One more issue before Christmas. Actually, there’s lots of issues surrounding Christmas, but I’m talking about Dragon Laffs episodes, not those kinds of issues. I’ve got a lot of those issues.
Are we confused yet? I know I am.
I’m actually beginning this on Sunday, yup…a day before the last episode even came out. I’m trying to get a bit ahead so that I’m sure to have issues for you guys through the holidays. Since these holiday issues are so much large than the regular ones.
So, let’s get started with the laughter and help bring laughter all the way up to the happy holidays.
Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job.
Tarzan: Me Tarzan
Tarzan: Wife Jane
Tarzan: Son boy
Interviewer: Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?
Tarzan: Tarzan, King of the Jungle
Interviewer: Jane’s Whole Name
Tarzan: Jane’s Hole named Pussy
A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is harmful.
“Not usually,” answered the doctor. “Not unless you do it too often.”
“How about three times a day?” the patient asked.
“That seems a little excessive. Why don’t you get a girlfriend?”
“Oh,… I already have a girlfriend,” the patient replied.
“I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?” asked the doctor.
The patient said, “I’ve got one just like that!”
So the doctor asked, “Then why do you masturbate three times a day?”
“Because… she won’t have sex during mealtimes!”
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz
“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea
“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry
That is an absolutely adorable picture!
Friendship training starts at a young age.
Boss told me that as a security guard it’s my job to watch the office.
I’m on Season 6, but I’m not really sure what it’s got to do with security.
Sometimes the black sheep of the family is the only one who has the balls to tell the truth.
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”
I didn’t break the rules.
The rules were already broken when I got here.
How many kidneys does this guy have?!?!
There’s nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul.
Even if it’s cold.
With a celery stalk.
And they vote…
Wondering if he was involved with the Clintons, that seems to be a popular cause of death.
Yeah, I’m gonna pass on that one, too.
A Friend Who becomes an enemy after a little misunderstanding has been an enemy all along.
They were just pretending.
So … the car is in the shop and they found more … pistons, rings, catalytic converter …stuff. I’ve already put so much money into this thing that it’s practically brand new, so, after much prayer and discussion I told them to go ahead and fix it. It will practically be a brand new engine, heck, practically a brand new car. But, man oh man. I can’t take any more! Truly I can’t. Merry flippin’ Christmas!
I need that Publishers Clearing House guy to come by my house on December 30th and tell me that I’ve won $5000 a week for life or for a rich uncle to leave me an oil well or someone to start me a Go Fund Me page or something. I ended up taking money out of my 401K at 20% interest, but geez. I’M DONE ALREADY!
I’m trying to stay positive for Izzy’s sake, but wow is it hard. I keep repeating to myself, “It’s only money, it’s only money, it’s only money…” until you don’t have any.
As if my Holiday Depression wasn’t bad enough.
On the flip side, we just finished our Christmas Eve service at church this evening … yes, I know, today is the 21st … work with me here … and oh what a FANTASTIC service it was!!! I was SO uplifted in the spirit. I was playing security tonight, so I was mostly out in the hallway by the front doors and didn’t get to sit with the rest of the congregation, and I was STILL FIRED UP! Oh, it was so beautiful!
So, putting all the above together, I know that the Lord is working in my life, even through the hard times. And I know that there is a plan through all of it and I’m trying to find the joy in the season DESPITE everything else that’s going on and perhaps that’s the lesson He’s trying to teach me. And maybe it is JUST money and maybe my Mary is in a much more wonderful and glorious place that I should be overly, joyously happy for her for, and maybe I should cheerfully live the rest of my life fulfilling God’s Plan of bringing Happiness and Solace and Peace and Grief Counseling and everything else that He’s teaching me through all this to other people and once I learn and accept that then things will start going better and easier for me.
Holy cigar smoke! Did I just figure out God’s Plan for me while sitting here writing to you guys?
Okay, definitely gonna need to go and pray about that. More on that later. More laughter now, I’m a bit gobsmacked right now.
Here’s a little note from Stephen that I thought I’d include. You’ll see why.
We were supposed to host my granddaughters birthday party today but it looks like that is not going to happen. My wife has had a cough the past few days and today she felt worse. To be on the safe side she took 3 home COVID tests and it shows she is positive. I feel fine but took the test and also have tested positive.
Looks like we will be hunkering down for a spell so I wish everyone a happy holiday season if I do not see or talk to you.
Meanwhile, here is a picture of my latest carvings. They are 55mm (2 inches) high or so. Enjoy.
We all hope and pray that everyone is feeling better, Stephen. And those are adorably cute little houses.
That takes “You’ll poke your eye out!” to a whole new level.
Jim lived all his life in the Florida Keys.
On his deathbed he knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present, a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Doug, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses”
“My daughter Kelly, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”
“My son, Kevin, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”
“Cathy, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Steve slips away, the nurse says, “Your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”
The wife replies, “The asshole had a paper route.”
Boy was this guy wrong!
I checked with my personal Star Trek Czar and he said that this is all pretty much true.
Great description of America: Andy has left town and Barney is in charge.
ONLY an IDIOT would cut off oil from an ALLY and buy it from an ENEMY who CALLS FOR YOUR DEATH at their morning prayers.
Boomers: I can’t believe I wore bell bottoms.
Gen-X: I can’t believe I wore my hair like that.
Millennials: I can’t believe I was goth/emo
Gen-Z: I can’t believe I cut my dick off
This one is from Joe and he writes:
I can’t prove this but it’s at least interesting.
The meaning of the song “The Twelve Days of Christmas”
That is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me.
What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won’t come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas?
From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly.
Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics.
It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of the church.
Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember:
1. ‘The partridge in a pear tree’ was Jesus Christ.
2. ‘Two turtle doves’ were the Old and New Testaments.
3. ‘Three French hens’ stood for faith, hope and love.
4. The ‘four calling birds’ were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John.
5. The ‘five golden rings’ recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.
6. The ‘six geese a-laying’ stood for the six days of creation.
7. ‘Seven swans a-swimming’ represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit–Prophecy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.
8. The ‘eight maids a-milking’ were the eight beatitudes.
9. ‘Nine ladies dancing’ were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit–Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.
10. The ‘ten lords a-leaping’ were the Ten Commandments.
11. The ‘eleven pipers piping’ stood for the eleven faithful disciples.
12. The ‘twelve drummers drumming’ symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles’ Creed.
So there is your history for today, I found it interesting and enlightening.
And this great story is from Friggin’ Pete!
The magic of Santa Claus
I remember my first Christmas adventure with Grandma. I was just a kid. I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit her. On the way, my big sister dropped the bomb:
“There is no Santa Claus, “she jeered. “Even dummies know that!”
My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been.
I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of her “world-famous” cinnamon buns. I knew they were world-famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true.
Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm.
Between bites, I told her everything. She was ready for me. “No Santa Claus?” she snorted …. “Ridiculous! Don’t believe it! That rumor has been going around for years, and it makes me mad, plain mad!! Now, put on your coat, and let’s go.”
“Go? Go where, Grandma?” I asked. I hadn’t even finished my second world-famous cinnamon bun. “Where” turned out to be Kerby’s General Store, the one store in town that had a little bit of just about everything. As we walked through its doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars. That was a bundle in those days. “Take this money,” she said, “and buy something for someone who needs it. I’ll wait for you in the car.” Then she turned and walked out of Kerby’s.
I was only eight years old. I’d often gone shopping with my mother, but never had I shopped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping. For a few moments I just stood there, confused, clutching that ten-dollar bill, wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for. I thought of everybody I knew: my family, my friends, my neighbors, the kids at school, the people who went to my church.
I was just about thought out, when I suddenly thought of Bobby Decker. He was a kid with bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock’s grade-two class. Bobby Decker didn’t have a coat. I knew that because he never went out to recess during the winter. His mother always wrote a note telling the teacher that he had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker didn’t have a cough; he didn’t have a good coat. I fingered the ten-dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy Bobby Decker a coat! I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it. It looked real warm, and he would like that.
“Is this a Christmas present for someone?” the lady behind the counter asked kindly, as I laid my ten dollars down. “Yes, ma’am,” I replied shyly. “It’s for Bobby.”
The nice lady smiled at me, as I told her about how Bobby really needed a good winter coat. I didn’t get any change, but she put the coat in a bag, smiled again, and wished me a Merry Christmas.
That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat (a little tag fell out of the coat, and Grandma tucked it in her Bible) in Christmas paper and ribbons and wrote, “To Bobby, From Santa Claus” on it. Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. Then she drove me over to Bobby Decker’s house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever officially, one of Santa’s helpers.
Grandma parked down the street from Bobby’s house, and she and I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Then Grandma gave me a nudge.
“All right, Santa Claus,” she whispered, “get going.” I took a deep breath, dashed for his front door, threw the present down on his step, pounded his door and flew back
to the safety of the bushes and Grandma.
Together we waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to open.
Finally it did, and there stood Bobby.
Fifty years haven’t dimmed the thrill of those moments spent shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker’s bushes. That night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said they were: ridiculous. Santa was alive and well, and we were on his team.
I still have the Bible, with the coat tag tucked inside: $19.95.
May you always believe in the magic of Santa Claus!
Thanks. Merry Christmas to you all.
And you have found the way to feel better.
Good luck with your vehicle.
Wishing you and Izzy a PEACEFUL and safe CHRISTMAS. Will keep you in my thoughts and Prayers.
So this is it?
I could only find belated Birthday cards, so guess I’ll just have to send you this message: “HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY!”
Just for the record, I did not write “The magic of Santa Claus”, in all my searches it is always listed as Anonymous or Author Unknown. I just didn’t want you to think I was taking credit for it. If it’s one of mine I usually sign it with Pete and the memes, unless it’s an older one, I mix my initials of JPH somewhere in it. I love the story and I just didn’t want anyone to think I was taking credit for it.
I understand and didn’t mean to imply that I thought you had written it. Just that you had sent it in. It was just a GREAT story.