Dragon Laffs #2119


Good Thursday to you all.  Or Thor’s Day as it originally started out.  But, Thor is a bit of a jerk, so we changed it to Thursday.

Spent most of my week just hanging out and trying not to remember this time last year, so in that vein, let’s get right to the fun stuff and just exist this week, shall we?

I will not be addressing you by your chosen pronouns.  If you look like a man, it’s sir.  If you look like a woman, it’s ma’am.  It’s not my job to validate your mental illness.

Some Practical Advice:
If all the toilets in your house are occupied and you’re waiting for one to be free, switch off the wi-fi!

Don’t let anyone rent space in your head unless they are a good tenant.

Why are men so interested in that purse?

Playing with friends at a younger age.

Call me “OLD” all you want, but my generation made music that will NEVER be matched again.

A bottle of water can be 50 cents at a supermarket.
$2 at the gym.  $3 at the movies and $6 on a plane.  Same water.
Only thing that changed its value was the place.
So the next time you feel your worth is nothing, maybe you’re at the wrong place.

The only sexual knowledge a 3rd Grade Boy needs to know is that girls have cooties.

Another reader, although I don’t see the coffee, I’m going to assume she still knows stuff.

All the deep sea anglerfish you see pictures of with the lil lights hanging over their heads?  They’re all female.

The males are tiny and born with a terribly weak jaw and a massive hunger.  They seek out a female, and torn between hungry and horny they bite her.

She then releases an enzyme that fuses the male to her body.  She slowly absorbs them into her body with only their lil testicles remaining so she can instantly fertilize her eggs when she wants to.

Some females have rows and rows of lil testicles on their bodies from where they have absorbed multiple males.

And you thought your sex life was weird, huh?

A funny and true story about the Queen:

Around 2005, the Queen and her Personal Protection Officer, Dick Griffin, were walking alone one afternoon in the hills near the Scottish royal castle, Balmoral.

Two tourists approached them, and engaged in conversation. Griffin recalls:

“There were two hikers coming towards us, and the Queen would always stop and say hello. 

“They were two Americans on a walking holiday.

“It was clear from the moment we stopped that they hadn’t recognized the Queen, which was fine. 

“The American gentleman was telling the Queen where they came from, where they were going next, and where they’d been in Britain. 

“I could see it coming, and sure enough, he said to Her Majesty: ‘And where do you live?’ 

“She replied: ‘Well I live in London, but I’ve got a holiday home just the other side of the hills.’

“He said: ‘How long have you been coming up here?’

“She replied: ‘I’ve been coming up here ever since I was a little girl, so over 80 years.’

“You could see the cogs whirring, so he said: ‘Well, if you’ve been coming up here for over 80 years, you must have met the Queen.’

“Quick as a flash, she said: ‘I haven’t, but Dick here meets her regularly.’

The hiker then asked Griffin what the monarch was like in person.

“Because I was with her a long time, and I knew I could pull her leg, I said: ‘Oh, she can be very cantankerous at times, but she’s got a lovely sense of humour.’

The next thing I knew, this guy comes round, puts his arm around my shoulder, and before I could see what was happening, he gets his camera, GIVES IT TO THE QUEEN, and says: ‘Can you take a picture of the two of us?’

“Then we swapped places, and I TOOK A PICTURE OF THEM WITH THE QUEEN.

“And we never let on, and we waved goodbye.

“Afterwards, Her Majesty said to me: ‘I’d love to be a fly on the wall when he shows those photographs to his friends in America, and hopefully someone tells him who I am’.”

Rest in Peace Your Majesty ❤️👑🇬🇧

Yup…sometimes that’s exactly what it’s like.

I love Chinese food as much as the next person, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

Annie, 6-years-old, gets home from school.  She had her first family planning lesson at school.  Her mother, very interested, asks, “How did it go?”

“I nearly died of shame!” she answers!

“Why?” her mother asked.

Annie said, “Kate, from down the road, says that the stork brings babies.  Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.  Jack in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.”

Her mother answers laughingly, “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”

“No…well that’s how I felt when I had to tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”

My wife was going through her wardrobe, she said “look at this, it still fits me after 25 years.”

I said, “it’s a scarf.”

As a “woman-of-a-certain age”, I’ve noticed a relationship has developed between my mouth and bladder.  They’re both nearly impossible to control.

“YOUR KIDS LOOK IDENTICAL!”

Gee, that’s what happens when you have one baby daddy.

I agree 100%!!!

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.  One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.  When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, one of my other friends pulls out a $20 bill.  She calls the guy back over, licks the twenty, and plants it on his other butt cheek.

And in another attempt to impress all of us, my third girl friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over to her and slowly licks the bill.  I’m beginning to get worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me!!  Now everyone’s attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50.  My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.  What could I possibly do???

The woman in me took over!  I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and went home.

Well, that’s it for today my friends.  I hope you had as much fun reading as I had writing.  So, until next time, may your days be filled with Love and Happiness.

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6 Responses to Dragon Laffs #2119

  1. Sammye Coker says:

    How do I contact Impish Dragon?

  2. jhjoseph says:

    Hello: I didn’t know how to contact you directly. Did you receive my donation via paypal. I donated an amount to you on December 19, 2022? Thanks. Joe holtzman

    • impishdragon says:

      Yes I did Joe
      For some reason PayPal didn’t notify me, but when I looked, there it was.
      Thank you very much.
      Or maybe they did notify me and I missed it. Regardless, your generosity is deeply appreciated.
      This is a bit of an overwhelming time for me right now, so my apologies.

  3. jhjoseph says:

    Some great, funny ones today. Thanks, from one of your many avid readers.

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