Dragon Laffs #2115


And we’re drawing closer and closer.

And it’s getting tougher and tougher for me to hold things together.  Thank God I have you guys on my side.  

Let’s get some laughter in to start this issue and revisit this problem in a little while…

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. 

He asked the hat check girl to come up to his roomfor dinner. 

After a while he started making passes, she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. 

“It’s OK,” he replied, “it’s written in the Bible.”

So after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it’s okay to have wild, passionatesex. 

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil: “The hat check girl puts out!” 

Sure, that’s exactly what that’s for.

Rudolph – Behind The Story

As the holiday season of 1938 came to Chicago, Bob May wasn’t feeling much comfort or joy. A 34-year-old ad writer for Montgomery Ward, May was exhausted and nearly broke. His wife, Evelyn, was bedridden, on the losing end of a two-year battle with cancer. This left Bob to look after their four-year old-daughter, Barbara.
One night, Barbara asked her father, “Why isn’t my mommy like everybody else’s mommy?” As he struggled to answer his daughter’s question, Bob remembered the pain of his own childhood. A small, sickly boy, he was constantly picked on and called names. But he wanted to give his daughter hope, and show her that being different was nothing to be ashamed of. More than that, he wanted her to know that he loved her and would always take care of her. So he began to spin a tale about a reindeer with a bright red nose who found a special place on Santa’s team. Barbara loved the story so much that she made her father tell it every night before bedtime. As he did, it grew more elaborate. Because he couldn’t afford to buy his daughter a gift for Christmas, Bob decided to turn the story into a homemade picture book.
In early December, Bob’s wife died. Though he was heartbroken, he kept working on the book for his daughter. A few days before Christmas, he reluctantly attended a company party at Montgomery Ward. His co-workers encouraged him to share the story he’d written. After he read it, there was a standing ovation. Everyone wanted copies of their own. Montgomery Ward bought the rights to the book from their debt-ridden employee. Over the next six years, at Christmas, they gave away six million copies of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer to shoppers. Every major publishing house in the country was making offers to obtain the book. In an incredible display of good will, the head of the department store returned all rights to Bob May. Four years later, Rudolph had made him into a millionaire.
Now remarried with a growing family, May felt blessed by his good fortune. But there was more to come. His brother-in-law, a successful songwriter named Johnny Marks, set the uplifting story to music. The song was pitched to artists from Bing Crosby on down. They all passed. Finally, Marks approached Gene Autry. The cowboy star had scored a holiday hit with “Here Comes Santa Claus” a few years before. Like the others, Autry wasn’t impressed with the song about the misfit reindeer. Marks begged him to give it a second listen. Autry played it for his wife, Ina. She was so touched by the line “They wouldn’t let poor Rudolph play in any reindeer games” that she insisted her husband record the tune.
Within a few years, it had become the second best-selling Christmas song ever, right behind “White Christmas.” Since then, Rudolph has come to life in TV specials, cartoons, movies, toys, games, coloring books, greeting cards and even a Ringling Bros. circus act. The little red-nosed reindeer dreamed up by Bob May and immortalized in song by Johnny Marks has come to symbolize Christmas as much as Santa Claus, evergreen trees and presents. As the last line of the song says, “He’ll go down in history.” 
What a wonderful story.  Thanks Joe!

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.

That’s the price you pay for letting the relatives say over.

Another one to be added to my “I want one” list

I guess I made more of an impression than I thought.  I found another rendition of me pulling Santa’s sleigh.  I didn’t do it that often over the last couple of hundred years … maybe … I don’t know, a dozen times all together.  And only once did I do it twice in a row and only once in the last half century since it’s become a lot easier to be “spotted”.  But yet, here’s another picture of me.  I do kinda like this one.  Happier times.

This was awfully special, so I want to share it…

jhjoseph

4 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2112

Some great ones. Thanks for giving us a large assortment of funny and and interesting commentary. There is no excuse for not find much of your publications funny. Thank you so much for again making my today.

impishdragon

4 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2112
In reply to: Some great ones. Thanks for giving us a large assortment of funny and and interesting commentary. There is no excuse for not find much of your publications funny. Thank you so much for again making my today.

You are quite welcome and thank you for the very kind words

jhjoseph

4 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2112
In reply to: You are quite welcome and thank you for the very kind words

I, and hopefully others, will be making a donation to you for 2023. You have given so much time and effort in putting your weekly publications out for us to laugh. I don’t think there is another website that is not only similar but puts out so m much content on each issue. I also need to take the time to proofread what I write before i post the send button. I just looked back at what I wrote to you prior and it wasn’t pretty. Thanks. Joe Holtzman

Joe,  thank you ever so much for your donation, it is deeply appreciated and for your kind words.  This has turned into a difficult time for me, emotionally, financially, and well, overall, thanks for helping out.  I know that God will make sure that everything will work out.

The Christmas Story as it might appear on the Fox News Network….

ILLEGAL ALIEN GIVES BIRTH IN BETHLEHEM– BABY EXPECTED TO BE
DEPORTED

BETHLEHEM: It was rumored that an unmarried illegal alien couple from Nazareth
stopped in a manger owned by a notorious local slumlord, and a baby was born.

“There was no running water, and the place was filled with straw,” commented local
public health authorities. “We even found a donkey inside.”

“The mother gave birth under extremely questionable circumstances,” offered Pontius
Pilate, Judean candidate for District Attorney. “She claims to have been a virgin.”

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Roman authorities are investigating the baby on
charges of sedition and treason as well as illegal entry. “There are a bunch of people
running around alleging that the baby is the son of God,” explained Pilate, “and that he
will have some radical ideas about religion in the future.”

The baby is also considered to be illegal under Judean law, as the parents did not have
appropriate papers. “We’ll probably deport the baby to Egypt,” said Roman authorities.

Three Kings from the Orient were caught on the outskirts of Bethlehem by the Roman
Border Patrol, carrying illegal contraband allegedly for gifts to the baby.

“We caught them red-handed with frankincense and myrrh,” explained an official with
the Border Patrol. “And they didn’t have guest visas.” The Kings were promptly arrested
and deported to Syria, and their gifts confiscated.

At virtually the same time as the baby was born, a bright star was sighted over
Bethlehem.

”This is an omen that things are about to radically change in the Empire due to Global
Warming,” commented Al Gore.

As opposed to? How do you know they aren’t just front legs?

Politically Correct Version of “Twas the Night Before Christmas”
Twas the night before a non-denominational or denominational celebratory day, when all through the
residential dwelling, either rented or owned, not a creature was stirring, not even an evolution-advanced, sentient, small furry species that must be respected.
The hosiery which may be worn by any person regardless of gender (or gender identity) was hung (in a
gentle manner using recyclable materials) by the chimney with care, in hopes that a follically gifted person of enhanced girth soon would be there.
The younger but equally valuable members of the family who may or may not be biologically related to the head of household were nestled (most respectfully and without the possibility of physical discipline) all snug in their beds,
while non-drug induced and age-appropriate visions of organic fruit danced in the most non-suggestive
manner in their heads.
And the female, male or transgendered head of household in his/her kerchief/cap/headwear of choice,
and I in my kerchief/cap/headwear of choice, had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the lawn/sidewalk/street/space not enclosed by walls, to respect those who cannot afford
lawns or who may be homeless, which is a tragic condition that should not be judged– there arose such a noise of undeterminable origin, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash, not produced by any incendiary device, threw open the shutters and threw up the sash.
* The moon on the portion of female anatomy that cannot be said on the radio or television due to FCC
restrictions of the new fallen snow, gave a luster of midday to objects below.
When what to my wondering eyes, or other means of sensing, should appear, or emerge, but a mode of
environmentally friendly transportation of compact stature that does not contribute to the world wide
concern of global warming, nor uses unreplenishable fossil fuels, and eight tiny hoofed animals that
should never be hunted for sport.
With a senior citizen driver of a vertically challenged disposition, so lively and quick, not meaning to imply that senior citizen drivers of a vertically challenged disposition are not normally lively and quick…I knew in a moment it must be the follically gifted person of enhanced girth previously mentioned above—but of no denominational significance.
More rapid than an avian species that is protected under federal law, his coursers they came, and he
whistled, because he was genetically predisposed to whistle, and shouted, but not in an aggressive
manner, and called them by name.
Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer, and Vixen, on Comet on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen! (The
folically gifted person of enhanced girth did not mean to call these hoofed animals that should never be
hunted for sport by any value-laden or gender specific name as all reindeer, regardless of gender, are
provided equal opportunity.)
To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall or other point on land that could be viewed by anyone either with or without a home…now dash away, dash away, dash away all! And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof, or any other point of a building within view of anyone either with or without a home, the prancing and pawing of each little hoof…
As I drew in my hand, or prosthesis, whichever applies, and was turning around…down the chimney the
follically gifted person of enhanced girth came with a bound. He was dressed in an outfit that was
comprised of a fur-like material made of hemp from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with non-tobacco ashes, and soot.
A bundle of toys or educational items he had flung on his back and he looked like a entrepreneurial
retailer as he opened his pack. His eyes how they twinkled, his genetically inherited facial features how
merry, his cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry. His droll little mouth drawn up like a bow, and
the facial hair on his face was as lacking in pigment as the snow or other type of precipitation, depending on the climate.
(((The next lines are omitted because of references to smoking and tobacco products without regard to
the concern over second-hand smoke which would set a bad example for children.)))
(((Again, the next lines must be omitted because of value-laden and bigoted references to people of
enhanced abdominal girth.))) … a wink of his eye, not meaning to imply anything sexual or inappropriate and a twist of his head, soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, nor signed to the hearing impaired any indication he was trying to communicate, but went straight to his hourly or salaried union-contracted position recently negotiated and agreed upon by all parties, and filled the hosiery which may be worn by any person regardless of gender and washed in a gentle manner using only recyclable materials, then turned with a jerk (which may or may not be grounds for a workman’s comp claim).
And laying his finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose. He sprang to his mode of environmentally friendly transportation of compact stature that does not contribute to the world wide concern of global warming, nor uses unreplenishable fossil fuels and to his team gave a whistle… And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, or sign to the hearing impaired as he drove, soberly, out of sight….
Happy non-denominational or denominational celebratory day to all…and to all a good night!

Even our tiniest of employees are excited about Christmas

Okay, so I was kinda stuck between putting that one in with the Christmas pictures or in with  the political pictures, but since I needed the Christmas ones more, that’s where it ended up.

But you know I love you guys just the same!  LOL!

That is one horrendous clock!

Watching the Colts play the Vikings.  First series and the Colts are doing extraordinarily well against a very good Vikings team.  The Colts are 4-8-1 and the Vikings are 10-3.  But the Colts are traditional favorites over the Vikings beating them like the last four times in a row.  Ouch!  And they had to settle for a field goal.  Too bad, they stuttered at the end of their drive, well, moving on…

Another Tombstone

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.

An old man was once on the subway, and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?” 

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, “I wear this collar because I am a Father.” 

The older gent thought a second and responded, “Sir, I am also a father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?” 

The priest thought for a minute and said, “Sir, I am the Father for many.” 

The older fellow quickly answered, “I too am the father of many. I have five sons, six daughters and too many grandchildren to count… But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?” 

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, “Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people.” 

Now the kindly old gentleman was stunned and sat silently for a long time. 

As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, “Well, sonny, perhaps, it’s your pants you should wear backwards.” 

Well, thanks to a blocked punt and a couple of turnovers, the Colts are now winning against the division leading Vikings 17-0.  Now, you guys may be laughing your butts off because by the time you read this you already know the final score, but at this point in time, I don’t, so let me have my excitement while I can.

I have a drawer just like that.  I’m pretty sure we all do.

Okay, so now it’s 20-0

Signs on a Synogogue Bulletin Board

Under same management for over 5763 years.

Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.

Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: “The future of the Jewish people is in your hands.”

At Half-Time it’s now 33-0, Colts. I’d say that it looks good for the Colts, but if anyone can snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory, it’s the Colts … so … we’ll see!

A wife shows her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him, “Doesn’t this belong to your secretary?”

“Where did you find that?” he stutters.

“I didn’t,” she answers. “The mailman found it on your night-stand.” 

Jane: I can’t understand why men are so afraid of commitment! 

Martha: Tell me about it! I lived with one guy for a year and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum. 

Jane: What did you say? 

Martha: I just told him, “Look, either you tell me your last name, or get your shit out of my house !” 

When does a person decide to become an accountant?

When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Colts 36, Vikings 28 with like 3 minutes left in the game.  This is the worst officiated game that I’ve ever seen in my life.  Every extra hard hit is unsportsmanlike penalty.  Plays are called dead in the middle of a fumble.  Facemask penalties that aren’t.  Absolutely horrible.  But the Colts are trying their best to give this game away.

That is truly crappy ad placement

This is a bit funny ad placement anyway.

If you think it’s a coincidence that Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyer became a federal judge and that very same judge, of thousands of judges, was the person to sign off on the Mar-a-Lago search warrant you haven’t been paying attention.

So 19-year-olds shouldn’t have to pay student debt because they can’t understand the student loans they sign.
But 4-year-olds can change gender whenever they feel like it.
Got it.

The lumber shortage.
The gas shortage.
And now the formula shortage.
Nothing is built.
Nothing is back.
Nothing is better.

You are being told to lower your AC usage on hot days to prevent overwhelming the existing electric grid while simultaneously being told to trade in your gas cars for electric vehicles.
Now think about that for just a second…does that make a lick of sense to any of you at all?

Canceling student debt is the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard.  Rewarding people who do not honor their financial commitments by taxing the people wo do is WRONG.  This is vote buying at its worst.

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”

“Sir”, replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?”

“You’re damned right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!”

And the final score Colts 36, Vikings 39.  Largest comeback in football history.  I coulda called it at halftime.
Sigh.
Maybe my Packers will do better on Monday night.

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. 

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, “This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.” 

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn’t stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, “We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.” 

The police said, “It’s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.” 

“Well, who was it?”

“The 1956 National Hide-and-Seek Champion.”

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. A surprising coincidence was that both were blind from birth. 

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. “Oh, my,” said the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been blind since birth, so, I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.” 

“It’s quite okay,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you.” “Oh, that would be wonderful,” replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you’re covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny.” 

“Oh, thank you! Thank you,” cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, “Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you’ve helped me.” 

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you’re scaly and very smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I’d say you must be either a politician, an attorney,or possibly someone in upper management.”

So, I didn’t have much else to say through this issue I guess.  Just trying to get through the days.  You know they say, day by day.  These days I’m getting through hour by hour.  But, it’s going to be that way through the holidays I think.  All I can do right now is wish you all the best of love and happiness.

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #2115

  1. Wouter Basson, Centurion, Pretoria, Gauteng, South Africa says:

    Stand strong.
    You are in our thoughts.

  2. Stephanie says:

    Praying for you daily dear friend.

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