems.” George went into the back room and came out with a box. He pulled out a ring box.

“Here you go. Something for the little woman. I don’t think Martha would mind. She said it would come in handy some day.”

The young man looked inside to see the biggest diamond ring he ever saw. “I can’t take this,” said the young man. “It means something to you.”

“And now it means something to you,” replied George. “I got my memories. That’s all I need.”

George reached into the box again. A toy airplane, a racing car and a little metal truck appeared next. They were toys that the oil company had left for him to sell. “Here’s something for that little man of yours.”

The young man began to cry again as he handed back the $150 that the old man had handed him earlier. “And what are you supposed to buy Christmas dinner with? You keep that, too. Count it as part of your first week’s pay.” George said. “Now git home to your family.”

The young man turned with tears streaming down his face. “I’ll be here in the morning for work, if that job offer is still good.”

“Nope. I’m closed Christmas day,” George said. “See ya the day after.”

George turned around to find that the stranger had returned. “Where’d you come from? I thought you left?”

“I have been here. I have always been here,” said the stranger. “You say you don’t celebrate Christmas. Why?”

“Well, after my wife passed away I just couldn’t see what all the bother was. Puttin’ up a tree and all seemed a waste of a good pine tree. Bakin’ cookies like I used to with Martha just wasn’t the same by myself and besides I was getting a little chubby.”

The stranger put his hand on George’s shoulder. “But you do celebrate the holiday, George. You gave me food and drink and warmed me when I was cold and hungry. The woman with child will bear a son and he will become a great doctor.

The policeman you helped will go on to save 19 people from being killed by terrorists. The young man who tried to rob you will become a rich man and share his wealth with many people.

That is the spirit of the season and you keep it as good as any man.”

George was taken aback by all this stranger had said. “And how do you know all this?” asked the old man.

“Trust me, George. I have the inside track on this sort of thing. And when your days are done you will be with Martha again.” The stranger moved toward the door.

“If you will excuse me, George, I have to go now. I have to go home where there is a big celebration planned.”

George watched as the man’s old leather jacket and his torn pants turned into a white robe. A golden light began to fill the room.

“You see, George, it’s My birthday. Merry Christmas.”

Yes, it’s very contrived and unrealistic, but it’s a CHRISTMAS STORY and is supposed to be that way!  Lighten up already!  It was a great story and I liked it!!

A woman who was out Christmas shopping with her two children.

After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable, and after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on the many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.

She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year: overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, getting that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, making sure we don’t forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card.

Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and all the bags of stuff.

When the doors closed, she couldn’t take it anymore and stated, “Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up and shot.”

From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet, calm voice respond, “Don’t worry, we already crucified Him.”

For the rest of the trip down the elevator it was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.

You all thought you were getting more stimulus checks…forgiven student loans…build back better.  Instead you got empty shelves, worst inflation since the Great Depression, crack pipes and WWIII.

There was a young lady named Hall, 
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 
The dress caught fire, 
And burned her entire 
Front page, sports section, and all 

A is for apple, and B is for boat, 

That used to be right, but now it won’t float!

Age before beauty is what we once said, 

But let’s be a bit more realistic instead. 

 The New Alphabet is: 

A‘s for arthritis; 

B‘s the bad back, 

C‘s the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac? 

D is for dental decay and decline, 

E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line! 

F is for farting and fluid retention, 

G is for gut droop, which I’d rather not mention.

H high blood pressure–I’d rather it low; 

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend, 

K is for knees that crack when they bend. 

L ‘s for libido, what happened to sex? 

M is for memory, I forget what comes next. 

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; 

O is for Osteo, bones that don’t grow! 

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? 

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two. 

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, 

T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears! 

U is for urinary; troubles with flow; 

V for vertigo, that’s ‘dizzy,’ you know.. 

W for worry, now what’s going ’round? 

X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y for another year I’m left here behind, 

Z is for zest I still have– in my mind! I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed, 

And I’m keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed! 

HAVE A GREAT DAY! 

Here’s an email from Joe from NJ in its entirety: 

Impish,

I actually just made this up.

What was Sam Houston’s favorite dessert?

Pie Alamo

Not bad, Joe.  Thanks for sharing.

So I went to the hospital today.  I said, “I’ve been bitten by a wolf.” 

The doctor said, “Where?”

I said, “No, just an ordinary one.”

Parenthood kind of feels like you got hit by a car and as you struggle mightily to get up, someone asks you for a snack.

And that’s it for today my friends.  Welcome to the new year.  I’m sure I’ll have more positive things to say about it when I feel more positive, so until then, may God Bless you with Love and Happiness.  Until next time…